Previously on Vampire Diaries: Everyone died and came back to life! Except Bonnie and Damon. They’re totally dead. I’m sure we’ll never see them again.
Season six, people! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. We’re doing shorter recaps this year, because frankly, the longer ones were exhausting and this show is just not doing it for me anymore.
We check in with our heroes four months after all the Other Side shenanigans, and they’re still working through their various Bonnie and Damon feels. Except Elena! She’s just fine and dandy because she’s pulling a full on Bella Swan, and now spends her days doing drugs, hallucinating Damon, and eating people.
(Remember when Elena was actually likeable and had a moral backbone and did things other than mope about Damon? Those were good times.) Read more…
1. REVEEEEEEENGE! I hope you all are ready for a cracktastic season, because I’m pretty sure that’s what we’re getting. So let’s get right into it: It’s been six long months in the land of Revenge, which means everyone’s had plenty of time to make bad life choices. Specifically, bad fashion choices.
NOT THIS SUIT. THIS SUIT IS AMAZING.
No, I mean, the hair. WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH NOLAN’S TRAGIC HAIR? (Also: David Clarke’s tragic beard, Jack’s tragic lack of beard, Margaux’s tragic… everything? There was a lot of tragedy happening in this episode, folks.) Read more…
It’s been a rough couple of days in Port Charles. Franco was on screen for large portions of time, not telling Michael that Sonny murdered AJ, i.e. the one and only thing that could possible make him relevant.
Jordan was on screen, waving a gun around and not using it to shoot Shawn, even though she practically had an engraved invitation to do so.
GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???
Shawn — whose job description is literally MAFIA HITMAN — was on screen, not getting hit with lightning while complaining that Ava is a “cold-blooded killer” and “a piece of work” because she didn’t agree to be kidnapped like a nice girl. I’m actually not sure which was more funny/enraging — the above dialog, or Sonny berating him afterward for failing to shoot the woman he’s sleeping with so he could deliver the woman carrying Sonny’s child/grandchild for execution.
(Trick question: both things made me want to rage cry until I blacked out from how much I hate both these characters.) Read more…
So, Crichton-Clark has no more and the final score is: two Cassadines down, one not actually a Cassadine after all, and the most fabulous Cassadine — along with her fabulous gams — back among the living.
VICTOR’S AMAZING STYLIST STRIKES AGAIN
Although considering Stavros has now “died” a BAZILLION times, if I were Dante, I would have spent a little less time hugging my wife and a little more time giving him a triple tap to the head followed by a bullet in every major organ, burning the body, and scattering the ashes to the four corners. But if soap characters ever stopped to really make sure the bodies of super-villains were dead dead, 99.9% of the plot would never happen. Read more…
Anyone familiar with my love of both scenery chewing and camp could probably predict my reaction to the return of Stavros Cassadine. (Spoiler alert: that reaction was excited seal clapping.)
The man is kind of like a bag of Sour Patch Kids, you know? Sure, if you eat the whole thing, your mouth is going to hurt. But a little bit of him admonishing other people for being melodramatic while giving a speech about impregnating his ice princess with her own stolen embryo is just the perfect sugary hit you need.
Robert Kelker-Kelly is a national treasure, you guys. Even if he did make the poor decision to shave his goatee of evil. And he’s clearly inspiring everyone around him, judging by Dominic Zamprogna’s hilariously over the top screaming as Lulu received her hormone injection. Read more…
I’m trying to ease myself back into posting more regularly, but it’s tough, y’all. So have a recap:
Emma and Spencer are continuing their breakfast chat. Because Port Charles is a magical place where schools don’t start until noon, leaving all second graders with plenty of time for leisurely impromptu restaurant trips. He thinks he knows who’s trying to hurt her family.
Close by, Sam is interrogating a delightfully clean shaven Patrick about why he didn’t mention the business card they found in Rafe’s things. (He looks easily ten years younger without the beard, right? That’s not just me?)
Anna’s office: the lady in question helpfully recaps the situation for us while on the phone with a worried Mac. The Port Charles Press, by the way, is sporting this magnificent cover photo: Read more…
It’s not exactly a shock to finally get confirmation that Billy Miller is coming on as Jason recast. Both because, duh, of course he is. But now that it’s official, I’d like it noted for the record that there are about a million characters I’d rather see recast than the guy who literally ate the show for 20 years straight.
(Hello, Dillon? Serena? Lucky Spencer, who has now abandoned his kids, missed both his parents’ weddings, never met his new nephew, and whose sister has just been kidnapped for the third time in the last two years alone? LUCKY, STOP DICKING AROUND AFRICA, ALREADY. GOD.)
So, our brief, Jason-less holiday is apparently over. Now the only question is whether or not Miller will have the right chemistry with his many, many love interests — Sonny, Sam, Elizabeth, Carly, Robin — all of whom are currently otherwise occupied. (And don’t get me wrong, I would basically chew off my own arm to get Liz away from Nik and his tragic hair, but it would be kind of typical if she and Jason finally got a good love story with him as an effing recast.) Read more…