Is this show more depressing than reality? You decide!

Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.

At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.

hayden-dying

it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed.

Jordan and Andre are at the MetroCourt talking about how both of them need to go to Morgan’s funeral. Which is obviously why they’re at a restaurant while all the other mourners are arriving at the church already. I guess they’re planning to be fashionably late? Julian wanders over to ask why Jordan isn’t just arresting Sonny for the hit, since everyone knows he’s guilty. Uh oh. Did anyone else feel that anvil just whiz by?

At the church, Jax gives Sonny sincere condolences about Morgan, which Sonny accepts with surprising grace. By which I mean that they share the most awkward physical interaction between two men with barely concealed loathing for each other since this happened.

jax-sonny-hug

just lie back and think of England, Jax

Since he knows Sonny can’t possibly be happy to see him, Jax immediately figures out Sonny’s got a gun tucked in his pants. Oops.

Kristina accuses Carly of bringing Jax to the funeral to punish Sonny. Because when Krissy goes full apologist, she goes FULL APOLOGIST. Carly gently points out that Jax is there to support his daughter, who was also Morgan’s brother. She does not also smack the sanctimony off Kristina’s face, because apparently Carly is in a better mood than I am right now.

Outside the church, MOLLY GOT A CUTE HAIRCUT, Y’ALL! This is very exciting for me, because I hate the uniform look of all tv women’s hair over the last decade and long for cute bobs to make a resurgence.

mollys-cute-hair

DAVIS HAIR REPRESENT

Anyway, Molly is hoping this is all just a nightmare she’s about to wake up from. Me too, Molly! Oh, she means Morgan, not US politics. Alexis wants to know where Jason is. Sam says he has business to take care of. Which means he’s interrogating the broker responsible for the hit on Julian because GOD FORBID we ever let Sonny feel bad about something for more than five minutes.

This effing show.

Elizabeth explains that because Baker was never convicted of raping her, her victim impact statement didn’t hold as much weight. He’ll soon be staying with his brother in Port Charles. Franco promises that he won’t let him hurt her again. I’m so glad they’ve decided to combine one of the best rape stories this show ever did with one of the worst!

anna-and-dante

quick, think of something nice to say!

At the church, Anna tells Dante that she wishes she’d gotten to know Morgan better, which is something that no one who’d ever spent more than a minute in his presence could possibly mean. But good on her for trying! Also, apparently Robin is already gone again, and didn’t bother to warn anyone that Sonny was suicidal before she went. That seems responsible.

Kiki has shown up outside the church in what looks like an incredibly short skirt for a funeral. But since this is Morgan, it’s probably appropriate. She’s waffling about whether or not to go in, but Dillon arrives as she’s turning to leave.

Josslyn and Molly are praying together, even though neither of them is particularly religious. I wish this was OG Children of the Corn Joss instead of this bland tween who cannot act, but it is nice to see them interacting, I guess.

molly-and-josslyn

Kristina is STILL being an asshole about Jax having the nerve to attend the funeral of the step-son he largely raised. Carly is still not smacking her for some reason I cannot fathom. Bobbie and Michael’s arrival breaks things up. Evil Nelle lurks in the background, fondling Sonny’s mystery letter.

Jax wants Sonny to give him the gun for his family’s sake, but Sonny tells him his family “won’t have to worry about him for much longer.” Wow. This just in: Sonny is REALLY not good at keeping his secret suicide plans on the down low.

Julian tells Jordan that he hired Curtis to investigate the case. Jordan blusters at Curtis. Meanwhile, over at Sonny’s house, Jason threatens the assassination broker guy while wearing his funeral suit. It does not feel particularly menacing, but assassin broker guy is a weenie, so he’s probably going to fold.

francos-hair-pains-me

See what I mean about the hair???

Elizabeth is begging Franco not to do anything to her rapist when Finn rushes in with Hayden in his arms, needing immediate treatment for sepsis. Liz is understandably surprised by this development.

Griffin and Anna fill Dante and Lulu in on the newest chapter in Charlotte’s never-ending Who’s the Daddy saga. They think Valentin being the father explains all of Claudette’s lies, but… not really? I mean, why couldn’t she just have told Nathan the entire truth from the beginning?

Nelle gives Carly a pair of earrings that she forgot at the house, which Morgan had bought for her. Bobbie’s suspicious bitchface is EPIC.

bobbie-bitchface

Barbara Jean don’t play

On the one hand, Bobbie has lived through this exact same plot before, so I guess I’m okay with her being genre savvy enough to recognize it. But on the other, Nelle really hasn’t done anything much suspicious yet, so her animosity doesn’t feel earned. I’m still 90% more into it than most of of the plots on this show, though!

Kristina is now guilt tripping her siblings for not wanting to sit with the man who killed their brother at his funeral. God, she is the worst. Michael calms everyone down and they group hug, which makes the girls look like tiny children because he is a giant. Nelle comes over to suck up about what a good big brother he is.

group-hug

soooooo tall

Olivia wants Sonny not to take on too much guilt for a thing he is — at least as far as they know right now — ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GUILTY OF DOING. Shut up, Olivia.

Assassin broker dude says that of course he canceled the hit the second Sonny told him to! And anyway, his guy wasn’t a bomb guy, he’s got another guy for bombs! This guy would have done something tasteful and low key, like killing Julian in the shower or something. Which means — gasp! — someone else was trying to kill Julian!

julian-and-curtis

ask me how much I care. I dare you.

At the MetroCourt, Curtis gives Julian an update on his search for the bomber. I think? I don’t know, this is boring me and I tuned it out.

Kiki wants to know what Dillon is doing there. He says even though he and Morgan didn’t get along, he never wanted anything bad to happen to him. I mean, sure? Because you’re not a sociopath? It’s still weird that you’re at his funeral, Dillon. He convinces her to go in because it’s what Morgan would have wanted. Well, if that’s the deciding factor, then Dillon DEFINITELY shouldn’t be there. (Especially when Sonny’s own brother couldn’t bothered to show up. Or any of the other Quartermaines on Michael’s behalf.)

Funeral time! Sad faces, all around. Kristina gives the first eulogy, followed by Dante and Josslyn, who claims that Morgan used to love it when she sang. FOOTAGE NOT FOUND, JOSS. She launches into a really unconvincingly dubbed rendition of Amazing Grace. The audience’s agonized reactions mirror my own:

josslyn-sings

josslyn-sings2

dear god make it stop

Having just come from a funeral yesterday, can I say how glad I am that every member of my family did not feel the need to get up and make a sermon or submit their audition for American Idol? Soap funerals are weird.

As Joss sings, we see Hayden going into convulsions, but Elizabeth and Finn get it under control.  Finn runs into Tracy and finds out he’s probably about to be suspended due to his illegal drugs and wildly irresponsible lack of hazard containment. He explains that Hayden has been exposed to his illness and that is why ONLY HE CAN SAVE HER. Obviously.

hayden-seizure

Michael gives a speech about St. Morgan’s endless capacity for forgiveness. Which is definitely what Morgan was known for! Curiously, he leaves out how many people also had to forgive Morgan for his shitty behavior over the years. Kiki runs out in tears and Dillon follows to comfort her.

Elizabeth reports that Hayden is stable for the moment. Finn wants to transfer her to his private care at the Quartermaine mansion to get around the fact he soon won’t be legally allowed to practice medicine at the hospital. Laura assures Liz that Finn is Hayden’s best hope. Oh, well I’m sure in that case absolutely no one would get fired over this!

Now it’s Carly’s turn. She tells everyone that because they don’t have a body, they had to fill the coffin with Morgan’s favorite things. I would have thought no body = no coffin at all, but far be it from me to judge how rich people want to waste their money. (JUST KIDDING I LOVE JUDGING RICH PEOPLE.)

carlys-eulogy

MAHOGANY

Carly says that Morgan had so much potential and was going to be a great man. I would say something snarky, but it’s a funeral, so I’ll grant her some creative license. She collapses crying on the coffin, just in time for Jason to arrive and save everyone from this intense awkwardness. He tells Sam that he’s onto something “that’s going to change everything.” Uh, unless it brings Morgan back to life then I kind of doubt that. (NOoooooo do not bring Morgan back. I’m sorry I put that out into the world.)

Franco calls Tom Baker’s brother, pretending to be his parole officer. For some reason, this requires a ridiculous fake Irish brogue. I don’t even know anymore, guys. He confirms the brother’s address and that Baker’s expected that night.

Hayden is ready to be checked out of the hospital for this totally above board and not at all illegal home care scheme. Finn sweetly tells Tracy that she’s the best friend he ever had and gives her an awkward hug that still manages to be ONE THOUSAND TIMES LESS AWKWARD than Jax and Sonny’s.

finn-hugs-tracy

DEFINITELY thinking of England

After they leave, Laura observes that Tracy really cares about both Finn and Hayden. I concur. And they are such better besties for her than Sabrina!

Curtis and Julian talk some more. I dozed off again, but I think Curtis is accusing Julian of having a connection to the bomber, which I assume means that he set up the fake hit on himself in order to frame Sonny. This kind of begs the question of why he would have hired a PI to investigate the whole thing? But WHATEVER.

The funeral starts to break up, but Sonny has an announcement. He launches into a big teary speech about how they all blame him for Morgan’s death, but not as much as he blames himself. And then pulls out his gun. So… shooting himself in front of all his children in the middle of the goddamn funeral was his big plan to save his family from more emotional trauma? LOL.

sonny-suicide

“I’m the actual worst!”
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Will Sonny kill himself or will the whole town band together to assure him he’s the best father ever and can do no wrong??? Tune in Monday for the exciting conclusion!

Corinthos down!

Morgan’s dead, y’all! I’d be sad, but, you know. It’s Morgan. RIP, little Corinthos! Of all the Corinthos men who’ve annoyed the crap out of me, you… certainly had the best duck lips.

Anyway, everyone in town is convinced it’s their fault! Kiki’s sure that it’s hers because after months of misery, she finally decided to escape from the unhealthy relationship she got guilted into by her unstable boyfriend’s family.

kiki-still-cant-cry

not pictured: believable crying

Michael’s sure it’s his because he didn’t have time to babysit his adult brother between planning a funeral for his recently murdered girlfriend and running a company.

Ava’s sure it’s hers because she… secretly replaced his bi-polar medication with placebos. Okay, that one might be a little more accurate. But since Morgan didn’t die in a drunk driving accident, but instead was blown up by a bomb set by none other than Port Charles’ own Father of the Year, Sonny must be the one blaming himself most of all–oh. Wait. Continue reading

Got a plot hole? Just call in a crazy white guy!

Sometimes it’s hard for me to grasp all the complex nuances of a story on this show, because there are none and also I don’t care. But let me see if I’ve got this straight: at some point in the recent past, Susan Hornsby — a character last seen as a child no one cared about 20 years ago — was raped by Kyle Sloane and treated at General Hospital, despite neither of them living in Port Charles at the time.

Dr. Mayes screwed up her rape kit — which was probably the inevitable consequence of having a neurosurgeon doing rape kits — Susan’s case was dropped, and she fell into a catatonic state. As you do.

paul-threatens-tracy

well, that escalated quickly

Naturally, Paul sought vengeance for all this by… going undercover with an international arms ring, blackmailing Ava, creepily propositioning Anna, and spending several months ignoring Kyle Sloane completely while living in Monica’s house and also ignoring her. For some reason, during this time, Sloan completely failed to recognize the fact that he was working with his ex-girlfriend’s father.  And then, Paul finally killed him for threatening to rat Anna out. Continue reading

Sometimes dreams really DO come true!

So, I rage quit this show three weeks ago after Liz told the rapist she’s dating about her rape trauma and he somehow immediately managed to make it all about his pain over the fact that this might prevent her from dating him. HAHAHA, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.

(And then she actually ended up apologizing to him about it? And the show presented this as somehow the most romantic thing ever?  And I think my brain actually exploded?)

sabrinas-corpse

Anyway, I just haven’t had it in me to turn it back on since. But a couple days ago I jokingly said that if they killed off Sabrina, I would start watching again… and I now realize I should have aimed a little higher. (Dear show, I will come back if you get rid of Sabrina AND Morgan. Oh, wait.)

YOU’RE WELCOME, EVERYONE. Continue reading

Wasted hotness and other crimes.

When Shelly Altman and Jean Passanante came on board, there were a lot of big promises about bringing romance back. Almost a year later, we’ve seen Hayden mourn the man who had her shot in the head, Lucas and Brad’s exciting off screen honeymoon, and Julian threatening to slit Alexis’ throat.

But that’s all about to change, because people were getting all hot and bothered this week! Sure, they were all couples no one cares about. And sure, all these people have the chemistry of dead fish being smacked together. But love in the afternoon, you guys! Sort of!

Valerie and Curtis sex

pretty bras in the afternoon?

How can such attractive people possibly be so boring? Oh, right… she has no personality and he has no plot and together they get about five minutes of airtime a month. Now, I remember.

I want to like Valerie. I really do. She’s part of a core family, she’s one of two non-white women on the show, and despite the whole Dante mess, she’s not an offensive character. But they do absolutely nothing with her family connections and everything else about her is just criminally bland when she’s even on screen at all.

On the other hand, Curtis is the most charismatic new male character since poor dead Carlos. And just like both Carlos and his oddly less attractive twin, Curtis is being wasted on a total lump of a leading lady. (Side note: I will give one hundred virtual dollars to anyone who can explain why so many men are inexplicably obsessed with Sabrina. PLEASE someone explain it to me.) Meanwhile, Rebecca Herbst is sitting right over there, spending all of her considerable chemistry on a serial killer while these good looking men languish in romantic black holes. Because the universe hates me. Continue reading

Everything’s coming up ladies!

Has everyone read the recent interview Frank Valentini gave AfterEllen about the Kristina/Parker story? Because it’s kind of amazing. And not in a good way:

Parker and Kristina3

We were talking about [Kristina] and the writers said, “Well, why is that?” And one of them said, “I think she’s making bad choices, not because she’s dumb or naive or because she’s a woman.” That’s what we wanted to get away from—we didn’t want it to be she was making bad choices because she was a woman.

I wasn’t aware of anyone being under the impression Kristina’s bad relationships were the fault of her being a woman, but okay. Good to know that imaginary sexist opinion has been debunked… clearing the way for some even more sexist opinions! Continue reading

Scenes from an alternate universe.

So Jax most likely purchased a black market kidney from a non-consenting child and then let Elizabeth, Jason, and Lucky believe it was Jake’s for years. That’s fine. I’m fine. EVERYTHING’S FINE.

To avoid having a rage aneurysm about that — or about the fact that Alexis is a pod person who seems more upset about her career problems than her beloved nephew’s death — let’s just all take some deep breaths and enjoy the brief reunion of one of my favorite soap friendships of all time:

Alexis Jax hug

JAX: I hope you know that you have a ton of people out there who love and support you, who you can lean on. So you shouldn’t be afraid to just do that.
ALEXIS: Okay.
JAX: Okay? I know it’s hard for you to see right now with all this craziness going on, but you’re more than a lawyer. You’re a mother, warrior, friend… so no matter what happens at that hearing next week, you’re still going to be all of those things. And so much more.

Sure, she nearly went to prison, her husband tried to murder her, and she’s lost all professional respect. But Alexis got a pep talk while drinking wine and gazing into Jax’s impossibly blue eyes. So really, is her life really all that bad?

(Yes, yes it is. Her life is a flaming turd bag and there is not enough wine in the world to fix it.)

Continue reading

Why is everyone prejudiced against serial killers?

Hey, guys. I know it’s been a while. In my defense, this show is a literal trash fire right now. Alexis is divorcing one sociopath, Elizabeth is dating another, Carlos has a heretofore unknown twin brother, Sabrina is simpering all over the Quartermaine mansion, Jason magically knows how to fly airplanes, Maxie and Nikolas are both literal pod people, and Kiki is a still a thing that exists.

But hey, there are sort of lesbians and Jax is back! (True story: when he appeared yesterday, I made involuntary jazz hands while sigh/squealing his name in a totally disturbing way. I’m not proud of this.)

Jax is dreamy

hey there, dreamy mcdream face

Anyway, here’s a recap: we open on the deserted island where the Cassadine escapees have crashed. Sam is all indignant because Dante won’t let her go off alone in the dark while fainting every few minutes. (Mystery illness or pregnant? Place your bets!) But just then, St. Jason himself stumbles out of the bushes. Oh, thank god, y’all. I was totally worried. Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day Three

Oof. They can never quite manage to stick the landing, can they? I mean, that was still more enjoyable than the show’s been lately, but that is a really low bar. And the last day of the ball was once again the worst by far.

At least Robin got to make a speech that managed to be both meaningful and informative, and also break my brain a little by pointing out it’s been 21 years since Stone died. Good lord, I’m old.

Robin's speech

Performance-wise, I don’t care how over it Lulu and Valerie both are now — you can’t tell me it’s not super awkward to have Val doing backup while Lulu sings to Dante about wanting him back. But hey, those rehearsals must have been fun! Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2016: Day Two

It’s the second day of the Nurses’ Ball, y’all. But first things first: IT REALLY WAS A SEX TAPE! I totally called it! Sadly, a sex tape full of gross bondage games with Paul instead of the Morgan one I was hoping would burn Carly’s eyes out. But still. SEX TAPE!

Anyway, let’s see what other gifts Aveeno has brought us today…

Magic Milo 2016

Sounds about right.

So, let’s talk about the Notably Missing from this year’s festivities, starting with: the actual Chief of Staff. Like, seriously, show? You just went through all the trouble of making Monica somewhat relevant again for the first time in years, and you can’t even spring to have her show up in a cameo at her own hospital’s premiere event? Ditto for Tracy, although at least she has the excuse of recovering from brain worms and getting overly emotionally invested in Sabrina’s baby.

(On a related note, can I just say how #blessed I feel that the ball has been thus far 100% Sabrina free?) (And yes, I realize I just jinxed it. Damn it.) Continue reading