(Also, Gino Soleito? Really? At least we knew Trevor Lansing, and from their interactions before he died, it was clear some kind of sexual abuse had likely occurred when she was a teenager. But some random dead character from another show? What? WHY?)

Mostly, though, I want you to take a good, long look at this face:

This is the face of a man who’s just learned that his dead wife — who was basically sold to him by her psychotic, abusive father as part of a business deal — was also pimped out to another mobster when she was little more than a child, and then forced to let that same abusive psychopath take her own child from her and raise him as her brother while abusing him and banishing her from the house for years.

Basically, this is the face of a man thinking about the systematic rape and psychological torture of an underage girl.

(Recall, also, that this is the same man who thinks his own unhappy childhood entitles him to the unending compassion and empathy of everyone in his life, no matter how much they’re hurt because of him. Yeah.)

Sonny Corinthos, ladies and gentlemen: what a wretched fucking excuse for a human being.

ANYWAY. The reasons this story is both dumb and pointless are almost too many to count… I mean — putting aside to irritating fact that Sarah Brown is only FOUR FUCKING YEARS older than her on screen “son” — the show went out of its way to establish that she and Johnny were only seven years apart. So either we’re talking child rape and really early puberty here — which I really do not even want to contemplate — or they’re just completely disregarding their own canon. Again.

And you know, maybe in service of a really good retcon (Nikolas’ parentage springs to mind; Ethan’s doesn’t) I could accept screwing with the established timeline. But this doesn’t even make sense on any level. Are we now supposed to believe that Anthony has spent all these years grooming Johnny as his heir when he wasn’t even his son, but the illegitimate spawn of his hated slut daughter? Seriously? Nothing we know about patriarchal, sexist-as-hell Anthony leads me to believe he would be willing to pass Johnny off as his own, much less dote on him as he does.

Even the circumstances for this coming to light make no logical sense. Luke procured this information as leverage against Johnny for Carly — can someone please explain how she could possibly have blackmailed him with a secret that he didn’t even know he had? And Sonny gleefully spilling the beans gains him NOTHING except an upswing in tension between their two families. Well, that and the petty spite of a man taking satisfaction from — again — the underage rape of his enemy’s mother.

This effing show, you guys.

Hey, speaking of inappropriate glee about horrible things happening to women — I know I’m like a broken record on this, and maybe I’m just extra hormonal right now, but this whole Tracy thing is getting upsetting to the point where I’m actually a little teary?

Like, I know Luke is going to whip out some plan at the last minute, and maybe if his entire relationship with her so far hadn’t been based on near-constant disrespect, his pretending to go along with the wedding might be funny. But Luke lost the benefit of the doubt about eight betrayals ago. And Tracy’s now been turned away from everyone who could possibly help her with a callousness that is not doing anyone in this story any favors, character-wise. (Maxie, in particular, has gone from merely “self-involved with a good heart underneath” to SOCIOPATHIC LEVELS OF NARCISSISM since her involvement with Anthony began.)

And now Tracy’s literally helpless and about to be legally bound to — and most likely raped by — this complete psychopath murderer. And all I want is for someone to be on her side and treat it seriously like the fucking violation that it is. I want someone to treat her like a human being instead of punchline! I want someone to acknowledge her feelings actually matter. That person should be Luke, who  owes her a thousand years of apologizing and groveling as it is. But instead they choose to have him smugging it up like her being in this terrifying and humiliating situation is the funniest thing in the world?

WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS MY HATE.

I love how the people most indignant about Jax pretending to be dead are all the same people who grieved for him the least. Like, Kate? STFU. I don’t remember seeing you shed a single effing tear over your good friend and business partner, so you don’t get to act all self-righteous about it now.

Also, Kate? Does Sonny have some sort of brain sucking technology attached to his penis? Because I do not understand how else to explain how quickly you have completely lost your goddamn mind:

JAX: But if Sonny had his way, I would be dead.
KATE: No, no, you’re wrong about Sonny. He’s not the man you think he is.
JAX: [heavy sigh] Back at that, are we?

I KNOW, JAX. I KNOW. HIGH FIVE, BOYFRIEND.

It’s amazing how boring Jax can get when he’s in town for the long haul, but how much I miss him when he’s gone, such that during his brief returns, I’m all squeeful because Jax! Telling it like it is! His talk with Michael on Friday was one of the few genuinely lovely things this show has done in recent memory (I might have gotten a little weepy when Michael — another one who barely shed a tear when he thought his step-father was dead — begged him to just stay. I’m weak, I know. But the little boy desperation in his voice totally got to me!). And his truth-telling to Kate today was futile but still satisfying.

Come back, Jax! But only for a little while! Maybe a couple days each month? And tell everyone the completely obvious things they need to hear? And then disappear again before you get too self-righteous and start making stupid plaaaaaaans of your own?

Meanwhile, over on some other show that wasn’t completely enraging, Robin and Patrick had an honest and heartbreaking conversation that almost — almost! — made up for all stupid bullshit that has  led up to this point:

ROBIN: Look at me. I want you to remember me like this! Like the strong, healthy person that I am, not some shadow of who I am–
PATRICK: This disease is not going to steal who you are, okay? I don’t care what you look like. I don’t care if you’re not strong enough to hold my hand. This is you. This is us.
ROBIN: I’m scared.
PATRICK: I don’t want you to be scared. No more secrets.

[...]

PATRICK: You have to know that taking off is crazy. [Ed. note: Understatement!]
ROBIN: That’s why I would never go through with it. Because I love you too much to leave you. And I love our little girl too much. And because–and because I need you.

OH MY HEART! I could basically quote this whole conversation, but I’ll restrain myself. Suffice it to say that Robin got to (sincerely) apologize for lying and being stupid, and to admit that she was scared. And Patrick got call her out on taking his choices away from him, but also to be the awesomely supportive husband we all knew he would be. And I cried all the tears.

I know it’s a long shot, but I really, really hope that the new team can convince Kimberly McCullough to stay on in some capacity, even if it’s much more limited. Because stuff like this is one of the only things this show still has going for it.

ELIZABETH: I can’t do this anymore. you need to know the truth.
PATRICK: What truth?
ELIZABETH: Patrick, Robin’s sick. Her HIV levels are unstable.

BOOM! I was all resigned to this dumb secret continuing to drag on as so many other dumb secrets have. But no! Elizabeth “My Poker Face Is Reserved For Paternity Lies Only” Webber just stepped right in like a champ and nipped this thing in the bud for me. Love you, girl.

It should probably go without saying that Jason Thompson was working Patrick’s denial, fear and hurt to the hilt. I could wish for a lot of ways this story should have been told differently, starting with Robin not being out of her goddamn mind, but for now I’m just grateful the cat is out of the bag and we can hopefully get on with the rest of the fall out from the possible death of one of this show’s longest running and most beloved legacy characters.

You know, as soon as the writers get done with focusing on much more important subjects, like Sonny’s childhood (hey, did you know that it wasn’t a happy one? I know! I was shocked too!), Carly’s cunning plan to prostitute herself to save Michael from his own douchiness (um, yeah… good luck with that), and the exciting vagaries of Ethan’s sex life.

Speaking of the latter, I should have known it was shortsighted to complain when the Lady in White — sorry, Cassandra — spent months not speaking. Because now that she’s finally opened up her mouth, we’re being subjected to gems like this:

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS LADY IN WHITE: Is that all you really wanted to know about me? How sexually proficient I might be?
ETHAN, aka THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS A CHARACTER I DIDN’T HATE: No, no, of course not! I’m sure you’re sufficiently proficient. [Ed. note: You are... the grossest.]
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS LADY IN WHITE: Yes. And what happens next, after that? What becomes of the girl with no past, your curiosity spent in the sheets, leaving me with no named accomplishment other than that I brought you pleasure? Or do you think I’m virginal territory to impress? You think you’ll give me something to remember if I can remember nothing on my own. A gift of desire and destruction that I can’t return for a refund; my moment of weakness. I have none. I am not weak.
ETHAN, aka THE GROSSEST: Prove it. With your vagina. [Ed note: That last part may have just been implied?]

What? Who talks like that? I’ll tell you who: characters in bad romance novels, whose authors think purple prose, pretentious twattery, and abuse of commas sounds “old timey.”

So, listen: I get that the writers think that this is “Gothic” (it’s not) and that Nathan Parsons apparently believes this is Wuthering Heights. (Also no, it’s really not. Dear Garin Wolf: I knew Emily Brontë. Emily Brontë was a good friend of mine. And you, sir? Are no Emily Brontë.) But there’s a reason real people don’t talk like characters from Wuthering Heights, and that reason is that they will sound extremely stupid.

The one good thing I can say about this plot is it gives me an excuse to share one of my favorite things in the universe:

(What does it say that the plot of that spoof toy commercial was way more interesting than anything currently happening on this show?)

Elsewhere, Natasha and Luke had another little sit down, and it started all cute with the sparring and the missing each other and the straight talk… and then the talk got a little too straight, if you know what I mean:

LUKE: Look, Tracy used to like me just as I was. She didn’t want me to change. She knew I was a challenge. Did I steal from her? Did I cheat on her? Absolutely. But she liked that! She expected me to do it!
ALEXIS: Did it ever occur to you that maybe Tracy was willing to take you any way she could get you? How about maybe she guards her heart because she was afraid you would break it, which is exactly what you did. Now aren’t you glad you invited me here?

Oh, I see! It’s not that you don’t treat her like shit — it’s just that she likes being abused! Of course. Why haven’t I seen it before? All these years of Tracy pretending to be frustrated, angry, and hurt by Luke’s philandering has all been an act designed to hide her enjoyment of being disrespected! And her pained resignation over his continual abandonment and thievery has really been a secret signal to tell him how much she looks forward to being taken advantage of and then dumped for something shinier and more interesting for months at a time. It’s all so obvious now. I mean, if she wasn’t asking for it, he wouldn’t do it, right?

You know who else is asking for it? Strippers. Not all strippers, of course! Just, you know… the bad ones. The ones who like stripping:

MICHAEL: Look, these dancers that this guy’s beating up? Most of them only dance there to make ends meet. They don’t like taking their clothes off for strangers any more than Abby did.

[...]

SONNY: You don’t think I know what that’s about? I ran a strip joint. And that’s why I got out of a business. Guys are pigs!

Michael’s right, you guys. It’s okay to be a stripper, so long as you feel degraded and trapped in a life you can’t escape. Only women who enjoy taking their clothes off for money deserve to be beaten! I also love Sonny’s explanation for why he got out of the strip club business — hey, Sonny? Did you have that epiphany about men being pigs before or after you coerced a teenage abuse victim into stripping for you by drugging her to the gills?

(If I feel degraded and trapped after watching this show, does that mean I don’t deserve to beaten either? These rules are so complex!)

Fortunately, we have Tracy herself — after being hilariously kidnapped by her betrothed — to finally cut through the music of wacky hijinks and call this bullshit what it actually is:

ANTHONY: I’m going to call you Venus. My own personal goddess of love!
TRACY: Look, this cuddly mobster act is completely wasted on me. I know that you’re lethal, and no matter how you try to dress it up as quirky or cute, you’re threatening me.

I understand that there are people who actually find this story funny? And I kind of… don’t understand how that’s possible? But at least one character is actually clear on the fact that what Anthony is doing isn’t harmless or shenanigans! as usual. I know the writers would like us all to forget that this is the same man who calmly smothered Siobhan in her hospital bed less than five months ago or who had another woman offed last month simply for the leverage to force Maxie to plan his wedding (because Maxie’s… so awesome? Yeah, I got nothin’). But there is literally nothing about him railroading and frightening Tracy that I find amusing in the slightest.

(Dear Ron Carlivati: FREE TRACY! You wrote for Dorian Lord. I know you can handle this aging battle axe with a little dignity.)

Oh, and also, Jason supposedly killed Franco? But not until after letting him blather on interminably for an episode and a half? And then later he seemed oddly uncertain about whether or not he was even dead?

(Like, how about a couple kill shots to the head, Jason? It’s called being a professional. God.)

(You know we’re all going to be paying for his incompetence later when JF shows up again to torment us all with his pretentious douchery until the end of time or until he finally gets bored and wanders off to shake up all of life and art as we know it by playing himself somewhere else.)

Thanks for nothing, Jason. WORST. HIT MAN. EVER.

We open on the morning after The Kiss. Birds are singing, the sun is shining, and — because the writers of this show love us very much — this is how we find Damon:

For those keeping track at home, that is the second completely gratuitous bathing Damon scene of the season. (I love this show.) Damon’s still feeling the afterglow of it all, and even Stefan’s bitchy complaining that they’re late to meet Bonnie at the witch house can’t harsh his buzz. Or make him put on a shirt. Bless.

Across town, Elena deals with her feelings by continuing her quest to becomes Mystic’s answer to Buffy Summers, while Alaric gets his Giles on and offers some pointers. I continue to adore their family/slightly sexy vibe together. What? I can’t help that like Damon, I just want to ‘ship Alaric with everyone!

They chit chat about the mystery of the invincibility ring failing to completely heal Alaric, and about Jeremy, who’s apparently packing for his big, compelled move. Alaric can clearly tell something is bothering Elena (something more than all of the above). But she’s playing it close to the vest.

Over at the witch house, Bonnie’s trying out spells to get into the mystery coffin, which I don’t think I would want to be doing all by myself. I mean, what are the odds that whatever’s in there will actually be something good? She doesn’t get very far before one of Klaus’ hybrids shows up, but luckily, Stefan and Damon (who’s finally put some clothes on, sadly) show up just in time for the latter to rip his heart out.

Also, evil!Stefan? Continues to have the most awesome facial expressions:

Love him! Snark away, evil!Stefan! I will miss you when you’re gone.

At school, it’s apparently Caroline’s birthday, and the gang has a plan to put up lots of decorations to surprise her. Awww! Elena spills the beans to Bonnie about compelling Jeremy to leave town. Bonnie is… less than impressed:

… but she does keep the secret when chatting with Jeremy a moment later. Or does she? Because when she slipped and admitted he’d used the same wording as Elena, he got a look on his face that made me wonder if gears were starting to turn in the Littlest Gilbert’s brain. I guess we’ll probably find out sometime next sweeps.

Back at the witch house, Stefan and Damon pow wow about the coffins and lay out the situation very nicely for those of us (*raises hand*) who were getting slightly confused about the state of the Klaus family tree. So, there were seven siblings total, including: Klaus, Rebekah (daggered in Klaus’ possession), one dead in the old world, one dead in the new world (werewolves!), and Elijah and two mystery siblings (coffins!).

Then there’s the fourth coffin, which Team Kill Klaus is for some reason convinced will be able to help them with their mission statement. O…kay?

By the by, I guess the dead witches have decided to table their grudge against Damon for the moment, as he’s hanging out in the house in broad daylight, snarking at them for being unhelpful with the coffin and yet conspicuously not burning. In any case, Stefan reveals his new game plan: get the hybrids out of town by calling Klaus’ bluff. Damon is once again in the awkward position of being the voice of reason on this team. Uh-oh.

Caroline runs into Tyler outside the school. She’s upset about him nearly getting Jeremy killed last week, and wants to know what he plans to do about the sire bond. But Tyler doesn’t think there’s anything to do. At least he finally realizes that’s a problem?

Oh, these poor sad muffins! My heart is breaking for them. (And we haven’t even gotten to the worst part of the episode yet!) Tyler apologizes for the fact that they can’t be together and gives her a charm bracelet for a birthday present and it’s all incredibly angsty. FEELINGS!

Klaus has Rebekah all cozy in a coffin of her very own at his new house. Stefan pays a visit to lay down the law: send the hybrids out of town or he’ll just start killing them all. Klaus, by the way, is hilariously put out that Stefan hasn’t turned out to be a loyal friend to him. Yes, I wonder why, Klaus!

He and Stefan play a little game of chicken — does Klaus care less about Elijah than Stefan cares about Elena and co.? Sorry, Klaus. I think I’ve got to give the edge to evil!Stefan here. Who, by the way, caps off the scene by awesomely decapitating one of the hybrids. Team evil!Stefan!

Klaus is still fuming when Tyler shows up after an apparent summons. Fresh from his break up (for really real this time!) with Caroline, he’s a bit mouthier than usual, especially when Klaus orders him to go bite her to teach Stefan a lesson. Tyler flat out refuses and Klaus seems to relent. OR DOES HE?

Meanwhile, Caroline comes home from skipping school to find an ambush birthday celebration from Bonnie, Elena, and Matt waiting for her. They are SUPER adorable…

… but Caroline isn’t feeling it. Not just because she’s being sadly kept away from sexytimes with Tyler due to hybrid drama, but also because she’s stuck in 17 (“a filler year”) forever now, and her birthday is just a reminder of that. Don’t worry, Caroline! At least 17 looks like 25 on you!

Elena, because she is an awesome friend, comes up with an alternative plan on the spot. A funeral! In one of Mystic’s endless supply of abandoned dungeons in the woods! (Happy… birthday?) No, actually, it’s a really sweet idea: they’re going to say goodbye to Caroline’s old life so she can start living her new one. They give a nice eulogy, light some candles, and then — because they’re still high school kids, after all — proceed to get completely plastered. Heh.

Damon is filling his best boyfriend, Alaric, in on the latest Stefan drama as they head over to yet another council meeting/fundraiser (with Alaric amusingly pissy about the endless formal events they have to go to).

Along the way, they try to clear up the question of what the hell is going on with Stefan’s humanity “switch,” which can apparently be turned on or off… or be somewhere in between, like a dimmer switch. (Oh sure, why not? It’s not like this entire concept has made much sense before now, anyway.) Damon’s concerned because he doesn’t know where the switch is set right now, and that means there’s no way to tell how far Stefan will be willing to go. Convenient! Also: DUN!

Well, looky here! Doctor Meredith Fell is also in attendance and it turns out she’s a council member! There’s some flirty back and forth between her and Alaric, but I’m not really feeling it yet. (I guess I just really ‘ship him with teenage girls and Damon? Awwwwkward.)

Also awkward? Klaus is there, chatting up Tyler’s mom. He and Damon get into a snit right in front of her and I’m confused — when did she find out about hybrids and the missing coffins and Damon and Stefan being vampires? Because she sure doesn’t look shocked by any of it. Am I just forgetting a scene? Oh, probably.

(Also, did she just… inherit the mayoral seat from her husband? That’s… not really how it works.)

Anyway, Klaus has made a deal with her to adopt a live and let live policy with the council so long as Stefan stops being a dick. Good luck with that!

Over at the funeral: everyone is in their cups. Caroline drunk texts Tyler (hee!) and Bonnie (rightly) lets Elena have it for taking Jeremy’s choice away from him. Poor Cute!Matt is left playing mediator. Why do I have a feeling this isn’t the first time for that?

Damon and Sheriff Forbes chat about the hybrid problem. LIIIIIIIIIIIZ! I love her. She gets all feisty about not letting innocent people get caught in the crossfire between Klaus and the Salvatores and Damon gives her this look:

Oh, yeah. He’s into it.

Alaric overhears Meredith having a tense confrontation with her current boss and former prom date, aka Douchy McDeadSoon. He runs Douchy off, but not before receiving a warning from him that Meredith is a “psycho case” and not to get sucked in by her. Hmmm… I am certain that warning will not at all become relevant in future episodes!

While all this is going on, Stefan is sneaking into the party to do a little hybrid decapitating. But Damon catches him first and reminds him that if he keeps pushing Klaus like this, Elena is going to pay the price, since her blood is still the key to filling Klaus’ house with the pitter patter of more little hybrid boots. Stefan, like the honey badger, doesn’t give a shit.

Tyler shows up at the party dungeon and he and Caroline head outside for a talk, leaving Elena and Cute!Matt to have a heart-to-heart of their own. He confesses that he just wants them all to be happy and sees them as being stuck in this crazy supernatural life (although I guess he still doesn’t see himself as a part of it?). For her part, Elena confesses that she knows Bonnie was right about Jeremy, but that she can’t lose anyone else she loves. Cute!Matt looks very understanding, and I’m reminded that these two have actually known each other for a very long time.

Tyler wants to take back the break up because he was able to defy Klaus earlier. Oh, and also because he luuuuurves Caroline. OH MY HEART! Caroline is disbelieving and then happy and they kiss as the music swells… and then he totally bites her! OH, GODDAMNIT. They’re both horrified, and Caroline orders him to leave before collapsing against a tree. I am finding this all seriously distressing.

In another part of the forest, Elena and Matt are out looking for them because Elena doesn’t trust Caroline not to get back together with Tyler… and also they’re out of drinks. Heh. She makes an off hand, teasing remark about Matt being haunted by “the Fell ghosts.” HMMMM. But Stefan interrupts their drunken wanderings by knocking Cute!Matt out (not cool, Stefan!) and kidnapping Elena for a scenic little car ride along the bridge where her parents died. Fun!

Damon thinks Stefan is “operating on crazy right now,” and warns Klaus not to test him. But Klaus doesn’t really believe he would do anything to hurt Elena… until Stefan calls and tells him that not only is he getting ready to speed off the bridge, but he’s fed Elena his blood so that she won’t die; she’ll just become a vampire, rendering her blood useless for hybrid-making purposes. I have to say: this is a solution I hadn’t considered before and I’m not sure why none of them have at least talked about it.

ANYWAY. Elena is screaming and crying in the background, sounding genuinely terrified. And Klaus… blinks. He agrees to send his hybrids out of town. As soon as Stefan stops the car, Elena is out like a shot. She lays into him for basically recreating the scene of her parents’ death — which he knew, since he was the one who saved her that night. I… had completely forgotten about that. Huh.

Stefan looks a little abashed, but claims that her fear was necessary to convince Klaus, whose destruction is all that matters now. He also claims not to care what she thinks of him anymore, as they were over the second he left town with Klaus, and she just can’t admit it to herself. Oh, if only I could actually believe that were true!

Meanwhile, Cute!Matt has managed to find Caroline and bring her back to her mother’s house, where she’s slowly dying. Klaus shows up, having been begged by Tyler to come save her. Poor Liz, stuck between a rock and a hard place, finds herself making the same bargain she excoriated the mayor for earlier in the episode: her child’s safety in exchange for her support. (Although why Klaus would need the human support, I don’t really know.)

So Klaus goes into Caroline’s room, and they have what I can only describe as a weirdly… tender?… scene. I don’t know. Klaus seems almost sincere in his desire to help her, even though he obviously set up this entire turn of events precisely to work out as it did, solidifying his hold over the town leaders.

But he also gives her a pep talk about all the things she has left to live for, and actually seems to see her as a kindred spirit of sorts. Caroline finally admits that she doesn’t want to die, and he lets her drink from him. I… kind of want these two to become best friends now? WEIRD.

Time for the obligatory Damon/Elena sexual tension wrap up! After bringing her home from the bridge, Damon admits he’s a little proud of Stefan for getting one over on Klaus. They stand really close, gazing at each other intensely (as you do) for a few moments before Elena abruptly tells him he can’t kiss her again: it wouldn’t be right. He calmly agrees, but says it’s not wrong, just not “right” right now, then leaves her there with a smile.

I’m liking this new, more mature Damon! I’m guessing Elena does too.

The next morning: Elena and Bonnie say good bye to Jeremy. (Bye, Little J! I’ll… try to miss you?) Caroline wakes up, healed, and finds a nicely wrapped necklace from Klaus. Meredith Fell finds Alaric drinking at the bar and they flirt some more. And Cute!Matt finds Elena on the bridge, where she confesses that she does feel trapped, and worries that she’s let the girl she used to be down somehow — that she’s let her parents down. Awww, Elena! I want to give her a hug now.

Cute!Matt, because he is an awesome friend, agrees that she’s not that girl anymore, but that as someone who knew that girl pretty well, he thinks she’s doing pretty well.

Then he throws her a mini-funeral of her own, which makes Elena smile. I also desire to give Cute!Matt ALL THE HUGS.

But wait, there’s still the cliffhanger–hey, it’s Douchy McDeadSoon, living up to his name!

And according to Liz, showing Damon the body, he was killed by a human. (Or a ghost, perhaps?) DUN!

Next week: Bonnie’s mom! Ooh, intriguing!

But it was also kind of awesome? I mean, if nothing else, I’m glad that One Life to Live went out with a bang, capping off a nearly flawless last few weeks (on top of an immensely entertaining last few months).

I don’t really feel qualified to eulogize this show; I’ve only watched One Life to Live sporadically up until the last six months or so. But regular viewer or no, these characters have been a part of my soap experience for twenty years, and it’s hard to imagine a world where Victoria Lord isn’t out there somewhere, suffering through trials and tribulations with her signature dignity and class.

43 years. One final episode. Here we go.

We pan over pictures of Vicki and her family on the mantel at Llanfair as a strangely familiar-sounding narrator tells us that…

Once upon a time, there was a woman named Victoria Lord Riley Burke Riley Buchanan Buchanan Carpenter Davidson Banks. She was the heiress to a vast publishing fortune. But even greater in number were the people she loved, her family and the town called home… Llanview.

Vicki and Clint have the DNA test results which will prove once and for all who Jessica’s real father is. Of course, in true soap fashion, they’re both wibbling ridiculously about who should open it or whether they should even open it at all. My God, you two! Open the damn envelope already!

Meanwhile, Jessica is hanging out in the foyer (as you do) sadly looking at pictures of dead Ford, who was awesomely killed by a rogue chandelier earlier this week. (And it was amazing. And all was right with the world.) But Jess is bummed, because he might have been a asshat, but he was her babydaddy/asshat, damn it!

Natalie walks in and asks if she’s okay as the narrator tells us:

Victoria herself had five children, who all grew up to have stories of their own. The youngest were beautiful twin daughters, as different as the colors of their hair. Jessica, the fair maiden, who somehow always managed to rescue herself. And Natalie, whose fiery temper could sometimes scare away the people she loved…

Jess says she’s okay, and wonders why Nat isn’t with John… which leads us to the man in question watching as Téa and Tomás have a tender reunion. I’m not quite sure how to describe Tomás’ outfit here. Homeless professor chic? I’m trying to cut him some slack, because he’s been held captive for weeks, but… dude. If you try going to Blair looking like that, you will definitely not be able to woo her away from Todd’s fine, besuited self.

Tomás wants Todd to pay for this sartorial abuse. And, you know, the whole “kidnapping him, holding him captive for weeks, and forcing him to confess to Victor’s murder” thing. Jeez, he’s so touchy!

And let’s not forget Victoria’s brother, Todd. His past hurts everyone he cares about, including his true love, Blair.

Yes, let’s not forget Todd! Who is currently bursting through the door to Blair’s bedroom while finally, finally making out with the lady herself. Can we all just pause here and take a moment to appreciate the fineness that is Kassie DePaiva’s ass in those jeans?

Looking good, girl! Looking good.

Anyway, Todd and Blair can’t stop touching each other and barely manage to stumble over to the bed, where she whirls him around and pushes him down at the last second. Hot! Todd’s looking kind of desperate. Blair reassures him she’s not going anywhere.

He has really perfected the woobie face, I’ll give him that.

Next, we check in with Starr and Hope, who have apparently used the patented Port Charles wormhole to get to LA in the space of about five minutes. And they’re going to be staying with… two people I don’t know at all, because I skipped over Starr’s high school years completely!

Um, okay, apparently, they’re Langston and Markko? And Starr is very happy to see them? Yeah, that’s all I got.

And then there’s Clint’s brother, Bo Buchanan, who has long sacrificed his own gain to protect the people he loves.

Back in Llanview at Roxy’s Fraternity Row viewing party, Bo and Nora are looking at a picture of Asa while Destiny tells everyone she’s going into labor. Shocked faces all around!

Over at Llanfair, Vicki and Clint continue to not open the damn envelope, and although they’re saying very nice things to each other about Vicki being Clint’s rock and Clint always being Jessica’s dad no matter what the results say… move it along you two!

This is the story of Victoria’s life, one she lived with love, laughter, tears, joy, sorrow, anger, betrayal, and forgiveness. And maybe just a few surprises.

We finally see the narrator, and it’s… Allison! (I can’t believe I didn’t recognize that intonation!) She’s written a screenplay of Vicki’s life and is narrating it not just to us, but also to a mysterious silent someone in the room with her who we can’t see. Dun!

Credits!

I want to give a shout out here to my favorite version of the OLTL credits:

EARLY 90s PORN CHAMPAGNE FTW!

And… back! Starr has just put Hope down for the night. She chats with Langston and Markko (such classic soap names!) and mentions that her parents weren’t happy she went to LA.

Sorry to break it to you, Shorty, but Todd and Blair are too busy hotly kissing and undressing each other to be thinking about you. Except… Todd suddenly puts a stop to the proceedings and tells her that he “can’t do this.” I get all excited, thinking he’s finally going to confess, but… (spoiler!) he’s totally not.

Oh, well. Did I mention the hotness?

Across town: Tomás, the reason Todd should really get to confessing while he still has the chance, is chomping at the bit to go confront him and reunite with Blair. But John and Téa want Tomás to wait and let John handle things. Tomás pouts.

Allison talks to her mystery guest about Jessica and Natalie, who are continuing their heart-to-heart at Llanfair.

NATALIE: Jess, you don’t have to be strong. I know this hurts.
JESSICA: I thought I’d feel better now that Mitch is dead. But it doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t bring Ford back [Ed. note: thank GOD] and it doesn’t undo all the evil my father did.
NATALIE: You know better than that. Mitch is not your father, no matter what I said that day.
JESSICA: No matter what we said. You are very much a part of this family.

Aw, girls! They head into the living room, where Vicki is FINALLY reading the results, although she’s so hilariously slow about it that even Clint snaps and tells her to cut to the chase. Hee!

Whatever she reads makes her gasp. WHAT COULD IT BE?

Elsewhere, pretty much all the adults in Destiny’s life are completely freaking out. Heh. Good thing her obstetrician is already in the room. Dr. Vivian takes charge, but drops the bomb that there’s not enough time to get to the hospital. This baby is coming now! She gives everyone orders — mainly to keep them out of the way,  I think — and in the chaos, who should finally show up, but Matthew! Buching it up like David told him to!

Meanwhile, Starr lasts about five seconds before telling Langston and Markko that Cole’s still alive. She… is terrible at keeping secrets. They’re overjoyed, of course, but Starr’s happiness is bittersweet; she knows she may never see him again. OR WILL SHE?

Tomás wants to know why Teá didn’t tell Blair the truth about his innocence. Teá hilariously defends herself by claiming that Blair wouldn’t have been able to keep the secret (true) but that Teá could (not so much). Yeah, I love you, Delgado, but your poker face could use a little work. Just sayin’. She also spills the beans that Todd and Blair have been getting closer in Tomás’ absence. Tomás promptly loses his shit.

Blair doesn’t understand why Todd is pushing her away. He snarks amusingly about her awful curtains and I have to agree — who decorated this house? Please tell me that’s not Dorian’s terrible taste. I won’t believe it!

Todd asks Blair if she remembers coming to the airport to try and stop him from leaving for Ireland. She does, duh.

TODD: You said that you finally had everything you wanted. And that the problem with having everything that you want–
BLAIR: Is that you could lose everything.
TODD: The whole time I was away from you, all I wanted — all I needed — was to get back to you. To get back to our children. And here I am. Here I am.
BLAIR: You are not going to lose me.
TODD: Yeah, that’s what I told you. I said just that. Right before someone shot me in the back and stuck me in the back of a car.
BLAIR: And nothing was ever the same. Come on, Todd. Didn’t we both just say there are no guarantees?
TODD: It would be great if there were guarantees. Wouldn’t that just the great? It would make everything so much easier.
BLAIR: Oh, yeah, because then you wouldn’t trust people, and if you didn’t trust people then you wouldn’t get hurt.
TODD: People are unreliable. People do stupid things.
BLAIR: Not everybody–
TODD: Blair, I do stupid things. Every day.
BLAIR: Well, then, you need to know. Right here, right now… there is nobody in the world that I trust more than you.

Oh, my heart!

Vicki and Clint decide that the best way to give the girls the good news is to scare the shit out of them by dropping a bunch of cryptic hints. But eventually, Clint manages to spill the beans that he’s the biological father to both of his twins (soaps!):

CLINT: Jessie, whatever the test results say, please know that you always were — and always will be — my daughter. But… it’s awfully nice to know that it’s official.

And everyone’s disbelieving and happy, and it’s all quite lovely, and then Jessica say “Daddy?” in this way that just wrecks me and there are many hugs and tears. Perfection!

Destiny and Matthew are finally talking to each other while she’s still in labor. He doesn’t promise to marry her or anything like that — which is good, because that’s not what these kids need — but he does says that David made him see that he had to be there for the people he cared about. He also holds her hand as she pushes and adorably appears to be grimacing along with her every time there’s a contraction. Ah, Matthew. I’m glad your coma death was a huge fake out.

Then poor Shaun gets an eyeful of something that causes him to make pretty much the most awesome face in the world…

… and Destiny’s child is finally born! And it’s a boy! A boy with a fantastic head of hair! (And — according to Destiny, at least — the Buchanan chin.)

Bo calls David to give him the good news and thank him for talking Matthew into showing up and being there for Destiny. David, predictably, would like them to name the baby after him. Heh. The two families are now one.

Back at Llanfair, Jess is overjoyed that Mitch will no longer be a part of her or her children’s lives. And then she and Natalie team up to wreck me some more:

NATALIE: And we’re twins. Like it or not.
JESSICA: I like it. You know, I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but finding you is the best thing that ever happened to me.
NATALIE: Me too.

Girls! Stop making me cry!

Allison hints that Starr might be of special interest to her mystery companion. HMMM. WHO COULD IT BE?

Meanwhile, Starr and Langston talk briefly about Ford, who I guess Langston loved? Okay, not endearing her to me as a character, but there’s a nice line about how knowing he’ll live on through Ryder helps with the grief.

There’s a knock at the door and Starr answers to find a man sent by Todd. He assures her he’s not there to drag her back to Llanview; he’s just giving her a bodyguard. And that guard is Cole!

He’s been to see Patrick and Marty, but his family is with Starr and Hope if she’ll have him. And she will! Which is nice and all, but I’m thinking it’s going to make things a bit awkward when she shows up in Port Charles without him in a month. Details, details…

Blah, blah, Tomás wants to go kill Todd. Blah, blah, Teá thinks that idea is crap. Look, I like both of these characters, but nothing is going to come of this before the episode is over and we’ll never know exactly how it would have played out in the online version. So moving on:

Blair and Todd! Back on the hot train straight to sexville!

For some reason, Destiny was so convinced she was having a girl that she didn’t bother picking out any boy  names. Bo half-heartedly suggests “David” (what a good Pa!) which gives Matthew the idea off naming his baby after his other brother: Drew Buchanan. Nora and I immediately choke up while Bo looks deeply moved. Happy tears all around!

The story of Llanview is ending one chapter, while beginning another.

Bo heads out to pull the car around, but he stops to tell Nora, “I love you, Red,” with his voice totally breaking in this really raw and real way, and it’s hard not to see this moment as the actors saying goodbye as much as the characters.

YOU ARE KILLING ME, ROBERT S. WOODS!

Natalie is excited to call Rex and tell him that he has another sister. Jess cracks that he might not believe them, since this is the third time they’ve found out they’re related. Heh. Then she tells Vicki and Clint that they’re the best parents in the world, and my heart grows another three sizes. But wait, someone’s at the door–

BRODY! He tells Jess that he was released yesterday, and is sorry about Ford. He’s going back to the special forces, but if Jessica ever needs him, he’ll be there. Aw, Brody! I think those crazy kids might just work it out some day, after all.

For some there is still a long way before the happily ever after. For others, it’s right around the corner…

Clint’s not wasting any more damn time! He proposes:

Vicki smiles through her tears and… that’s the last shot of Victoria Lord. Wow. SAD.

Over at the afterglow party, Todd and Blair are snuggling as he asks her to sing to him. (“You have a pretty voice”.) Awww…

BLAIR: Are you still afraid you’re going to lose me?
TODD: It’s always been you and me, Blair. I love you.
BLAIR: I love you too.

These two, you guys!

But of course, John interrupts the sexytimes — which is a bummer because Todd was just offering to sing to her and I have a feeling I would have enjoyed that. Oh, and also, because John has a warrant for Todd’s arrest for Victor’s murder. Dun!

Blair looks at Todd disbelieving and you can tell from the look on his face that all his worst fears have just come true…

But wait! Because the last scene of the episode reveals that Allison’s mystery guest is none other than… VICTOR!!! Alive and tied to the bed!

Y’all, I sat up and clapped like a maniac, I was so happy.

And… we’re done. *SOBS*

So, here’s the thing: I get that this wasn’t as much of a finale as the show would have had if they had known at the time there would be no online version. And I get that people will probably be disappointed. But it’s not like this was a huge surprise; we’ve known it would probably be like this since the PP deal fell through. And I don’t want to dwell on what could have been. Personally, I could wish for less of a cliffhanger and a few more flashbacks, but we still got closure for a lot of characters, a ton of family love, and a really intriguing continuation of the Two Todds saga. And if the show had continued, this was a hell of a set up for the next chapter.

I am sorry we’ll never get to see Teá or the kids’ reunions with Victor. (Hopefully, when the Mannings get to Port Charles, they’ll have a few expository conversations about how and why Allison managed to orchestrate his “death” and captivity.) But I feel good about the remaining characters. Like they’re going about their lives somewhere off screen. And you know what? They’re going to be all right.

Finally… I don’t know that anyone could give a better tribute to not only this show, but the entire soap genre, than Vicki’s speech about the last episode of Fraternity Row, so I’ll close with that:

… these families become extensions of our own. [...] We know them so well. They’ve become our friends. We yearn for their happiness, especially when it’s hard won. We laugh as they laugh, we cry as they cry, and we can’t imagine doing without them.

Good bye, One Life to Live. You’re all in my heart, and always will be.

We open with Bonnie taking a trip to the witch house, which happens to be as creepy as ever.

She wanders through the dust and horror movie lighting down to the basement. Why would anyone go there?!? She finds four coffins and upon opening one, she discovers Klaus with Rebekah’s necklace in his hands. A creaking noise makes me jump and simultaneously jolts Bonnie awake.

Jeez, so it’s going to be that kind of episode, I see.

Elena is running to some fairly light-hearted music. Ever notice that they freaking love music on this show? It is often super distracting. What was I saying again? Oh yeah, the music.  It stops and turns into “sounds of menace” when Elena notices someone is following her. She turns a corner and said creeper comes out of the bushes all apologetic and polite. Phew!

Elena talks to Bonnie about the fact that she’s been feeling super paranoid lately and wonders why Klaus is waiting to make a move. Bonnie talks about her dreams and Elena suggests that maybe there is some “witchy” significance to them. Bonnie blows off that idea and asks about Stefan, who seems to be MIA still.

But hey! Damon is still around! And getting day-drunk and trying to get his  best buddy, Alaric, to join him. He also calls the impending confrontation with Klaus, “Klausageddon.” Hee. Alaric says he’s not there to spend quality time with Damon (yeah, right) but to see Jeremy. It seems that Jeremy has fallen back into his emo, sadpants ways and is partying and getting F’s on his homework. Oops, looks like he was fired too. Hat trick!

Turns out Jeremy is doing said drinking and shooting stuff (yikes!) with Tyler. But no worries, ’cause Tyler can’t be hurt by that crazy crossbow that Jeremy stole from Alaric. In fact, he helpfully reminds Jeremy and the audience that since he’s a hybrid, he needs to have his heart cut out or his head cut off to die. Well, I’m certain that won’t become relevant later.

Meanwhile, back at the grill, Damon is being extremely flirty with Elena. Elena does her best not to flirt back (so hard!), but they are interrupted by Klaus, the eternal buzz kill. Turns out the runner was in fact one of Klaus’ hybrids, for Klaus has decided to hang in town until Elena and Damon tell him where Stefan is. Dun! Elena tries to get all bad ass and tell him to take a hike, but  it looks like Klaus is just taking that as a challenge. Crap.

Bonnie decides to go check the witch house out — and who is there waiting for her? Stefan, in all his snarky glory. Guys, I seriously love Evil!Stefan. I know that he won’t stay evil forever and that makes me want to type a million sad faced emoticons. : (((((  Ahem. So, Stefan followed Bonnie there because he wants help hiding Klaus’ family.

Alaric and Elena stage a Jeremy intervention. It seems like Jeremy is the only person in town who isn’t totally creeped out by Tyler’s new allegiance to Klaus. In defiance of Elena and Alaric, Jeremy commits bone-headed move number 7,021 by inviting Tyler into their house. Hmmmm, wonder if that is going to be a problem later? Tyler tries to explain the difference between being sired and being compelled.

He reiterates that he is loyal to Klaus because he freed him from having to turn into a werewolf. I recently did some rewatching of season two and although the sired plot point bugs me because I liked Caroline and Tyler together, it makes a lot of sense when you see how painful and out of control turning into a werewolf was for him. During their questioning, Tyler reveals that he would go to cult-like lengths to do what Klaus asks, including ripping out his own heart. A little over dramatic, don’t ya think?

While all this is going on, Klaus and Damon are sharing some drinks over at Chez Salvatore while Klaus whines about Stefan. He decides that Damon needs a push to help him find his brother and makes a mysterious phone call to execute a plan. We cut to Jeremy getting off the phone (uh-oh). Tyler awkwardly makes his exit. While Alaric and Elena are distracted, Jeremy slips out — without his ring.

They find him standing in the middle of the road with an SUV speeding toward him. Alaric takes off in a dead run and pushes Jeremy out of the way just in time to get hit full on by the vehicle. Holy shit!

And who was driving? Mean-ass hybrid minion!

Later, Tyler checks in with Klaus in what appears to be some sort of fortress he’s building. He assures Tyler that his part in the plan was all for the greater good. Uh huh. Tyler’s blank “does not compute” look is really freaking me out. Hopefully he’ll do some serious rebelling soon.

Damon and Elena realize that Tyler was hanging out with Jeremy to get him off the vervain and susceptible to Klaus’ compulsion. The idiot in question’s reaction to this is to have another major meltdown and say he wants to just leave town. Oh, Jeremy. Always pouting.

Bonnie admits to Elena that she knows where Stefan and the coffins are. Damon and Elena go to confront him and, as in season two, the witches give Damon a special “fuck you” by making his ring not work. Wonder why the witches like Stefan? Because he’s hiding the coffins from Klaus? I mean, he’s killed plenty of people lately. I certainly wouldn’t rank him any higher than Damon at this point in the moral category. Anyhoo, Elena asks Stefan for his help and he tells her that she is SOL. Harsh, dude.

Damon decides that he will fight against the witchy mojo to go talk to Stefan. There is a brief moment where he touches Elena’s hands to give her the car keys. Aww. They are so freaking cute with their friendship and their Victorian hand porn.

Stefan and Damon practically kill one another, as brothers do. Damon tortures Stefan into admitting that he messed up the plan to save Damon. *sniff* These crazy kids and their emoting. Stop it you guys, you’re embarrassing me!

Jeremy confronts Tyler about practically getting him and Alaric killed. Tyler does the blank stare thing again and I want to punch him in the freaking face. Tyler warns Jeremy that he should go stay inside because Klaus will continue to go after them. I guess he thinks he’s helping? STFU, brainwashed Tyler.

Alaric’s ring doesn’t seem to be working, because he comes to only to start coughing up blood. Elena calls the paramedics, but creepy asshole hybrid minion compels them to leave. Don’t they have to look someone in the eyes to do that? Or is this yet another thing that hybrids are so totally awesome at?

Random hybrid dude tells Elena that he can save Alaric with his blood if she just invites him in. NOOOOOOO, ELENA! DOOOOON’T DOOOOO IT! Thankfully, Elena is a smart lady and doesn’t give into el creepo. But then just when she seems like she might be getting desperate enough to let him in, he keels over from a arrow to the back. It’s Jeremy! Who is apparently tired of taking this town’s shit and ready to kick some ass. He tells her that hybrid Creepster McsStalkerpants is not dead yet, and swifty remedies that by chopping off his head. HOLY FUCK!

I think Elena and I are of like minds at this point. That was effed up. Wow. I mean seriously, what does it take to chop someone’s head off with a KITCHEN KNIFE? That is some seriously crazy shit.

Damon tries to harass Stefan into revealing why he saved him. Awww. He just wants him to admit that he still loves him! Silly boys. And although they both can’t express how they feel, they agree to work together to find a way to kill Klaus. Brothers unite! Now that they have joined the same team again, Stefan shares that the coffins are being hidden in plain sight by the witches. I’m… not sure how that works. But, okay?

Alaric is at the hospital checking himself out after miraculously recovering from internal bleeding and a host of other issues. Dr. Meredith Fell is introduced briefly. I guess she’s supposed to be inspired by the Meredith character in the book series? I forgot that there even was a Meredith character in the book, which is surprising since the name holds special significance for me. That’s how memorable this character was. (That shouldn’t surprise me since the book wasn’t that memorable either. For the love of god, don’t read the books. You will want to poke your eyes out with a fork. The writers of this show have spun gold out of shit.)

But I digress. In short, Meredith is a Fell, so there will probably be some more interesting town elder plot to come and for that I am psyched!

Elena sells Jeremy’s safety to Klaus for Rebekah (or Rebekah’s frozen body, to be more accurate.) Before turning her over, Elena reminds him how pissed off Rebekah is at him and that Klaus can’t hold Elena as leverage over Stefan any more because he’s the one that made  Stefan  not care about her. Take that!

So it sounds like Damon had to give Alaric blood to heal him, but they didn’t show it, so it’s kind of unclear? Anyway, for some reason, the ring only brought him back to life  without healing him completely this time. Something is different with it. Intriguing! Jeremy is all mopes again about how awful this life is and blah, blah, blah, I just can’t feel bad for him.

Damon tries to console Elena. Nina Dobrev is doing a great job selling Elena at a breaking point. She is clearly vulnerable and desperately wants to feel safe. Good thing Damon is around!

Klaus brings Rebekah back to his lair, but puts the dagger back in her. Presumably because she is going to be pissed at him for killing their mom? I am still not clear about why Klaus keeps all his family around in coffins. He’s such a whiny man baby.

Alaric, Damon and Elena decide that Jeremy should be compelled to leave town. Jeremy obviously isn’t initially impressed, but doesn’t protest. Damon tells Jeremy to leave and have a good life. Is Jeremy gone for good? The question for me is more, do I even care? I know, harsh. Sorry.

Meanwhile, Bonnie and Stefan are trying to open the fourth coffin. Stefan couldn’t open it physically so Bonnie concludes it must be closed with a spell. Mystery!

Elena feels guilty about compelling Jeremy yet again. Damon tells her she did the right thing because at least he’ll be alive. Elena tells him how much she appreciates everything he has done.  Awww! This apparently causes a slight crises of conscience, so Damon reveals that Stefan ruined their plan to kill Klaus in order to save him. Double awww! Old Damon totally wouldn’t have done that, but new Damon feels guilty and wants to be honest with her. So sexy!

Elena is confused by Stefan’s actions and is not sure what it ultimately means. Right there with ya, girl! Damon gives a heartfelt confession that when Stefan went bad, he thought he could finally stop feeling guilty for wanting her. *sigh*

Then he declares that if he’s going to feel guilty about something, he’s going to feel guilty about “this” and… kisses her. The kiss between them is amazing. Just the right amount of hesitation, passion, and eye gazing. It was awesome, you guys! It was epic!

Was it good for you too? I can’t wait for this week’s episode!

Roger Howarth,  Kassie DePaiva, Kristen Alderson, and Michael Easton are coming on board! (That’s OLTL’s Todd Manning, Blair Cramer, Starr Manning, and Det. John McBain for those who have been living in a sad, OLTL-less hole for the last twenty year. I’m… sorry? You’ve been missing some good stuff, folks.)

The less awesome news is that they’re apparently going to be involved in a big story with Sonny. (Oh, of course they are.) But whatever! I’m just so happy (SO HAPPY) that these characters will live on past the end of this week (*sob*) and that their presence in Port Charles may just be the start of a badly needed Renaissance for GH.

The possibilities are endless — can McBain actually make the PCPD competent again? (Especially if he brings current lady love, Natalie, with him to give the PCPD their first ever forensics department?) Not to mention the deliciousness of seeing him team up with Robert Scorpio to clean up the town if the latter can be convinced to stick around after seeing Robin off.

Plus… Todd and Mayor Floyd in a newspaper war! Todd mixing it up with Jax and ELQ! Starr and Maxie and Lulu (or a returned and SORASed Kristina?) helping to repopulate the younger generation again! Blair vs. Carly! And if Natalie doesn’t make the jump with John, I would not at all be opposed to seeing him and Alexis butt heads… and other parts, if you know what I mean and I think that you do.

(Hot Sex for Alexis! is my new platform for 2012. Please join me in making America sexier for hot ladies over 50 again.)

Most of all: it’s a chance for at least part of OLTL to live on, and for long-suffering Todd/Blair fans to get the ending they deserve, and which they would no doubt have gotten on the Prospect Park version of One Life to Live had it actually gone through.

Even if I wasn’t rooting for this couple myself — and I actually am, even if I will always love Todd/Tea in my heart of hearts (and let’s be honest… Blair/Tea 4-EVA, right?) — I have enough good friends who are just about ready to slit their wrists over the cliffhanger ending they’re afraid we’re about to get for these two. I want them to get their couple.

As for concerns that these characters will eat the show… listen, if there’s one thing I could say about One Life to Life under Carlivati and Valentini, it’s that the show feels truly balanced. This is a team that is very good at keeping multiple balls up in the air and spreading the action out so that lots of different characters get their due. I’m not concerned about their ability to integrate the Mannings and McBain into the canvas without stealing time from any of PC’s finest.

And if they don’t… how can I put this delicately? Um. Would that be so bad? Let’s just look at some sample dialog from the last five days, shall we?

MICHAEL: Dad, I already knew you were going to say this.
SONNY: Then why are we having the conversation?
ME: YES. WHY?

Let’s just say that if it’s a choice between another 8,000 conversations JUST LIKE THAT and having Todd Manning swanning around my screen in his delightful hipster haircut talking to hallucinations of his dead mother and pining over Blair… I will take the latter.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Port Charles: Robin, bless her, took a break from being TOTALLY FUCKING CRAZY to lay a little truth on Monica:

MONICA: Well, now that Lucky’s gone, I know Jason feels obligated to her because of Jake. I just don’t want to see him taken advantage of. [Ed. note: !!!]
ROBIN: I can understand why it would be painful that you didn’t know Jake was your grandson while he was still alive, but that was Jason’s choice not to tell you. Not Elizabeth. You can’t blame her for that.

Sadly… it didn’t really take:

MONICA: I think Jason might have changed if Jake had lived. A child can be a really good reason to turn your life around.

Um, Monica? You do realize that Jake was four years old when he died? As in, Jason had FOUR FUCKING YEARS in which to stop killing people for money. And he didn’t. And you’re an idiot. And SHUT UP, MONICA. GOD.

Also sadly: Monica’s batshit crazy seemed to bounce back and make Robin’s already formidable case even stronger, as she now wants Elizabeth to marry Patrick and raise Emma in her place, because that’s totally a normal and reasonable request to make to your friend, who, frankly, already has quite enough of her own shit to deal with.

About the only good thing I can say about those scenes is that both Rebecca Herbst and Kimberly McCullough threw their hearts into it. And it at least gave poor Liz the chance to be the most reasonable person in the room for once:

ROBIN: Patrick already blames himself for everything that Lisa did to us. Don’t you think if he knew it was because of her that I am sick, he would be devastated?
ELIZABETH: And you don’t think he’s gonna be devastated if you just leave without an explanation?
ROBIN: I’ll make up some excuse..
ELIZABETH: You mean you’re gonna lie. Robin, I have lied to every man I loved and it doesn’t work. I hurt them. I hurt myself. It’s damage than cannot be undone.

Not that it will end up doing any good. But still! It’s nice to see her be the voice of sanity instead of the one ready to jump off the Cliff of Romantic Stupidity.

And finally… hey, ladies? Just a little tip for you. If anyone ever looks this happy to hear that you’ve got amnesia? That person is probably a creepy creeper and you might want to stay away from him:

(Seriously, what the fuck was that, Parsons?)

Luckily for Ethan, Spinelli is ALSO hanging around acting like an even CREEPIER creeper. Because… why? He saw her standing outside Kelly’s and decided to randomly stalk her? I just… god, I hate this show.

So, yes. The Lady In White has a name, and it’s “Cassandra,” because her shrink thought it would be a good idea to name his amnesiac mental patient after one of the most tragic figures in Greek mythology. Way to keep her spirits up, Doctor Abs!

Of course, he also thought it would be a good idea to let her squat in someone else’s gothic mansion on an isolated island all by herself. Doctor Abs… is really going balls to the wall for the title of PC’s least ethical doctor, isn’t he? If so, I salute you, sir! Your dedication is admirable!

In conclusion: seriously, if we can get an infusion of Mannings and competent police in exchange for the time now being spent wandering through empty tunnels, staring at portraits, sleeping in graveyards, or listening to Michael say anything ever… I will consider it a bargain well made and dance a dance of much joy, people.

Oh, man. You guys, it has been two, sad, sorry Damon-less months, but our long suffering is nearly over. Yes, new episode tomorrow! Which means it’s time to refresh our memories about the convoluted crap that went down when last we left the good and sexy folk of Mystic Falls:

We open on Team Kill Klaus — now expanded to include Stefan, Mikael, and Rebekah — in the midst of a cunning plan to lure everyone’s favorite psycho hybrid back to town so they can dispose of him once and for all.

This involves Elena “daggering” (not a verb, Elena!  No matter how much you try to  make it one!) Mikael in front of Stefan so that even under compulsion, he can later call Klaus and honestly swear that his father is down for the count. With the word of lil’ sis backing him up, Klaus is on his way back to Mystic faster than you can say “daddy issues.”

Mikael claims to have a secret weapon capable of killing Klaus for good, and all of this drama is set to go down at the Homecoming dance, natch, because where else? Evil!Stefan is on a roll, by the way, complaining bitchily about needing new ties because he’s 162 years old and going to a freaking homecoming dance. Heh.

He also handily foreshadows that their epic plans always fail due to someone‘s humanity messing up the works, and prophecises that at least this time it won’t be his fault. I GUESS WE’LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT, STEFAN.

The above conversation takes place, by the way, while Elena and Damon are engaged in an adorable assembly line constructing Wolfsbane grenades. They’re so domestic in their supernatural terrorism!

Meanwhile, Bonnie is still a wee bit ticked off at Jeremy for his ghost infidelity, although she’s trying her best to keep Elena from getting caught in the middle. She’s also very enthusiastic about hanging out with Alaric as a distraction, which, you know… I AM ALL FOR. Okay, I’ll just come out and admit it: I don’t care that she’s his student; those two need to get it on, post haste. (Unfortunately, Alaric is Sir Not Appearing In This Episode, so we get none of that here. But hope springs eternal!)

Caroline is busy decorating for the dance (of course) and has roped Tyler into helping. But he’s ready to ditch out and go feed on some willing donors that Rebekah (aka, the “evil blood slut,” according to Caroline) found for him. He also reveals that Miss R will be attending the dance on the arm of none other than Cute!Matt — prompting both me and Caroline to make the same face:

Tyler thinks that vervain will protect Cute!Matt, but I don’t know how that will save him from a broken neck if Rebekah gets in a snit. Honestly, Tyler!

Back at chez Salvatore, the evil blood slut herself has been busy having emotional confrontations with daddy dearest and trying on her homecoming finery. Elena is shocked (shocked, I tell you!) to learn that this will be Rebekah’s first high school dance. Um, Elena? SHE WAS AN EFFING VIKING. They didn’t have homecoming, darling. They had cave paintings. What is Alaric teaching these kids?

Anyway! The girls share a bonding moment as Rebekah confesses her sadness over what has to go down with Klaus and warns Elena not to trust Mikael or anyone else in her family. In return, Elena sweetly offers her back her witch necklace and it’s all very heartwarming… until she totally stabs Rebekah in the back with the dagger. Psych!

Naturally, Elena being Elena, she feels super guilty about it afterward, confessing to Damon that although she was afraid of Rebekah’s humanity getting to her at the last minute, she really suspected that it wasn’t Rebekah but Elena herself who was the weak link Stefan warned them about. Damon has a secret plan of his own brewing, though, and to make it work, he needs Elena to be far away from the action. He asks if Elena trusts him and she doesn’t hesitate for a moment to say “yes.” D’awwwww!

Poor Cute!Matt shows up for his date only to find a sheepish Elena waiting to take him instead. But it turns out the gym at the school is conveniently flooded, so everyone just moves the whole party over to Tyler’s house. Sure! Why not? Caroline is hilariously indignant that it’s so much better than the one she had planned. Heh.

Also, there are a lot of strangers there. Suspicious! Yup, turns out Klaus is the one pulling the strings: this is his wake for Mikael. And not only has he noticed Rebekah’s absence (amusingly, because the homecoming queen is still alive), but he orders Stefan to bring Mikael’s body to the party, which — as he happily shows Tyler — is full of hybrids who are loyal to him. Oops! If Team Kill Klaus tries anything, he warns both Elena and Tyler, they’re going to go down.

Poor Caroline has been left completely out of the loop by both Team Kill Klaus and Team Klaus Is My Lord And Master. The latter of whom decides to get his girlfriend out of harm’s way by… knocking her out with an injection of vervain. Um, sweet? (Actually, I totally thought it was. Is that wrong?) Tyler tells Matt to get her out of there and warn the others.

Meanwhile, Stefan breaks the news about the change in plans to Mikael and Damon. But it turns out they have plans of their own — plans which don’t actually include baby brother. Mikael take him out by drinking from him quite ferociously, and even Damon looks disturbed.

Back at the Lockwoods’, only Damon has been invited and can get past the threshold, so he has the magic original-killing stake. He also tussles with Tyler, leading to them both getting hit with Bonnie’s witch whammy — all a part of the plan, apparently, so that Tyler would stay out of the fight.

But Tyler’s not the only hybrid on deck! The rest are surrounding Mikael, who’s trapped at the front door. OR IS HE? Yeah, not so much. Turns out hybrids can still be compelled by other originals. Oops! And he’s already compelled Klaus’ right hand hybrid into bringing him Elena from inside the party — Klaus’ walking blood bank. Double oops!

Mikael threatens to kill her if Klaus won’t come out, and goads him with the fact that nobody loves him who isn’t compelled. Klaus calls his bluff, and Mikael… totally stabs the fuck out of her.

But no! It’s really Katherine, of course. (Sidebar: it was an excellent psych out, and one I totally fell for, the way I always do when they switch Elena and Katherine. But how did neither Mikael nor Klaus not realize that this a vampire and not a human? Klaus talked to her earlier and Mikael flat out grabbed her — he couldn’t sense the pulse or the body heat? I know, I know… Damon kissed her back in season one and didn’t catch on. Well, it bothered me then, too, damnit!)

ANYWAY. Because it’s really Katherine, she bounces right back up. But in the moment of distraction where Klaus thinks she’s dead, Damon sneaks in from behind and stakes him. Clever! Katherine whips out the Wolfsbane grenades to hold off the hybrid hoard from helping their master. For some reason, the stake seems to be working on a delay, but it is working. And yet before it can kill Klaus completely… Stefan swoops in and saves him. DUN!

This allows Klaus the chance to grab the stake and take out Mikael — who immediately catches fire, so I don’t know why it took so long for Klaus. Maybe Damon didn’t have the strength to stick it in hard enough? (The twelve year old in me just snickered uncontrollably. Sorry.)

RIP, Sebastian Roche. You were pretty bad ass while you lasted. As a reward for his loyalty, Klaus frees Stefan from his compulsion, and Damon makes a break for it while they’re distracted.

Meanwhile, Tyler checks in with Caroline, who’s just waking up and not happy. She doesn’t know how to be with him when half his heart belongs to Klaus. But Tyler finally explains that he’s okay with being under his sire’s thumb because it’s freed him from being under the moon’s power; he never has to change again unless he wants to. He asks her to stand by him and it’s really very sad, because he’s totally got his heart in his hands and she just… can’t. I don’t really blame her, but damn. I want these two to work it out. FEELINGS!

Chez Salvatore: Elena and Damon pow wow about the colossal failure that just went down. They accounted for all the contingencies — even the hybrids and Mikael turning on them! But not this. Damon is taking it hard, so Elena gives him a pep talk to calm him down, telling him to trust her — in a nice echo of their earlier scene — and promising they’ll get through this.

It’s all very intense with the eye contact and the face touching and whatnot. Damon tells her they’re never getting Stefan back now, and instead of her usual denials, she says they’ll have to let him go. Unexpected!

Damon’s reaction, to his credit, is more heartbreak than triumph. (And hot. Don’t forget hot.)

But wait! We’re not done yet!

For the last twist of the evening, Katherine calls on her way out of town. She and Damon have a cordial good bye… and then the camera pulls back to show Stefan in the passenger seat. DOUBLE DUN! It seems that earlier when Klaus confronted “Elena” at the party, he passed along a more specific warning: if anything happened to him, his hybrids were under orders to kill Damon.

So Katherine revived Stefan where he’d been left after Mikael drained him and put the choice in his hands: let things go through as planned but lose Damon forever, or stop him to save him but lose the chance to kill Klaus. Stefan (and I) don’t understand why she’d be willing to give up her shot at being free of Klaus just to save Damon, but Katherine claims that she did it because she does love Damon and also prefers Stefan with his humanity.

Which… okay, girlfriend, meet me at camera three. Listen, you know I love you, Katherine. But really? Because humanity!Stefan is a wet blanket pain in the ass. No one could possibly like him better! Evil!Stefan is snarky and has multiple facial expressions and doesn’t actually bother to pretend he enjoys anything about high school! Come on, now.

In any case, as foreshadowed, it was Stefan‘s humanity which ruined the plan. Oh, irony! He claims he doesn’t want to “let it in” after everything he’s done, but Katherine wants him to get mad and get even. How?

Oh, by kidnapping all the coffins containing the rest of Klaus’ family. Delightful! For me, I mean. Not so much for Klaus:

This is why you should never enslave your only friends, try to kill their girlfriends, threaten their brothers, and force them to go on months long killing sprees, folks. They just get all pissy about it later on.

(Also? Now that is how you do a chess game, Stephenie Meyer. Was it good for you guys too?)

CARLY: You know what, you can dress this up all you want, and you can try and blame this all on me. Sonny is the one who chased Jax all around town with a gun, fired off the gun in Robin’s living room, and then sabotaged the plane Jax was on!
ALEXIS: Because you drove him to it!
CARLY: No, I didn’t, Alexis. Brenda did. Do you remember her? Yeah. And then she took off with Jax. She pissed Sonny off, she hurt his pride so bad that Sonny decided to kill Jax. [to Sonny] Do you not remember that? Are you not going to admit to that? Because your fan club is standing here waiting to hear all about it. See, they don’t see you for who you really are, because then they might have to admit that they have the hots for some guy — some criminal – who doesn’t give a damn about anybody other than himself.

It is AMAZING to me that we have suddenly gotten to the point where Alexis “You bring death wherever you go” Davis is having to be reminded by Carly (Carly!) — of all people — who and what Sonny really is. She showed more anger tonight than she did when she thought Jax was dead because Sonny had killed him! I just… what? Why?

Of course, this is Port Charles, where lies of omission are somehow worse than murder, and where it would apparently have been better for Carly to tell her kids that Jax was alive even though she wasn’t then (and still isn’t now) really sure that’s even the truth:

SONNY: See what you did, Carly? He could have died tonight.
CARLY: I’m not going to fight with you here, okay? I’m not going to do it!
SONNY: Why can’t you admit what you did? Say you were wrong for lying!
CARLY: Okay, as soon as you admit that you tried to kill Jax. And as soon as you swear on our kid’s life that you’ll never do it again!
[..]
SONNY: You think Michael’s ever going to forgive you? He’s not. Because he’s done with you. And so am I.

Oh, obviously. I mean,  this is the same kid who took approximately 1.5 seconds to forgive Sonny for getting him shot in the head, but held a grudge against his mother for the better part of a year for daring to get pregnant while he was in the resulting coma. (Can you believe the nerve of that bitch?) And this is the same kid who never even bothered to forgive his father for trying to kill Jax in the first place… but only because he didn’t think Sonny had done anything that needed to be forgiven.

So of course Michael will probably carry this grudge until the day he dies. Because he is an AWFUL human being.

By the way, I would quote some of Kate’s contributions to this debacle as well, but I’m afraid that if I listened to it enough times to transcribe the unbelievable bullshit spewing out of her mouth, my brain would explode from indignation. Just assume it was also the worst.

The only amusing thing about this entire train wreck was watching the random extras milling around in the background of the MetroCourt. Who were they supposed to be? Do you think they were confused, or is this old hat by now to Port Charles’ nameless other half?

(“Well, honey, that weird casino is closed again, and that Italian restaurant was shot up again, so it looks like there’s only one place open for New Year’s.”

“But every time we go to a party at that hotel, someone’s taken hostage or there’s a screaming catfight in the lobby!”

“I know, just eat fast and maybe in the inevitable confusion, we’ll be able to sneak out on our bill.”)

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Port Charles, Liz and Doctor Abs spent some quality time literally staring at the ceiling, Anthony “hilariously” tried to force himself on Tracy some more, Ethan and his mute girlfriend passed each other coffee cup notes, and absolutely no one who has ever watched a second of this show before was on the edge of their seats to find out if Jason and Michael would survive.

Honestly, you guys? At this rate, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to hold out long enough for the OLTL cavalry to get here.

General Hospital 2011

STEVE: You might not know this, but the only thing I love more than skiing is sing-alongs!
BUS DRIVER: Yeah, I’m just gonna drive over a cliff and put us all out of our misery.
AUDIENCE: Please do.

KRISTINA: It sure is amazing how every single passenger managed to get thrown completely clear of a bus that went over a cliff with only bumps and bruises to show for it!
RANDOM RED SHIRT FRIEND: Um, about that…
KRISTINA: No! Not whatshername!

ELIZABETH: Why, Jason! What a coincidence to run into you out of the blue just when I need someone to watch the not so secret love child I’d almost forgotten we shared!
JASON: Yes, quite a coincidence and not at all a ham-fisted attempt at foreshadowing.
ELIZABETH: What?
JASON: Nevermind, just give me the kid. We’ve got speed bonding to do.

TERRELL: So, let me get this straight: you want me to quit my job immediately, move across the country, and seduce one of my new co-workers… so that you can steal her husband.
LISA: That about sums it up, yes.
TERRELL: Why would any sane person do that?
LISA: Because then you and I can be together! Obviously. I can’t believe I’m even having to spell this out for you. It makes that much sense.
TERRELL: Works for me!

NIKOLAS: It’s not weird at all that someone of my status and financial means needs to hire an escort to go to parties. And who could be more well-groomed than you, Brook Lynn?
BROOK LYNN: *stuffs food in mouth* Exactly! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a cat fight with your baby momma!

FRONS: We need to cut some dead weight. Who can we spare… Spinelli? No, he’s a merchandising gold mine! Lisa? Fan favorite! Abby? Never cut a stripper, that’s my golden rule. Are there any Quartermaines left alive?
GUZA: Not really…
FRONS: Damn. But nobody likes that Elizabeth chick, right?
TEN THOUSAND ANGRY FAN LETTERS: Um…
FRONS: HAHAHA… just kidding. It needs to be someone with no strong ties to the canvas. We’ll get rid of Nikolas and Jax instead.

CLAIRE WALSH: On a completely unrelated note… so, um, I’m still here, I guess. Just hanging around. Collecting a paycheck.
AUDIENCE: We can see that. But why?
CLAIRE WALSH: No idea.
WRITERS: Search us.

PATRICK: Okay, enough fooling around, Johnny. Surely by now even you can see that Lisa’s a menace!
JOHNNY: She’s a harmless pussycat, just like my sweet, dead sister! And yes, I’m sleeping with her because she reminds me of Claudia. And no, that’s not weird and creepy.
AUDIENCE: What the fuck is wrong with you?

EDWARD: Ethan, I’d like to pay you — the con man who came to town hoping to use my dead grandaughter’s memory to scam my family for money — a million dollars to stay married to the great-grandaughter I barely know. You know, for the good of the family.
ETHAN: Hey, sure. Not like I have anything better to do. Maya?
MAYA: *looks around for her self-respect* I was sure I had some when I came to town…

MOLLY: Surviving that bus crash gave me PTSD!
SHAWN: What a coincidence! Surviving that war gave me PTSD!
MOLLY: Really? I’ve been dealing with it by interviewing all my many mentally unstable family members. How about you?
SHAWN: Oh, the usual: became the henchman for an international crime lord.
MOLLY: I think you’ll find you’ve come to the right town, then.

MICHAEL: I know I’ve been really subtle about hiding it, but… turns out I was raped in prison after all. Surprise!
EVERYONE IN TOWN: WE KNOW.
MICHAEL: Thank goodness for my awesome girlfriend! She was nice enough to get attacked and sexually assaulted as well just so I could feel like a man again!
ABBY: Um, you’re welcome?

DANTE: Look, you’ve only got one kid who actually likes you. Shouldn’t he be your best man?
SONNY: I just don’t understand why you don’t want to do it.
AUDIENCE: Really? Because you sort of shot him point blank in the chest less than a year ago, so…
DANTE: Yeah, you’d think that was it. But it’s actually because of my secret love for Brenda.
AUDIENCE: OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

CARLY: I would never hurt Sonny the way Brenda would! That’s why I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I tell him about her secret love child with his son on his wedding day.
DIANE: If you really want to spare him pain, wouldn’t it be better to tell him in private… you know, before he gets to the altar?
CARLY: Where’s the fun in that?

THE BALKAN: At last I can reveal my secret wife and partner in crime!
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: Yes, it is I, Brenda’s beloved mentor and friend! Bet you didn’t see that coming. Mostly, you know, because it’s ludicrous.
THE BALKAN: Nonsense, my dear! What else could we have done when our son disappeared other than embark on a three year long con implanting you in his ex-girlfriend’s life under the guise of running an international charity organization while I terrorized her from afar?
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: Well, you’re a crime lord. Maybe we could have just kidnapped her and tortured her for the truth three years ago?
THE BALKAN: Clearly, this is why I’m the brains of this operation. Now, go ineffectually sabotage her wedding some more while I plan an unnecessarily complex kidnapping.

BRENDA: Well, it’s been 17 long years, but we’re finally getting married, Sonny! Nothing can stop us now!
CARLY: Um, about that…
BRENDA: Fine! I’ll confess my final TERRIBLE SECRET! Sonny, I know you can never forgive me for the monstrous betrayal of having briefly pretended to have a baby with the son none of us knew you had at the time. I’m unworthy to lick your noble mobster feet. I’ll just go crawl into a hole and die somewhere from the shame of it all.
SONNY: Wow. Okay, this is really weird for me? But I think I need to be the adult in the room. I don’t care about your stupid secret. Let’s do this thing!
AUDIENCE: It’s weird for us too, Sonny.
LULU: Well, I care. We’re through, Dante. Again. Some more.
AUDIENCE: FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

AUDIENCE: Wow, was that wedding… actually entertaining? And no one’s even been shot!
LIMO: *explodes*
SONNY: Why does this keep happening to my wives?
GUZA: See what I did there? SEE!?

THE BALKAN: And now, at last we meet face to face, Brenda–
BRENDA: We’ve met, actually. You’re my attorney. Remember?
THE BALKAN: Yes, but now we’re in my secret cave lair! And no one will come looking for you, because I put Sam in the car in your place!
BRENDA: But… DNA tests, and how can you even be sure her face wouldn’t be recognizable, and anyway, you seriously couldn’t have come up with an easier way to talk to me than this?
THE BALKAN: Fool. Proof. Plan.
SONNY: Yeah, not so much.
THE BALKAN: Curses! Foiled again!

SHAWN: Sure, I helped The Balkan kidnap Brenda, but only because I thought he wanted to have a nice tea party with her. I would never be involved with actual bad crime!
JASON: That’s the kind of fuzzy moral logic that will serve you well in this organization. More importantly… I really need to outsource Carly babysitting duty so I can make my old lady happy.
SHAWN: Is it okay if I spend months giving her really mixed signals while having the same three conversations over and over again?
JASON: Like I said, you’re going to fit in just fine.

ELIZABETH: Aiden looks so much like Lucky!
NIKOLAS: Well, you know, we are brothers, so that kind of makes sense…
ELIZABETH: LALALALALA–I can’t hear you!
SIOBHAN: I’m about to be deported!
LUCKY: Let’s get married!
LUKE: All love is a sham, Cowboy. Just be miserable and alone like me. It’s easier.
ELIZABETH: Wait, Lucky might be finding happiness with someone else? Damn. Guess I’m interested again…

JOHNNY: All right, ladies. I’ve set up a treasure hunt for you! If Robin wins, she gets the proof that Lisa tried to kill her… um, somehow. Actually I’m not really clear on how the syringe would prove anything after all this time. But anyway, if Lisa wins, she gets out from under my thumb forever. Fun, right?
ROBIN: No, seriously. What the fuck is wrong with you?
LISA: Yeah, even I’m starting to think this is messed up.

CARLY: Josslyn’s sick!
JAX: Really? Because she seemed fine about five minutes ago…
CARLY: Well, now she’s dying, okay? And only the donated organs from some other poor child can save her!
ELIZABETH: Oh no! Jake’s been hit by a car!
GUZA: And see what I did there? Suck it, Claire Labine!
AUDIENCE: You are… the worst.

CARLY: Jason, your son is dying. As your best friend I want to be there for you–
JASON: Thanks, Carly. It’s really nice to be able to lean on you for once…
CARLY: –and ask you for his kidney.
ELIZABETH: Oh, you have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

LUCKY: A freak car accident has left my child in a coma and only one of his vital organs can save my cousin’s daughter. If only I knew anyone who had ever been in this exact same situation before and could give me advice!
BOBBIE: Actually, I–
GUZA: Quiet you. Get back in your closet!
MONICA, LAURA, ETHAN: It’s okay, Bobbie. Apparently, we weren’t invited to this story either.

LUCKY: Well, now that Jake’s died and been buried off screen, let’s not waste any more time on petty details like family bonding or grief. What really matters is who accidentally hit him.
ELIZABETH: Yes, of course. It’s strange that I live out in the middle of nowhere. And yet, for some reason, half the town was using my dark, dangerous road as a short cut that night.
CARLY, SONNY, ROBIN, SAM, LUKE, LISA, BALKAN: You’d think it would be hard to run over a four year old without noticing, but somehow one of us managed it.
GUZA: Let’s see. Who would be more awful? Jason’s girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, best friend, or boss? No, that’s not awful enough. What about Jake’s own grandfather, one of the most iconic characters in this show’s history?
AUDIENCE: Yeah, that’s pretty damn awful.
GUZA: Luke it is!

DIANE: In case all this toddler death was getting too depressing for you, Mister Jackal and I have written a book, which we will now narrate to hilarious effect–
AUDIENCE: SHOOT US. SHOOT US NOW.

LUCKY: Hey, Sam.
SAM: Hey, Lucky. Sorry about your father killing your son and all.
LUCKY: Yeah, about that… itty bitty favor to ask: do you think you could make sure your boyfriend doesn’t murder my father?
SAM: Oh, gee. I’d like to help you out there, but Jason’s in an awful lot of pain right now, and you know how he gets. Sometime he just has to kill people!
LUCKY: Right, right. Well, I only raised his kid for him for four freaking years. So I guess he doesn’t really owe me anything. Thanks, anyway.
SAM: I knew you’d understand!

ELIZABETH: This latest DNA test finally proves that Lucky is Aiden’s real father. Third time’s the charm! But I can’t tell him because then he wouldn’t be able to marry Siobhan.
MAXIE: Crazy says what?
ELIZABETH: People can’t be married to one person and have kids with another! That’s just madness!
MAXIE: But don’t you already have a kid together?
ELIZABETH: Look, I think we all know that I’m physically incapable of telling the truth about any of my children’s paternity until enough time has passed that I really look awful when it finally comes out. So let’s just wait this out and let nature take its course.

SAM: Jason’s so sad about Jake! I wish there was something I could do for him.
CARLY: Rebound baby!
SAM: Um, what?
CARLY: You need to get pregnant. Like, ASAP.
SAM: There are so many reasons that would be inappropriate, I don’t even know where to start.
CARLY: Come on! Is it because your babymaker’s broken? Easy! I’ll just carry Jason’s baby for you. It wouldn’t be a problem at all. Really. REALLY. I’ve been dreaming about this for the last fifteen year– Um. I mean, it would be an honor to help a friend.
SAM: But what about the danger of our lifestyle?
CARLY: Don’t be silly! Jake’s death proves once and for all that raising kids in the mob isn’t dangerous. That’s science fact.
SAM: Well, you’re right about that.
AUDIENCE: FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

KRISTINA: If I don’t get into Yale, my life is RUINED FOREVER.
LISA: Hey, little girl. Want some drugs? How about some candy? I have some puppies in the back of my van, too!
KRISTINA: Ooh, puppies!
LISA: Excellent! Step five hundred and twenty-eight of my master plan to destroy Patrick and Robin has fallen into place!
KRISTINA: What?
LISA: Nothing. Take your drugs. I’ll just be over in the corner, sniffing Patrick’s dirty underwear.

THE BALKAN: You’ve betrayed me for the last time, woman!
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: Damn. Hasn’t anyone killed you yet? Never send a mob hit man to do Adrienne Barbeau’s job. *slits his throat like a champ*
AUDIENCE: FINALLY.
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: But my evil plans for Brenda have only just begun!
AUDIENCE: Oh, goddamnit.
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: Brenda, I know that I spent the last three years pretending to be your friend while plotting with my evil husband to destroy you, but you should totally just take my word for it when I tell you this child is the baby you miscarried. Let’s be besties again!
BRENDA: Makes sense to me. We have the same hair color, what more proof do you need? DNA tests are for losers.
SONNY: Once again, I find myself having to be the adult in the room, and once again, it’s really uncomfortable.

BROOK LYNN: Well, it’s been fun? I guess? But now I have to leave.
NIKOLAS: Sure. Fine. Whatever.
BROOK LYNN: You could at least pretend to care.
NIKOLAS: I don’t see why I should have to when the writers never did.
BROOK LYNN: Fair point.

FRONS: Guza’s out! And after only ten years of running the show into the ground! Never say I’m unresponsive to the wishes of the fans.
AUDIENCE: This is the best news since… ever. It can only go up from here, right?
GARIN WOLF: Um, about that…
GUZA: See ya, suckers!

JAX: So, I guess we’re broken up for real this time?
CARLY: Well, you helped your ex by assisting in a law enforcement investigation for a few days. If that’s not a divorceable offense, I don’t know what is.
JAX: I forgave you for sleeping with your ex!
CARLY: And I told you that was a do-over and didn’t count! Jeez!
JAX: You know what? Fuck this shit. I want full custody.

SONNY: Listen, I really think you should get a DNA test for that kid.
BRENDA: FINE. God. You’re like a broken record. Hey, speaking of Lucian, has anyone seen him?
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: Didn’t do it.
SONNY: *side-eyes*

LISA: MWAHAHAHA! My latest dastardly plan to frame Patrick for Robin’s murder is nearly complete!
ROBIN & MAC: You’re busted, crazy!
JOHNNY: Guys, I’m starting to suspect that there’s something not quite right about Lisa…
AUDIENCE: *facepalms*
ANTHONY: We resident homicidal lunatics have to stick together. Wanna create some mayhem?
LISA: I guess that makes as much sense as anything at this point.

SONNY: Honey, we found your son!
BRENDA: That’s not my son.
SONNY: Yeah, about that… funny story. Turns out this is your real kid. And that was just some decoy Suzanne brought to torment you some more. Don’t think about it too hard.
BRENDA: …
CARLY: And the best part is I helped!
BRENDA: OH HELL NO.

STEVE: Lisa’s escaped from police custody and taken the hospital hostage! Time to implement our awesome new security system that makes it impossible for help to arrive or patients to receive proper care!
LISA: Hey, thanks, Steve. Now we’re locked in nice and cozy so you can all spend hours listening to my crazy grievances!
STEVE: I am awesome at my job.

MAC: No! These glass hospital doors are impossible to open.
RONNIE: What about… a rock?
MAC: There’s no other choice! We have to call in the PCPD’s secret weapon.
JASON: Here I am to save the day! Jason Morgan’s on his way!
RONNIE: I really hate this town sometimes.

LISA: –and then in the fifth grade, my teacher gave me an F on my Fatal Attraction book report, just because it was a movie and not a book! Which was totally unfair–
MAXIE: Oh my GOD, do you ever stop talking? I’d rather be shot than listen to this…
LISA: I thought you’d never ask!
SPINELLI: The Jackal shall never let any harm come to his Maxinista! Okay, ow.

ROBIN: We’ve finally seen the last of Lisa! That coma should hold her forever!
PATRICK: Eh, I give it until next sweeps.

LUCKY: Dad, everyone who loves you — except, weirdly, your beloved sister, who I guess I just forgot to call!? — has gathered here today… to give Tony Gear his Emmy reel. Um. I mean, talk about your alcohol problem. Yeah, that’s it.
LUKE: Well, I’ve killed my grandson, hurt and alienated my entire family, become abusive toward my daughter, and abandoned my wife. I think I’ve hit rock bottom. To rehab!
ENTIRE FAMILY: Really?
LUKE: No, not really. See you later, suckers! I’m off to fuck some whores.
AUDIENCE: REALLY?
LUCKY: Screw it. I’m just going to burn the house down. Definitely not going to check if it’s empty first, though. That would be stupid.
SIOBHAN: Crap.

JAX: Look, Carly, we’ve been locked in this custody battle for months now. All I want is for Josslyn to live with me and not have any contact with the local crime element. You could see her any time you wanted!
CARLY: I will fight to the death to keep my infant daughter’s access to the mob!
JAX: Will you please just acknowledge that some bad things have happened to your kids because of Sonny and Jason?
CARLY: I admit nothing!
JAX: *sigh*

ELIZABETH: Gee, Lucky’s pretty depressed about nearly burning his wife to death. *checks calendar* Okay, looks about just enough time has passed for my latest baby secret to come out.
LUCKY: And for once, nobody’s being really unpleasant about it!
NIKOLAS: Speak for yourself, brother.

ETHAN: Maya’s sure been on her mysterious out of town trip for a long time now.
MAYA: Sorry, Ethan. I got a better offer from primetime– Um. I mean, this guy. That I just met. And am totally in love with..
KRISTINA: That’s awful, Ethan. Can I comfort you? With my underage boobs?
ETHAN: No, Kristina! I don’t understand why you keep throwing yourself at me after I told you I wasn’t interested! Hey, want to come for a romantic weekend trip to a tropical island with me while I get a divorce? Just as friend, of course!
SONNY: A thirty year old man on a tropical island with a teenage girl? What kind of monster would do that?
BRENDA: But babe, when you and I met, you were older than he is, and I was barely out of high school–
SONNY: Quiet, honey. This is family business.

MAXIE: Spinelli’s woken up from his surgery!
SPINELLI: Dame, I don’t know any Spinelli. This is Jackal, PI: International Man of Mystery speaking, see?
AUDIENCE: WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?

MICHAEL: I’ve graduated from high school. Finally. And now I’m ready to join the mob!
SONNY: Over my dead body.
EDWARD: What about ELQ?
SONNY: Corporate America? Well, that’s obviously much worse.

MATT: Robin is the worst Chief of Staff this hospital has ever had!
ROBIN: Are you kidding me? There were two shootings, a toxic ball leak, a bus crash, and a lost baby under Steve’s watch. AND he slept with an employee AND she went insane and tried to kill us all.
MATT: Yes, but he never made us color code our schedules!
PATRICK: He’s right, honey. Maybe you could try to be more of a bro? You know, sexually harass a co-worker or something?
ROBIN: You all suck, did you know that?

TYLER CHRISTOPHER: Well, it’s my last scene and I’d kind of like it not to suck.
JONATHAN JACKSON: Write it ourselves?
TYLER CHRISTOPHER: Yeah.
AUDIENCE: *sniff*

CARLY: Sonny, you have to help me with this Jax problem. It turns out that on paper, I actually look like a really horrible mother. Can you believe it?
SONNY: What? That’s crazy! You’re at least as good a parent as I am! So should I kill him quickly or drag it out real slow?
CARLY: No! No killing! He’s still Josslyn’s father. Just, you know… ruin his life a little. In a loving way!

BRENDA: Sonny, I know that when we got back together, you’d already told me how you had shot one of your kids and nearly blown another one up, and kind of put another on in a coma before signing him up for some prison rape–
SONNY: What’s your point?
BRENDA: This Jax business is starting to make me suspect that you may not be the best father material after all. I’m leaving you.
JAX: Want a ride?

LULU: Will daddy love me if I buy a casino for us to run together?
ETHAN: Uh–
LULU: What about if I start working in his favorite whorehouse?
DANTE: Not really sure that’s a great idea–
LULU: What if I drop myself into the clutches of his worst, totally psychopathic enemy?
NIKOLAS: Effing hell, woman! Will you just go to an Al-Anon meeting or talk to a therapist or something like a normal person?

TRACY: Monica! You’re alive!
MONICA: Of course I’m alive. Why wouldn’t I be?
TRACY: Well, it’s just… no one’s seen you for such a long time.
MONICA: Five year long medical conference. Look it up. It’s a thing. But now I’m back and ready to be involved in my family’s lives!
TRACY: I’m just surprised you didn’t come back for Jake’s funeral.
MONICA: Who?
TRACY: Oh, crap.

MAC: I don’t know if it’s such a great idea for you to work this prescription drug theft case, Lucky. You know, given you’re a total drug addict.
LUCKY: But I really want to!
MAC: You make a compelling argument. You got back up?
LUCKY: Just my mentally unstable ex-wife, who’s looking for an escape from her overpowering grief for our recently dead son.
MAC: I was going to suggest Dante, but that sounds like a much better plan. Carry on, then.

SKYE: I’m back! And I’ve managed to somehow lose Alcazar’s entire fortune. Oopsie?
ANTHONY: This is your lucky day! I’m loaded, and I need some blackmail material so I can force your adopted aunt to sleep with me!
TRACY: Well, that’s random.
AUDIENCE: And gross. Don’t forget gross.

SONNY: Losing Brenda is all Jax’s fault! If he hadn’t given her that ride out of town, she’d never have been able to leave! MUST. KILL.
JAX: So, would this be a bad time for me to sneak back into town and kidnap my daughter?
ROBIN: Kind of, yeah. And Sonny, maybe you could stop waiving a gun around my freaking living room?
SONNY: I KILL YOU, JAX! YOU STEAL BRENDA FROM SONNY! Um, I mean, it’s for Josslyn. Totally for Josslyn!
PLANE: *explodes*
SONNY: That was for Josslyn, you wife stealing son of a bitch!
SHAWN: This is getting stupid.
AUDIENCE: Getting?

SIOBHAN: All right, Elizabeth. I know we’ve always been cordial before, but now I suddenly understand that you are the most evil person in the universe.
ELIZABETH: Excuse me?
SIOBHAN: You’re trying to kill me so you can steal my husband! And then you’re going to kill yourself so you can haunt him forever!
ELIZABETH: Um…
SIOBHAN: And don’t bother with your “oh, I’m so sad about my dead son” act — that’s the oldest trick in the book!
ELIZABETH: Did you hit your head in that fire or something?
SIOBHAN: Possibly? I mean the writers never really bothered to clarify, but this is really out of character, right?
ELIZABETH: It is, but we’re still going to cat fight now at the top of some stairs, aren’t we?
SIOBHAN: Oh, yeah. Big time.

WRITERS: You know what this show needs to be great again?
AUDIENCE: Likable characters, stories that honor history, good use of talented actors and actresses, organic story lines–
IDIOTS IN CHARGE: No, stupid! Another car crash story!
AUDIENCE: *slowly beats head against wall*

REAL ELIZABETH: I believe in you, Lucky! And, um, I might have put your wife back in a coma. Bygones?
LUCKY: Whoah, man. I am tripping balls right now.
HALUCINATION ELIZABETH: Is that why I’m wearing curtains?
LUCKY: Probably? Sorry. Also, have you ever really looked at your own hand before? Because I am telling you, it is blowing my mind.
REAL ELIZABETH: Okay, I think that’s about enough of that.

MONICA: Oh my god, Jason needs brain surgery! Maybe he’ll get his old personality back and become a coke addict?
ELIZABETH: Oh my god, Jason needs brain surgery! Maybe if he and I were completely different people, we still would never have been happy together because this show takes every opportunity to give a special “fuck you” to Liason fans!
CARLY: Oh my god, Jason needs brain surgery! Maybe he’ll be my fuck buddy again and uh, Michael will hate us… er, what? Why am I even part of this fantasy storyline again?
SAM: Oh my god, Jason needs brain surgery! What if he goes back to being doctor Jason and isn’t the morally bankrupt killer for hire I know and love?
EVERYONE IN PORT CHARLES: OH MY GOD, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?
WRITERS: Psyche! Nothing is going to happen. Haven’t you watch this show before?

ANTHONY: So you figured out I’m the local drug kingpin, huh? Good thing I’m wearing my menacing evil hat today instead of my wacky comic relief hat.
SIOBHAN: I’m not going to like this hat, am I?
PILLOW: Nope.

ELIZABETH: Everyone thinks I killed Siobhan and it’s totally unfair! Just because I accidentally botched her surgery, and then accidentally pushed her down the stairs, and then accidentally crashed the car while driving her to the hospital, and then was the last person to see her alive… crap. That does sound kind of bad, doesn’t it?
MATT: A little bit. Yeah.
WRITERS: Don’t worry. Soon we’re going to drop this plot completely and never mention it again.
ELIZABETH: Thanks!
WRITERS: Don’t thank us yet. You haven’t seen the story you’re getting instead.
DOCTOR ABS: *waves*

ETHAN: Hey, Lucky. What are you doing?
LUCKY: Just staring at the pills underneath my couch. It’s a lot of fun — you should give it a try.
ETHAN: Thanks, but I haven’t got the time. My schedule’s full of staring at this portrait of your mom. She’s a great listener.
SIOBHAN’S GHOST: Dear Lucky, just in case I’m randomly murdered at some point in the future, I’m writing this letter to tell you my one final wish is for you to leave your kids and run away to Ireland again because… I said so?
ELIZABETH: See! Siobhan wants to keep you from me even in death!
ETHAN: Was Siobhan’s crazy contagious or something?

MAXIE: Good news! I found your engagement ring, Sam! … and then I lost it again. And then found it again! … and lost it again. And–
SAM: Jason, does it seem a little odd to you that we’re putting up with this bullshit?
JASON: A little, yeah. But then, we don’t really like much as a couple other than riding motorcycles, having shoot outs, and eating Chinese food. Hey, maybe we could get married while riding the bikes through a shooting range!
SAM: Um, let’s work with the Chinese food thing instead.

ANTHONY: Wacky comic relief hat back on! But I’m getting kind of bored with hilariously trying to coerce Tracy into having sex with me.
AUDIENCE: THANK GOD.
ANTHONY: I think I’ll spend a lot of time, money, and effort waking up Lisa Niles instead.
AUDIENCE: FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
LISA: Thanks for waking me up! Here’s a rusty nail in the gut for your troubles! And onto Johnny. You were so nice and helpful so I’ll only paralyze you!

MATT: I’ve been published! In an actual journal! Which is obviously the medical equivalent of winning the Nobel peace prize and not at all a routine part of most researchers’ job descriptions. But woe is me, no one will care because everyone only ever cares about Patrick!
PATRICK: Hey, congrats, man.
MATT: God, do you ever stop talking about how awesome you are?
PATRICK: Uh, I’m not. I’m trying to tell you–
MATT: That you think you’re better than me? Yeah, I know! You never stop telling me!
ROBIN: Matt, we are all super proud of–
MATT: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms…
PATRICK: Will you shut the hell up if we throw you a party?

SAM: That Chinese food wedding worked out surprisingly well! And no one was even gunned down at the ceremony!
DANTE: *wheezes* Speak for yourself…
SAM: And our perfect honeymoon in Hawaii has been going on for at least a month with absolutely no lurking menace threatening to ruin our happiness!
CARLY: Guess what? Franco’s baaack! So naturally, I packed my infant daughter to came to crash your honeymoon. That’ll teach you not to answer my phone calls.
SAM: FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
FRANCO: You thought my previous guest spots were awful? Check this out!

OLIVIA: What a great party!
STEVE: Yeah, we’re really proud of Matt.
OLIVIA: Who? Nevermind. Wanna ditch these losers and go get it on in the balmy November New York waters?
STEVE: Did you even have to ask?
PATRICK: Okay, we stroked the baby man’s ego. Let’s go get some nookie!
ROBIN: Sounds good!
MATT to the LAMP: You’re still my friend, right?
LAMP: Don’t count on it.

ELIZABETH: Hey, Lisa! Fancy meeting you here– *splash* Fuck.
ROBIN: Lisa again?
AUDIENCE: We are right there with you.
LISA: Shut up, Robin. I’m going to use the 20th syringe from my magic bag o’ syringes to inject Patrick with your HIV blood! Fool proof plan!
ROBIN: OH HELL NO.
LISA: *splash?*
AUDIENCE: HOORRRAYYY!
PADILLA: We must find out who committed this awful crime! JUSTICE FOR LISA!
AUDIENCE: You have got to be kidding me.
SIOBHAN’S UNAVENGED GHOST: I know, right?

LUCKY: Well, I’ve been sleeping in this Irish graveyard for a month now and nothing’s happened but some creepy music playing in the background. SPEAK TO ME, MAGICAL STONES! What message from beyond the grave did I have to come all this way to hear?
STONES: GO HOME TO YOUR CHILDREN, DEADBEAT!
LUCKY: Such wisdom! Thank you, stones!
AUDIENCE: Did that… really just happen?

LULU: I love Dante, but I can’t tell anyone we’re engaged because he’s a cop and in daaaanger all the time! Nevermind that I’m always involved in the local mob war, my father is an admitted danger junkie, and my brother is a cop, too. I can’t handle the idea that Dante might get shot… Again. Some more.
DANTE: I’m so excited that we’re engaged. Let’s celebrate! Is something wrong?
LULU: No, of course not. *drinks a bottle of wine*
DANTE: Are you sure?
LULU: I think we should break up. Where’s the scotch?
DANTE: …

LUKE: Well, family, I’m back from my therapeutic tour of Europe’s finest brothels! Miss me?
TRACY & ETHAN: Not really, no.
LUCKY: Hello? Dad? Is there anyone else there? A neighbor? The dog? A particularly lush house plant?
LUKE: Nope, just me.
LUCKY: Fine. Just take Aidan to the hospital right this second! Magic stones told me he’s in danger!
LUKE: And you think I’m the one who’s drunk?

MAGGIE: Hey, I heard you all were in need of a new pediatrician.
TERRELL: Wait, what happened to me?
WRITERS: No idea.
MAGGIE: I’m feisty and socially inappropriate and I have a SECRET HISTORY with Steve!
AUDIENCE: Son of a bitch. This again?
MAGGIE: I hate rules and am the only doctor who truly cares about the childrenz. That’s how I saved Aiden’s life! Lollipops and rule breaking. Trufax. I also like to lurk disguised as a HELL CLOWN to spy on my co-workers. What? That is not at all weird.
AUDIENCE: …

LUKE: *singing Chariots of Fire theme song* How amazing is it that I could stay sober long enough to take my biological grandson to the hospital? I’m totally redeemed!
ETHAN: So does this mean you’re done being an asshole now?
LUKE: Have I ever told you about the time I screwed a bunch of hookers while I was married to Laura? Also, how love is a trap to suck your soul out, all women are fragile harpies, and I never wanted kids? Good times.
ETHAN: So… that’s a ‘no’ then?

ELIZABETH: Almost *cough* died *cough* saved by *cough* hot abs…
MATT: You’re cute when you’re delusional.
ELIZABETH: You’re sweet when you’re jealous of heroic body parts.
AUDIENCE: *swoon* A nice, sweet, unexpected, organic relationship? They’re doomed.

SAM: Jason, I just want you to know that Franco raping me is much more painful for you than it is for me.
JASON: JASON SMASH!
AUDIENCE: The only good thing about this story is that it couldn’t possibly get any worse.
SAM: Okay, and now according to Franco I might be pregnant. Fun! Better keep this from Jason since he will lose his shit… again… some more.
JASON: SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
AUDIENCE: Seriously, show? That wasn’t a challenge.

SONNY: So, Alexis. You haven’t had much to do this year.
ALEXIS: That’s not true! I’ve had these… hilarious… hot flashes… Damn.
SONNY: Uh-huh.
ALEXIS: And my breasts looked fantastic at your wedding!
SONNY: No, that’s true. And I’m sure Garin Wolf will write you something great any day now.
ALEXIS: Oh, shut up.
SONNY: How about a I throw you a bone? I’ll blackmail you into being my lawyer again by getting our daughter into college.
ALEXIS: That doesn’t even make sense. Why would I owe you a favor for getting your own daughter into Yale? And why would you need me to be your lawyer anyway?
SONNY: Um, Diane’s quitting law to become a celebrity gossip columnist?
ALEXIS: Oh, for fuck’s sake.

KRISTINA: Okay, I’m off to Yale! Kind of weird that I was admitted mid-semester, but I need an excuse to go away so I can get all grown up and sexy enough to finally hook up with Ethan.
ETHAN: Oh yeah, about that…
LADY IN WHIIIIIIIITE: *waves*
AUDIENCE: Fascinating!
WRITERS: Really?
AUDIENCE: No, not really.

ROBIN: So, you know how Lisa kind of screwed with my meds last year? Surprise! The writers do too! I know. It’s weird. Anyway, it somehow caused my real meds to stop working and I think I’m going to die.
JASON: Oh no, what are you going to do?
ROBIN: Run away. Obviously, it will be better for Patrick and Emma to think that I don’t give a damn about them and leave without warning than to give them a chance to grieve and cherish our last moments together.
JASON: Okay, I’m brain damaged and emotionally stunted and even I know that makes absolutely no sense.
AUDIENCE: If Robin abandons her family, we are going to cut someone…

MICHAEL: Well, Abby’s dead.
SAM: Mob hit? Stripper killer?
MICHAEL: No. Crane.
SAM: …
JASON: Was Franco driving the crane?
MICHAEL: No, a crane just randomly dropped on her head.
JASON: …
MICHAEL: Look it up. It’s a thing.

LULU: Do you promise not to die ever, ever, ever?
DANTE: Um…
LULU: If you do, will you come back as Zombie!Dante and still love me?
DANTE: Um…
LULU: PROMISE!
DANTE: Uh, okay. Sure.
LULU: Okay, then we can be engaged again. For realz this time.
DANTE: Great! Let’s get married in an hour!
LULU: Uh…
DANTE: Don’t you love me?
LULU: Okay fine, but we need to have the most important people in our lives here – Olivia and eight million random Falconeris.
LAURA, TRACY, MAXIE, MOST OF PORT CHARLES: Thanks a fucking lot, show.

LUCKY: I’ve suddenly realized that there is no worse fate than being in love with Elizabeth Webber.
ELIZABETH: Uh, thanks?
LUCKY: Kids, I know it seems like I’m leaving on Christmas Eve to go find myself because I’m a selfish ass who runs when the going gets rough, but the truth is… it’s either this or go to my sister’s wedding. What choice do I have? I mean, really?
CAMERON: What a dick.
AUDIENCE: Seriously.
ELIZABETH: Damnit. I just don’t understand how faking a mental breakdown didn’t save my family!
DOCTOR ABS: I don’t understand how I’ve only had two scenes but I’m already a less ethical therapist than Lainey.

MICHAEL: WHY? Why does everything, including Abby’s random death, have to be all about me? It is so hard on ME that Abby’s parents suck and that her entire life was pretty much a reason for me to get to demonstrate what a caring person I am. Life is so hard for a Corinthos, you know?
SONNY: Tell me about it! Actually, don’t, because that would waste valuable time when I could be talking about my tortured childhood.
KATE: Oh, Sonny. Am I really the only woman you’ve ever been with who’s been able to see the wounded little boy inside of you?
SONNY: *coughs* Um, yeah. Totally. Can I hug you? With my penis?
AUDIENCE: *throws up*

DANTE: So, any progress on figuring out who shot me yet?
PADILLA: You’re only asking me that because I’m a woman! I will not be disrespected!
DANTE: So… no, then?
PADILLA: *unbuttons her shirt* Hah! You men are all the same — all you think about is sex! Well, here. Take what you want!
DANTE: *backs away slowly*

MICHAEL: You know what this New Years Eve celebration is missing? A temper tantrum.
LULU: Actually, I think we’ve had plenty of those lately–
JASON: JASON SMASH?
SAM: Not now, dear.
MICHAEL: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! MY MOM IS A BITCH!
ENTIRE TOWN OF PORT CHARLES: *backs away slowly*
SONNY: Awesome. How can I make this all about me? Oh yeah — Carly, I am outraged that you wouldn’t share your flimsy suspicions that the husband I tried to murder might not be dead! Outraged, I say!
AUDIENCE: Happy… New Year? We’d say next year couldn’t possibly be worse, but that kind of talk usually gets us into trouble.
RON CARLIVATI: *backs away slowly* I’ve made a huge mistake.

12 days of depression

11 contrived vehicle crashes

10 moronic mob wars

9 ladies screetching

8  actor exits

7 pissing contests

6 misogynist slurs

5 boring murder mysteries

4 awful retcons

3 screaming men

2 half-assed weddings

and 1 maybe rape baby.

Merry Christmas?