Oh, Sebastian Roche…Why?

I watched six episodes of General Hospital last night. And by “watched,” I mean “liberally applied the fast forward button while surfing the internet and cooking dinner.” But I think I got the gist.

My co-blogger has pretty much already covered my feelings on the Alexis and Sonny-related portions of the last week. Although I’m relieved that I no longer have to burn my TEAM ALEXIS + JAX 4-EVA card, since Jax stepped up and stopped acting like a dickish non-Alexis-loving pod person.

Which leaves the rest of the show:

You know, I honestly thought that the last time Jerry Jacks disappeared, the writers had finally, finally figured out this character had been ruined beyond any hope of redemption or viability.

AHAHAHAHA! Clearly, I was smoking the good crack that day, because these writers have never, ever once demonstrated any ability to judge when they’ve beaten a horse to death and are now flogging its sad, pseudo-Australian corpse.

So, only a few short months after we were last subjected to his endless, droning DVD threats, Jerry Jax is back in the flesh — and it’s only been two days, but his motivations are already even less logical than usual. New record!

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Questions I have about this latest nonsensical and sure-to-be-offensive appearance:

– How was Uncle Rudy’s crack team of mob investigators able to track down international man of mystery Jerry Jacks, who once went so far as to change his entire face and adopt a different accent in order to disappear? Does Rudy have an Italian Spinelli of his own, I wonder? (Dear GOD, now I’m having horrible visions of Bradford Anderson in a dark wig and a bad Italian accent…)

– Why would Claudia want or need Jerry Jacks, of all people — who stabbed her in the gut that one time, and tormented her for months with those damn DVDs — to track down Michael and Kristina? Why not just use Uncle Rudy’s crack team of investigators, since they’ve certainly proven their ability to locate people already and are less likely to want to kill Claudia or have conflicting loyalties due to their relationship with the mother of one of the kids they’re tracking down?

– Why would Jerry give in to Claudia’s totally toothless blackmail? She didn’t even prove she knew where he was! All she did was prove she could get his cell phone number!

– Why does Jerry suddenly give a crap out Jason, who hasn’t been actively looking for him for months? And if Jerry really wants to kill Jason, then why doesn’t he simply hire an anonymous sniper to take him out while he jaunts unsuspecting around Port Charles completely unprotected ALL THE DAMN TIME, instead of trying to find him while he’s somewhere in Mexico, most likely on high alert for trouble?

– Why does Sebastian Roche, who is actually talented and somewhat charming, continue to come back to this awful show?

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW, PEOPLE.

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Lucky and Ethan beating the crap out of Dante for having the nerve to be standing next to their sister was one of the most repulsive non-Sonny related things I’ve ever seen on this show.

I mean, the premise alone bugs me. Hey, guys? Your sister is an adult. Granted, she’s a shrieky, self-absorbed, horrible adult most of the time. (Although less lately! Thanks, writers!) But still: an adult woman who gets to make her own decisions about who the hell she wants to talk to or play pool with. This whole controlling, aggressive alpha male “this woman is my property and if you look at her in a way I don’t like, I have the right to hurt you” thing is…not cool. Not attractive. Not funny. Not heroic.

And Lucky? Not really legal either, Detective Spencer.

But above and beyond my garden variety feminist indignation, it was just bad, bad, lazy writing:

Want to create an insta-connection between Dante and Lulu? (Because that’s always worked so well with Lulu in the past!) For God’s sake, don’t actually write them having a conversation for more than a minute! Just have her brothers beat the crap out of him for no reason!

Want to bond Lucky and Ethan? Well, hell. We could write a situation that forces them to get to know and understand each other better. Maybe trap them somewhere and force them to talk out their issues. Or even — yes — pit them against a mutual enemy. The trick there being, of course, that the “enemy” actually has to have done something to deserve the title. You know, something other than “looked at their adult sister that one time.”

The glee with which these two neanderthal thugs repeatedly beat a complete stranger who’d done NOTHING wrong was completely bizarre. I have no idea what direction the actors were given. I can only assume it was something along the lines of:

“You’re drunk hill-billies! No, bring up the offensiveness a tic — laugh while your sister screams in outrage and fear. Good, good…now, punch him again! You hate this guy! Two on one is really macho!  FUCK, YEAH! More punching! Give each other five — you’re manly men now!”

I swear to God, I hate this show so much sometimes.

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At the other end of the spectrum, we’ve got Johnny and Olivia, who continue to be so refreshingly drama-free and HOT AS HOLY HELL together that I actually smile, put down the remote, look away from the computer screen, and give them my full attention when they come on. Trust me, that’s…unusual.

I think what I love most about these two is how much mutual respect they have. Craziness, I know! People in relationships ought to have contempt for each other or treat their partners like brain-damaged children. It’s the natural order!

(And what’s with all this “showing instead telling” business? Surely that’s not how a soapy relationship is built? People talking about their backgrounds and differences, building believable connections — even as they can’t keep their hands off each other? That can’t be right!)

Johnny doesn’t patronize Olivia. He listens to what she has to say, respects her opinions, cares about her feelings, tries to understand her motivations when she does INSANE things like give Sonny the time of day — which, frankly, I would have a hard time reacting to without shaking her and screaming, “WHY, OLIVIA, WHY?” over and over again.

It’s been so long since I actually got the flutters for a couple on this show that I hardly know what to do with it, but when he called her “Liv” the other day while looking at her with those intense, focused eyes…well, hello! THAT WAS NICE, IS ALL I’M SAYING.

Meanwhile, Olivia respects John right back. (And I adore the way she calls him “John,” by the way — like it’s shorthand for, “I recognize you as a fellow adult.”) She’s honest with him about her feelings and expects the same back. No punches pulled, no game playing. No bullshit.

In all of Olivia’s scenes with Sonny, Lisa LoCicero does this weird, nervous trembling thing that makes her look timid and scared to death. Since hunted, terrified women aren’t as big of a turn-on for me as they are for Bob Guza, I find this disturbing and unsexy. Olivia with Johnny, on the other hand, is strong and confident. At peace with herself. And Johnny, bless him, thinks that’s as hot as I do.

Why are the writers teasing us like this? I cannot bring myself to actually believe there’s a chance in hell that they’re not going to put Olivia with Sonny, even though he’s disgusting and patronizing and sleazy and by all rights she ought to file a restraining order against him and whip out the mace every time he knocks on her door.

I desperately want these two to have a story of their own — one that doesn’t involve Sonny in any way, shape, or form. Is that too much to ask?

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6 thoughts on “Oh, Sebastian Roche…Why?

  1. You are so cute. You are like a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy. I mentally checked out of the Johnny/Olivia story the first time Sonny’s lips went hers (apologies in advance for the icky visual). That is what I do now. I mentally check out when I sense that the writers at GH will disappoint me. Which pretty much means I spend the hour doing the same as you: surfing the internet and checking on dinner.

    The Lucky/Ethan “bonding”…ugh. I feel like I’m watching a play that someone’s kid wrote for the 3rd grade school talent show.

    All of your questions regarding Jerry Jax’s reappearance in this trainwreck posing as a story are good ones. Here’s what I think happened. While a member of his team brought these points up (suspend disbelief for a second and pretend a member of the team would actually think), Guza got distracted by a shiny object.

    • I know, right? WHY CAN’T I STOP HITTING MYSELF? But I can’t help it — they’re so cute together and I like them so much!

      *stamps foot*

      (Finding out the scripts really were a play that someone’s kid wrote for the 3rd grade school talent show would explain so much, really.)

  2. I’ve been in shock watching Johnny and Olivia talk about her situation with Sonny. There are no threats, no jealousy. Just honest dialogue. It is refreshing and makes me love Johnny even more. He is seriously getting my vote for most mature character on the show right now.

    I’m still figuring Johnny is going to die, so I’ll just be happy if he keeps breathing. But I don’t expect the situation with Olivia will last so I’m just hoping they find some other hot character to pair him with. Hello Liz? Sam? Someone who is not Lulu?

    Also, I laughed at the Lulu/Ethan/Lucky scene not because it was funny, but because it was just ridiculous and contrived. Ah unintentionally funny scenes, you are one of the only reasons I can watch this show without poking out my eye with a sharp object.

    • JOHNNY & LIZ! I continue to support this hypothetical pairing in the inevitable event of Olivia going over to the dark side and schtupping Sonny.

      The Ethan/Lucky stuff did kind of make me laugh in a slightly hysterical, I-can’t-believe-this-is-really-happening way. Laugh or cry, indeed.

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