I got a call from my mother last night, which isn’t that unusual in and of itself. What is unusual is that she was calling just to talk about General Hospital, which she claimed had gotten “kind of, sort of interesting” in the past few days.
Since I was three days behind, I could neither confirm nor deny this claim, but I settled in with a glass of wine to see for myself.
My thoughts are thus:
1. So, Kiefer pressuring Kristina for sex is wrong, but Sonny pressuring Olivia is sexy? That makes perfect sense!
2. Kiefer Bauer? THE SUBTLETY, IT KILLS ME.
3. Apparently GH is getting “expert” advice on this abuse storyline, which should strike terror into the heart of anyone who saw what they did with the “expert” advice they got on the PPD story.
4. There are so many ridiculous/implausible/narratively lazy aspects to this car crash story, I can’t be bothered to go into them all. (Carly had to be the one to find Claudia? Really? Because she was out on the side of the freaking highway — where Morgan obviously plays, because it’s such a safe location! — looking for a tiny medal in the pitch darkness? REALLY?)
5. Sam immediately leaping to the correct conclusion about the source of Kristina’s nervousness struck me as hilariously convenient — until I remembered that she was involved in this same exact hit and run whodunit with multiple totally “ironic” suspects just last summer. So naturally, she recognizes the signs.
(I realize that both miscarriages and car crashes are kind of soap staples, but come on. The only saving grace is that Elizabeth isn’t involved this time, since she’s been either driver or victim in the last five car accident stories — two involving pregnancies! — so I guess that means they really are thinking outside the box this time.)
6. NuMolly is kind of adorable. Actually, I think the casting on all the SORASed kids has been excellent. Too bad they’re involved in such awful stories. Drew Garrett, in particular, is doing really well despite some truly hate-worthy material. Imagine how awesome he could be if his character wasn’t a smirky sociopath-in-training!
7. It’s great that Michael has a whole army of people devoted to making sure he never has to spend a single, precious second worrying he might have to face some sort of consequences for his actions. I mean, that absolutely STELLAR parenting technique has worked so well so far.
– Shoot your dad’s girlfriend and leave her bleeding in an alley to die? No problem, boys will be boys — don’t even bother apologizing to her. Hey, let’s go out for ice cream!
– Start a fight? Don’t worry! Dad will come and make the person who wants to punish you hilariously fear for his life!
– Run a stranger off the road and don’t even stop to see if they’re okay? Uncle Jason will sweep this whole road rage thing under the rug. And he wouldn’t even dream of taking that luxury sports car away from you, even though you have medically documented impulse control issues and a borderline illegal driver’s license. Because what we need on the road is more inexperienced drivers who are prone to rage blackouts. Clearly.
And if Jason can’t fix the problem (ha! as if that would ever happen!), Edward will step in and bribe a judge. But it’s all cool, because I’m sure Michael’s really learned his lesson this time. Parents of the year, ladies and gentlemen!
8. Back to Sonny and Olivia for a moment (and boy, did I call that or did I call that?) — we’re supposed to be finding him repulsive, right? Is there a huge fanbase out there that’s really rooting for them to get together? I find that…unfathomable.
9. I can’t even tell if we’re supposed to think Claudia’s distress over possibly losing the baby is sincere or not. And I don’t care. It says a lot about how awful Sonny is that of the two of them, I think she’s the better person. But she’s still an incredibly horrible character who has had conflicting or nonexistent motivations for almost everything she’s done in the past year. The thought of having to deal with her over-the-top reaction whether or not she loses the baby makes my fast forward finger reflexively twitch in anticipation.
10. I’ve got nothing to say about Spinelli and Maxie because every time they are on screen, I not only compulsively fast forward, but do so with fingers over my eyes to block out even the sight of them.
I will say, however, that I found the whole pressuring-a-woman-into-marrying-you idea offensive and unromantic when it was Patrick and Robin. And I have a hell of a lot more good will built up for Patrick and Robin than I do for Spinelli and Maxie. So you can imagine how much it grates on my sanity to see that charming story recycled here.
(Ladies! Your feelings and opinions about your life don’t matter! Isn’t that what love is all about?)
In conclusion: I hate this show. SO MUCH.