Previously on Vampire Diaries: Tyler massacred a corn maze, Stefan raised his douche meter to a thousand, and Bonnie wrecked the only thing I liked about this season.
Elena’s shocked to learn that Damon’s alive, but still refuses to let Alaric lift the compulsion, reasoning that her life has been much less of a garbage pail without Damon in it. She’s not wrong.
Damon takes this news with his customary maturity and respect for his girlfriend’s decisions — by which I mean he spends most of the episode whining to Stefan, bitching at Alaric, and stalking her. Read more…
1. I’d like to say this post was delayed due to my intense distress over certain Nolan developments. But the truth is that it’s just been a busy week. My bad.
Nevertheless: MY POOR BABY, NOLAN! That was heartbreaking in about ten thousand ways, starting with how happy and proud he was that David sought him out and wanted his support, and ending with that devastating line comparing him to his real — also abusive — father.
All right, David Clarke: I put up with you trusting Victoria for no reason and against all evidence. I tolerated you talking way too long to even see Nolan. I accepted that maybe after being wrongfully imprisoned and… whatever else you’ve been doing for last ten years, you’ve legitimately forgotten what your own daughter’s face looked like. Read more…
You know, usually when Michael starts making his self-righteous murder face, my hand starts itching to slap him. It’s kind of Pavlovian? Self-righteous Michael is just usually one of the least-flattering flavors of Michael.
But oh, my friends. THIS WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES.
It’s been eight months to the day since Sonny shot AJ in cold blood and I’m feeling a lot of feelings, y’all. Feelings that can best be conveyed in visual form:
Previously on Vampire Diaries: Damon ate a pregnant lady.
Vampire Ivy has been giving Stefan a little too much realness about all the ways in which he’s ruined her life. So he stuffs her in a trunk and drops her off at Caroline and Elena’s cavernous dorm room so the former can provide some free babysitting. As you do.
Unfortunately, Ivy sees right through both of Caroline’s weakness — love of Stefan and Scrabble — and pretty much immediately makes an escape.
Meanwhile, this week’s weird local event is a quaint annual Whitmore tradition involving a Woman in White. Because what college wouldn’t want the liability of drunk undergraduates wandering unsupervised at night through haunted corn maze? Read more…
Remember a few months ago when Sonny had just cheated on Dante’s mother with Morgan’s girlfriend over his guilt at killing Michael’s father, and it really seemed possible that all of Sonny’s sons would soon be united in hating him at the same time? That was a nice fantasy.
MORGAN: This whole time, Ava knew that you shot AJ, and she was using that to protect herself for when you found out that she killed Connie.
SONNY: She played me, but I fell for it, Morgan. Do you understand?
MORGAN: You’ve been dealing with this all alone. And all I’ve done is make things harder for you.
No, you didn’t just have a stroke. Morgan really did just apologize for having the temerity to be angry when his father knocked his girlfriend up and then tried to kill her. THAT REALLY HAPPENED. At this rate, Michael will find out the truth and be planning father/son outings by the end of the week. Read more…
1. Apparently the answer to “how are they going to fill the remaining episodes this season?” is DRAG EVERYTHING OUT IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE.
So, that was a total garbage episode, right? That’s not just me? Because I am seriously struggling to even come up with five different things to say when all of my feelings are a variation on throwing my hands up in the air and shouting “THIS IS SO DUMB, OMG.”
EVEN NOLAN IN ANOTHER BLUE SUIT
COULDN’T SAVE IT
Look, I have swallowed a lot of implausible stuff without a qualm on this show, but the one thing I require is internal consistency. That means characters have to do things for reasons that actually make sense within the framework of the world they’re presenting — which is basically the opposite of everything that happened here. Read more…
Previously on Vampire Diaries: Bonnie kicked ass and took names. Damon approved.
Turns out the fake 1994 time loop is an elaborate witch prison that was specifically constructed for Kai, aka Malakai, who’s actually a squib who can suck magic out of other witches. Kind of like Rogue from the X-Men? Also, he murdered a bunch of his siblings, and if Bonnie and Damon help him escape, he’s going to go home to slaughter the rest of his coven.
EVEN WORSE: HE CREEPS ON BONNIE
But before all that comes out, we take a flashback detour into real 1994 to see “the worst thing Damon’s ever done.” According to Damon, that was: killing Uncle Nephew Zach’s pregnant girlfriend and a bunch of party guests in a fit of pique when Stefan wouldn’t run way with him. Because of course he did. WHY CAN THIS SHOW NEVER LET ME ENJOY DAMON IN PEACE? Read more…