ANTHONY: You surprise me, John. I didn’t think you had it in you to be so cold and calculating.
JOHNNY: Ah, c’mon, it runs in the family. You’re the one who convinced me to use Connie in the first place, right?
ANTHONY: Agreeing to a little bounce on the bed is one thing. But if Kate does what you’re suggesting, she could end up in a loony bin for rest of her life.
JOHNNY: As long as she’s out of my way.

HAHAHA… Oh, Anthony. That’s because he literally didn’t have it in him up until, like, THREE WEEKS AGO. (Hey, remember when Johnny was basically the only good man on this show? Good times.)

Anyway, Anthony’s finally dead, which is fine by me; sure, we’ve had some good times and all, but the wacky old man schtick got old a while ago. And, of course, emo feeelings Johnny is crying about all the terrible things he’s done and whining about Carly not loving him anymore while Crazy Supervillain Johnny’s busy having angry arguments with his grandfather’s ghost and framing Tracy for it instead of just — oh, I don’t know — dumping the body somewhere no one will ever find it? (Or, hey — framing Sonny for it?)

Meanwhile, the mentally ill woman he’s just conned into taking the fall for him has been in tip top form. Kudos to Kelly Sullivan — I don’t really believe that she’s Kate Howard, but I do believe that she is losing her ever-loving mind.

SONNY: Maybe she thinks I’m worth the risk.
KATE: [uncontrollable laughter] Yeah. Kate’s an idiot.

Oh, Konnie. Sometimes I really, really love you.

I was going to express my amazement at Sonny’s miraculous turn around this week, what with his actually comforting Kate, having a mature and self-aware conversation with Carly about mental illness and personal responsibility, and confessing he was wrong about Johnny.

(Seriously, the most infuriating part of this entire evil!Johnny turn of events is that the one time Sonny has actually admitted he was wrong to jump to conclusions about Johnny is also the one time when he was actually right about him. The mere thought of the smugness we’re going to be subjected to when the truth finally does come out makes me want to preemptively shoot myself in the head.)

But thankfully, before all the weird feelings of Sonny non-hate could confuse me too much, we came back to more solid ground, by which I mean DOUCHE CITY:

SONNY: We’re gonna take you out to a marsh, where it’s nice and quiet, where there’s nobody around for miles. I’m gonna use this little thing right here? And I’m going to put you out of your collective misery.
TODD: Well, I am honored that you would take the time out of your busy day to whack me personally.
SONNY: And then Milo’s gonna take what left of you to the harbor. And we’re going to throw you over the side.
TODD: So unpleasant. [Ed. note: WORD, Todd.]
SONNY: So you will never have to use that stupid little mouth of yours. You wanna know the best part? Michael and I are gonna send your daughter to prison for attempted murder and no know will ever know — not even the cops — what happened to Kate.

I love how effortlessly Todd punctures Sonny’s self-importance. If I wasn’t already quite fond of him, I could love him for that alone.

Elsewhere on the canvas… I actually don’t have much snark because I’m enjoying almost everything, even the Weekend at Bernie’s shenanigans at the Quartermaines’, because they provided an opportunity for five (five!) actors over the age of forty to share a scene together. Granted, one of them was playing a corpse at the time, but I think it still counts.

But honestly, between: Carly showing self-awareness about her own less than faithful relationship history; Monica giving Jason a much needed kick in the ass about loving a child that isn’t biologically yours; some really lovely, back-to-basics frienship Liason scenes; Téa and John doing that comfortable brother/sister friend chemistry thing they do so well; and a new mayor who seems kickass and who loves Anna as much as I do… it’s been a pretty good week for me.

Also? Sam, finally, finally got the hug from her mother that I’ve been wanting her to get pretty much from the day she got back from her honeymoon:

And Molly, who under the previous regimes frequently made me want to beat her to death with a copy of Wuthering Heights, has suddenly become less grating and — dare I say? — grown up. She’s certainly more of a real person than a cliche now, which is nice.

And her reaction to hearing the truth about everything that happened with Franco kind of killed me:

MOLLY: I wish we could travel back in time.
SAM: Oh, yeah? Where would you go?
MOLLY: I’d go straight back to your wedding reception. That way, I could stop you from leaving. You’d never go to Hawaii and none of this would ever have happened.

It probably also helps that she now seems to hate Jason as much as I do. Oh, and instead of butting her nose into other people’s romances, she’s got one of her own.

ADORBS!

I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I was glad to see Shawn and TJ again. I know! Crazy, right? (Also crazy? With the addition of the Mayor, we now have four African American characters on this show at one time. Getting lines and everything!)

Not to be left out, the last Davis girl showed up on Friday with a brand new face. Apparently four months at Yale can turn you from 17 to 30? If all else fails, she’s at least completely believable as the daughter of Nancy Lee Grahn and Maurice Bernard, so round of applause again for the casting department:

Since we saw NuKristina for all of five seconds on Friday, I’m reserving judgment until we see her chemistry with the rest of her family — particularly Michael — but so far, so good. She looks snotty, angry, and about to rip her father (hopefully) a new one, so… that’s Kristina, all right.

It’s sad to realize that there really are no guys she’s not related to in her age bracket right now. And hilarious to think that she and Johnny would now not seem so gross — but of course he’s only got eyes for cougars lately anyway. Maybe she and Starr can become BFFs? Frankly, both of them could use one.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m just happy to have all the Davis girls together again. And with a writer who actually liked families! (Psst, Carlivati — I demand lots of group hugs!)

MAXIE: You wanted to know the truth? Surprise! The truth sucks, Matt. You know, I went to Anthony Zacchara for help and he killed someone! Which makes me an accessory, or at the very least, it means that I am involved in the murder of an innocent woman.
MATT: No, I don’t buy that. I think that Anthony was going to pin this on the first mate all along.
MAXIE: Well, we’ll never know, will we? But the first mate is dead.

THANK YOU! Was that so hard? I’m mean, I’ve only been waiting for Maxie to show some basic awareness that she’s responsible for an innocent woman’s murder for what–half a year? I mean, damn.

I did appreciate the attempt to mitigate her responsibility by implying that Anthony would have set up the first mate anyway (because… why, exactly? I guess maybe just to keep the police from suspecting him?) even if that’s kind of a load of crap. But the issue’s at least been acknowledged, and Maxie’s no longer acting like what she did was not sort of monstrous and I’m easy enough to let it go at that.

Hurray for characters showing a shred of humanity!

Hey, speaking of: Sonny finally seems to understand that his girlfriend is ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag!

Granted, it took witnessing her having a fight with a mirror for this fact to really sink in. Even though everyone and their mother had been telling him it was true, and even though I don’t really understand how anyone who claimed to know or love Kate couldn’t have already been deeply suspicious due to her out of character behavior alone. But, WHATEVER.

The point is that his response to her visible distress was — shockingly — not to berate and belittle her, but to instinctively try to comfort her. I know! It’s almost as if he’s a human being with the capacity for empathy and compassion! How… surprising!

(I’m not saying we should start handing out cookies for meeting the minimum requirements of human decency, but with Sonny, you have to take what you can get, you know?)

If Carlivati can get me to like Sonny again, it will truly be a soap miracle. But then, look at what he’s already done to rehab Luke, a character I also thought nearly beyond redemption not too long ago:

Granted, I am super easy, as previously mentioned. So even the slightest hint that Luke — 1) noticed Tracy’s distress, and 2) was himself distressed by that fact — is enough to make me roll over and show my soft, soapy belly. I surrender, show! You’ve made me like Luke again, damn you!

In other news, I remain amused at the way Carly and Johnny both talk about their relationship like it was a forty year marriage rather than a three-week business transaction turned hook up turned quasi-dating… thing… that neither of them had even really defined yet:

JOHNNY: Carly, I hate that I hurt you. Please, just give me another chance and I will spend my life making it back up to you.

Real talk, Johnny: you dated for less than a month before sleeping with another woman. Maybe cut back on the proposals?

But even though I’m generally on Team Carly for this one, the idea that she would have the balls to say this to anyone, ever, is… impressive:

CARLY: You can’t, Johnny! You can’t go backwards and you don’t get a do over!

Hey, yeah! Do overs are only allowed when you’re sleeping with someone you already slept with! Duh, Johnny!

(Somewhere, I feel like Jax just found himself smiling and suffused with Schadenfreude for no reason.)

Finally: Patrick shaved off his Grizzly Adams scruff and rejoined the land of the living!

(I really don’t know why either Epiphany or Liz would want lost-in-grief, possibly drunk mountain man Patrick to operate on anyone, but this is the same show where he was expected to operate about five minutes after watching his wife get blown up, so… SOAPS!)

But I continue to love the way his relationship with Epiphany is suddenly being treated seriously. And it was nice to see him smiling again — even though you know it won’t last, what with his brother’s impending arrest on the stupidest murder charges ever and all.

For the record, I’m not happy that we’re losing Jason Cook, especially just as it seemed like he might actually get something to do. And I’m doubly not happy that we’ll probably be losing him over the one murder in this town that was actually justified. But hopefully they’ll have him flee the country or something in a way that means he can be brought back sometime? Ugh.

(Also, all earlier awareness aside, I really, really need someone — ANYONE — to point out that Matt wouldn’t be in danger at all right now if Maxie’s idiotic false confession hadn’t forced the investigation to reopen after it had already been closed and no one was thinking about it anymore.)

So, you might have noticed that we lost our effing minds over this episode. Because it was AMAZING. But now I’ve had time to digest,  and it’s time for our last (*WEEPS*) recap of the season:

We open on Elena in her bed. Her alarm goes off and she is awfully smiley for 6:45am. She puts her hair up and puts on a cheerleading uniform. Um, what? Downstairs, Jenna is making breakfast. Oh, this must be a dream!

Another woman enters and it turns out to be Elena’s (super young) mother. They all make a such a happy family picture that I’m about to go into a sugar coma. (Except, as we find out later, this is actually the morning of the day her parents die, so it’s all rather depressing.)

Suddenly, Elena wakes up in a hospital bed. It’s still the night of her collapse.

Outside her room, Meredith is telling Jeremy that his sister will be fine — she just has a concussion. She asks Jeremy if she has anyone to call, but it turns out the only people has now are Stefan and Damon. Talk about depressing.

The boys (okay, Damon — in usual form) give Jeremy crap for taking Elena to the hospital because the originals know that Alaric the Vampire Vampire Hunter’s life is tied to hers, and will be wanting to want to kill her ASAP. They decide to turn around from their mission, but realize that one of them needs to hide Klaus’ body so that Alaric doesn’t kill him for good and end their blood line.

Back at the hospital, Meredith is surprised by evil!Alaric. He is not cool with her use of vampire blood to heal patients (FORESHADOWING) and is getting the council to get her medical license suspended. He also plans to take Elena, since he’s still her legal guardian. Dun!

Fortunately for Elena, her friends have already come and taken her home. Caroline offers her vodka because it makes everything better, natch.

There’s a photo of Elena in the previously mentioned cheerleading uniform. We cut to her wearing it again — this time, she’s at school with Bonnie (also in uniform) and cute!Matt, who’s sporting a letterman jacket and holding Elena’s hand. She’s telling them both that she has to skip out on the bonfire that night because Jenna’s in town, but Matt wants her to skip out on family time instead. He gives her a kiss–which is weird–and leaves the girls to talk about him behind his back. Bonnie promptly calls Elena out on not having feelings for him  anymore. Seems these must be flashbacks, not just dreams.

Elena wakes again to find present-day cute!Matt sitting next to her. She admits she was dreaming about sophomores year and apologizes for not being honest with him then, when they were dating. She realizes she’s doing the same thing with the Salvatore brothers and needs to let one of them go. This is Stefan’s cue to come in and rain on my parade.

They brainstorm a bit about how to handle the latest crisis. Matt thinks it would be best to just leave town, but Elena doesn’t want to run for her life. So, Matt decides to bypass her completely and argue with Stefan about how to handle the situation. Um, okay. Apparently, every man on this show gets his turn to be an equal opportunity dick? Because now Matt is advocating trying to make Elena leave town against her will.

(Stefan, to his credit, advocates for free will, but he’s still awfully smug about giving Elena the choice, which wins him the d-bag prize in my book.)

But before I can strangle Stefan through the television for being the smuggest smug to ever SMUG, Elena breaks up the douche-off to let them know that everyone’s favorite original has shown up at the door. ELIJAH!!! Yay!

Meanwhile, it seems Jeremy has been dispatched to the only bar in town to get something to eat. Of course, he is immediately accosted by evil!Alaric. Uh-oh. This can’t be good. (Also, guys? Do they not have delivery in this town?) Anyway, evil!Alaric is trying to squeeze info from Jeremy: he wants to know where Klaus’ body is. And even though Jeremy doesn’t know, it seems like he might be convinced to find out. Oh noes!

Back at the Gilberts’, Elijah is trying to convince Team Elena to help the remaining originals get the magic stake from Alaric — after which, they will scatter to the ends of the Earth, leading him on a merry chase away from Mystic Falls.

One catch: he wants Klaus’ body. Not to wake him up; just because he’s family. And in fact, Elijah promises not to wake Klaus up during Elena’s or her children’s lifetimes. Matt seems to have his doubts about the deal, which are echoed by Damon’s vocal (and hysterical) histrionics via cell phone. Despite the voices of opposition, Elena agrees to the deal.

While all this is going on, Tyler and Caroline have been summoned by their mothers, who break the bad news that Alaric outed them all to the council — meaning the kids now need to leave town post haste or risk being killed. Crap!

Chez Gilbert: Jeremy and Matt, aka Team Mortal, are out on the porch talking about how maybe they should be making a deal with Alaric. (Nooooes! Don’t do it, boys!) Of course, Jeremy doesn’t listen to me. Soon, he’s on the phone with Alaric, telling him he knows where Klaus’ body is.

Except–psyche! Jeremy was playing him. It is all part of the group’s plan to lure Alaric into a trap! (Might as well get used to this. This is the least of the surprises in this episode.)

Speaking of: Tyler and Caroline are trying to process what their mothers told them. Caroline is hesitant at first, but eventually exuberantly says she’ll run with Tyler and spend the rest off her life with him. But after she helps out their friends with this Alaric ambush. They agree to meet back in two hours. Oh no! Don’t leave, guys!

Cut to Damon, who’s complaining about Elena’s deal with Elijah while he leads Bonnie through the storage facility where they’ve got Klaus stashed. Klaus, by the way, is actually conscious, which is super creepy. Damon wants her to hurry up and do the spell to hide his coffin, but Bonnie asks for some time alone with him. She’s conflicted because she now knows that Klaus’ life is tied to many of her friends, and to her mother, too. Oh, right. I forgot about that. Sux.

Back at the House of Emotional Turmoil, Elena is nervously asking about Jeremy’s role in their latest plan. She admits that she is concerned that anyone who leaves the house will never come back. Poor woobie and her fear of abandonment! Stefan reassures her and I am so bored by him I can barely keep my eyes open. He turns around for a kiss. I know by the music that this is supposed to be passionate, but meh.

Damon calls Stefan and for the umpteenth millionth time (there are a LOT of phone calls in this episode) to give him a hard time for letting Elena make her own choices. It is soooo awful to let a woman make her own decisions with her lady brain, you guys!  They confirm the plan is getting the stake and getting out of there as quick as possible. Damon hears a noise and thinks it’s Rebekah… but it’s actually Alaric! Dun!

Alone again, Matt brings Elena some tea and tries to initiate more girl-talk. Hee! So she tells him how Stefan saved her life when her parents died in the car accident — not just physically, but emotionally afterward. She cares for Stefan because he makes her happy to be alive. But she cares for Damon, too — he “consumes her” when she’s with him. And she can’t pick one of them because she will lose the other. Poor, poor little Elena.

Back to flashback land! Where Elena appears to be at the bonfire Matt wanted her to attend, so it’s later in the same day we’ve been flashing back to all along. She’s calling home for a ride. Jenna  answers the phone at the house (hi, Jenna!) before handing it off  Elena’s mom for some real talk about Matt. Mom encourages her to tell him to the truth to set him free, and promises she won’t lose him if she does. Oh, I see what you did there, show!

Present day: Elena wakes up to find herself in Matt’s truck. Turns out he put something other than honey in her tea. Not cool, Matt! Not cool at all.

Back at the creepy storage facility, Alaric is searching the containers for Klaus’ body when Rebekah shows up looking for Damon. She wanders, oblivious to the fact that Alaric is skulking around… and the whole thing is creeping me out. Suddenly, she’s grabbed from behind–but it’s just Damon. They take Klaus’ body and nearly get away, but Alaric catches up… and effing stakes him! WTF! Oh, shit.

Rebekah’s screaming, but Damon–still not sure if she’s the sire of their bloodline–tells her to run, and provides enough of a distraction for her to get away before Alaric takes off after her. Holy crap.

Defeated, Damon calls Stefan to share the bad news. Stefan points out that if Klaus did sire their bloodline, Damon won’t have enough time to get back to say goodbye to Elena before he dies. Except… Elena isn’t in Mystic Falls, of course; she and Matt are still on the road. And guess what? They’re pretty much halfway between the two Salvatores. So, ladies and gentlemen: Elena has to make a choice! Whoopie!

Aaaaand… Damon gets a call; she’s going home. Not just to Stefan, but to all their friends. Of course, Damon pushes it and wants to know who she would have chosen if it was just between the two of them.

Elena finally makes a choice! And that choice is: she will always love Stefan, but she cares enough about Damon to let him go. She adds wistfully that maybe if she had met him first things, would be different (IRONIC FORESHADOWING). Dejected, Damon gets off the phone. And who’s waiting for him? Alaric, back from chasing Rebekah!

Back in Mystic, Caroline is running to find Tyler at their meeting place. When he shows up,  she’s in hysterics as she tells him that Klaus was staked. Tyler immediately starts to reassure her, but she’s not worried about herself; she’s worried for him. Oh, Tyler. How did you become my favorite? You are SO DOOMED.

I really like the parallel here between Damon and Elena’s reactions to him possibly dying and Caroline and Tyler’s. Tyler is so loving and supportive. It is all about her. *swoon* Damon may be the prettiest, but Tyler is the hottest at this moment. [Well, "Tyler" since we know it's really Klaus. Damn it. But the point stands -- Tenillypo] This is where our interpretations diverge, I would prefer to believe that he is still Tyler at this point, however the possibility that this is Klaus is reluctantly noted.

ANYWAY, they kiss and I have already started crying, you guys. This is not good. Tyler screams in pain and buckles over. Caroline admits that she doesn’t feel anything. Tyler tries to get her to leave, but she refuses. He starts writhing as if he is turning into a werewolf and finally Caroline runs. Okay, seriously. They CANNOT kill Tyler.

On the road, Elena gets a call from Caroline to tell her that Tyler is dying. Matt has a mental breakdown about this. Oh God, you poor kids.

Rebekah finds Elijah and brokenly tells him that Klaus is dead. They are both perplexed because besides Tyler, none of the other vampires has been affected, and it seems the originals were all sure that Klaus was the sire of the Salvatore blood line.

So what actually happened? Bonnie enters the cave and finds Tyler! Except… it’s not? Nope. Turns out it’s Klaus. She somehow put him in Tyler’s body. Whhhha? What happened to Tyler?!??

Rebekah calls Stefan to tell him that she’s tired of running, the deal is off, and she’s getting rid Alaric, once and for all. And the only way to do that is to get rid of Elena. The shot widens to show us that Rebekah is standing in the middle of the road, just in time for Matt and Elena to come speeding toward her. They swerve to avoid Rebekah and drive off  the side of that goddamned bridge. Sweet Jesus!

We see Elena in the water, but it’s her father with her, not Matt. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?

Back at the storage lockers of pain, Alaric is beating the crap out of Damon. He says that their friendship was what made Alaric weak. He has to hurt Damon because he loves him so much! (Wait, is that just me?) [NO, IT'S NOT JUST YOU - Tenillypo]

Another flashback — this time from Damon’s perspective! He’s laying on the ground in the middle of the road, a move he has used to kill people in the past, so I guess it’s good that he gets interrupted here. See, Elena is wandering out of the woods, talking on the phone with Bonnie while she waits for her parents to pick her up from the bonfire. Damon calls her Katherine, looking dumbstruck (which makes sense).

Elena is a little skeeved out to be alone with this guy, but not nearly as skeeved as she should be. They have a cute conversation about the future, in which Damon flirts a little and tells her that what she really wants is consuming passion. Of course she does. He then compels her to forget the whole meeting and takes off. YOU ARE SO SNEAKY, SHOW. Elena — looking a little dazed — heads off to get in her parents’ car and take a fateful ride over the Wickery Bridge.

Back in the present, Alaric continues to beat the life out of Damon. But just as he’s about to stake him, Damon appears to get a burst of energy/determination. (Maybe from the memory?)

In the present: Elena wakes up underwater and realizes Matt is unconscious. The scene is mixed with flashbacks of when she went over the bridge with her parents, and it’s all very dreamy and a bit confusing. In the past, Elena’s mother appears unconscious or dead while her father frantically tries to break a window. Past!Elena seems resigned to her fate, taking his hand and mouthing “I love you” before passing out. Present!Elena is frantically trying to break a window.

Past!Stefan shows up and is about to save Elena’s dad, but he waves him to the backseat to get Elena first. Present!Stefan shows up and is about to save Elena when she motions for him to take Matt instead. Amusingly, they have a big, underwater argument about it, before Stefan finally complies. Okay, seriously? He probably could have saved them both in the time it took to fight about this in underwater speak. Elena, instead of trying to swim out herself, just kind of floats, closing her eyes.

Back at the storage facility, Alaric stops mid-punch and starts choking. Damon, realizing what this must mean, freaks out as Alaric turns gray and collapses. Looks like evil!Alaric is dying! WTF! Wait, does this mean Elena is dying? I’M SO CONFUSED.

Back at their house, Jeremy is on the phone trying to reach Matt, who should have been back already. He turns the corner to find Alaric standing there — except it is clearly good Alaric. Oh noes. It is Alaric’s ghost.

(AGAIN, SHOW? AGAIN!!! I AM CRYING ALL THE TEARS. AGAIN! HOW CAN YOU TAKE ALARIC AWAY FOR GOOD? HOW CAN YOU KILL ELENA??? I AM HAVING A BRAIN ANEURYSM RIGHT NOW.)

Ahem. Alaric tells Jeremy he will never be alone. I hope T is right and this means he will be back next season, because the tears? The tears will come back!

The scene cuts to Elena lying on a medical table with Stefan standing over her, looking devastated. Seems Damon’s prediction earlier in the night — that the difference between him and Stefan was that he wouldn’t respect Elena’s wishes and she might hate him for it, but at least she’d be alive — was entirely accurate.

Speaking of: Damon comes storming into the hospital, demanding to see Elena. But Meredith stops him, telling him urgently that when Jeremy brought Elena in earlier that night, Elena was worse than Meredith let on to Jeremy. In fact, she  had a cerebral hemorrhage and Meredith healed her with vampire blood. OH SHIT, YOU GUYS.  HOLY FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK.

On the table: Elena’s eyes snap open. DUN!

Can Alaric really be gone for good? What the hell happened to Tyler? How can Elena really be a vampire?

HOW THE HELL ARE WE EXPECTED TO WAIT ALL SUMMER TO FIND OUT ?!?

CARLY: I walked in on Johnny and Kate in bed together.
TODD: Oh. You live in a small town, too.
CARLY: Did I mention that Kate has a split personality?
TODD: No!

Suffice to say it was pretty much perfection.

Anyway, Todd and Carly had a lovely catch up chat about the recent lunacy in their respective small town lives, and I continue to enjoy the idea of them as platonic co-schemers. So that was nice.

Also nice? (And by “nice” I mean “so spine-tinglingly satisfying that I almost needed a cigarette after watching it”?) Everything about this scene:

CARLY: It’s not rocket science, Johnny. You take off your clothes, you mess up your hair, you jump under the covers. Sonny walks in, you guys act surprised. No muss, no fuss, no penetration. Did that never even occur to you?

CARLY: Right.
JOHNNY: Connie couldn’t risk Sonny figuring it out. She thought the only way it would work was if we actually did it–
CARLY: Connie is not real! And even if Kate has this D.I.D. thing, Connie’s not real. So man up and stop blaming someone who doesn’t exist!
JOHNNY: Okay, great. If she doesn’t exist, then I couldn’t have slept with her, right? Problem solved.
CARLY: You slept with someone, Johnny. You slept with someone! You slept with Kate. Did you know she had a slip personality? Did you? That Connie was doing things that supposedly Kate doesn’t know anything about?
JOHNNY: Yeah, I guess.

CARLY: You had sex with a woman who was completely checked out. You know what that makes you? A rapist.
JOHNNY: A rapist?
CARLY: Unless she was conscious, sane and sober. Hey, two out of three ain’t bad.
JOHNNY: Kate said the same thing to me
CARLY: Well, if Kate and I agree on the same thing, then it must be true.
JOHNNY: It must be right.

::slow clap::

It’s not often that I want to give Carly a standing ovation, but even though nine out of ten of her rants are 1) crazy, 2) awful, and 2) SUPER CRAZY… when she gets it right? She REALLY gets it right.

(My favorite part might be the utterly dumbfounded expression on his face when she asks the most obvious question: why didn’t they just fake it? Like the possibility had literally never even occurred to him.)

(Oh, Johnny. You really are an effing moron.)

Elsewhere, Todd and Téa had a knockdown drag-out that was both incredibly nasty and completely in character, and it hurts my heart to see them so at odds. (Although the fact that Todd actually admitted to Carly that he can’t actually remember shooting Victor makes me hopeful that maybe the truth will come out before Téa’s stint in Port Charles is over?)

She also managed to give Johnny his second smack down in two days (awesome) and make Alexis’s acquaintance with a wicked burn (crushing my dreams of them braiding each other’s hair and swapping horrible client stories over cocktails). But mostly? She was really, really pretty:

LOVE YOU, TÉA!

Meanwhile, the captain of TeamPretty continued her streak of unexpectedly touching and personal conversations with unlikely scene partners as she comforted Kate with stories of her own relationship disasters, which are both numerous and terrible:

DELIGHTFULLY RUEFUL!

I particularly enjoyed Carlivati’s attempt to explain the Nikolas affair from Elizabeth’s perspective. (Something, you may remember, that neither of the previous regimes ever really bothered to do, unless you count that ‘sexual awakening’ bullshit.) (Which I don’t because: UGH and also WHAT). But self-loathing! Now it all makes sense!

But mostly, Elizabeth’s compassion for Kate was very sweet. Especially since the latter’s visible misery has made her kind of impossible not to feel some sympathy for, despite all the nonsensical retcons and GLORIOUS MUGGING this story has involved thus far. And despite the fact that she’s gnashing her teeth over the loss of this prize:

ALEXIS: Look, lawyers tend to use the insanity defence as a catch all, but it exists for a reason, because there are valid cases of mental illness.
SONNY: I’m not sure Kate is one of them.
ALEXIS: I would certainly explain why she slept with Johnny Zacchara, who she apparently despises.
SONNY: That’s a bunch of bull! She’s just looking for an excuse to justify her behavior!
ALEXIS: Well, if she does have D.I.D., then she’s not responsib–
SONNY: I saw her in bed–I SAW HER IN BED… with Johnny. How do I forgive that?

Um, maybe the same way everyone has forgiven you for EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER DONE, you petty, childish ass? (HATE!)

Yeah, that’s right. It’s time for: DRUNK VAMPIRE DIARIES LIVE CHAT!

(THIS PICTURE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FINALE.
I JUST THINK THEY’RE PRETTY.)

First, let’s set the scene:

4:59 PM
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: We should have thought about live blogging the finale or something interesting like that.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Although my thoughts aren’t probably too great live.
TENILLYPO: Yeah, mine would all be SQUEE!
TENILLYPO: and FLAIL!
TENILLYPO: and SHUT UP, STEFAN
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Seriously.

Naturally, we decided to do it anyway.

8:20 PM
TENILLYPO: Okay, starting! I’m finishing a bottle of wine tonight, btw. Come hell or high water.
TENILLYPO: God, is Elena always cheerful in the morning? If she wasn’t delightful, I’d hate her, just on principle.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Heh
TENILLYPO: JENNA! ELENA’S MOM!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Poor Elena. Oh no, they have no one except the vamps.
TENILLYPO: Poor orphans.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Ahahaha… I find it hilarious that out of all of them Jeremy gets the dumbest brother on earth prize.
TENILLYPO: Sad, but true… Love you anyway, Little J!

…

TENILLYPO: Oh, shit. Alaric. Actually, real talk: he could kill Meredith and I wouldn’t really care.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah, I didn’t think about the fact that he is still Elena’s legal guardian. I don’t see how using vampire blood is against the council’s policies?
TENILLYPO: evil!Alaric is such a vampire bigot.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: ’tis true.
TENILLYPO: Yay, team high school to the rescue! Damn, I want Caroline to be my nursemaid. VODKA CURES ALL.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: That is also truth. Did anyone tell Jeremy?
TENILLYPO: Hah. I’m sure he’ll figure it out eventually.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Flashbacks@!
TENILLYPO: YAY! Bonnie was a cheerleader too? Huh.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: That doesn’t really surprise me. They were all popular girlz.
TENILLYPO: Ack, cute!Matt kisses! Weeeeeiiirrd.

…

INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Meh. You don’t have to do anything, Elena! I have no sympathy for those boys.
TENILLYPO: CHOOSE YOURSELF, ELENA!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh crap. This is why Jeremy wasn’t told. So that he could be free to be approached by evil!Alaric.
TENILLYPO: DUN DUN DUUUUUUN
TENILLYPO: ELIJAH!!!!!!!!!!!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: yeeesssss!@@\\ heeeeeeee
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Is this the flail part?
TENILLYPO: OH MY SWEET HONEY BUNNY!
TENILLYPO: YES, I JUST MADE AN EMBARRASSING NOISE AND THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN TYRANNOSAURUS ARMS
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: When does Elijah get to have some naked fun times?
TENILLYPO: WHEN HE COMES TO MY HOUSE. OR BONNIE’S.

…

INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Okay so Jeremy doesn’t give a shit about Caroline or Tyler anymore?
TENILLYPO: Yeah… but I can also see how killing ALL vampires might be worth two lives.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Especially to Jeremy. But it isn’t worth it to ME.
TENILLYPO: Priorities!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Elijah always feels shame.
TENILLYPO: Oh, Elijah. You’re so snotty.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Hahahahaha.
TENILLYPO: I LOVE YOU
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I freaking love Damon on the cell phone. Awesome.
TENILLYPO: Hee!
TENILLYPO: OH HI LIZ!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh craaaaap. I didn’t think of that consequence. They have to run? Nooeeeessss!
TENILLYPO: How many council members are there? It’s kind of funny how the rest of them never do anything but now they’re a threat.

…

INCANDESCENTFLOWER: In your last recap you said exactly what I was thinking. I love how the alliances shift so often on this show. And so realistically.
TENILLYPO: It keeps things fresh!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I don’t think it is forced.
TENILLYPO: Oh, cute!Matt, no… What are they doing? Cute!Matt cares about Caroline and Tyler.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Awww.
TENILLYPO: YAY!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: It was a fake out!
TENILLYPO: God, this show always gets me. I’m such a sucker.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: But also the characters are layered so you can see them being pulled in different directions and believe that they could make difference choices.
TENILLYPO: Yes, agreed. Ooh, Snow White and the Huntsman! I really want to see that.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I think I would too. We should go.
TENILLYPO: We should! Done and done.
TENILLYPO: Oh, god. Caroline and Tyler are so happy. They’re doomed.

…

INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I hope they get on the Bonnie/Damon thing. I think the love triangle is getting stale.
TENILLYPO: Yes. Well, you know I’ve been on the Bonnie/Damon train since day one.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: We need more love layers! Heh.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Wait, so they are conscious when they are in that weird vamp state? Creepy.
TENILLYPO: I love that Damon appreciates Bonnie’s darker impulses.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: They are like minded that way!
TENILLYPO: They’re a perfect match!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Well, I definitely could see them using that to push them together.
TENILLYPO: But I think what I like about them is also that she’s an equal, powerwise.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah, I think that is nice – ie, Damon and Bonnie. I think it is worth exploring. And would be good drama with Elena.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh Damon, you think you always know better. But at least you are consistent in your assholishness.
TENILLYPO: True. He is nothing if not consistent.
TENILLYPO: Oh, dear. Alaric! Run, Damon!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: God, I love Ian Somerhalder. He seems like such a nice guy. But is it possible for someone so pretty to actually be compassionate?
TENILLYPO: A philosophical question for the ages.

…

TENILLYPO: Oh, cute!Matt. You could make me tea any day.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Hee.
TENILLYPO: In a non-sexy way! Just a nice cute!Matt way!
TENILLYPO: Okay, this is such an awkward convo to be having with your ex. The problem is Damon is a mad hottie, Matt! Duh!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah, but does Stefan sound good in this scenario? The guy she “should” love?
TENILLYPO: Not really.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Meh.
TENILLYPO: He’s boring and safe.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Exactly.
TENILLYPO: Unless he turns his emotions off and goes on a killing spree!
TENILLYPO: Flashback!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: eeee!
TENILLYPO: Elena’s mom looks really young. God, CW, cast a parent over 40!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Ha
TENILLYPO: Oh, dear. Cute!Matt is going rogue.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yikes! Apparently cute!Matt has a pushy Damon streak.
TENILLYPO: Yeah, Paternalism /= attractive, Cute!Matt.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I hate this paternal ‘we all know better than you’ crap.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Ha! we share a brain.
TENILLYPO: Hah. Oh, Rebekah. Have you never watched a horror movie before?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Word.
TENILLYPO: Well, she’s been asleep for 80 years, so actually, she probably hasn’t.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: True.

…

INCANDESCENTFLOWER: whoa
TENILLYPO: WHOAH
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Did they actually do that?
TENILLYPO: I was not expecting that!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Me either! I thought they would never kill one of them.
TENILLYPO: TYLER!!!!
TENILLYPO: OH NO
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: OH SHIT
TENILLYPO: I told you they were doomed, didn’t I? DAMN YOU, VAMPIRE DIARIES!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: There has to be some catch. It can’t be true.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Bah.
TENILLYPO: I love how freaked out Stefan looks. He had a facial expression!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Okay seriously, show. We know that you all aren’t going anywhere. Cut the melodrama!
TENILLYPO: Did Damon just suggest Stefan go bang Elena for the two of them? Kinky!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: No. You have a dirty mind.
TENILLYPO: I have an awesome mind, you mean.

…

TENILLYPO: Oooh, she has to choose!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh, good lord.
TENILLYPO: I see what you did there, show!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: This is kind of silly.
TENILLYPO: Kind of?
TENILLYPO: Oh, Damon. Why are you so pretty?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: So, so pretty.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh don’t ask stupid questions. Just tell her you love her. Why even ask her to pick?
TENILLYPO: Yeah.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Just show her you love her, you idiot.
TENILLYPO: Poor Matt. This is such an awkward conversation to listen to.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Seriously.

…

TENILLYPO: Oh, Caroline…
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh my heart, Caroline.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh god…
TENILLYPO: Oh, he’s comforting her!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: This is making me cry.
TENILLYPO: Sweet Tyler!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: This fucking show.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: See, that is love. You don’t freaking ask her to make stupid choices at the important moments.
TENILLYPO: Remember when he was a skeezy date rapist? Good times.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah well, it is like Chuck. I try to forget that time existed.
TENILLYPO: Did it just kill the vampire part of him? I wonder if that’s the catch. Since he was a wolf before?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: But why wouldn’t it have done the same to Klaus? Oh, because he was a vamp first?
TENILLYPO: Maybe?
TENILLYPO: God, the Secret Circle is so bad.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I am so behind on that. Sounds like I need not catch up?
TENILLYPO: No, don’t do it. I’m only still watching because I hate myself.

…

INCANDESCENTFLOWER: oh Matt!!!
TENILLYPO: Cute!Matt needs a hug!
TENILLYPO: Oh, Elijah! You also need ALL THE HUGS.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: weep
TENILLYPO: Huh. They all thought it was Klaus.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Wait, I’m confused. So everyone thinks Klaus was the vamp for their blood line?
TENILLYPO: WHAT
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: er, what?
TENILLYPO: WHAT THE FUCK. BONNIE?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: WHERE’S TYLER?
TENILLYPO: I DON’T KNOW
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: AHHHHH
TENILLYPO: WHAT IS HAPPENING
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: OH SWEET JESUS
TENILLYPO: I’m SO CONFUSED and UPSET
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: NOT AGAIN! THAT DAMNED BRIDGE
TENILLYPO: Oh, Alaric, you and Damon ARE friends! In my perfect world, this would be the yellow crayon moment and real Alaric would come back through the POWER OF DAMON’S LOVE.

…

INCANDESCENTFLOWER: AHHHHHH
TENILLYPO: WHAT. I’m so confused still. This flashback! I feel like I need to rewatch the first season.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Ahahahahaha. You are so funny, show.
TENILLYPO: They did meet first! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Is this a “What if she met him first” thing?
TENILLYPO: Maybe?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh this is real?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I HAVE NO IDEA
TENILLYPO: I can’t tell anymore.
TENILLYPO: UP IS DOWN
TENILLYPO:  LEFT IS RIGHT
TENILLYPO: No, it’s real! WHAT.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh, okay. So yeah, he did meet her first.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: iiiiinnnnteresting
TENILLYPO: But then why was he such a bag of dicks when he came to town in season one?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Well, he wasn’t necessarily not a bag of dicks here. He did compel her with no thought.

…

TENILLYPO: NO, NOT MY CUTE MATT
TENILLYPO: Is this Sigur Ros, btw?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: MAAAAATTTT
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Hmm, re: sigur ros, maybe? [Ed. note: Yup! It was!]
TENILLYPO: Guys, the time you’re spending underwater arguing could be spent rescuing you both.
TENILLYPO: Why can’t Elena swim herself?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I don’t know what is happening, honestly.
TENILLYPO: Oooh! Real!Alaric’s ghost!
TENILLYPO: OH NO
TENILLYPO: He’s really gone!
TENILLYPO: Now I’m crying.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: whhhaaaaaaa?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: WHAT IN THE HELL IS HAPPENING????
INCANDESCENTFLOWER:  JEREMY I’M RIGHT THERE WITH YA.
TENILLYPO: Oh, whatever. Elena’s not dead for real.
TENILLYPO: OMG
TENILLYPO: THEY’RE VAMPING ELENA. Effing finally.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: She’s now a vampire????
Holy shit!
TENILLYPO: I KNOW

…

INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I can’t believe they did that.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: THIS SHOW
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: ALARIC
TENILLYPO: ALARIC
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: EPIC FLAILING
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I AM SOOOO SAD
INCANDESCENTFLOWER:  ALL OVER AGAIN
TENILLYPO: Actually, it sounds like he might stick around as a ghost?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: What?
TENILLYPO: He told Jeremy he would never be alone?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: The ghost versions are the least appealing character forms.
TENILLYPO: Maybe Bonnie can do a spell so other people can see him. I don’t know.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Also, after they killed Klaus my first thought was why the hell they did all that Caroline crap and now…
TENILLYPO: What the hell is going on with Bonnie? Why did she save Klaus? WHERE IS TYLER?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I KNOW
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I just hope that they didn’t body switch so Tyler’s dead. That would suuuuck.
TENILLYPO: I hope not. I can’t believe Bonnie would kill Tyler.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: And so Klaus is going to creepily pretend to be Tyler. Icky.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: MY HEART HURTS.
TENILLYPO: MINE TOO.

…

INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I think they are going to eventually have to find a way to turn her back to human. They do so in the books and I think that will happen.
TENILLYPO: Really? That seems like such a cop out.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Although actually, doesn’t Damon become human again or something in the books? Those are so cracktastic it is hard to say.
TENILLYPO: Who the hell knows, the summaries of those books are ridiculous.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I did really enjoy reading the summaries that one night. Although I have to say the show is just as crazy. Just more believable. Maybe that is the wrong term. The craziness is earned?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: There is a method to their madness. The show doesn’t go over the edge.
TENILLYPO: Sorry, no. The show’s never had a MYSTICAL ELEVATOR.

And… SCENE. Expect more fully formed confusion and flailing later.

Admittedly, her heyday was a bit before my time, and before this, all I’d seen of her was YouTube clips and her occasional visits the last few years. I knew she was being misused under Guza, obviously. But watching her now with material that’s actually decent? That man should be in prison for criminal misuse of a national treasure.

Finola Hughes, is clearly capable of so much more than hilarious Eli Love shenanigans, and I’m loving every second her her screen time with with Luke, John, Patrick, Tracy, Mac… and perhaps especially with Elizabeth. Theirs is not the likeliest of friendships, but the scenes where Anna was overcome by the sight of Luke and Lulu (and not just because Luke giving a crap about his daughter is still a novelty) were truly lovely:

I love that Elizabeth instantly understood what Anna was feeling, just by looking at her. I love the honestly of them both admitting how seeing other people with their happy, living children was painful. And I love them commiserating over being the ones left behind to shoulder the burden of every day life while their respective co-parents are off traveling the world and ignoring reality.

Women, talking to each other about the feelings and lives! What does Ron Carlivati think this is, a soap opera or something? Next you’ll be telling me Alexis and Tracy got to share some scenes that were funny without making either of them the butt of the joke…

OH WAIT. Hey, you know how Guza seemed to be under the impression the sun would implode if two women over forty were alone in a scene together for more than five seconds? Yeah.

Have I mentioned how glad I am he’s gone?

Jason, Jason, Jason… you just can’t catch a break, can you? I mean first your wife gets raped, which was bad enough for you. But now she’s carrying her rapist’s baby! And nagging you all the time to help her figure out how you’re going to deal with this as a couple instead of focusing on the MUCH more important issue of logging all her daily conversations with other people. (Priorities, Sam!)

Then she goes and gets kidnapped and nearly killed by a maniac–and insult to injury, she also has the gall to be rescued by someone else? Oh, Jason. How awful that must be for you.

Doesn’t she realize how hard it is for you when anyone else gets to save the day? But no, she’s all “let me take to you about my trauma” and “the fact that I’m alive is more important that the identity of the person who saved my life.” As if!

(And to top it all off, instead of understanding that your need to threaten the man who saved her life is waaaay more important than making sure she’s all right, she up and left the hospital without waiting for you? Talk about an unsupportive spouse!)

Ahahahaha… okay, sarcasm aside: Jason is clearly awful. But I do like the new regime’s seeming commitment to remembering Jake, and to reinstating the Elizabeth/Jason friendship:

I have no idea if this is actually leading to anything serious. I’m certainly not about to hold my breath waiting for Sam and Jason to break up any time soon. And I believe Liz when she told Sam she had no desire to get in between their marriage. (The way he’s acting right now, can you blame her?)

But even if it’s just heading to more scenes of them talking and being there for each other in a platonic way, as two people who have known each other very well for a very long time… I’m on board.

(Seriously, though — Jason: needs a punch in the balls like nobody’s business, Y/Y?)

Lest you think I’m being too hard on poor Jason up above: never fear! Sonny is around to make him look like a freaking saint in comparison:

SONNY: Yeah, I’m bipolar, but it doesn’t give you, you know, a free pass to cheat on the person that you love.

Yeah! Being bipolar only gives you a free pass to abuse the people that you love with violent tantrums and emotional manipulation!

SONNY: I never made excuses and blamed someone else on ruining their lives!
ME: *literally speechless*

So, yeah. That happened.

But great news, everyone! Port Charles must have enacted a new law, because suddenly it is illegal to hold someone at gunpoint — even if you don’t kill them! (Starr was surprised too. I mean, who knew?)

The police must be ecstatic — imagine how much easier it will be to put Sonny away now!

Gee, if only this law was in effect last week, when he was shooting at Johnny and Kate… or the week before that, when Tracy was on the stand in open court, testifying that Sonny had threatened to shoot Anthony in her living room… or last month, when his cop son found him pointing a gun at Johnny in his living room… or last year, when multiple witnesses saw him actually shooting off a gun in Robin and Patrick’s living room… or–well. You get the idea.

But no more! Because the new law’s most enthusiastic proponent is on the case, making sure the streets are safe from gun-wielding lunatics. And I’m sure Michael will feel equally as enthusiastic about it the next time Sonny’s caught waving his dick gun around in public! (Stop laughing.)

But guess what? NONE OF THAT MATTERS. Because Starr’s arrest brought us this:

TODD! TÉA! NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN, MY LOVELIES!

So, Todd is a free man now — for both the Victor thing and the Tomás thing. By reason of insanity, which is fitting, since, you know, the only reason he thinks he’s guilty is a hallucination of his dead mother told him so. (SOAPS!) But no one knows Victor isn’t really dead and everyone still hates his guts.

Meanwhile, Téa is about a gazillion months pregnant. And beautiful. And perfect. And I love her. MARRY ME, TÉA! Okay, okay, enough fangirling. But I want you to know that my reaction to her entrance was pretty much this:

ANYWAY. Todd was his usual funny, self-deprecating, charming self. And — also as usual — Starr was fifteen times more likeable in his presence. I loved her initial anger and flinches away from his tentative touches. But then by the end when she was ready to admit how glad she was to see him? Oh, how my heart melted. OH, MANNINGS.

Hopefully tomorrow we’ll get an explanation for Blair’s absence. But presumably she’s the one who sent her best girlfriend down to look after her baby girl. BLESS YOU, BLAIR.

We open the penultimate episode of this season on an artsy montage of the various historical pictures and replicas in Alaric’s classroom. I thought the first time I watched that these shots would have some deeper meaning later on, but… they kind of don’t? I guess the point is: that version of Alaric doesn’t live here anymore. (SOB!)

But evil vampire Alaric sure does! He’s hanging out in his classroom, twirling his magic stake and generally looking sinister. Apparently, it’s the very next day after the last episode’s shenanigans. Caroline is at school too — chatting on the phone with Tyler, who’s still pretending to be under the thrall of Klaus’ sire bond and is therefore reporting to Chez Original as ordered to help him pack.

Finally a reason to make hybrid slaves I can understand! Packing is the worst.

Meanwhile, Caroline is on her way to help with the dance clean up, along with none other than Rebekah, and — OH, COME ON NOW. I think the writers are just trolling me at this point. (Of course Rebekah has nothing better to do than get up at the crack of dawn to collect trash at a high school gym. OF COURSE.) Anyway, she and Caroline actually have a nice little moment where each expresses condolences over the loss of Esther and Alaric, respectively.

Then Rebekah heads out to the hall and runs smack dab into newly invincible Alaric! He nearly stakes her right then and there, but with Caroline’s last minute intervention they manage to overpower and stake him instead. It doesn’t work–because hello, invincible–and they’re forced to flee while he’s momentarily distracted.

Alas, Caroline stupidly stops to unlock her car rather than just vamp speeding away as far as she super legs could take her. Bad ass evil!Alaric quickly catches up, despite his lack of a daylight ring. He snaps her neck and drags her back inside, straight up not giving a crap that his face is burning off in the sun. Whoah. Rebekah watches in shock.

Over at the Gilbert house, Stefan shows up to find Elena and Jeremy already in the middle of re-painting Alaric’s former room. See, this is one of many key differences between Elena and me: when I’m sad, I grab a tub of ice cream and sit on the couch in my pajamas, watching marathons of silly tv shows like this. But Elena? Embarks on massive, impulse interior decorating projects in the middle of the night. Girl, I am shaking my head at you right now.

Jeremy’s adorably bitchy to Stefan, earning him my love for this episode. Elena tries to play it off like he doesn’t mean it, but Stefan’s not even a little bit fooled. Their awkward conversation is interrupted by the doorbell, which Stefan answers to find Damon and Bonnie, still in her 20s finery and neck is still bleeding from Alaric’s bite. DUN!

She and Damon give Stefan the lowdown on the latest disaster. Damon’s being an asshole about Bonnie’s role in Alaric’s resurrection, even though — as she points out — she had no control over her actions. She finally snaps and asks why he bothered healing her at all if he’s so pissed.

Um, to spawn a million, super hot fanfic stories about that scene, which the writers cheated us out of seeing? (Just kidding! I know Vampire Diaries fandom would never be that nice to me.) The good news is that Bonnie thinks that there must be a way to undo Esther’s spell. The bad news is she doesn’t know what it is.

Across town, Rebekah’s run home to give a similar report about super vamp Alaric to Klaus. Rebekah still being Rebekah, she doesn’t tell Klaus anything about his crush’s current predicament, despite the nice moment they shared and also the fact that Caroline just saved her life.

No, she’s freaked and wants to make a run for it ASAP. But Klaus is still fixated on grabbing Elena first. Rebekah makes an impassioned plea for him to trust in his family instead of creating more hybrids; when he refuses, she abandons him there. Ballsy of her, considering the last time she disagreed with him on the way out of town, he locked her in a coffin for 80 years. But this time, he just lets her go.

Back at the Gilberts’, Elena’s still upstairs, completely unaware of all this latest drama going down in her kitchen. The phone rings and it’s Alaric! Who’s got Caroline gagged with a vervain soaked rag and impaled to a desk with pencils through both hands. Um… gross, evil!Alaric. Not cool. He tells Elena to come meet him at the school or he’ll kill her friend. DOUBLE DUN!

Meanwhile, Klaus is at the door! Jeremy answers, but Stefan and Damon quickly banish him to his room so the grown ups can talk. His bitchy teenage eye-roll as he leaves is so beautiful to me. Oh, Little J. Never change. Klaus flat out admits he’s there to take Elena, which is either bold or stupid. (Or both. Let’s go with both.)

When the Salvatores understandably slam the door in his face, he starts throwing random crap through the windows. Wow. I can see why Elijah was the one in charge of making plans for so many years. This goes on for some time and is kind of hilarious? But just as he’s finally moved from kick balls and pieces of fence onto what would have been my first option (flaming gasoline!) Stefan gets a call from Alaric that breaks the party up.

Because, yes! Elena isn’t even there anymore… having somehow managed to sneak out and drive to the high school without any of the mighty vampires noticing. Hah!

So the instantly formed yet uneasy alliance of Team: Rescue Elena stands around on the porch, uselessly snarking and brainstorming for a bit. Luckily for them, Bonnie comes outside with with an actual idea. I’m distracted by the face that she’s somehow managed to change into regular clothes (Elena’s, I’m guessing?) and completely straighten her hair in the last two minutes. Anyway, her clever plan is thus: perform the same spell on Alaric that her mother used to immobilize Mikael fifteen years before. Okay, honestly? That is a great idea and I really don’t know why none of them thought to try it on Klaus all this time.

When Elena gets to the school, she’s horrified to see Caroline’s condition. Alaric pretends that he’ll just let Elena release her, but of course he’s lying. Poor Elena looks so sad and hurt — especially because evil!Alaric is still acting weirdly paternal, in his own creepy way.

(I mean sure, he lied to her about letting  Caroline go, but only to teach her a valuable lesson about not trusting vampires! And sure, he’s torturing one of her best friends, but only because he wants to make it easier for Elena to put a stake through her heart!)

At the Salvatores’, Damon’s watching Bonnie pace in front of another effing roaring fire. Okay, really? Now I know the writers are just trolling me. Do none of these houses have heat? Is this some alternate Virginia where it’s not lovely in the spring?

ANYWAY. They’re apparently waiting for Abby, who I guess Jaime knew how to contact? Damon’s snarking (I know, I know: might as well say “Damon’s breathing” except how, you know… he’s not) about Abby’s general history of unreliability. But she does finally show up for a  semi-awkward reunion with her daughter and SUPER AWKWARD one with Damon. Heh. Bonnie explains what they need and Abby is horrified, explaining that the spell calls on some pretty dark stuff, and requires that Bonnie stop a human heart.

Klaus and Stefan are waiting at the school for the rest of the team to arrive. Klaus makes it clear that he’s going to take Elena with him when he leaves, no matter what. Stefan doesn’t miss a beat, offering to come along to make sure she’s safe. Never one to stop beating a horse even after it’s long dead, Klaus makes some more digs about Elena’s feeeelings for Damon, but Stefan isn’t biting: all of Klaus’ interference has only brought him and Damon closer together than ever, and nothing will change that. Klaus looks perplexed by the idea of family loyalty.

Damon, Bonnie, and Jeremy show up. It seems Jeremy will be this episode’s sacrificial lamb so that Bonnie can perform the spell. Damon wants him to give up his ring first, since Jeremy’s already died a couple of times while wearing it (conveniently leaving out the part where he was the one who killed him at least one of those times) but Little J refuses.

Bonnie explains the mechanics of the spell to everyone, which involves some communal blood drinking. One of the vamps will need to make a connection to Alaric’s heart through his bloodstream while Bonnie stops Jeremy’ heart. (Given how difficult this turns out to be later on, I wonder how Abby pulled it off all by herself with Mikael?) Klaus takes the opportunity to claim that he’s the sire of their vampire line, in case they were getting any funny ideas about letting Alaric off him. I’ll just… take that with a grain of salt.

Inside, bad daddy Alaric is giving Elena a super mean pep talk about how she needs guidance and how disappointed her parents would be to see her vampire-enabling choices. Harsh, Alaric! Probably true… but still harsh!

After basically calling her a race traitor, he forces a stake into her hand so she can take poor Caroline out of her misery. And that misery is very gross and effective, thanks to the sores on her face from the vervain gag, so… good job, make up team?

Elena, of course, tries to stake him instead, which he was anticipating. But he forgot that Elena’s not actually an idiot… and is therefore unprepared when she uses the distraction to smash the jar of vervain against his face. Go Elena! She gets Caroline free while Alaric howls in agony. They both make a run for it, but he recovers enough to grab Elena at the door. D’oh!

Caroline stops in the hall, looking like she’s thinking about going back for Elena, but Klaus swoops up, grabbing her from behind and–wow, seriously? Why do I STILL find these two kind of hot? WHY? It’s so shameful — I’m Team Tyler all the way! And if Caroline actually got together with Klaus after all the crap he’s pulled, I would be super angry! But when he’s being sweet with her like this… I still kind of get stomach flutters?

Ugh. I blame actor chemistry.

Anyway! Klaus whisper orders her to go straight home and stay there, safe, while he rescues Elena. She thanks him and takes off. I continue cursing my traitorous stomach butterflies.

Alaric has Elena slammed up against a locker by the throat. He tells her that siding with the vampires over her own kind makes her just as bad as they are. Elena, no stranger to death threats by this point, basically dares him to do it. But after briefly vamping out… he doesn’t. HMMMM. I wanted to think this might be a sign there’s something of good!Alaric still left in there, but events in the next scene would point to another reason.

To wit: Stefan and Damon show up and grab Alaric, but he breaks free, easily snapping both the Salvatores’ necks. Oops! Klaus goes for his heart anyway, while Bonnie chants over Jeremy somewhere in the woods. But it takes too long to take effect and Alaric breaks free again. He’s about to stake Klaus when Elena stops him by holding a knife to her own throat.

She’s figured out, you see, that since her blood anchored the spell that made him a super vamp, killing her will kill him too. That was Esther’s way of ensuring Alaric wouldn’t turn out like her rotten kids (… and my sweet Elijah. Kisses, baby! Wherever you are!). Alaric tries to call her bluff, but when she actually begins to cut herself, he totally freaks out and gives the game away. Klaus takes advantage of Alaric’s distraction to break free of his hold, grab Elena, and flee into the daylight. TRIPLE DUN!

(Also: Elena totally wins the award for Ultimate Bad Ass of this episode for partially slitting her own throat. Daaaaamn, girl.)

Chez Original: Tyler’s shocked to find Elena tied to a chair, getting slowly drained of all her blood by a cheerfully compelled nurse. It seems Klaus has decided to cut his losses, get as much blood as he can, and then kill her to remove the threat of Alaric forever. Charming! Tyler makes to help her, but Klaus orders him to go get more blood bags instead, and he has no choice but pretend to comply.

In the meantime, Klaus, proving he really is evil, decides to talk as well as bleed her to death with a big speech about how he’s doing her a favor by killing her before she has to make a choice between Stefan and Damon. Oh, brother. He spins some bullshit about how she’s the home wrecker who drove a wedge between them, and I’m sorry, but what? I hope the show isn’t planning on rewriting history, because I remember very clearly that Stefan and Damon were at odds long before either of them met Elena, and in fact managed to repair their relationship in spite of the fact that she was in a relationship with Stefan for most of the time since.

Ugh, whatever.

Back at the school, Damon wakes up to his phone ringing — presumably Tyler? — and Alaric standing over him and Stefan. Alaric tells them that Klaus is going to kill Elena, and they need to go rescue her because Alaric is stuck at the school until sundown. Are the daylight rings attuned to work for just one vampire? I don’t understand why Alaric doesn’t just take one of theirs otherwise, but I don’t remember if that’s ever been spelled out before? (Also, I love the way the sides and alliances shift multiple times during this episode — this show is so good at that.)

After gloating a bit more (and unsuccessfully trying to get Elena to tell him who her choice would have been, “just between us girls” — hee!) Klaus finally leaves, allowing Tyler to comes sneaking in to free Elena. Yay, Tyler! Unfortunately, Klaus comes back before they can escape.

This grants Tyler the chance to finally tell his sire to go fuck himself, which is immensely satisfying for all concerned. Well, except for Klaus. When the latter expresses disbelief that the bond could be broken, Tyler tells him he did it for Caroline and “real love is stronger than fake loyalty.” Aww! Klaus takes this all about as well as you might expect. After knocking Elena out, he’s about to rip Tyler’s heart out when the Salvatores show up. Damon and Tyler grab Klaus while Stefan holds a hand to his heart so Bonnie can perform the desiccation spell. So I guess that whole thing with Tyler was meant to be a distraction? Finally, a plan that actually works!

This time the spell takes hold — there’s a lot of intense eye contact between Klaus  and Stefan, with Klaus really giving the mournful puppy dog eyes his all, but to no avail! And just like that… no more Klaus. Finally.

Meanwhile, out in the woods, Bonnie snaps out of her spell trance to find Jeremy’s heart stopped. She starts another spell to revive him, panicking a little when it doesn’t work right away, but he eventually wakes up. Hopefully not evil. They share a tender moment of relief. I… really hope we’re not gearing up for Bonnie/Jeremy 2.0.

Stefan and Damon walk Elena to her door. She claims to be fine, other than a little headache. The boys warn that Alaric will be out and about as soon as the sun goes down, but Elena’s not worried about that, since he can’t kill her. With Klaus’ taunts apparently weighing on her mind, however, she confesses that she knows it’s selfish to keep them both on the hook like this. But she honestly can’t stand the thought of losing either one of them from her life, and knows that that will happen when she finally makes a choice.

(I really appreciate the writers keep emphasizing fear of loss in Elena’s characterization. Go emotional continuity!)

To their credit, both Stefan and Damon respond to this refreshingly honest but still awkward confession very gracefully before heading off to dump Klaus’ comatose body into the Atlantic.

Inside, Elena finds the whole high school gang — even cute!Matt, yay! — waiting in her kitchen for an impromptu “We effing finally got rid of Klaus after two seasons!” party. Despite my earlier butterflies, I like that Caroline exhibits zero guilt or hesitation over Klaus’ fate. Good choice, writers — chemistry doesn’t mean your characters should ignore things like repeated sadism and murder!

There are shots and smiles all around, and even Jeremy looks like he’s enjoying himself. It’s nice to see everyone so happy, although the first time I watched this, I was too busy anticipating the inevitable cliffhanger twist to really share their joy.

Across town, Liz (LIZ!) shows up at the Mayor’s house for a last minute council meeting… convened by evil!Alaric. Ruh-roh. He wastes no time spilling the beans to the rest of the council about the compromises both woman have been making to their sacred duties lately. Seems like someone’s staging a coup!

Road trip! Stefan and Damon are feeling pretty giddy about their victory. They’re also bro-chatting about Elena. Stefan nobly promises that if she ever chooses Damon, he’ll leave town to make things less awkward. Ugh, way to totally validate her fear of inevitably losing one of you, Stefan. How about promising to stay in town and not be an asshole about things?

Damon snarks that in 60 years, they’ll just meet up again like nothing happened, and now I’m stuck on this image of young Ian Somerhalder with an 80 year old Elena, which would be weird and also kind of awesome? He finally also promises to leave town if she chooses Stefan, and… I really don’t get this. She already did “choose” Stefan for like TWO WHOLE SEASONS and somehow they all managed to co-exist in the same town. Whatever, drama llamas.

Later, after everyone else has cleared out, Elena finds Jeremy in the half-painted Room of Lost Parental Figures. They have a really nice moment where Elena lays out all the people who would lose someone if Alaric succeeds in his plan to kill all vampires and volunteers to be the bad guy for not wanting that to happen. Jeremy sweetly points out that if Alaric succeeds, he might decide he no longer needs Elena alive, and Jeremy couldn’t handle that loss. Elena and I are both touched. Hugs, Little J!

And finally, we get to the cliffhanger twist: Jeremy leaves Elena alone, and she starts painting again. (Seriously, Elena? After the day you just had, I would DEFINITELY be bra-less in my comfy yoga pants with some chocolate and the latest episode of Community by now! But I digress.)

Suddenly, she makes a face like she’s in pain and then collapses to the floor, blood streaming from her nose. Uh-oh. Guess that little headache was kind of a big deal after all?

Next week: season finale! I… have no idea what’s going to happen because TiVo cut off most of the preview. I assume big drama? And probably Damon will be attractive?

I really could have lived without another instance of “Cops are bad! The system is broken!” on this show, but I can’t say that I’ll really miss Ronnie at all. Finding out he’s secretly a woman-hating psycho is the most interesting characterization he’s ever gotten, which isn’t saying much. The guy’s never been much more than a one-note, utterly uncharismatic buffoon. And frankly, since Carlivati has improved her writing a little, I even like Padilla better. (Padilla! Oh, how the worm has turned.)

So good riddance, Ronnie! Especially if it can bring about more interactions between Dante and my new boyfriend, John McBain:

DANTE: I’m gonna call Jason.
McBAIN: Why?
DANTE: Well, his pregnant wife has been abducted. I think he deserves to know.
McBAIN: Hey, it’s your dime, Detective, but he ain’t a cop; he don’t belong there.

Ladies and gentlemen, reason number eighty-nine to love John McBain: not thinking it’s a good idea to treat the local hit man as a one man, freelance SWAT team! The best part of that exchange was you could actually see the wheels of confusion slowly turning in Dante’s face there: “Jason… hit man, not cop? Hit man… doesn’t belong… in hostage situation? Whaaaaaa…?”

(I should add that aside from the above, I’ve really enjoyed Dante the last few days. Amazing what not being focused on  Sonny can do for a man! Dominic Zamprogna has played his panic and desperation to find Lulu very nicely. I love that he reached out to Luke and got Padilla to believe him; I’m really looking forward to him seeing McBain in a hopefully better light after all this is over.)

Not to be outdone, the ladies — though in peril — have also been acquitting themselves fairly well. First Lulu, intrepid girl detective that she apparently now is (and while I would still prefer her as intrepid girl reporter, this is still miles above intrepid… fashion magazine receptionist) figured out Ronnie was the most likely suspect, kept her calm when gagged and bound to a bed, and managed to reveal her location to both John and Dante.

Then Sam got to use her own smarts and cool under pressure to both direct Ronnie where to take them and leave a clue behind for McBain. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Sam gets exponentially more interesting to me the further away she is from Jason.

(And how much do I love that she’s currently away from Jason after telling him off for his hypocritical douchbaggery and leaving him to get his shit together without her? SO MUCH.)

I’m curious to see if the new regime will actually be able to keep Jason out of the fray for long. A pair of cops the only heroes of the day? Don’t they know this is Port Charles, where hit men are saints and mobsters have hearts of gold?

Speaking of mobsters, gosh, do you guys think Sonny will get kille– Sorry, no. Can’t even sarcastically pretend to ask that question. But this did happen:

SONNY: How would you feel if your dad was gone for–
STARR: Don’t compare yourself to my father! On the worst day he ever lived he could not be nearly as hateful as you are.

Oh, Starr… no. I’m sorry. Listen, I love Todd Manning. He is worth a dozen Sonny Corinthoses in my book. (Two dozen, even!) But please let’s not forget that on his worst day, Todd was a gang rapist, so just… no. Stop. Please.

(Also with the baby voice. Stop. Seriously. I BEG OF YOU.)

Let’s see, has anything else of note happened the last few days? Maybe something wonderful and old school that rhymes with “bat might”?

I wish there was a way I could embed a sound file of just that scream Kelly Sullivan let out before charging Carly like an enraged hippo. Because — and I know I’ve been saying this a lot lately– it was amazing. (And look at her expression in that cap! She is thisclose to detaching her lower jaw and EATING LAURA WRIGHT’S FACE.)

So that was fun. Also fun? Seeing this look on Johnny:

Let’s just say that if every episode for the foreseeable future could begin with someone showing up at Johnny’s door and either sucker punching him (kisses, Michael!) or kneeing him in the groin, I would not be complaining.

Of course, Carly being Carly, even piecing together the truth about Kate’s condition didn’t do much to deter her focus from the real victim of the situation: Carly.

CARLY: It’s something Johnny made up to justify his affair with Kate! Turning it into some complicated revenge plot with mental illness involved instead of two lying liars, literally screwing each other.

Oh, my. Where to start? Dear Carly: HOW DOES THAT JUSTIFY ANYTHING? Listen to the words coming out of your mouth, woman! Good God.

The irony is that Johnny actually does have a semi-legitimate justification he could have used — after all, Konnie did set him up and then threaten to lie and say he’d attacked her if he wouldn’t voluntarily sleep with her. Personally, I still have very little sympathy for him, because his arm clearly did not need much twisting. But you’d think he’d at least try leading with that instead of “it’s not my fault I slept with her; she wasn’t in her right mind!”

Lucky for him, his girlfriend is as morally repugnant as he is! (Because being betrayed by your man sleeping with an unwilling partner is OBVIOUSLY so much better than a truly consensual affair, right?) Oh, Carly. Stay classy.

Okay, you guys. I have to admit I have been procrastinating doing this recap much more than usual. I just didn’t want to watch the episode again. So, I’m going to apologize in advance for the histrionics and melodrama… and flouncing, lots and lots of flouncing.

We open on Klaus doing some of his mopey painting. Rebekah, er, Esther comes in with what she says is the last of the white oak stakes (hint: it’s not!) and Klaus casually tosses it in the fire. Honestly, I never noticed the fires until T pointed them out, but now I can’t help but think about how ridiculous it is that they seem to constantly have them going.

Anyhoo, Klaus announces that they’re going to grab Elena and go. Rebekster says she really, really wants to go to the dance, and somehow convinces Klaus to leave town the next day instead so they can both attend a high school formal. Uh, that’s just absurd. But, whatever. Rebekah tends to be absurd, so I’ll just go with it. 

Meanwhile, Damon and Alaric are having a boyfriend chat about his blackouts. Alaric says he should get out of town so he isn’t a danger to anyone. Except Alaric is lying, he and Rebekster are in cahoots! She wants Alaric to help her consciousness get back into her own body by daggering Rebekah’s body. Er, okay?

At the school, Elena is expressing concern about Alaric while Caroline goes crazy with dance prep. Even Jeremy and Matt are helping decorate! Awww. It seems Matt has been helping Jeremy re-acclimate, and even got him his old job back.

Elena thinks she’s going on a date with the girls to the dance that night. But Caroline turns the conversation into a Team Stefan rally and calls him Elena’s “epic love.” Barf. She thinks it’s only fair that Elena take Stefan to the dance since she recently made out with Damon. I think the girl date sounded much better.

So Elena calls Stefan and awkwardly asks him to the dance. Stefan is so happy he half cracks a smile for a quarter of a second! Jeez, Stefan. Your overwhelming emotion is embarrassing. Tone it down! Damon comes in and snarks about Stefan taking Elena to the dance to hid his enormous man pain about it all. Man, these guys are really getting on my nerves.

After pouting at Stefan, Damon heads over to the hospital to gossip with Meredith about Alaric. It seems he’s discovered that his boyfriend hasn’t been taking the magic herbs that Bonnie gave him to keep the psychopath under wraps. DUN!

Esther takes Alaric to the spot where she was killed (because it has some magic significance or something?) and asks for his ring. Because he isn’t an idiot, evil!Alaric is a little hesitant. But Esther explains that she can bind the magic of the ring to the white oak so it won’t burn up when it kills an original. The possibility of being able to kill all of them is too tempting to pass up — he gives up the ring, she does the requisite chanting, and the stake becomes all magic-like!

Back at Elena’s house, she’s getting ready for the dance and looks super cute as a flapper. Stefan comes to pick her up, and I’m sure you know I could give a crap about how adorable they’re supposed to be. I just can’t see Stefan as sweet anymore after he was such an ass. Anyway, everyone is at the dance and in their 20s best, and they all seem to know how to do the Charleston.

Caroline confronts Matt about how close he’s been getting to Elena lately. Oh, is that still happening? Her attempt to remind us of that C or D plot is interrupted by Tyler showing up at the dance. Caroline freaks out about him showing up, but Tyler is determined to mark his territory show Klaus he loves Caroline.

Stefan makes a joke about having blacked out most of the 20s, which is hilarious because of all those people he killed, amirite? Then they slow dance and angst about their drama. Just as they’re having a moment, it’s of course interrupted by Damon. He’s there to break the news about Alaric, namely: the Alaric they knew is gone.

Of course, Damon casually suggests that they should just kill him. Whaa? They are really going there? He isn’t even going to try to save Alaric? Jeremy shows up and is also offended by this idea. When he storms off, Elena follows him outside — and guess who’s waiting there for them? Esther! She wants Elena to come with her. Jeremy runs back to grab the Stefan and Damon, but by the time they show up, Esther has not only taken Elena, but cast a binding spell to keeping them from leaving the school. DUN!

Bonnie gets to flirt and enjoy herself for a brief minute. It would be nice if she got to have a sweet relationship. Although it would also be nice if it wasn’t just thrown together, but earned. But we can’t have it all! Anyway, Damon throws some cold water on the situation when he storms in to get Bonnie’s help with the binding spell situation.

Elsewhere: Esther explains that she needed Elena because her blood can be used to bind a spell. Elena is still concerned about Alaric, but her Alaric isn’t home anymore. Esther reveals that her plan is to turn him into another original vampire vampire hunter. (Say that ten times fast!) Elena is horrified and asks how Esther knows he won’t become something even worse than her children. Fair point. She gives an explanation that makes little sense to me, but basically means that he will be obsessed with killing vampires. Esther also reveals that the reason Alaric is going bonkers is because every time he died she was messing around with his–soul? mind?–or something. [But then what about Elena's 1912 ancestor who also went psychotic? Was Esther messing with her mind too? - Tenillypo] Yeah, I know, right? As with so many other things on this show – just go with it.

Back at the dance, Klaus comes over to chide Tyler for leaving town and commands Tyler to let him dance with Caroline. I can’t tell if Tyler is just acting like his sire bond is still working or if it actually is. Klaus gives a speech about how he can give Caroline a better life, and I think I threw up a bit in my mouth. I’m so over Klaus. And lucky for everyone at the dance, Klaus is also stuck with them due to the binding spell, which he soon discovers and is rather cranky about.

Bonnie is trying to break the spell, but apparently not fast enough for Klaus’ taste. He starts threatening her through Jaime. I really, really want her to be able to kick his ass. Meanwhile, Matt and Jeremy have discovered that non-supernatural beings can leave whenever they want to and head off after Elena.

Back at the creepy witch place, Elena is trying to find a glimpse of the Alaric she knows in the man before her. Instead, evil! Alaric gives a speech about how Elena doesn’t really know him. Elena says she won’t give her blood for the spell, but Ester just takes it anyway, and — despite Elena’s desperate protests — Alaric drinks it. The spell is finished by him getting stabbed in the gut. Nooeeesssss!

Back at the dance from hell, Damon gives Bonnie some of Jeremy’s blood to try to help locate Elena with a spell. She tears into Damon about how he has made her life a living hell. He so deserves that, Bonnie! They figure out that Esther has a lot of power, so she must be on the “hot spot” at the cemetery. Well, that’s convenient! Stefan tells us that Jeremy and Matt have gone there to try to find Elena.

Caroline and Stefan find Tyler out in the gym, pouting. He reminds them that he knows Klaus dying means he dies too, and even suggests that it might be better that way. But not for the good of everyone, just because he is extremely jealous. Um, yay? Anyway, Caroline seems touched.

Back at the cave of despair, Elena is pulling the stake out of Alaric’s chest. Esther tells her that before Alaric completes the transformation, he might be himself again for a while. She also says that once he kills the others, he can die too. I’m sorry, IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING? HOW CAN THEY BE MAKING ALARIC AN EVIL VAMPIRE!?! Esther also tells Elena that even though Jenna was made into a vampire, she is at peace. I guess that’s good to know?

Jeremy and Matt show up to help Elena. Awww. Sweet, defenseless boys. Esther thinks it’s pretty foolish too and magics them into turning their gun and cross bow on one another.  D’oh! Thankfully, real Alaric shows up just in time to kill her. I’m really not a fan of Esther right now.

Back at the dance, Klaus is blaming Stefan for his mother still being free. Boo-effing-hoo. Somehow it all comes back to the usual place of him feeling so, so sad that Stefan isn’t his buddy anymore. Look, Klaus, can you please stop with that? I miss evil!Stefan too, but I’m not being all annoying moody pants over it. GAWD. Damon arrives just in time to stake his claim as “Brother of the Century.” The pissing contests in this episode are intolerable.

Bonnie comes out to tell them she succeeded and they are free. She apparently has equal opportunity anger, because she snaps at Stefan too.

Back at the caves, Alaric tells Jeremy he isn’t going to complete the transition to vampire. Jeremy and I both have a meltdown about this. (When did we get on the same wavelength?) Alaric asks me–I mean Jeremy–not to make this any harder, but seriously? They are going to take away my Alaric? Why? WHY? Why, GOD, WHY?!?

Elena blames herself for asking him to take care of them after Jenna died. But Alaric assures her that taking care of her and Jeremy was the closest thing he ever got to having the life he really wanted. OH MY GOD! MY HEART IS DYING. SHOW, YOU ARE KILLING ME. Ahem. After saying their goodbyes, Elena and Alaric come out to find the whole gang waiting for them in a show of nonverbal support. Alaric sadly takes a last look at them all before shutting himself back in the cave. I am crying all the tears right now, guys. SO MANY TEARS. HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP?

Back at Klaus’ coffin collection, he undaggers Rebekah and gives a threatening speech to his mother’s body. Man, this guy needs some serious therapy.

Jamie takes Bonnie home and he is sweet and supportive. Poor, poor Jamie. I hope he lives past a few episodes because Bonnie needs someone to lean on.

Matt and Jeremy go to the only bar in town and have a drink in Alaric’s name. Meanwhile, Elena heads to Alaric’s office at school to cleans up all his stuff. He really kept that much vampire killing stuff there? It seems like overkill. She is clearly having a meltdown. Stefan shows up and talks her down by reminding her how he came back from biting her in the gym… and I’m not sure that this is a very helpful talk.

Back at the cave of grief and depression, Meredith tells Damon that she has given Alaric a sedative to help him die peacefully in his sleep. Damon says he offered to just snap his neck to get it over with, but he wasn’t interested. Oh, Damon. We know your heart is dying too! Meredith tells Damon to go be with him. I guess she can’t since she is human and he might try to feed on her?

Damon gives in and goes to sit with his bestie for a final drink. He even apologizes for killing him those couple of times. SOB! Alaric teases him about giving that deathbed dream to Rose. Awwww… of course he knows about that. Damon is trying to put up a brave front, but he looks wrecked. Damn. His relationship with Alaric might be the best thing about his character. What will we do without it? I really can’t handle this.

Back at Bonnie’s place, Esther appears to her almost as if in a dream, and compels her to go to Alaric. She does some brain freeze mojo on Damon, stabs herself, and gives her blood to him to drink. Gah! Alaric feeds on her and menacingly wields the indestructible stake. Damn!

Okay, Alaric better come back, you guys. I spent the entire last half of this episode convincing myself that vampire dead is way better than dead dead and that anything could happen to bring our old Alaric back. I really hope so. For now, I’m seriously depressed.

Tonight: Badass Alaric rises. Mopes.

But you guys, Heather Webber is my new girlfriend! I mean, I already loved her, because, you know… Heather. Today, though, she really outdid herself. Because just when I was wondering how Steve could be even more boring when he wasn’t even on screen, things took a turn for the AWESOME. Yes, that’s right: Heather pulled out her signature maniacal grin, served up some special iced tea, and rid us of Maggie’s painful overly-precise enunciation once and for all!

HEATHER: You really shouldn’t have called me crazy.
MAGGIE: *FLOP*

My love for that moment cannot be textually rendered, y’all. I had to rewatch the FLOP like five times in a row before deleting the episode. It was that amazing.

Even more amazing? Despite my disappointment in the on-going Johnny/Konnie shenanigans — and more on that below — the rest of the show has been pretty much ON FIRE these last few days. So many great little scenes! Like Luke — once again exhibiting concern for both Tracy and Lulu in a way that makes him seem like a human being! (I’m… agog, frankly.)

Then there’s Carly and Sam’s beautiful frenemies talk today:

CARLY: Oh, God.
SAM: What?
CARLY: I think we just had a girlfriend moment.

OH GOD, indeed. I would be so happy to see them slip into bantery animosity masking true affection. Make it happen, RC! I know you know how. This show desperately needs some girlfriends.

And speaking of frenemies and ladies I really wish had more girlfriends, Elizabeth had another really nice conversation with Jason, this time dispensing some much needed marital advice about TALKING TO HIS DAMN WIFE, ALREADY. Liz helping Sam deal with the rape has been something I’ve been rooting for since it happened, so I’m glad she finally knows. But I really hope the irony of Jason spilling an incredibly personal secret to another woman (and then to Sonny!) like that while in the midst of complaining about Sam spilling personal secrets to another man was intentional.

Because seriously Jason? SHUT THE EFF UP ALREADY. You can’t complain your wife doesn’t talk to you about anything and then tell her that talking doesn’t solve anything whenever she does try to start a conversation! And you can’t whinge on about her confiding in someone else WHILE YOU’RE CONFIDING IN OTHER PEOPLE.

Or, you can, because clearly, you already have. But don’t expect me not to want to give you a swift kick in the crotch over it.

(And yes, I get why Sam talking to John about this stuff and keeping secrets from her husband would be hurtful to Jason. I even think he’s entitled to be a little miffed. But some empathy and perspective would be nice, considering that, you know… she’s dealing with a lot of shit right now, too. LIKE LEARNING SHE WAS RAPED BY A PSYCHOPATH AND IS CARRYING HIS BABY. You know, little things like that. Which might make a person react in less than ideal ways? And warrant some extra leeway instead of silent rage and interrogation about how she hasn’t handled everything in a way that privileges his delicate widdle feelings?)

In conclusion: SHUT UP FOREVER, JASON.

Meanwhile, over at Maxie’s sentencing, Mac continues to kill me:

MAC: You know, when Georgie was murdered, I thought, “Okay. It can’t get any worse than this.” Now Robin? Maxie? [voice breaking] I can’t…
ANNA: You can! Because you’re a Scorpio, for God’s sake.
MAC: Without my girls, Anna, I don’t know who I am!

OH MY HEART.

But that’s not all, because: FELICIA!!! Yay! She was never my favorite character, but I hate that they made her a deadbeat and I’m always glad to see her come back.

I love Mac getting the chance to lay into her for leaving him to do all the hard work and then thinking she still has a right to breeze back in whenever she feels like it. I’m sure they’ll make up a little before she goes. (Assuming that Kristina Wagner isn’t staying?) And I want them to. But he deserves to yell at her a lot first.

And then, of course, Jen Lilley got to pick up the gauntlet of publicly ripping her mother a new one which Kirsten Storms so masterfully threw down the last time Felicia was in town:

MAXIE: You’re a terrible mother. And I’m a terrible daughter. So let’s not pretend otherwise.

Short, blunt, and cruel! I like it.

Meanwhile, Matt comforted Patrick (who’s apparently auditioning for the role of post-apocalyptic fisherman in his spare time, judging by his current appearance?) some more…

… and promised to be more a part of the family from now on. This, of course, was meant to be ironic, as the truth that he was the one to kill Lisa in a drunken (and hilarious!) stupor is about to come out. Which is all well and good. I mean, I really could not care less who got Lisa off our screens, so long as she stays dead and this ridiculously drawn out “mystery” ends, once and for all.

HOWEVER. If we actually lose Matt over the accidental “murder” of an unstable psychopath who was on that boat to KILL THEM ALL and whose death was pretty much a public service… then I will flip my shit. Not to mention flat out reach through the screen and strangle Spinelli if he has the balls to spend one more second bemoaning the “injustice” of Matt not paying for his “crimes.”

(Spinelli said that. SPINELLI! The same man who enjoys playing house with a hit man, doing tech support for the mob, and who once explained his failure to even try to stop the cold-blooded murder of a cop with the following: “I’m of the belief that what’s set in motion has to take its due course without outside interference.” Dear Spinelli: take your self-righteous outrage and shove it all the way up your unbelievable hypocritical ass. HATE!)

Speaking of Matt and Spinelli, I want to congratulate the writers for finally figuring out how to shoehorn product placement into the show without it being awkward and horrifying. But Cameron and Spinelli both loving the Avengers is actually in character, and the whole scenario of Matt taking Cam out as a favor for Elizabeth is plausible enough not to grate.

Not to mention utterly adorable, as all things Cameron always are:

ADORBS!

Of course, it can’t be all sunshine and roses. Because the saga of Konnie and Johnny (aka the dirt bag I used to love)  continues. The bad news is we got confirmation that they weren’t just faking for Sonny’s benefit. (Goddamnit.) The slightly less bad news is that at least someone on the show seems to have a slight clue about how gross that makes Johnny:

KATE: Don’t touch me! What kind of person are you, taking advantage of me?
JOHNNY: She wouldn’t take no for an answer!
KATE: Connie wouldn’t take no — you knew I wasn’t Connie and you did it anyway!
JOHNNY: If I would have said no, she would have found some other poor, unsuspecting guy, lured him into bed, and Sonny would have walked in.

Oh, I see! The old “if I didn’t rape you, someone else would have!” defense. Well, that certainly absolves you of all moral responsibility, Johnny! Do you have any more scintillating thoughts about the matter? You do? Oh, good:

JOHNNY: I’m sorry, but you showed up here of your own free will
KATE: Connie showed up here, all right. And instead of helping her — or at least sending her away — you had sex with me against my will.
JOHNNY: No, no, no… the woman who showed up here was very willing and incredibly eager. It’s not my fault that you changed your mind. [Ed. note: !!!]
KATE: I was out of my mind! Literally! And you knew that, Johnny.

Um, yeah. Pretty much.

To Johnny’s (miniscule) credit, some of that did appear to sink in, and hearing Anthony’s gleeful reaction seemed like the final nail in the “oh, crap, I guess I am a skeevy asshole” coffin:

JOHNNY: Kate wasn’t a willing participant. She’s a mentally ill woman. I took advantage of that. [...] Screw Sonny! I’m the one who has to pay for what I did! I took advantage of a mentally unstable woman, and I may have lost Carly forever.

Right, sure. You’ve just realized you’re pretty much a rapist, but hey — you’ve also lost a three week relationship with a woman you care about so much that you were willing to betray her for some shallow revenge. Perspective!

(I did love his insistence that Carly needed to hear the whole story — like, in what world is “I knowingly had sex with a mentally disturbed woman for revenge against your ex” better than just “I had sex with another woman because I was horny”? Johnny… is a moron.)

Today, he was thisclose to finally doing the right thing and actually trying to help her… before wussing out again. (Le sigh.) Bad Johnny! No cookie for you!

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