Elementary, my dear Scorpio!

Call me crazy, but General Hospital has actually been taking baby steps toward sucking less lately.

Of course, for every step forward (couples who don’t hate each other, stories that revolve around the hospital, the most adorable karaoke number in the history of the world) there have been many, many steps back (the summer of All Sonny’s Children, humiliating Alexis, any scene involving Rebecca or Ethan).

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BITCHY ASSISTANT D.A.: I’ll be replacing you. At the request of city council. They foresee a conflict of interest, considering your current…difficulties.

So…let me get this straight. Alexis:

  • Was personal council to the local mob boss, with whom she has shared a child for either seven or sixteen years (depending on how you take Kristina’s SORASing into account).
  • Has another daughter who was involved in a long term relationship with the number one hitman in town.
  • Dated suspected terrorist Jerry Jax, and was involved in multiple murder investigations — as the murderer.
  • Was arrested by her ex-husband — also the former D.A., and ALSO personal attorney to the mob — for using marijuana.

…and the city council had no problem with any of that. But now that they know she once slept with the mayor, suddenly they think there might be a “conflict of interest”? This would the same city council who didn’t blink an eye when Scotty Baldwin wanted to prosecute his own son’s murder, I presume? NOPE, NO CONFLICTS THERE.

You know, I have long since resigned myself to the fact that the legal system in Port Charles has absolutely no resemblance to reality, but the least they could do is make it consistently unrealistic. You can’t start bringing conflict of interest up now, writers. That ship has freaking sailed.

What really irritates me is I was actually enjoying those scenes with Diane, Alexis and Jason before the ADA showed up. The writers were funny! On purpose! I feel like I need to give them a gold star or something.

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Johnny&Olivia

I don’t have anything to add to this photo, other than I remain shocked at how happy and sexy Johnny and Olivia are together. Obviously, this can’t last, right? I’m just going to enjoy it while I can, so I have something to look back on when she inevitably ends up with Sonny.

Excuse me, I have to go vomit now.

(While we’re on the subject of Sonny and Olivia, can we talk about how ridiculously miscast their son is? Lisa LoCicero is nine years older than her on-screen son. I know this kind of idiocy is par for the course in Hollywood, but it seems particularly galling in this case. And I like Dominic Zamprogna! He was Jammer! He’s much more charming than this stupid story deserves!)

Anyway, Johnny and Olivia are totally cute together, but I’m continuously distracted by the fact that her son looks older than him, and Sonny’s going to wreck everything. As usual.

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Then let’s take the murder mystery.

It makes my brain hurt. This story is such a mess, and it’s a shame because if it hadn’t been marred by such a rushed, messy, and ill-thought out execution, I think it actually could have been compelling.

Example: Robin and Patrick’s continuing insistence that if they can only figure out who killed Briana, then the malpractice suit will go away. I don’t mind Robin putting her detective skills to good use. But the pretext that it’s necessary in order to save Matt and Patrick’s careers is ridiculous.

metrocourt

First of all, it seems to me that the issue shouldn’t be who murdered Briana, so much as what actually caused Briana to die — the injury or the treatment. In terms of the malpractice suit, it doesn’t matter if she got the initial head injury by accident or on purpose. The question is whether or not Matt and Patrick made a mistake while treating her, and that question can only be answered by a medical inquiry, not Robin playing junior detective all over town.

If their thesis is that Matt and Patrick would have treated her case differently had they known the full circumstances of her injury before going into surgery, then finding out who was trying to kill her — while an important matter for the police — still shouldn’t have any barring on the question of malpractice. The autopsy report should already have provided all of the relevant information: either the coroner has ruled the death an accidental one, or it’s been ruled a murder, in which case Matt and Patrick should be in the clear (assuming they didn’t make any other mistakes) regardless of who performed the actual head bashing.

Hey, I know! How about investigating this woman’s murder simply because she died while under their care and they feel a connection to her and want justice? Of course, that would involve treating Briana as a person instead of a plot point — a task admittedly made more difficult for the writers since we never knew her while she was alive, have yet to even meet this mysterious family who were ready to sue before her body was even cold, and have barely seen her lover, the mayor, since his initial scenes.

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Speaking of Matt, he wrought something of a mini-miracle on Thursday: he got me to sit through an entire Maxie scene without fast forwarding. Hallelujah!

Matt&Maxie2

Here’s the thing: when Spinelli and Maxie first started hanging out together, I thought they had a lot of potential. Both were immature in different ways, and they seemed to bring out one another’s better qualities. But this whole mutual admiration society they have going now? Is repulsive. Instead of encouraging one another to grow as people, they’re stagnating and, if anything, becoming more entrenched in their respective eccentricities.

Also, if I have to hear the words “courtly love” one more time, I may have to spork my ears out.

Maxie’s conversation with Matt at Jake’s was the first time she’s seemed like an adult in weeks. And for once, the writers resisted the urge to make Matt into a smarmy, one-note hornball. Two character having a simple conversation about their lives and their feelings. Imagine that!

Why throw scenes like this out there if they’re not going to go anywhere? Is it just a tease to show that they are capable of writing a good relationship — they just choose not to most of the time?

I do not understand so much of what these writers do.

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10 thoughts on “Elementary, my dear Scorpio!

  1. Word. This is exactly how I have been feeling on all counts.

    The Matt/Maxie scene was a total tease. It is just like Johnny and Olivia. When they give us a pairing where you can actually understand why the characters might be interested in each other, then they are going to completely blow them apart or spend no time on them at all. *Le sigh*

  2. Once again, great article. First of all, the Diane/Jason ‘cell phone grabbing’ scene was hilarious. That was the best thing about Friday’s epi, other than Scrubs’ cute karaoke moment. OMG, we are so on the same page when it comes to Spixie. They started off great but have become so cartoonish. *rolls eyes* — I liked the Maxie/Matt scene to an extent. Once, Maxie went into ‘Spin-mode’, I tuned out. I just can’t take it anymore.

    I gave up on that Brianna murder s/l 2-3 episodes, after it started. Now, I only look for the MB/NLG scenes. A soap fan’s wet dream, I tell ya. LOL!!

    • Steve Burton is just a natural straight man. I really enjoy his dynamic with Diane.

      Maxie’s need to tell every one she meets that Spinelli is her essential person makes my ears bleed. Seriously. I do not understand what is supposed to be appealing about this relationship anymore.

      I only wish we could get quality MB/NLG scenes more often. Apparently, Guza just doesn’t like the relationship. As assy as I think it was for Sonny to order Jason to stay in jail for a week, I did kind of love that he wanted to help Alexis. *sighs*

  3. A panic attack -off! Alexis/NLG is AMAZING and horribly wasted on GH. Sonny is only bearable and remotely entertaining and even human in the presence of Robin and or Alexis. Other than that, for me he died in 98.

    I don’t know what causes more twitching for me, probably because I am having seizures about it. Between “essential person” and “courtly love” I just can’t effin’ take it anymore. STOP THE INSANITY!

    Patrick and Robin could anchor this show beautifully if it was not written and produced by evil misogynistic morons with NO SKILLS for daytime drama. Their chemistry and realism is incredible. The karaoke was a delight. NS2 was a delicious dream.

    SORASing is one thing, but Dom/Dante being Olivia’s Son and barely younger than her age is TOO CREEPY.

    I love babies and respect pregnancy enormously, but this show makes me wish Carly’s secret potato chip snack kills her unborn child like her doctor told her it could. I loathe the character, always have. Now that Guza has a hard on for LW and “Nu Carly” I loathe her even more. Whitewashing her evil narcisistic ass doesn’t make her virtuous or a decent mother, I will never buy that paticular ball of crap.

    More mobbies coming, Uncle Rudy is nearly cast. Great, more Claudia propping. VILE.

    LOVE YOUR SITE!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for lettin’ me vent.

    • Vent away, please!

      (If there was any justice in the world, Patrick and Robin would be the center of the show, leading the next generation at the hospital. *le sigh*)

      • “If there was any justice in the world, Patrick and Robin would be the center of the show, leading the next generation at the hospital.”

        I second that thought.

        Man, I think a group of chimps could write this show better. Gah!

  4. That Maxie scene with Matt made my day! I think I’ll start shipping M&M now. I hope we’re going to see more of them together.

    • Me too. I was really rooting for Maxie and Johnny for a while there, but he’s so good with Olivia, I’m more than happy to switch my allegiance to Matt. Anyone but Spinelli, at this point! They’ve so ruined his character for me…

  5. Yep-I was rooting for Johnny/Maxie, too. I wonder if anything will ever come of M&M? I think they should just bring on a new girl for Matt. Nadine would’ve been great if they had just toned her down. Maxie is all about Spin. *rolls eyes*

    ———-
    ”Patrick and Robin could anchor this show beautifully if it was not written and produced by evil misogynistic morons with NO SKILLS for daytime drama. Their chemistry and realism is incredible. The karaoke was a delight. NS2 was a delicious dream.”
    ———
    WORD! I totally agree.

    • Yeah, I thought he and Nadine had some real potential. But apparently if she’s not with Nikolas, she doesn’t exist. Because that’s the way to write new characters — keep them as isolated as possible and never ever integrate them onto more of the canvas than their love interest…

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