Worst. Con. Ever.

I had promised myself I was done wasting time, brain cells, and blood pressure getting enraged about anything involving Ethan Lovett. But then I made the mistake of watching yesterday’s flashback scenes with Rebecca.

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Let me get this straight. Saintly Paige Bowen was so poor that she had to sell one of her children on the black market (so presumably, for a very good price), but the people she sold poor baby Raccoon Eyes to were actually dirt poor themselves. Okaaaaaay.

But maybe they wanted a child so badly they were willing to bankrupt themselves to get one illegally! Clearly, Rebecca should hate and resent these horrible people who wanted her so very much.

Then, as an adult, she learns the truth somehow and tracks Emily down. She discovers that Emily:

1) lost her father at a young age

2) had to watch her mother die a slow, wasting death to cancer

3) was adopted into a family of what Rebecca expected to be “snobs” (which, as you all know, is pretty much the worst insult you can lob at a person in the GH universe)

4) suffered through teenage drug addiction, a broken back, breast cancer, and a brutal rape by a man who looked exactly like her husband, who then cheated on her with another woman (who, adding insult to injury, was HORRIBLE, and who also bore his child)

5) lost her beloved adopted grandmother, father and brother to old age, heart attack by Jerry, and insane character assassination by Guza, respectively

6) and was violently murdered herself, all before the age of 30

… and instead of counting her blessings, Rebecca decides that she’s been cheated — CHEATED, I say! — of the life of heartbreaking loss and early death she so richly deserves.

She spills all this to the first marblemouthed, greasy haired, charmless schmuck she runs across.

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Who then convinces her that he should get a cut of the proceeds simply for coming up with the brilliant plan to pretend it’s all just a wacky coincidence that she looks exactly like Emily’s twin, which will obviously make the Qs and Nikolas more likely to give her money because … ? I really have no idea.

Especially since, once she gets to Port Charles, Rebecca’s surprised (!) to find that all of Emily’s friends and family are actually nice, grieving people who loved her sister very much. Because if they’d all been horrible bastards who didn’t really care about Emily that much, Rebecca’s mysterious appearance would really have piqued their interest–

Yeah, I … Okay. Whatever. I give up. Just recapping the gist of what we learned yesterday is making me dumber. I CAN FEEL THE BRAIN CELLS DYING, PEOPLE.

This effing show.

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