But that doesn’t mean Finola Hughes and Jason Thompson can’t still rip my heart out:

Thanks, guys! Appreciate it! I certainly didn’t need dry eyes while I was trying to cook dinner and pack for vacation last night. (Yes, I’ll be on vacation during the Mannings’ debut. The fact that I’m actually upset about this tells me I really need this vacation.)

So, anyway, let’s talk about Ron Carlivati! The show looks good. Doesn’t the show look good? First, let’s set the overly optimistic scene:

(Ahahaha… listening to those lyrics more carefully, I just want to clarify that I’m not actually trying to equate a writing change on a soap opera to the civil right movement. This song just makes me want to do a happy dance, okay? HAPPY DANCE, EVERYBODY!)

Anyway! RC’s report for the first couple days is a mixed bag, but I honestly didn’t expect him to fix everything that was wrong with this show in an instant. I’m hoping what we’ve seen  is setting up good stuff to come, and I’m willing to wait and see what happens. But things that I like so far include:

1. Better pacing — I may have rolled my eyes through a few scenes, but I didn’t feel the need to fast forward anything. Stuff moved. There have been honest-to-God cliffhangers.

2. Spinelli talking like an actual human being. Overly complicated nicknames, like most things in life, should be used in moderation.

3. Character moments! A lot of little ones in between the big set pieces. Spinelli and Jason, Monica and Sam, Molly and Michael. Hell, even Carly and Johnny, who I am otherwise not on board with, by the way. (She acts like his mother! Who wants to bang him! It’s… grossing me out, frankly.)

4. The fact that whatever is going on with Kate at least now makes me laugh instead of making me want to bang my head against a brick wall:

(When she knocked over the table and screeched her way out of the room? I think I died happy in that moment.)

5. The fact that I’m kind of into TJ and Molly now? Maybe it’s the fact that this show hasn’t had a proper teen scene in ages, or maybe it’s just the fact that the actor who plays TJ is far better than the material he’s previously been given, and now that he’s being written with more off a conscience, it’s letting him really shine:

Or maybe it’s just that any story that has the power to get me liking Michael again after his atrociousness lately:

MICHAEL: Look, everybody makes mistakes, okay? But the really smart ones, like you? You learn from them and you don’t do them again.
MOLLY: You make it sound like I did something great, when this is the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life.
MICHAEL: Name one thing you’ve learned tonight.
MOLLY: I don’t know, I can’t think.
MICHAEL: I think you learned that if people show up that you don’t know, for a party you don’t even know about, you don’t let them in. Okay, and some older guy you don’t know offers you a drink, you don’t take it. Okay?
MOLLY: I learned something else too.
MICHAEL: What’s that?
MOLLY: When I’m in trouble I should always call you.

Heart? Officially warmed.

Then there’s the things I loved less. (YEAH, TAKE A WILD GUESS.) The music tells me I’m supposed to be moved by Dante and Sonny’s latest détente, but because we’ve all seen almost this exact scenario play out approximately EIGHT MILLION TIMES BEFORE, I’m finding it hard to do anything but sigh. Heavily.

SONNY: Why would it surprise you that I want to save your life?
DANTE: I’ve had nothing but contempt for you for a long time now.
SONNY: What difference does it make? I’m only gonna protect you when you’re nice to me?
DANTE: I don’t know. Maybe?
SONNY: I wish you knew me better than that.
DANTE: I know you. I’m just getting to understand you. It’s a different thing.
SONNY: I don’t care how much you hate me; I would lie in front of a train for you.

OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. So now we’re supposed to believe — what? That Dante was only ever mad at Sonny because he though his daddy didn’t really love him? I mean, really?

Because from where I’m sitting, Dante’s problem with Sonny has ALWAYS been the fact that while he’d happily lay down in front of a train for any of his kids, he’d also happily shoot an unarmed cop in the chest if he didn’t know they were related. He’d plant a bomb in his daughter’s boyfriend’s car if he didn’t know she’d be in it. He’d raise his son to believe that power through violence is the only way to get respect. He’d believe he was above the law, time and time again, and steal, hurt, and kill to get what he wanted.

How any of that is suddenly wiped away by him getting between Dante and another bullet is completely effing beyond me.

(But seriously, they are killing me with this crap. KILLING ME.)

In slightly less depressing news — you guys, you guys! Remember that time we almost lost Dante? (No, not that time he was shot in the chest… or that other time he was shot in the chest.) I’m talking about that time we almost lost his soul when he verged on forgetting Sonny is a self-absorbed, murderous hypocrite who only pays lip service to loving anyone other than himself and who poisons everything he touches?

Then on Friday, we got this:

DANTE: I don’t want your damn protection anymore! I want you behind bars where you belong! And until that happens… you are dead to me.

Dead to him! Of course, we all know this new resolve was doomed to last all of five seconds. Dear Dante: Sonny taking a bullet for you doesn’t change any of the reasons you just told him to go fuck himself! Stay strong!

Oh, well. It was nice while it lasted. (Thanks for nothing, Kate, um, I mean, “mystery shooter.”)

Speaking of Kate, the greatest part about Sonny’s latest display of childish public tantrum throwing is that just about everyone was united in disgust over it. Including Kate, although she appears to have been watching a completely different show:

KATE: Oh, God, I’m a fool!
OLIVIA: For Sonny? Yeah, probably.
KATE: You know, I thought I could make it all right with him. And that would make it all right with me, which is just selfish if you think about it, because… because it’s never going to work.
OLIVIA: He always sabotages the thing that he wants the most.
KATE: His-his children are the thing that matter the most. Nothing is more important to Sonny… than his children.

Okay, let’s back this up. First of all, most sane people would consider the fact that their significant other puts his or her children first to be a GOOD THING.

But second… how in the hell anyone could watch Sonny’s meltdown over the fact that Johnny spoiled a night that was supposed to be about Dante pulmonary medicine how awesome Sonny is (and that’s not just me reading between the lines for the most unflattering interpretation possible; he literally said “Tonight was supposed to be MY night!” in the most outraged tone imaginable) — how anyone could hear that and come to the conclusion that anything other than Sonny’s own enormous, bloated ego is the most important thing to him… is completely beyond me.

Meanwhile, Maxie, in her continued quest to become the only character in the show to rival Sonny in self-absorption and hatefulness, first interrupted Robin at work to harangue her about the mess Maxie has made of her life (and how it’s all Elizabeth’s fault, of course)… and then to yell at Robin for how selfish Robin is for daring to have a good relationship with her mother (!!) and for caring more about saving her patient’s life than fixing Maxie’s problems for her (!!!).

Oh, and to accidentally started the gas leak that definitely did not kill Robin, because LALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU ROBIN WILL LIVE FOREVER.

Ahem. Then, because that wasn’t quite enough reason to hate her for all eternity, Maxie headed over for an epic confrontation with Matt and Elizabeth at the benefit in which Elizabeth got to bring some old school cat fight mojo, and it was kind of awesome:

ELIZABETH: By the way, until I get my job back, my full time occupation is going to be making your life? A living hell.

Welcome back, Becky Herbst’s delightful bitchface! I’ve missed you!

So, all in all, the last couple of days have been way more watchable than the last several months combined. They weren’t perfect, but I’m seeing better pacing and more character moments already — and this is just with Ron Carlivati’s tweaking of Garin Wolf’s material.

You guys! I am legitimately excited about today’s episode. When was the last time any of us felt that way about this show?

Montage! It’s the morning after the ball, and Elena — unlike a normal person — does not wake up and immediately stumble groggily to the bathroom to ponder the hilariousness of her bedhead as she pees. (Was that TMI? Sorry, readers. Deal with it.)

No, she’s already so perfectly perfect looking that she doesn’t even stop to brush the eye boogers away before first calling  Stefan (too busy brooding to answer)… and then Damon (still bitchy about having his widdle feelings hurt the night before).

Oh, and still in bed with Rebekah. Oops?

(I know we’ve seen it before, by the way, but this is the first time I realized how much I covet Elena’s bedroom, which is enormous and pretty and full of light, and features a comfy looking window seat that I long to curl up on.)

Anyway, Elena — not put off by Damon’s pouting over the phone — heads over to the mansion to talk things out in person… just in time to catch Rebekah leaving in last night’s ballgown. Aaaaaawkward! Elena’s hurt that he’s hooking up with someone who just tried to kill her. Solid point for her. Damon tries to act like his decision to bone the enemy had nothing to do with her breaking his fragile heart the night before, but really: who does he think he’s kidding?

Certainly not Elena!

But down to business: she fills Damon in on the details of her chat with Esther and reveals that she’s feeling guilty about lying to Elijah. (See? Even Elena loves Elijah.) Damon, however, is feeling zero sympathy for any of the originals, including the one he spent the better part of the night having sex with. Stay classy, Damon! He warns Elena not to mess this plan up. Ominously, she makes no promises, and after she leaves, Stefan shows up to confab with Damon about their mutual unworthiness (agreed, boys!) and the likelihood that Elena will screw things up with her girly feelings of compassion (extremely high).

Chez Original: Kol mocks Rebekah for her walk of shame (“Our sister is a strumpet” – heh) and complains to Klaus of his boredom. God, Kol in annoying. I’m starting to sympathize with Klaus having daggered him for a 100 years.

The two of them head over to the The Only Bar In Town in search of some fun, while Elijah stays to ask Rebekah about their mother’s suspicious behavior. Rebekah claims not to have noticed, but Elijah isn’t convinced. DUN!

Later that day, Elena rants to Bonnie about the Damon/Rebekah sitch while the latter tries to recreate the anti-eavesdropping spell Esther used the night before. (Which… is smart thinking, girls! I love this show’s attention to details like that.) Caroline — forced to wait out in the hall to test whether the spell is working (it isn’t) — is also extremely cranky about being forced to hear all about Damon the vampire gigolo. Heh.

Bonnie finally interrupts Elena’s Damon freak out to drop the bomb that Esther already paid a call on her and Abby, asking them for their help with the spell to kill all the originals. Which — oh, yeah — is going down that very night. Elena’s still torn.

Which is unfortunate, because who should show up at the door after the girls leave, but Elijah! (Elena, by the way, doesn’t even bother to see who it is before answering. Girl, you get kidnapped every damn week. At least check your peephole first.) Elijah wants to show her something mysterious out in the middle of nowhere, which is totally not at all a creepy request, but what is she going to say? No?

(Anyway, it’s Elijah. I would probably go watch paint dry with him, just to see him wrinkle his delightful nose in boredom.) (What? I don’t have problems!)

After a brief Mystic Falls history lesson out in the woods, Elijah cuts to the chase: he can tell Elena was lying to him about his mother’s plans the night before. She caves pretty much instantly and basically confesses to everything. Uh-oh. He knocks a hole in the ground and drops Elena into the caves underneath.

Over at the Grille, Alaric is apparently out on a date with Psycho Doctor Meredith, but has stopped to take a call from his best boyfriend, Damon, who’s looking for Elena. Alaric hasn’t seen her, and won’t promise to tie her up if he does see her, much to Damon’s disgust. Way to not be helpful, Alaric. Geez.

Dr. Psycho updates him on the total standstill the investigation into his attack has come to, and suggests a vampire is the only culprit that makes sense — just in time for Klaus and Kol to show up! (Kol, by the way, stares at Dr. Psycho with a suspicious intensity. I know we’re supposed to think he just wants to eat her but maybe they’re secretly working together?)

Bonnie and Abby meet up with Esther and Finn at the witch house, where Esther explains that she needs to draw on the entire Bennett witch bloodline — living and dead — in order to pull off the spell. And she needs Bonnie and her mom to help maintain the connection. (Finn, who I would like to know more about, is a willing sacrifice who views his life as a curse and his death as a gift.)

Meanwhile, Elena is stuck wandering around the caves with Rebekah, who is serving as jailer and possible executioner for the evening. As Elijah explains to Damon and Stefan — they have until one minute before moonrise to stop the spell by killing Bonnie and Abby, or Rebekah will kill Elena. Rebekah, of course, is incredibly willing to make Elena’s murder her last act, because she’s still pouting over being stabbed in the back by our heroine just when they were starting to bond. God,  for immortal killing machines, all the vampires on this show are less mature than the actual high school students when it comes to having their feelings hurt.

Stefan’s expression above = hilariously Blue Steel

Damon, as usual, has come up with a clever plan to counteract Elijah’s directive: if they dagger one of the originals, all will be affected. But since the dagger is lethal to vampires, it’s time for Action Alaric to the Rescue! Step one: a blond distraction in the form of Caroline, whose sassy hard-to-get act has Klaus following her like an eager puppy in a matter of seconds. Heh.

Klaus catches Caroline outside, daring her to get to know him with the charm turned up to about 150%. Caroline warns him that she’s too smart to be seduced by him and his romantic drawings and helplessly adorable smile. (That last might just have been me, sorry. Why am I suddenly liking Klaus to much, you guys? IT’S WEIRD.) But you can kind of tell that even though she’s playing him here, she is kind of falling for it, despite herself.

Back inside, Kol wastes no time heading over to harass Dr. Psycho… and is promptly daggered by Alaric for his trouble. All the siblings collapse along with him. Except Klaus, who nonetheless senses something’s wrong and quickly makes me regret the previous paragraph by grabbing Caroline kind of roughly, accusing her of having done it. He vamp-speeds off to find Kol and undaggers him, knocking Alaric into a wall and prompting a stand-off when Stefan, Damon, and Elijah also show up. Elijah fills Klaus in on the Esther situation and gives the brothers Salvatore a new deadline: kill the witches now or Elena bites it.

Elena, by the way, is running through the caves again, having taken her opportunity for escape while Rebekah was feeling the affects of Kol’s daggering. Rebekah wakes up and finds her just as she enters the vamp-free zone in the cavern with the cave paintings. Clever girl! Rebekah, unfortunately, is also clever enough to have figured out that gasoline can be thrown across magical lines. Oops?

She douses Elena and most of the cave, but Elena talks her down with some truth: Rebekah won’t burn her now, because if she’s still alive tomorrow, all her revenge will have been used up. Also: she’s a whiny baby who can dish it but can’t take it. (Elena’s speech was more diplomatic, but that’s pretty much the gist.)

Stefan and Damon flip a coin to see who will incur Elena’s undying wrath by “doing the deed.” What princes. Meanwhile, Bonnie and Abby hide inside the witch house while Klaus, Elijah, and Kol confront Finn and Esther outside — protected by a giant fiery pentagram. Amusingly, Esther also seems to kind of hate Kol’s guts.

She says they’re a curse on the earth and calls them all out — even Elijah, who pretends righteousness — for their thousand years of mayhem and murder. But before she can proceed with the spell…

… Damon and Stefan have sneaked into the witch house after Bonnie and Abby, who’ve gotten separated. Stefan corners Bonnie and explains that they need to stop Esther to save Elena. But Bonnie doesn’t have the power to stop her… unless she’s no longer a witch. (It kills me to see Bonnie looking so scared here — doesn’t she have vamp-frying powers that could take Stefan out, or at least slow him down? She doesn’t even try!)

Before Stefan can do more than glower menacingly, though, Damon catches Abby, feeds her his blood, and snaps her neck.

Wow. I was not expecting that.

With the witch line “severed” (and I don’t really understand that either — why is Bonnie alone not enough to keep it going?) the flames burn too bright to see outside and then Finn and Esther disappear. Um… okay? Something tells me we’ll be seeing Esther at least again, but I’m really not sure what just happened or why.

Rebekah gets the all clear and lets Elena go — but not before spilling the beans about Abby and warning her her that she will enjoy taking her time making Elena suffer. Oh, good. Something to look forward to.

Back at the mansion, Stefan and Damon confirm Elena’s home safe, then chit chat about the fact that Stefan was actually the one who lost the coin toss. Intrigue! Damon bit the bullet because earlier in the episode he noticed that Stefan is off human blood again and longing to be boring old good Stefan again. (BOOOOO!) Stefan confesses he hasn’t had a drop since the bridge incident with Elena, but still thinks it’s too late for him to go back to his old life and… boo-fucking-hoo, Stefan. God. Maybe people who fall the wagon and go on murder sprees every couple decades or so shouldn’t be able to go back to their happy lives after.

ANYWAY. Stefan tells Damon that he knows he still loves Elena. Um, was that in question? He was confessing his love to her less than 24 hours ago, Stefan! Damon freely admits it, but says that he thought he could win her from Stefan “fair and square” except she didn’t want him. OH, BOO-FUCKING-HOO, DAMON. Sorry, I am just out of sympathy for these two right now.

(Like, maybe she would have fallen for you in the first place if you hadn’t come to town murdering people left and right and raping her friend with mind control for weeks on end, Damon. And maybe the person you should be feeling sorry for right now isn’t yourself, because your not-girlfriend will never love you after you killed her best friend’s mother, but… your not-girlfriend. And her best friend. And her mother. Who you killed. Maybe — just maybe — the real reason you couldn’t “win” Elena is that you’re still the kind of person who doesn’t spare a thought for anyone’s pain but your own. </rant>)

Elena, at least, has her priorities straight. But when she tries to go to Bonnie, Caroline stops her from coming in the house. Abby’s in transition, and Bonnie — who’s lost an awful lot lately to keep Elena safe — doesn’t want to see her. Awww… poor Bonnie. Poor Elena. But mostly: poor Bonnie.

Okay, moving on: Elena comes home to find a mystery note on her bed. Ooh, it’s from Elijah! He regrets his actions, and hopes she’ll never lose her compassion. Oh, Elijah! You’re still my very favorite.

Meanwhile, the man himself is preparing to leave town, but not before telling Rebekah that their mother is gone — and  that she was right to try and kill them all. Rebekah thinks they deserve to live because they’re better than the humans, but Elijah thinks they chose to make themselves monsters. Poor Elijah. He needs a hug.

Rebekah finds Klaus burning all his drawings of Caroline. Uh-oh. Apparently Kol has already gone (good riddance!) and he expects Rebekah to soon follow. But she has other news: the cave paintings showed the natives worshiping at the white oak tree that has the power to kill them all — alongside a calendar showing it was after they burned the original down. Wow, that’s some conveniently specific cave art!

Rebekah’s also realized that after a thousand years, Klaus is the only member of her family who’s never left her. (Well, okay, except for that time he left her in a dagger coma for 80 years, but who’s counting?) Looks like these two are sticking around for a while.

Finally, we check in with Alaric, who’s staying on the couch at Dr. Psycho’s house due to the concussion and cracked ribs Klaus gave him earlier. He wakes up sometime in the middle of the night to find Meredith asleep in her bed (like, really? You couldn’t give your patient the actual bed, Doctor?) and wanders into the kitchen, where he stumbles upon… evidence pertaining to all the council member attacks, including the dagger used to stab Alaric. DUN!

For, yes! Dr. Psycho (apparently) really is a psycho! And she’s awake, and she has a gun… and she totally just shot at Alaric.  Oh, goddamnit. Seriously, show? Stop killing Alaric! Not cool!

(Also not cool? This is probably the only time I’ve gotten this recap in early, and the show’s on hiatus for a month. Next month — flashbacks! Old-timey lady vampires! Damon sex! Can’t wait.)

We open with Matt and Elena in the hospital, updating us on Alaric and Bonnie, aka Sir and Miss “Not Appearing In This Episode”: Alaric is still healing and Bonnie and her mom are safe. (Elena and Matt, on the other hand, are being watched from behind some blinds and it is creepy.)

Caroline is also doing okay, despite her Dad’s death, but there still isn’t any movement on the case to find his killer. Elena asks Matt how he’s handling everything, which is nice since there really isn’t anyone around to take care of poor woobie Matt. He says that he counts himself lucky that he doesn’t really have to worry about any of this supernatural stuff. Oh, Matt. How I love thee and your sweetness.

Elena says goodnight and gets into her car. But as she’s backing up, her car hits something, and she jumps out to find… no one. But uh-oh, it’s actually Rebekah! She jumps Elena, reminding her that the dagger in her back was kind of painful. Suddenly, Elijah arrives and tells Rebekah to back the eff off. Rebekah pouts, but leaves. Elijah takes this opportunity to bond with Elena.

Cut to the next day, where Elena is giving Damon and Stefan all the gossip from Elijah: namely, that Esther was in the coffin and that she wants to make amends with everyone. Damon and Stefan both seem less than thrilled with the information, despite the fact that Elijah assured Elena that the Original Family would not hurt any of them.

The doorbell rings and there is an envelope addressed to Elena on the doorstep. It’s an invitation to the Mikaelson Family’s ball that night! It doesn’t seem very proper that they didn’t give any notice to their guests. Do they just expect them to drop everything and attend? Sheesh. Esther has written a note on the back of the invite, informing Elena that she wants to meet her.

Back at chez Mikaelson, Kol is getting fitted for their party while Rebekah snarks at him. Seems like this family gets along swimmingly, doesn’t it? Klaus stomps in yelling at Rebekah for threatening his precious doppleganger, and he and Kol get into a pissing contest until Esther interrupts. She reminds him that he needs to give his family a break since he did dagger them all. Fair point. Klaus doesn’t understand how she can forgive what he did to her, but Esther tells him that she has dreamed for a thousand years of reuniting their family.

She then asks Klaus who he is bringing to the ball, and he claims there’s no one to ask. His reaction to her is sweet and almost… endearing? Is that possible? I’m so confused about feeling anything besides annoyance for Klaus. This is weird.

Meanwhile, Elena wants to go to the ball, but Damon thinks it is a bad idea. Stefan says he doesn’t care, but he demonstrates the most obnoxious “not caring” I have ever seen. Stop with the moping ,you ass hat! You chose to pull away from Elena even when you weren’t being compelled anymore. You killed Andi before you even were compelled! You have no legs to stand on here!

Ahem. I apologize. I can not let this go. ANYWAY, Damon declares that he will go to the ball to see what the hell Esther wants. Elena and Stefan clearly are not thrilled with this.

Tyler has called Caroline and left her a message to say he’s sorry about her Dad. He can’t even speak to her in person? Jeez. I think your kinda ex/kinda-current girlfriend deserves at least a live sympathy phone call when her Dad dies. Just freaking call back! Caroline seems glad to at least get the message, but I will be pissed enough for the both of us.

She too gets a mysterious doorbell ring and fancy-ass ball invitation. But there’s also a pretty, pretty dress! One catch. — it’s from Klaus. Caroline responds appropriately to this particular gesture — in my opinion — with a sigh and an eye roll.

Later, she and Elena are at The Only Restaurant In Town, discussing the ball. Elena tries to convince Caroline to go with her. as vampire muscle, but Caroline thinks that she should go with Stefan instead. Okay, I get why Caroline would still prefer Stefan to Damon since he pretty much date raped her for months — a fact I like to try to forget, but which did happen — and she completely deserves to hate both his guts and all other parts of him for the rest of eternity. But does that really mean Stefan is a good option, especially considering he practically drove Elena off a bridge recently? I know he and Car0line were friends before, but she does get that he has gone kind of nuts since then, right?

ANYWAY. Caroline admits that Bonnie told her about Elena and Damon kissing, and feels hurt because Elena used to tell her everything. It’s nice to see them reconnect a bit. The issue is decided when Rebekah shows up to invite Matt to the ball right in front of them. Caroline decides that in light of this fact, she has to go. Heh.

It’s Ball time! The Mikaelson’s have a fuck ton of people at their house. I wonder how many of them are compelled? They say they want to be peaceful, but I can’t see any other reason they would be able to get that many people there in one day. Damon snarks at Mayor Lockwood for befriending the originals, but she claims she is doing what’s best for her town. Kol shows up and snubs Damon. Boy, isn’t he charming?

But Damon’s slight annoyance from this encounter melts away as he sees Elena arrive. Oh. My. God. The look in his eyes is amazing. I think I literally swooned at that moment. So. Hot.

Stefan approaches Elena from the left. Damon joins them and reminds Elena she isn’t supposed to be there, but Elena  stands her ground: she isn’t leaving until she finds out what Esther wants. So she locks arms with both Stefan and Damon and we are given a visual representation of the main conflict of the show. How fitting:

Caroline arrives wearing both of Klaus’ gifts, having founf her own closet frustrating lacking in ballgowns. Klaus looks pleased to see her in his dress, but she brushes him off to go find some booze. Heh.

Finn — sadly having procured himself a more modern haircut — introduces himself to Elena and tells her that if she wants to see Esther, she needs to be alone. They’re interrupted by Elijah welcoming everyone to the par-tay. He announces that they will be having a traditional waltz in the ballroom to kick off the evening. Damon and Elena hotly squabble over whether or not she can put herself in danger. Damon is being pushy and verging on controlling, but Elena gives him a disapproving look that seems to shut down the argument. So instead he asks her to dance. Occasionally I feel like this show is inside my head, playing out my favorite tropes. I know, I know. I have problems.

Anyway, this time they seem to somehow know that I am obsessed with the BBC Miniseries of “Pride and Prejudice.” Okay, yes, I have a vagina, so that is a safe bet. But still, Damon telling her she is beautiful and looking at her intensely while dancing to sweet, wistful music is killing me. [Anyone else but me bothered by the fact they were dancing their traditional waltz to some modern pop song? No? Just me? -- Tenillypo] Okay, so I suppose I should be asking how every person in this scene seems to be flawlessly dancing a choreographed dance, but whatever. Instead I will wonder at how it is possible that I find Klaus a bit charming with Caroline. Is there any one that this actress can’t make likeable? (Can we throw Caroline at Stefan for a bit so that I don’t want to punch him in the nads for half an episode?)

Klaus tells Caroline that she dances well and she mentions that she is Miss Mystic Falls. Oh yeah. I forgot about that. He then says “I know” in this sweet, soft tone that makes it clear that he thinks about her… and am I actually kind of swooning about Klaus now? Is this swooning contagious? Did someone slip some 1997 in my drink because I am feeling like a teenage girl right now. [ME TOO. IT'S WEIRD. - Tenillypo]

They change partners, as you do in a Victorian style dance (aren’t they supposed to be Vikings? Oh hell, whatever. They are old and like ALL old stuff) and Elena is thrown into Stefan’s arms. There is clearly tension between them and I just can’t understand why she wouldn’t be smacking the hell out of his face right now. Stefan tells Elena that he isn’t worried about her because  he knows she can take care of herself. I think there is a little rewriting of history here, because I seem to recall Stefan running all around to try to protect Elena in past seasons. Elena’s reaction to this is to want to talk to Stefan in private.

Caroline  dances with Matt  and yells at him for going to the dance with Rebekah. He admits that he really didn’t think he could say no, and wants to know what the hell she was doing with with Klaus, anyway. Touché, dear Matt. Touché. Meanwhile, Damon and Rebekah are dancing and flirting a little, and it’s clear that Rebekah is kind of jealous of Caroline with Matt. As the dance ends, Kol taunts her about her attachment to a mortal, and she assures him that her reason for bringing Matt to the party is to kill him to hurt Elena. Really, Rebekah? I sometimes like you. Don’t screw it up. Kol is happy to help with this. Man, that little pissant is already getting on my nerves.

Elena has craftily found a way to see Esther alone: Stefan wants to kill Klaus more than anything else, so he will help Elena get to her. Turns out, this means snapping Damon’s neck. Dun! The way is finally clear, but Elijah catches Elena en route and asks her to tell him what Esther says, because he isn’t sure what his mother is up to. Elena agrees to share the dirt with him.

Elena finds Finn and Esther upstairs doing some magicky type stuff. The purpose of which is to keep the others from hearing what they say. The first thing Elena wants to know is how Esther is still alive. Turns out the witch Iyana preserved her body and she was brought back from the other side. (Duh.) Esther says she wants to undo what she did in creating her children, but she needs Elena’s help.

Esther tells Elena that she tried to protect her family, but quickly they started attacking people. Elena doesn’t understand how Esther will kill Klaus. She said she needs the doppleganger blood to bind all her children together. Once they all drink at the evening toast, the spell will be cast.  She explains that after being linked, if one dies, they all will die. She thinks it is her duty to make this happen. Elena agrees to help.

Outside: Klaus comes upon Caroline looking at the horses. (They have horses? Oh, of course they do.) She finally asks him straight out why he invited her and he answers simply that he likes her. Caroline tells him that she is kind of still involved with Tyler, but Klaus interprets that as her being free. Elsewhere in the party, Kol is ready to get his kill on… and it’s clear that he is going to be getting on my nerves as long as he is around. Damn.

Damon wakes up, sees Elena gone, and has a fit. Stefan calls him a controlling dick and that may be the first thing I have agreed with Stefan on in a long time. But I’m still Team Damon. If “Evil, I Don’t Give  a Fuck” Stefan comes back, I may consider switching allegiances, but I don’t think that is going to happen.  Stefan says that this time it’s Damon‘s emotions that are getting in the way. See what they did thar?

Matt and Rebekah go for a walk. Matt is his usual super sweet self and gives Rebekah his coat. This gesture helps her realize what a huge ass she is being and she backs out of her plan with Kol. Chivarly! It saves lives! But ruh-roh… Kol is pouting because Rebekah changed her mind about killing Matt. He is clearly going to continue making me want to pinch his little head like a zit.

Elijah approaches Elena to find out the deal with Esther. Poor Elena lies through her teeth and tells him that it’s true that Esther just wants to forgive her family. They all toast and each of the original children takes a drink. DUN!

Klaus takes Caroline to see some stolen artwork, including a few sketches he drew himself. He talks about traveling and Caroline admits that she has never been anywhere. He says he wants to take her and there is a part of me that actually wants her to go with him. What am I saying? This show makes me desire crazy things.

Caroline has a different idea and instead jabs him about controlling his hybrids to do what he wants. She asks for him to give Tyler his freedom. Klaus can’t seem to deal with this finger pointing so he asks Caroline to leave.  But she realizes she’s onto something and accuses him of compelling people to be with him because he doesn’t believe people will love him any other way. (Awww, that is sad. And douchey. But mostly sad.) She pretty much says she can’t be bought and that he doesn’t have  real relationships with people because he doesn’t try.

Damon finally finds Elena and grabs her to leave. Damon, why do you have to do such things? She apologizes for cutting him out of the plan, and he tells her that she shouldn’t have put herself in danger. She (rightly) points out that if she had told him her plan, he would have tried to save her and ruined everything. Damon and Elena escalate to the point where Damon admits that he is angry because he loves her. Oh jeez. There’s my kryptonite. Elena snaps back that maybe that’s the problem. Her words clearly stab Damon in the heart. She tries to take it back, but it’s too late.

Poor Matt is cornered by obnoxious Kol alone outside. He grabs a hold of his hand and crushes it. Not Matt! What the hell? How does he not just say, “Fuck this shit,” and leave this town screaming? He deserves to live in a place with puppies and flowers and a beautiful woman kissing his pain away forever. (Okay, so maybe that’s another button for me.) ANYWAY! Damon — fresh off his angst with Elena — is ready to kick some original ass and throws Kol off the balcony. Stefan comes to scold him, and Damon gives his “I’m acting out” look. At least he isn’t killing innocent ladies this time. That’s progress, right? (Yeah, I know. I am a Damon apologist.)

At home, Caroline calls Tyler to tell him that she misses him and wishes he were there… and then finds the umpteenth gift from Klaus in her bedroom. Okay, clearly he doesn’t realize that leaving a gift mysteriously on a lady’s bed is extremely creepy. Despite this, the gift is a sweet thank you on a drawing of Caroline and a horse. That is actually very sweet. What is happening here!?! Am I rooting for Klaus?

Esther complains about Kol and Rebekah’s behavior. Elijah says he will handle them and it’s clear that Esther cares deeply for him. Man, that sucks. Poor Elijah. Finn comes back and it looks like he is aware of his mother’s plan and prepared to die to kill his siblings. (So he’s the super good one? Guess we know why Klaus daggered him for 900 years.) Esther finishes casting the spell; now they are all linked. This is a perplexing development.

Stefan takes Elena home. He tells her that he said something he didn’t mean. Oh, so I guess you do actually care? Elena asks him how he can act like he doesn’t care when she cares so much. He claims it hurts too much to feel. Oh waaah, Stefan. Okay, I might be able to buy this love triangle a little more if it didn’t seem like Elena was begging Stefan to care for her after he had treated her like complete crap. Does one of the Salvatore men always have to be acting like a selfish jerk?

Rebekah tries to talk to poor Matt with his crushed hand and no health insurance, but he has clearly had enough of this shit and says he just wants to be left alone. Fortunately, Damon shows up right on time for him and Rebekah to do some self destructing together. And it is HOT. Seriously, this is the kind of acting out I can get behind. Let’s stick with this instead of the lady abuse, okay?

Next episode: The originals strike back!

1) Rumor has it that as of this writing, we have seen the last episode with Garin Wolf and Shelly Altman as head writers.  Expect another gleeful post this evening if Ron Carlivati’s name pops up in the credits today.
2) Even with the aforementioned duo at the helm, the show still managed to pull of a holiday episode where no one was shot or raped! (Readers, I was flabergasted.)
3) And Grandma Anna’s back!

Taking that last first: yay, Anna! Even if I know she’s back for a story I’m going to hate, it’s still nice to see Finola Hughes’ delightful, toothy face hugging Robin. I didn’t even grit my teeth too hard at the recurring “Anna doesn’t want to be a grandma” joke this time! (Mostly because they managed to tone down the “Grandmothers = Old Women = DISGUSTING” implications. Yay, restraint?)

It also doesn’t hurt that she and NuEmma (who still cannot stop smiling during all her scenes) are totes adorable together:

And aside from Anna, the rest of the Valentine’s Day show featured some actual, old school romance from a couple who seem to enjoy one another’s company:

(I actually like Lulu working at the PCPD? I mean, it would be nice if she had loftier ambitions than filing, but at least there’s a chance for more organic involvement with a variety of stories now. And I like it when characters have jobs we actually see them going to.)

Then yesterday, after a predictably shrill insta-reaction of Carly blaming Sam for Jason’s latest brain problems (like, I’m so sure that if it was possible for anyone cause Jason’s brain to explode, it would be Sam and not you, Carly), we got Carly and Sam apologizing to each other and generally acting like human beings. Meanwhile Jason and Robin had another history-respecting conversation that might have made me tear up a bit:

So that was nice. (Of course, because this is still General Hospital, we also had Jason and Sam settling in for a romantic viewing of a gift from her maybe-rapist. But you can’t have everything, I suppose.)

And then there was this:

SONNY: I called you this morning. I couldn’t get through. But I’m sure you have an explanation.
ME: Sure. It’s GO FUCK YOURSELF.

You know what I hate? I hate when this show forces me to get defensive on behalf of a character who is awful. And Kate? Kate is  awful. But this whole thing where she’s lying to Sonny about things that are none of his business anyway and somehow that’s supposed to make it not incredibly creepy that he’s basically having his goons stalk her, breaking into her office to sit waiting for her in the dark, and expecting her to account for her whereabouts to him at every single second? THAT IS NOT OKAY.

Guess what, Sonny? Sometimes people don’t answer their phones. It’s called: they’re in the shower, or in the middle of something important, or they just don’t want to talk to you right then. Gee, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to avoid Sonny, what with the complete disregard for what anyone else wants (Dante), constant paranoid accusations (Kate), and veiled murder threats (Jax). What a charmer, that man.

But Sonny’s latest abusive boyfriend schtick was but a blip on the rage-ometer compared to Maxie’s epic attempt to justify her heinousness yesterday. Let’s take a look, shall we?

MAXIE: Here’s the difference. Yes, it may have been pathetic and deluded for me to pretend I was engaged to a guy when I wasn’t. But it wasn’t illegal. Stealing drugs is, especially considering the fact that Elizabeth is a nurse! It’s abusing her power at the hospital!
MATT: Oh! Do you even know–do you even realize how hypocritical you sound right now? Are you listening to yourself when you talk?
MAXIE: You got that right, Matt. I am a hypocrite. I probably have done things that are just as bad as Elizabeth–
MATT: Probably? Probably?!
MAXIE: –but the difference is I don’t stand up on a pedestal. I don’t climb up there and put a halo on and decide to look down at everybody else and decide that I’m better than them the way Elizabeth does.

What was that–I can’t even… WHYYYYYYYYY? Like, that whole scene almost deserved a slow clap of appreciation for sheer, jaw-dropping gall.

First, as Monica pointed out yesterday, the fact that Maxie has the balls to act indignant over someone at the hospital “abusing their power” to steal drugs for Lucky in order to “sink her claws into him” is amazing. Second, you know what else is illegal, Maxie? CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT MURDER. I mean, my god.

(Poor Matt doesn’t even know about that last one and even he was rendered practically speechless by her chutzpah here.)

Third: I have been hearing the same “Elizabeth is worse than everyone because she pulls the same crap and then acts like she’s perfect” refrain from Liz haters for years. And I Just. Do not. Get it. When has she ever pretended to be perfect? The woman castigates herself over her mistakes all the time! She worries that she’s a bad mother and horrible person, and she frequently miserable over her own stupidity! If other characters have occasionally granted her a halo she didn’t earn, that’s not her fault, and the show has certainly more than made up for it with gleeful scenes of public shaming for her various crimes. Elizabeth is constantly and viciously being called out for her shit.

But Maxie and Carly — who both pretty much decided one day that Liz was their enemy solely because she had a relationship with a man they wanted — have always been desperate to convince themselves that deep down, she really is just like them. But the truth is… she really isn’t. That’s not a value judgment. It’s just a fact: Carly and Maxie as both trouble-making bad girls. Elizabeth? She’s a people pleaser. Her problem isn’t that low self-esteem drives her to seek constant validation that she’s the center of every man’s universe; it’s that she subsumes her own desires beneath what she thinks other people want and expect from her — until those desires finally explode in usually self-destructive ways. Liz rarely schemes so much as falls into terrible decisions and then exacerbates them with months of lies.

All of which is an extremely long winded way for me to make the point: BULLSHIT, MAXIE. And further — self-awareness is all well and good, but there’s nothing noble to be admired about acknowledging your own hypocrisy while making zero effort to do anything about it.

(I don’t like hating Maxie this much, guys. Hold me?)

(Also, apparently, people are being mean to poor Jen Lilley? Don’t be mean to Jen Lilley, people. That’s not cool. I may hate Maxie right now, but that’s not Lilley’s fault, and neither are Kirsten Storms’ health problems. She has to play what she’s given.)

Also, a character on this show remembered a thing that happened in the past! Accurately!

MAXIE: Lucky was moving on, and she was desperate to keep him!
MONICA: You know, I remember several years ago, where Lucky was involved with some drugs missing from here. It was never resolved but he did admit that he coerced someone into getting those meds for him. I also remember that you were dating Lucky at the time and you were also volunteering here at the hos–
MAXIE: That was totally different!

Thank you, continuity fairy! Please visit again!

(I love, by the way, that Maxie is ascribing her own motivations for stealing drugs for Lucky onto Elizabeth, who was actually only stealing meds to save him from an overdose.)

(And by “love” I mean WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MAXIE, Y’ALL? Between this and her whole “straight up getting a woman murdered and not feeling bad about it for a single solitary second” thing, I am really starting to wonder if the writers have surgically removed this character’s soul. BRING BACK MAXIE’S SOUL, WRITERS.)

Anyway, Matt and Liz! So adorable! I’d still like them to make out, stat. But I kind of also enjoy them as platonic, bickering friends? And Ewen wasn’t quite a creepy and gross today as he has been before. Granted, that’s a low bar.

Whatever, his goatee is stupid and I still hope he’s a serial killer.

Speaking of creepy: oh, Olivia. I can’t tell if you’re being a good friend or a really terrible one:

OLIVIA: You seem to have this notion that you can be with Sonny and still have things your own way.

Right, because it’s absurd to think you can be in a relationship with a man and still be allowed to make your own decisions about who to talk to and how to run your personal business!

The question: is Olivia intentionally painting a picture of an abusive relationship here as a warning to Kate that she should break up with Sonny, or is she truly just chastising her for believing she could date him and be independent? I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt, but then she also said this…

OLIVIA: In the form of Jasper Jacks? A man who chased Sonny out of town trying to kill him? [Ed. note: I'm just going to assume that was a line flub, because... what?]
KATE: That’s all over now.
OLIVIA: Oh, no. It’s not. Honey, you know Sonny doesn’t give up on stuff. Oh, God. You haven’t even told Sonny you saw Jax, have you?
KATE: I haven’t had the time.
OLIVIA: Because you know how he’s going to react! He’s going to think you betrayed him with Jax just like Brenda did.

… so I’m going to err on the side of “creepy.”

Like, I can appreciate that Sonny believes Brenda “betrayed” him by (by daring to accept a ride from another man on her way out of town, let’s remember — my God, what a lying whore!) because Sonny basically has the emotional reasoning skills of a brain damaged toddler at this point, and expecting logic or an acknowledgment of reality from him is an exercise in futility. But I really, really wish that other characters wouldn’t validate his crazy like this.

And yet, here’s Carly, lining up on the betrayal train:

CARLY: Wow, you’re a little nervous, aren’t you, Kate? Maybe that’s because you realize however Sonny finds out the truth, he’ll know that you betrayed him.

I just… really? It’s not like I’m a huge fan of Kate right now, because ever since the recast, she has been pretty much the worst. But it bothers me that I can’t tell if the show seriously wants us to believe that the mere act of speaking to Jax is now a horrendous betrayal of Sonny or not. And I am getting really sick and tired of hearing everyone and their mother act like Brenda had an orgy with Jax in her marriage bed or something rather than simply… spending a few hours with him on a jet as she was already leaving Sonny for completely legitimate and unrelated reasons.

All that aside, I don’t completely hate the idea of Kate and Carly running a hotel together. Take the whole Jax/Sonny issue out of the equation and you have a classically soapy opportunity for business shenanigans and cautious frenemy-ship between two women who don’t really get to interact well with other women very often. All of which this show could really use. (Maybe Carlivati can make this not suck so much? Oh please, oh please, oh please!)

Ditto for Molly and TJ, who are working another soap classic: the good old, opposites attract, “smart, sheltered girl/rebel boy from the wrong side of the tracks” young love.

So far, this has all been pretty predictable and tepid. And they suffer from one half of the duo being Molly, who I often want to punch in the face. But the actor playing TJ seems to have some promise? And this dynamic is a classic for a reason. So despite some repeated cringe-worthy racial moments — like making one of only three black characters on this show an angry, illiterate wannabe mob thug who’s involved with a white girl going by “Desdemona” (like, really show? REALLY?) — I’m willing to give it some time and see how it plays out.

But here’s what I don’t get. What is it with this show wasting perfectly good, historically significant names of on completely unrelated newbies? (*CoughCooperBarretCough*) We already have a young, black legacy character of about the right age named TJ who could have been brought back. I’m not sure how it would really make sense for this TJ to be TJ Hardy — maybe if the “father” Shawn killed was a step-father Simone hooked up with after leaving town? But if the writers were truly unaware of the implications of giving him that name, it’s seems a little on the nose to have also named him “Ashford,” aka the name of the last actor to play Tom Hardy Sr., you know? It’s… puzzling.

]]> http://despairintheafternoon.wordpress.com/2012/02/14/another-day-another-mixed-bag/feed/ 16 tenillypo Maxie Monica despair-divider despair-divider Molly and TJ http://despairintheafternoon.wordpress.com/2012/02/09/gimme-some-vd-bringing-out-the-dead/ http://despairintheafternoon.wordpress.com/2012/02/09/gimme-some-vd-bringing-out-the-dead/#comments Thu, 09 Feb 2012 20:33:44 +0000 tenillypo http://despairintheafternoon.wordpress.com/?p=7969 ]]> Previously on Vampire Diaries: ELIIIIIIJAAAAAAAAAAH! (What? Did something else happen?)

We open exactly where the last episode ended: Elijah’s awake and mad as hell. (By the way, I feel I should warn you guys that I totally love Elijah beyond all reason. Um, sorry? But look at his prissy little face! I just want to smoosh it and draw little hearts around it forever!)

Klaus looks nervous. AS HE SHOULD. They tussle a bit, in the process finally revealing the names of the final two originals: baby-faced Kol, who’s been daggered for over a century, and Finn, daggered for over 900 years. Jeez. Wonder what he did to piss in Klaus’ Cheerios?

Anyway, Klaus talks his brother down by dropping the bomb that Mikael’s dead. And he claims that the only reason the rest of the family is still all daggered is that he needs the mystery coffin back from Stefan first. (Having seen the end of this episode, I… still don’t get why? But maybe it will be explained tonight.) The upshot is that Klaus wants Elijah’s help to destroy Stefan. Elijah looks thoughtful. DUN!

Chez Gilbert: a hungover Alaric apologizes again for bringing his booty call home last night. Elena is kind of adorably enthusiastic about his love life prospects with Dr. Fell — even after Sheriff Forbes comes over to share the news that someone is apparently trying to frame Elena for Douchy McDead Medical Examiner’s death, and the good doctor is still the prime suspect on Damon’s jealous little mind. Seems the examiner was killed with one of the family’s stakes and Elena’s fingerprints are the only ones on it. Intrigue!

Damon, by the way, is on his way to meet up with his (and my!) favorite original so they can plot against Klaus. Or so he hopes. At least Damon’s got the fact that he was the one who undaggered  my boy working in his favor. Elijah, as always, remains enigmatic about his loyalties.

Meanwhile, Stefan is taking Bonnie and her mom down to the mystery coffin, which has now been hidden near the cave paintings. He’s fairly bitchy about Bonnie having given up the other coffins in order to save all their lives last week and god. Shut up, Stefan! I liked you when you were more evil. But now you’re just semi-evil and annoyingly self-righteous.

Case in point: Elena shows up to ask if he was the one who killed the medical examiner and Stefan actually has the nerve to act all offended, like how could she possibly suspect him of something so heinous? OH, I DON’T KNOW, STEFAN. Why don’t you ask Awesome Andie why anyone might think you’re capable of cold blooded murder these days? Ass.

Caroline’s at the hospital to see her dad and meets Dr. Meredith instead, who tells her that Daddy Dearest was not happy about being saved with vampire blood, and has already checked himself out. Except… Caroline can hear his phone ringing somewhere close by when she tries to call him. When she follows the sound, she finds him stabbed to death in a supply closet. Whoah! I was not expecting that.

Fortunately (or not, as it turns out), Damon’s blood was still in his system, so now he’s transitioning into a vampire. The only problem? He has no intention of completing the transition. Caroline is distressed.

Like cute little vampire matchmakers, Damon and Elijah have scheduled a fake sit down between Klaus and Stefan to buy some time for the witches to open the coffin. (They’re all awfully confident that there’s some game-changing weapon inside, aren’t they? I mean, what if it was just filled with Klaus’ antique porn collection or something?)

Stefan continues to be an enormous dick about everything, because he still seems to be under the impression that he has any sort of right to feel betrayed over Damon and Elena’s kiss. Get over it, sulky! You don’t get to treat everyone like shit for months and then act like you’re the wounded party.

Alaric confirms that the dagger used to stab Mr. Forbes is from his collection, which Meredith saw the other night when she was over for the booty call. The plot thickens! He’s going to try to get some answers while Elena heads over to comfort Caroline, who’s just having the Worst. Year. Ever. She’s been trying to reach Tyler with no luck (because he’s off conquering the sire bond, I hope?) and worries that he might have killed her father under orders from Klaus. Elena doesn’t think so, though, and talks Caroline down from forcing her father to drink some blood to save his live. They have a sweet and sad talk about what it’s like to lose a father.

Most awkward dinner party ever: the Salvatore and Mikaelson brothers sit down for several courses of bitchiness and flirtation. (What? You all saw that wink Damon threw Elijah, right? You know he would totally hit that.) Stefan tries to trip Klaus up with the reveal that he killed his and Elijah’s mother, but apparently, Klaus has already come clean with Elijah.

Awkwardly, however, he neglected to fill him in on more recent happenings, so Elijah puts his foot in his mouth about Elena and Stefan’s epic break up. Oops! This launches him and Klaus into a story about the very first of the Petrova dopplegangers: Tatia Petrova, with whom they were both in love. Interesting! There have been hints of this before, but this is the first time it’s been spelled out: Tatia already had a child by another man, who was presumably the one to continue on the line that would eventually lead the Katherine, Isobel, and Elena. After Klaus and Elijah fought over her, their mother “took her” and used her blood in the spell that turned them all into vampires.

So… it’s kind of implied that Esther killed Tatia, but how much do you want to bet she turns up at some point? (At least in flashback? Pretty please? I really want to see Nina Dobrev in Viking garb!)

Anyway, the moral of the whole story is that the boys have put it behind them and realized family needs to come before all else. Bros before hos, Salvatores!

Back at the caves, Bonnie and her mother figure out that the spell to open the coffin requires two generations of witches, which is why the witch dreams led Bonnie to go find her. But Abby’s magic is still not working. She thinks the spirits are still angry at her for abandoning Bonnie, but Bonnie realizes it’s Abby whose guilt is getting in the way. After a heart-to-heart, they try again and it seems to be working.

Cute!Matt walks Elena home after showing up at Caroline’s like the sweetie he is. Creepily, the lights are all out at the Gilbert homestead. Even creepier? There’s a trail of blood leading upstairs, where they find Alaric bleeding to death. (I won’t lie: I was legit scared they were offing him at this point in the episode and might have made some embarrassingly distressed noises in protest.) Alaric weakly begs Elena to kill him; she realizes that he’s wearing his ring, which means if he’s killed by something supernatural — like a doppleganger — he’ll be healed.

… so she stabs him in the heart with a kitchen knife. Daaaaaaamn. At this rate, the Gilberts aren’t going to have any cooking knives left that haven’t been used to murder someone. Cute!Matt is so over all this supernatural bullshit, by the way.

Klaus and Damon finally sit down to talk terms. Team Salvatore’s opening offer: they give the mystery coffin back in exchange for the entire original family leaving town forever. Elijah thinks it’s fair, but Klaus makes it clear that there’s no way he’s leaving without Elena, his walking hybrid factory. He then proceeds to lay a little harsh truth on the Salvatores: Elena would be better off without either of them in her life. (Yeah… true.) His counter-offer? Ensuring Elena’s happiness and safety for the rest of her natural life, including a human husband and children to carry on the Petrova line.

When Stefan rejects that deal (which actually seems kind of reasonable?) the fun and games are over and the fangs come out. Klaus breaks several of his bones and holds his hand in the fire, ordering Damon to go get the coffin now or he’ll kill Stefan. Good! Let him burn!

But, no, of course Damon won’t. Klaus sends Elijah off to make sure Damon does as commanded, promising to reunite him with their family for really reals when he gets back.

Aaaaand… now we’re at the part of the episode where Caroline breaks my freaking heart. Her father’s growing weaker, but  still refuses blood; he doesn’t believe people are meant to cheat death. When she breaks down, asking why he hates who she is, he finally tells her what he should have said when he first came back: he loves her and she’s strong and good and everything he hoped she would be. She breaks down, crying and begging him not to leave her. Liz and I sniffle, watching. Poor Caroline!

House of brotherly love and betrayal: Stefan and Klaus are surprised by Elijah’s early return, sans coffin. It seems than instead of following orders, he went ahead and de-daggered his siblings, no longer trusting Klaus’ “vulgar” promises. Yay, Elijah! We meet Kol and Finn, both generically attractive and pissed as hell. And hey, here comes Rebekah, finally getting to give Klaus the stabbing he deserves! Stefan and Damon make their exit as the Mikaelson family closes in for a bloody reunion.

Out in the woods, Stefan and Damon have what passes for a heart-to-heart for them on the way back to the caves to check on Bonnie and Abby. Stefan almost — kind of — thanks Damon for saving his life back there, and for being right about waking up Elijah. Damon pretends he only did it for Elena, but who is he kidding, really?

Then Stefan confesses that he’s in love with Elena again. (So does that mean his emotions are all the way back on now? So confused.) Damon says her loves her too. They both seem to have reached some acceptance about that fact? Anyway, onto the caves, where they find the coffin open and both witches out cold. DUN!

Back at the house, Cute!Matt waits with Elena for Alaric to wake up, which he finally does just after Sheriff Forbes calls with good news/bad news: Dr. Meredith has an airtight alibi for Alaric’s attack. So maybe his taste in women isn’t totally tragic after all… but now they have three attacks on council members and no suspects. Oh, and Caroline’s father has died. Sad!

Mikaelson family reunion: Klaus claims that he built his new mansion for all of them to live together as a family, never having to be alone again. Funnily enough, none of them are too keen on that idea.  His siblings are going to leave him instead, and Rebekah promises to kill Elena on her way out of town so he’ll have no more hybrids to keep him company. Klaus loses it, screaming about how he can’t be killed and he’ll hunt them all down. Elijah’s transparent, vindictive pleasure in sticking it to Klaus does my heart proud, by the way. (He’s so calm and cold! Bless.) He threatens to use the mystery coffin against Klaus — but first, the coffin’s contents find them…

… and it’s Esther! Their not-so-dead mom!

Yeah, I have no idea how this is possible. Wasn’t she supposedly the one directing ghost!Vicki to kill Elena earlier in the season? I thought that meant she was in witch heaven with Grams and the others? WHATEVER. Momma Witch seems like she’s going to go all medieval on Klaus’ ass (literally — her thousand year old peasant garb has held up very well in that coffin!) but she actually wants to forgive him so they can all be a family again. Oh, boy.

Next week: it’s fancy ball time!

First up: Ethan!

ETHAN: I realize I’ve been more than a little judgmental where you and Lucky are concerned. Basically, I’ve been an ass. In total violation of my principles.
ELIZABETH: You have principles?
ETHAN: Yes, I do. Live and let live. So I have no right to comment or even criticize your relationship with Lucky. I am truly sorry.
ELIZABETH: Oh, well I accept your apology. However, most of what you said was valid.
ETHAN: Not the way I said it, though. Look, I wasn’t here for what you and Lucky went through, for most of it. And when I showed up late to the party I just started running my mouth, so…

Wow. Um.. has Ethan been reading the blog? Because that was pretty word for word what I wanted to hear from him. First, he offers to come play fun uncle with Cam, and then he sincerely apologizes for acting like the world’s foremost expert on all things LL2, and then–then! He admits that he hasn’t gotten to know Elizabeth very well and she might actually be more fun than he thought. (Can these two be besties now? I would really like to see more friendships on this show.)

I would also like for Ethan to be involved in anything other than Cassandra. Who is apparently an amnesiac ASSASSIN now, because sure, of course, why not? (What I want to know is: does she kill people by trapping and talking at them in pretentious, dead-eyed monologues until they off themselves out of desperation to escape the droning horror? Whatever, I can’t even deal with the stupidity of that right now. Expect more of a rant later. FREE HELENA!)

Now, if only Ethan could have a similar revelation about his lack of understanding, re: Luke and Laura, we’d be golden.

Speaking of Luke, he and Lulu finally had the confrontation they should have had the second he got back to town:

LUKE: Now I’m back and I’m sober. And I’m concerned about you.
LULU: Why?
LUKE: Because I have been too absent in your life. I don’t know what’s going on with you. And I do love you. [Ed note: *sob*}
LULU: I was so determined to find a way to make you come back home.
LUKE: I just wasn't ready to come back, sweetheart.
LULU: Looking for you became my entire life, and it was more important than the man that I love.
LUKE: [looking gobsmacked] Well, that’s terrible. That should not have happened. I’m–I’m so sorry.
LULU: Once I stopped looking for you, I had to look at myself. And that scares the hell out of me. I don’t know. I think that’s why I started drinking. Because I’m afraid of what I might find.

I mean, sure: in my dream conversation, Lulu would have been a wee bit more upset about being sexually assaulted and pretty much causing a woman’s murder than about taking Dante for granted for a few weeks, but whatever. At least she got an apology. And with any luck this breakthrough will be the last we’ll hear of her sudden one-glass-a-day alcohol “problem.” (Seriously, Olivia? On behalf of single people everywhere who occasionally enjoy a glass of wine by ourselves with lunch: go fuck yourself.)

Of course, then they had to tarnish the goodness a bit with some more nonsense about how Laura became “fragile” due to “a life of instability.” Like, unless that’s code for “repressed memories of childhood trauma surfacing, leading to the accidental death of her estranged step-father” I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR IT, SHOW.

Also, there was this, which made me pause from tearily blowing my nose to yell at the screen:

LULU: I’ve missed you.
LUKE:I missed you too, baby girl.
LULU: You shouldn’t stay away from me because you’re afraid you’re going to hurt me. Because like it or not, you are my dad.
LUKE: Hey, whoever said I didn’t love being your father…
ME: YOU! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SAID THAT! MANY, MANY TIMES!

Anyway. The point is it was mostly a good set of scenes, and Luke was not a complete jackass for the first time in at least a year, and I cried a lot, probably because I have issues. But seriously — if the new writing team can continue along this line and avoid backsliding into “Luke hates his children and Laura was a whiny dishrag who ruined his life” I may just some day be able to look at his face again without wanting to hit it with a hammer.

Maybe. (No promises.)

And then! As if all that non-suckage with the Spencers wasn’t enough, the show made a funny! Like, on purpose and everything!

MATT: Can I just ask you to do me a favor?
ELIZABETH: I am not stepping in with Maxie if you die.

Ahahahaha! I’m sorry, but Rebecca Herbst’s delivery on that was perfect. Even Matt couldn’t keep a straight face. (Have I mentioned that I still want these two to make out quite badly? Oh, you two. JUST MAKE OUT, ALREADY.)

Especially since their alternative make out partners are both so terrible. I mean, if Spixie, Part II: Electric Boogaloo is an inevitable hell into which we will all soon be thrust, is it too much to ask that Matt be with a woman who seems to actually like him? And maybe Elizabeth could have a relationship with someone who doesn’t kill people for a living or won’t abandon her to raise his children while he goes off to commune with magic stones? JUST A THOUGHT.

(Also, I really need Ewen to be the one attacking the dancers. Unfortunately, the show’s now dropped so many anvils pointing to him as the guy that I’m almost certain he’s just a red herring, but come on now. If they try and hook him up with Liz by presenting him as just a non-stripper beating, genuinely nice, misunderstood guy who happens to regularly engage in incredibly inappropriate, uber-controlling behavior with his female patients, and who basically left her on the beach to die of hypothermia, then… I will throw something at my screen and write an angry blog post about it. Consider yourselves warned.)

Meanwhile: elsewhere, Alexis’ “hilarious” hot flashes finally led to someone saying the dreaded “M” word, leading to another actually on purpose funny:

DIANE: Hey, this frees you up to sleep with Sonny again.
ALEXIS: Are you on crack?
DIANE: Even the mighty warriors of Sonny Corinthos could not impregnate you!
ALEXIS: [thoughtful] Yeah, they probably could.
DIANE: [depressed] Actually, they probably could.

Gross! But true! Oh, ladies. When will you realize you should just give up on men completely and sink into the Sapphic bliss you so richly deserve? It’s legal now in New York and everything!

(Side note: I don’t understand the insistence on periodically pushing Mac and Alexis as a couple without ever really going anywhere with it. Dear writers: it’s been years now. Shit or get off the pot. But really, just get off the pot. They have zero chemistry together and Alexis really needs a hot young stud in her bed after this long drought. Or Diane. I’m not picky! Just not Mac.)

So, if those were the only scenes I watched in the last seven days, then I might be tempted to think this show wasn’t still The Worst. But, no: I also tuned into Kate’s big, overwrought confession/tantrum (complete with tears and foot stamping!) of her TERRIBLE SECRET… that she’s been seeing a therapist.

Yeah. That happened.

Of course, she had to keep this shameful secret because no one in the fashion industry needs therapy (like, I am so sure) and if her loyal readers knew, they’d never be able to trust her judgment on which belt to wear again, and blah blah blah. (Just like they’d never be able to take her seriously if they knew she’d grown up as Connie Falconeri… except for how everyone knows that now and it didn’t make a damn bit of difference? This effing, effing show.)

I know that clearly something else — no doubt even stupider — is going on with Kate right now. But I’m kind of hoping she actually is in therapy, because after being shot twice because of Sonny and then pretty much immediately abandoned by him while he married two other women in the space of as many years, the very fact that she’s even considering jumping back into a relationship with him right now points to some serious self-hatred. She might want to look at that, you know?

(She also might want to look at her tacky, tacky roots. Oh, Megan Ward’s world changing perfect hair, wherefore art thou?)

And finally, this just in: Sam’s not pregnant with Franco’s baby after all! (I was shocked, y’all. SHOCKED!) Which Kelly — because she is still terrible — revealed in the most roundabout, insensitive way possible.

But most importantly, what this means is that clearly Sam’s trauma over having been maybe raped and definitely violated by a psychopath is completely over now. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW RAPE WORKS.

I’m actually kind of speechless that this is apparently how they’re going to play this. I mean, it’s not like this show has a stellar record with sexual assault to begin with, but still… “You don’t ever need to think about that night again,” Jason? Really? Because obviously the only traumatic part of being drugged, touched naked and possibly raped by a man you thought was your husband is whether or not the resulting baby is your husband’s. (I’m going to defer to Louise over at Serial Drama here because clearly I need a refresher on how trauma actually works.)

In conclusion: this show is still ass and Ron Carlivati’s material can’t start soon enough. (Next week? Maybe? Cross your fingers!)

We start this episode again in Bonnie’s dream. This time she’s in a cemetery by her grams’ grave, messing around with the mystery coffin. Klaus appears and taunts her about opening it.

And then finds herself locked inside the damned coffin! Ick. Scenes like that always make me feel claustrophobic. She screams and cries until it suddenly opens and a woman is standing over her.

… and it turns out Bonnie is actually telling Elena about her dream so that she can help her. She thinks her dreams are telling her that whatever is in the mysterious coffin can help kill Klaus. Elena is a bit baffled that no one told her about this before. Stefan promptly shows up and chides Bonnie for doing so. Elena (rightly) challenges Stefan, asking him if he is going to kidnap her to keep her from telling anyone. Stefan tells her not to tempt him. Douche. Bonnie tells Stefan that she needs Elena’s help to find the woman in her dream. And who is this mysterious woman?

Bonnie’s mom! Dun!

Elena and Bonnie go through a ton of bios, trying to find the right Abby Bennett. Bonnie talks about how it is strange to look for the woman who abandoned her. Did we know this about Bonnie? I have an awful memory, so I’m not sure. Elena tells Bonnie she could just leave it up to Stefan and his fat mouth to figure out how to open the coffin. Bonnie disagrees. She says the coffin is “spelled” shut so it is a witch problem.

Damon comes swaggering in with info on Abby Bennett Wilson that he obtained from compelling some poor soul. Damon wants to go with them to find Bonnie’s mom, but Elena is obviously uncomfortable and tells him that they don’t need his attitude along for the ride. But his attitude is so charming! Heh. He makes the absolute cutest puppy dog face in response, but she holds firm. Elena, are you made of stone, woman?!?

Bonnie, because she is not a moron, has picked up on the weird vibe. Damon reveals that he and Elena kissed. Elena’s reaction to this seems to be a mixture of shock and shame.

Across town, Tyler goes to Caroline to apologize for biting her. She’s not having it, but he has brought her Dad back to town to help him resist his sire bond. Caroline’s dad also seems to be repentant for his last visit. That’s good. I was all set to get my hate on.

Alaric and Meredith are hanging out at the bar. She’s pretty and all, but I don’t find her interesting yet. Know what would make her more interesting? Murder. When Damon shows up, he fills Alaric in about her douchy dead ex from the end of the last episode, and implies that Meredith could have something to do with it. Aww… I think he just doesn’t want to share his bestest boyfriend.

Stefan comes home to find Klaus hanging out at his place listening to some jarringly hip pop music. (Wouldn’t Klaus be more interested in listening to something more classic? I’m entertained by the thought of him having the same nostalgia for 80′s music as I do and listening to a bit of Hall and Oats “Private Eyes” as his stalker music.)

Stefan is still trying to use Klaus’ family to get him to leave town by threatening them for the umpteenth millionth time. Klaus points out that the crazy act has not made him any friends. Well, except for me, that is.

Road trip! Bonnie tries to get Elena to deconstruct her kiss with Damon in the car ride to distract her from her mixed feelings about seeing her mom. Elena doesn’t want to talk about it and claims it won’t happen again, but Bonnie keeps prying, trying to find out if it was good. Has she seen the way he looks at her? Of course it was good! Elena’s non-answer confirms all our suspicions.

The girl talk is interrupted by a call from Stefan. Elena lies to him about where they are, but Stefan has secretly found the info about Bonnie’s mom and already knows where they are heading.

Klaus calls one of his hybrid buds, who says he could be at his side at a moment’s notice. Instead, Klaus has a different plan. He has sent this random hybrid dude to go see Bonnie’s mom. Uh-oh.

Bonnie and Elena arrive and some guy greets them. He introduces himself as Jamie and seems surprised that Abby’s daughter has arrived. Turns out that Jamie is Abby’s kind of adopted son. Abby comes home and Bonnie is clearly very emotional about this reunion.

Caroline’s dad is chaining Tyler up. Kinky! He says that Tyler needs to turn into a werewolf to break his sire bond, so that he won’t feel grateful to Klaus for making it so that he doesn’t have to turn. I guess the goal is for him to get used to turning so that it is no longer something he wants to avoid? Tyler starts the process and starts screaming, and it is gross.

Bonnie tells Elena that she’s doing okay, but it’s obviously a difficult experience. Abby reveals that she was best friends with Elena’s mom. She tells the girls that 15 years ago Mikael came to Mystic Falls looking for Elena. It turns out Abby was the one who lured him away and put him in the grave where Katherine found him. Interesting! Also, this somehow made her lose her powers. Hearing this story clearly does not help Bonnie feel any better about being abandoned. She is pissed.

Damon goes to see Meredith to stake his claim on Alaric and to try to find out what she knows about her ex’s death.

Meredith gets him into a quiet room and lunges at him with a vervain syringe. Bad ass! Hope she doesn’t hurt his pretty face. :( Meredith starts to take some of Damon’s blood and is startled as he starts to wake up.

Tyler is writhing in pain: a lot, some more. Caroline’s daddy keeps pushing him and finally Tyler asks Caroline to leave. As soon as she does, her father kicks it up a notch by hitting him with an axe. Harsh, dude. Then there is more screaming and groaning and cracking. Gross.

(But also hot? What? DON’T JUDGE ME! – Tenillypo)

Anyway: Tyler freaks the fuck out, breaks his chains, and attacks Caroline’s father. DUN!

Abby tells Bonnie that she didn’t come back to her because she realized she had a chance to start a new non-witchy life. And it turns out she also didn’t know that Bonnie’s grandmother is dead. Sad.

Stefan shows up and starts throwing a grade A temper tantrum of his own. He is mad that Elena didn’t tell him where they were going. Double douche. Evil!Stefan is not as interesting when he is all controlling and threatening. I might just need to take back my bestest, super friends 4eva friendship bracelet from him. Jamie agrees, because he shows up and tells him to cut out that shit. Stefan tries to compel him to leave, but instead he comes back with a bad ass shot gun. Yikes.

Abby hears the gun go off and interrupts the touching mother/daughter moment she was having with Bonnie by drugging her. W. T. F.

Damon shows up at Alaric’s while he is working out because the homoerotic sexual tension between them was not high enough for this show’s liking. Excellent. Damon tells Alaric what Meredith did, and Alaric gets pissed that he went to see her. (I’m sure he’s really upset that Damon put himself in unnecessary danger. What would he do without his snarky sidekick?)

Elena is trying to talk Jamie down, but it doesn’t work. He runs to help Abby put Bonnie in their car. She takes her to the crappy extra hybrid dude. Abby tells Bonnie that if she doesn’t tell her where the coffins are, Jamie has been compelled to kill himself. Abby somehow mystery texts Bonnie that she should warn her friends.

Jamie tells Elena and Stefan the deal, and Elena lawyers her way out of her capture. It looks like the gun that Jamie fired on them had wooden buckshot in it and Stefan is seriously hurting from it.  Is it bad if I think he deserves it? Even a little? Elena tries to get the pieces out of his chest. Uh, really? That is totally disgusting. If it is “scraping against his heart” as Stefan says, she’d need to dig into his chest to get them out.

Damon finds Klaus at the witch house. He’s all smirking and cocky, but the witches bitch slap him with magic for it.

His threat to kill the Bennetts cause them to reveal the coffins. But there are only three! Where is the fourth? Bonnie told Damon that Klaus was coming and he moved it. Awesome! What the hell is in that thing?

Alaric confronts Meredith about her attacking Damon. She tells him that she uses vampire blood to help patients in the hospital. That’s… noble, I guess?

Elena tells Stefan to stop being a whiny bitch while she helps him. Heh. He apparently took time out from his pissiness to notice that Elena no longer has any tolerance for BS and that she is different. I have no idea why, but I guess it is this glimmer of connecting with her that makes Elena decide to tell Stefan that she kissed Damon. She says she felt guilty that he didn’t know, not that it happened. I don’t understand why she owes him anything at this point, but I’m not biased at all.

Stefan doesn’t say a word and walks away. Elena goes after him and Stefan admits that he shouldn’t have kidnapped her. Oh, now you’re sorry? Despite this, he also says she shouldn’t have gone out on her own either. She agrees and says she didn’t plan on kissing Damon. Stefan just says that she is better than both he and Damon. This is true.

Abby tells Bonnie that Jamie is her family even if they aren’t related by blood. She also wants to help Bonnie. Even though she didn’t want her magic anymore, Abby thinks she could get it back, and she would do that to help Bonnie. Awww!

Meanwhile, Caroline’s father is in the hospital, looking pretty healthy for having been mauled by a werewolf. Oh wait, was he the patient that Meredith was helping? I totally missed that. Oops. Tyler says he feels more like himself. Dad says that means they need to continue. Tyler starts to back out of the agreement and says that he can’t go through that again, but daddy dearest makes it clear that he’d better if he ever wants to be around Caroline again.

Back at the Gilbert homestead, Alaric reveals to Meredith that he is a vampire hunter and shows her his super special power ring.

They start making out when Elena interrupts. I’m not super psyched about this pairing, but I’d rather Alaric get some play than not. Alaric gets all apologetic. Elena thanks him for being there when they needed him and they have a sweet moment together. Awww. They are such an adorable non-family.

Stefan comes home and Damon tells him that he got the locked coffin out of the witch house before Klaus got there. Then he asks about Elena and Stefan punches him in the face.

Oh, whatever, Stefan. Now you care? This is all too little, too late for me. Considering all the damage he has done to Elena recently, I don’t think he has any room to get mad about anything she does. Damon shrugs it off as the bigger man does, and shows Stefan that he has a dagger in his possession. And where did he get the dagger?

From Elijah’s chest, of course! Cut to Klaus, telling his hybrid dude he isn’t quite ready to wake up his family yet. But too bad, so sad because Elijah is back and happy to announce it by ripping the heart out of his precious hybrid!

Yay for Elijah!!

Next episode: More angsty pining and flirting. (Hopefully!) And more Elijah!

(Also, Gino Soleito? Really? At least we knew Trevor Lansing, and from their interactions before he died, it was clear some kind of sexual abuse had likely occurred when she was a teenager. But some random dead character from another show? What? WHY?)

Mostly, though, I want you to take a good, long look at this face:

This is the face of a man who’s just learned that his dead wife — who was basically sold to him by her psychotic, abusive father as part of a business deal — was also pimped out to another mobster when she was little more than a child, and then forced to let that same abusive psychopath take her own child from her and raise him as her brother while abusing him and banishing her from the house for years.

Basically, this is the face of a man thinking about the systematic rape and psychological torture of an underage girl.

(Recall, also, that this is the same man who thinks his own unhappy childhood entitles him to the unending compassion and empathy of everyone in his life, no matter how much they’re hurt because of him. Yeah.)

Sonny Corinthos, ladies and gentlemen: what a wretched fucking excuse for a human being.

ANYWAY. The reasons this story is both dumb and pointless are almost too many to count… I mean — putting aside to irritating fact that Sarah Brown is only FOUR FUCKING YEARS older than her on screen “son” — the show went out of its way to establish that she and Johnny were only seven years apart. So either we’re talking child rape and really early puberty here — which I really do not even want to contemplate — or they’re just completely disregarding their own canon. Again.

And you know, maybe in service of a really good retcon (Nikolas’ parentage springs to mind; Ethan’s doesn’t) I could accept screwing with the established timeline. But this doesn’t even make sense on any level. Are we now supposed to believe that Anthony has spent all these years grooming Johnny as his heir when he wasn’t even his son, but the illegitimate spawn of his hated slut daughter? Seriously? Nothing we know about patriarchal, sexist-as-hell Anthony leads me to believe he would be willing to pass Johnny off as his own, much less dote on him as he does.

Even the circumstances for this coming to light make no logical sense. Luke procured this information as leverage against Johnny for Carly — can someone please explain how she could possibly have blackmailed him with a secret that he didn’t even know he had? And Sonny gleefully spilling the beans gains him NOTHING except an upswing in tension between their two families. Well, that and the petty spite of a man taking satisfaction from — again — the underage rape of his enemy’s mother.

This effing show, you guys.

Hey, speaking of inappropriate glee about horrible things happening to women — I know I’m like a broken record on this, and maybe I’m just extra hormonal right now, but this whole Tracy thing is getting upsetting to the point where I’m actually a little teary?

Like, I know Luke is going to whip out some plan at the last minute, and maybe if his entire relationship with her so far hadn’t been based on near-constant disrespect, his pretending to go along with the wedding might be funny. But Luke lost the benefit of the doubt about eight betrayals ago. And Tracy’s now been turned away from everyone who could possibly help her with a callousness that is not doing anyone in this story any favors, character-wise. (Maxie, in particular, has gone from merely “self-involved with a good heart underneath” to SOCIOPATHIC LEVELS OF NARCISSISM since her involvement with Anthony began.)

And now Tracy’s literally helpless and about to be legally bound to — and most likely raped by — this complete psychopath murderer. And all I want is for someone to be on her side and treat it seriously like the fucking violation that it is. I want someone to treat her like a human being instead of punchline! I want someone to acknowledge her feelings actually matter. That person should be Luke, who  owes her a thousand years of apologizing and groveling as it is. But instead they choose to have him smugging it up like her being in this terrifying and humiliating situation is the funniest thing in the world?

WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS MY HATE.

I love how the people most indignant about Jax pretending to be dead are all the same people who grieved for him the least. Like, Kate? STFU. I don’t remember seeing you shed a single effing tear over your good friend and business partner, so you don’t get to act all self-righteous about it now.

Also, Kate? Does Sonny have some sort of brain sucking technology attached to his penis? Because I do not understand how else to explain how quickly you have completely lost your goddamn mind:

JAX: But if Sonny had his way, I would be dead.
KATE: No, no, you’re wrong about Sonny. He’s not the man you think he is.
JAX: [heavy sigh] Back at that, are we?

I KNOW, JAX. I KNOW. HIGH FIVE, BOYFRIEND.

It’s amazing how boring Jax can get when he’s in town for the long haul, but how much I miss him when he’s gone, such that during his brief returns, I’m all squeeful because Jax! Telling it like it is! His talk with Michael on Friday was one of the few genuinely lovely things this show has done in recent memory (I might have gotten a little weepy when Michael — another one who barely shed a tear when he thought his step-father was dead — begged him to just stay. I’m weak, I know. But the little boy desperation in his voice totally got to me!). And his truth-telling to Kate today was futile but still satisfying.

Come back, Jax! But only for a little while! Maybe a couple days each month? And tell everyone the completely obvious things they need to hear? And then disappear again before you get too self-righteous and start making stupid plaaaaaaans of your own?

Meanwhile, over on some other show that wasn’t completely enraging, Robin and Patrick had an honest and heartbreaking conversation that almost — almost! — made up for all stupid bullshit that has  led up to this point:

ROBIN: Look at me. I want you to remember me like this! Like the strong, healthy person that I am, not some shadow of who I am–
PATRICK: This disease is not going to steal who you are, okay? I don’t care what you look like. I don’t care if you’re not strong enough to hold my hand. This is you. This is us.
ROBIN: I’m scared.
PATRICK: I don’t want you to be scared. No more secrets.

[...]

PATRICK: You have to know that taking off is crazy. [Ed. note: Understatement!]
ROBIN: That’s why I would never go through with it. Because I love you too much to leave you. And I love our little girl too much. And because–and because I need you.

OH MY HEART! I could basically quote this whole conversation, but I’ll restrain myself. Suffice it to say that Robin got to (sincerely) apologize for lying and being stupid, and to admit that she was scared. And Patrick got call her out on taking his choices away from him, but also to be the awesomely supportive husband we all knew he would be. And I cried all the tears.

I know it’s a long shot, but I really, really hope that the new team can convince Kimberly McCullough to stay on in some capacity, even if it’s much more limited. Because stuff like this is one of the only things this show still has going for it.