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Dumb and dumber.

July 29, 2014

It’s so hard keeping track of the mob hierarchies on this show. There’s the good mobsters, who kill people and do non-specified illegal things — but not drugs! And the gray area mobsters, who kill people and deal cocaine while feeling bad about it — but not heroin!

And of course, the bad mobsters — who kill people and also lace their cocaine with secret heroin, because that seems like a winning business model.

Julian kills Mickey

And it would be one thing if any of them were remotely competent. But… let’s just say that last week, Sonny literally had to stop Shawn from shooting a helicopter down over the hospital. While they were standing right beneath it. That was a thing that actually happened.

Meanwhile, Julian gave Mickey an ultimatum and was shocked — SHOCKED, I SAY — when he retaliated against Julian’s loved ones. I mean, it’s not like the exact same thing happened the last time he stood up to his boss. (I hate what they’re doing with Julian right now. I hate it so much. Not only is he lying to Alexis in really unforgivable ways, but he’s doing it in the service of a plot that continuously requires him to be a complete idiot.) Read more…

All boring characters go to heaven.

July 16, 2014

Finally, an entire episode without Sonny, Carly, or Franco! I’m celebrating with a recap.

We open on Nikolas dropping Spencer off at camp. Spencer’s bummed about Alice, who was teaching him a sleeper hold, so Nik promises he’ll take him to see her if he’s good for the substitute counselor. Does this camp seriously only have one employee? Way to cheap out, Quartermaines. The rest of Lila’s understaffed kids are currently mobbing said new counselor, who is… Britt! Looking fabulous with a haircut and a purple t-shirt, I might add.

Britt the counselor

Morgan — filling this episode’s shirtless man quota — sits at the Brownstone, paging sadly through pictures of him and the Dominator arm wrestling. Okay, I’ll admit: that’s funny. Kiki comes down in her tiny sleep shorts and tries to comfort him.

Michael and Tracy fight over who should break the news to Alice that she’s not getting Rafe’s heart. Um, here’s a crazy thought: maybe her actual doctor should do it? Read more…

Please tell me we’re hitting rock bottom soon.

July 15, 2014

So many things about this show are baffling me right now. I can only assume the process that came up with the latest “shocking” “twist” went something like this:

WRITER ONE: Well, I’m fresh out of ideas.
WRITER TWO: Don’t look at me, I came up with the serial killer counselling sick kids.
WRITER THREE: How about another  BJ’s heart rip-off? That never gets old.
WRITER ONE: We can’t kill another baby. People get all weird about it for some reason.
WRITER TWO: Easy! We’ll just use two characters they really love.
WRITER ONE: Oh! I’ve got it. Are you ready for this? Alice. And Rafe.
WRITER TWO: Wow. You’re a genius.
WRITER THREE: Nailed it.

I mean, at a certain point, we were bound to hit a point of diminishing returns with the BJ’s heart knock-offs. I just didn’t expect to hit it quite this soon, you know? Read more…

Studies in boredom, part II: half-week in review

July 2, 2014

ROSALIE: Good morning, Doctor Buttface. I see you didn’t die in your sleep. Pity.
SILAS: Why am I still paying you, again?
NINA: Contrivance, mostly. Say, do you like my eyeliner? I put it on at extra strength evil.

MORGAN: Kiki, now that you’re here, this multi-million dollar construction project will be done in no time!
LEVI: Not if I have anything to say about it, mate.
MORGAN: You’re protesting a home remodel? [*actual dialog]
MICHAEL: Listen, gentrification is an important and complex issue in urban communities–
LEVI: Corporate greed! Meat is murder! Fight the power! Social justice stereotype!
MICHAEL: You’re just… shouting random buzzwords at me now, aren’t you? Read more…

The enemy of my enemy, and all that.

June 25, 2014

Guys, I’m sorry about the lack of posts lately. Watching the show continues to be a struggle for me, mostly because I kind of hate everyone? (Well, everyone except Nate’s abs. LOOK, I’M NOT A MONSTER.)

But if there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to make me like a character who’s either annoying or in possession of extremely stupid hair (or in Morgan’s case, BOTH) it’s that character bagging on someone I hate even more:

Morgan hates Franco

MORGAN: I don’t get that relationship. I never will.
MICHAEL: Yeah, well, don’t look to me to defend them.
MORGAN: Yeah, but it’s not just like me and Franco, we don’t get along — like, the guy’s a freaking serial killer. How can she be with him?

Which is why I can’t believe I’m saying this, but: WORDY McWORD, MORGAN.

This entire conversation was basically gold, with Morgan practically straining something rolling his eyes while Michael weakly trotted out all the same old excuses, like even Chad Duell couldn’t believe he’d reached a point where his actual dialog amounted to: “he’s only technically responsible for my violent prison rape” and “a brain tumor did it!” Read more…

Studies in boredom.

June 15, 2014

Maybe I’m a soulless monster, but I just can’t bring myself to be sorry that Patrick and Sabrina’s baby is dead. I know there have been way too many dead children on this show in recent years. But I also know how annoying Patrick and Sabrina are together. (Hint: really, really annoying.) So if this means they’re not tied together forever, I’m all for it.

None of that makes watching scenes of Sabrina babbling in her wedding dress or teary-eyed Jason Thompson for the umpteenth time in the last two years actually entertaining, though. Pretty much the only part I’ve enjoyed was this:

Elizabeth comforts Patrick

ELIZABETH: When I had to tell Cameron that his little brother was gone, I completely fell apart. Fortunately, I had Lucky there with me.
PATRICK: Well, I don’t have Robin.
ELIZABETH: I know you don’t. But you have me. I can help you through this.
PATRICK: I can’t ask you to do that–
ELIZABETH: I want to.

(It says something about how much I hate the idea of Elizabeth with either of her current romantic options that I would seriously consider putting her with Patrick to be a lesser evil at this point. It’s probably not going to happen, but I still love seeing their friendship remembered.) Read more…

FauxLuke explains it all.

June 1, 2014

If by “all” you mean “a bunch of crap we already knew.” And by “explains” you mean “drearily monologues for an entire episode.”

We did learn one new thing — apparently, FauxLuke has been waiting for an opportunity to grab real Luke for years. Not sure what was stopping him from stepping in all those other times Luke’s dropped off the map, but okay.

FauxLuke

Of course, FauxLuke also claims to have been studying Luke’s life all that time too… but somehow missed details like Luke calling Tracy “Spanky” or the fact that the Outback has been gone for a decade. Basically, FauxLuke is terrible at his job. Read more…

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