Oh, ladies. Please love yourselves more.

Guys, the real world is horrible and depressing, but luckily, we have soap opera to distract us with escapist fantasy. By which I obviously mean “watching previously strong women make excuses for the violent assholes who constantly lie to them,” aka, the ultimate female wish fulfillment.

ALEXIS: [Julian] has every legal right to see his son.
OLIVIA: What the hell is wrong with you? This man tried to kill you. He’s put your daughters in danger again and again and you’re going to stand there and defend his right to my child?
ALEXIS: Don’t do this. You kept Leo away from him for months. You lied, you said that Leo was adopted, you said that Ned was the father.

I know, right? Any mother who’d claim Ned was the father of her baby to protect him or her from a dangerous mobster really hasn’t got a leg to stand on–OH WAIT.

So anyway, just when you thought Alexis couldn’t be brought any lower, HAHAHA just kidding, there is always a lower, more pathetic place this show can take her. And defending Julian and taking his side against his other baby mama is pretty damn low. One might even say character destroying. That is, if one believed any character’s actions actually mattered at all on a show with a memory as short as this one’s. Continue reading

Oh, how we laughed!

Wow, you guys. What an episode! I have not laughed like that in a long time. But which part was the funniest? So hard to choose from so much bonkers.

A) The super dramatic slow pan over a bunch of adults just staring while a child… standing a few feet away… very slowly… picked up a tin can? (Kind of like that Austin Powers steamroller scene? Only dumber. Much, much dumber.)

noooooooooooooo

B) The reveal of Helena’s final diabolical plan? Which, as far as I can tell, boils down to the following: Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2017: Day Three

The TiVo summary for this episode is: “Andre makes a major discovery; Carly zeroes in on her enemy; Curtis oversteps.” Wow. Seems like they nailed all the really important notes.

Anyway, full recap tonight! Jason’s confronting Griffin about the chimera necklace. Griffin tells him it used to belong to Anna’s sister. Jason thinks this can’t be a coincidence!

Dillon thanks nurse Deanna for filling in for Kiki, since she has to work tonight. I feel like performing at a charity ball sponsored by your employed should automatically mean not getting scheduled to work that night, but I guess this is why I don’t make nursing schedules. Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2017: Day Two

Okay, when I made the joke about Lulu’s dress and the Nutcracker yesterday, I had not yet seen the actual picture of Kelly Monaco hiding underneath her gigantic skirt, but now I have, and it is GIVING ME LIFE.

Anyway, day two!

girl power or something

Rant of the day: I understand we’re working with budget constraints and the halcyon days of the entire cast showing up in a huge room with huge tables padded full of numerous extras are long gone. But is it really too much to expect the entire staff of the hospital to actually make an appearance? Brad and Lucas, Finn and Hayden… Monica’s skipping her own hospital’s premiere event for the second year in a row? Continue reading

Nurses’ Ball 2017: Day One

Nurses’ Ball time! This episode assumed I care a whole lot more about the state of Nina and Valentin’s marriage and the big Morgan pill mystery than I actually do. Which is not at all in both cases. But still, we got some vets and some fancy dresses, so that’s something, right?

work it, spencers

This year, Burt’s Bees has given Aveeno the boot and ABC’s contractually obligated D-list celebrity host is Mario Lopez, who was barely able to pretend he gave a crap about any of this during his twenty minutes of work: Continue reading

To Tracy Angelica Quartermaine, with love.

I put off watching this episode for a few days because I knew it would destroy me. And hey, I was right!

Tracy’s got her entire family (sans Jason because… Billy Miller had already hit his guarantees for the month?) and everyone else she cares about gathered in the Quartermaine living room for an announcement:

TRACY: I love you all. The people in the room are the ones I hold in my heart. The time has come for me to step out of my father’s shadow. I need to make a life of my own. I can’t do it here. Which brings me to my announcement: I’m leaving.

Everyone is shocked and appalled. I feel you, Port Charles. Continue reading

Julian Jerome is a saint and other alternative facts.

Ah, Daytime television. Entertainment for women! And apparently women really love gaslighting, because there isn’t a single plot right now that doesn’t involve rewriting the things we all actually saw on screen.

Like, hey, did you know Nina is now a more stable parental figure than Lulu in the eyes of the law? And definitely not a former mental patient who literally ripped a baby out of another woman’s womb and has been banned by every adoption agency on the planet!

helena was scared of this guy. really.

Anna’s got a mysterious retconned past with Valentin! Who, himself, has been retconned from a ruthless murderer and Most Dangerous Cassadine of All into a former street urchin/deformed virgin who stutters and weeps at the drop of a hat.

Brad has completely reverted to his money-grubbing, ethically challenged douchebag ways, as if none of the character growth of his friendship with Britt and marriage to Lucas ever happened! Speaking of Lucas, I’m not sure he even exists anymore, since they haven’t bothered to show him react to the news his father is alive.

Meanwhile, these words came out of Sonny’s mouth with ZERO sense of irony: Continue reading

Return of the camp!

Heyyyyyyy, guys. I haven’t watched this show in months because the real world has been depressing enough, frankly. But it’s sweeps now and things seem mildly interesting again?

Diane needs a stiff drink from the MetroCourt bar, because she’s about to go into court against a really tough opponent: Llanview, PA’s woman of the year, Nora Buchanan! Who, of course, is sitting right next to her.

hiiiiiiiiii, red!

Nina is frazzled and alone in the offices of a major fashion magazine, because only three people have ever worked there and she just fired one of them. Valentin swans in and hangs up her phone in the most menacing way possible. Like, the person on the other end definitely thinks the editor of Crimson is being kidnapped or murdered right now. He demands to know where she was last night. Nina’s surprised he even noticed, since he’s been so distracted by Anna lately. Continue reading

Is this show more depressing than reality? You decide!

Well, this has been a terrible week for me for multiple reasons. I’m capping it off with a General Hospital marathon because I hate myself, obviously. But, bright spot — Morgan’s still dead! Also: JAX!! So let’s recap.

At Wyndemere, Hayden is in bad shape because of her inexplicable refusal to let Finn treat her for the SUPER DANGEROUS pathogen he casually left all over the floor. Laura calls GH for an emergency helicopter, which kind of explains why the hospital is going broke. Hayden stops breathing, but it’s cool because Finn gives her a shot of adrenaline, Pulp Fiction style.

hayden-dying

it looks like he’s choking her, but I promise he’s not

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Liz is telling Franco that that her rapist has been granted parole and will soon be back in Port Charles. Franco’s lustrous mane of hair has gotten completely out of control. I’m deeply disturbed. Continue reading

Corinthos down!

Morgan’s dead, y’all! I’d be sad, but, you know. It’s Morgan. RIP, little Corinthos! Of all the Corinthos men who’ve annoyed the crap out of me, you… certainly had the best duck lips.

Anyway, everyone in town is convinced it’s their fault! Kiki’s sure that it’s hers because after months of misery, she finally decided to escape from the unhealthy relationship she got guilted into by her unstable boyfriend’s family.

kiki-still-cant-cry

not pictured: believable crying

Michael’s sure it’s his because he didn’t have time to babysit his adult brother between planning a funeral for his recently murdered girlfriend and running a company.

Ava’s sure it’s hers because she… secretly replaced his bi-polar medication with placebos. Okay, that one might be a little more accurate. But since Morgan didn’t die in a drunk driving accident, but instead was blown up by a bomb set by none other than Port Charles’ own Father of the Year, Sonny must be the one blaming himself most of all–oh. Wait. Continue reading