Deep in the forest, in a small cabin, live the GH writers — or as I like to call them Stellar Writer and the Seven Douchebags.
Stellar Writer (SW), also referred to as Vigilante Writer on this blog, or Awesome Writer by the Serial Drama girls, toils away her days trying to clean up the mess made by the seven douchebags. This happy group includes Sleazy, Bloodthirsty, Lazy, Comatose, Crazy, Dull and Guza.
Guza: Alright people, let’s get going on our next script. Suggestions?
Bloodthirsty: Well clearly, someone should get shot.
Dull: I like it! We only did that a few months ago.
Guza: Now, now guys. We need to save the good stuff for sweeps.
Crazy: Let’s have Jerry Jax come back to mess with everyone again!
SW: Uh, didn’t he kind of sever all his relationships with the whole DVD debacle…
Guza: You mean DVD inspiration. I like it! No one will expect it!
SW: Um, yes, because it makes no sense.
Guza: We’ve talked about this S, you need to go with the flow.
Sleazy: Let’s have Spinelli bully Maxie into marrying him. Now that is romance!
Guza: These are all great ideas, but what about Sonny? This sounds like it would be a whole 15 minutes of screen time without him. We don’t want the ladies to get bored.
Sleazy: First he can force himself on Olivia, because she is too scared to admit how much she wants him, with that fake tan skin, dark brown eyes and…
Dull: Of course, Sonny should be going after some lady. And Carly, Jax and Sonny should fight about where Michael should live.
Comatose: *wipes drool of face* If Sonny and Carly talk about where Michael is going to live, Jax can throw in Sonny’s face that he doesn’t have custody of Michael anymore. *falls back to sleep*
Guza: Uh, sure. I guess we could do that.
SW: What about the murder mystery plot? Could we get the police involved in this? There are entire prime time TV shows dedicated to solving medical mysteries and crime scene investigations. We could really do a lot with this plot, bring in new characters, give the police force something to do.
Guza: Hold on there, little missy. I think we have that covered with Patrick and Robin.
SW: But I don’t think that is actually their job. Couldn’t we have a story about someone with an illness that they are trying to help? Or maybe have Patrick and Robin involved in Matt’s life?
Guza: Right now we need a way to put Sam and Jason together. So we need to focus on the murder mystery.
Guza: *sigh* I forget I must explain all the brilliant ideas to you. The murder mystery had to happen to make Alexis a suspect for the murder. Alexis had to be a suspect for the murder so that she would be a clear suspect for the car crash. Alexis had to be a suspect for the car crash so that she can confess to protect Kristina. And she needs to protect Kristina because Kristina is on the run with Michael. Ipso, facto, Michael and Kristina on the run leads to a Jason and Sam reunion! Presto! Brilliant!
Sleazy: I like it. Can Sam get all hot and sweaty?
Guza: Of course!
Lazy: Can we get Liz and Nik drunk to make them a couple?
Guza: Whoa! Genius! Lazy, you just came up with the best twist we’ve had on the show in years!
SW: *banging head on table* Can I at least write a romantic scene for Patrick and Robin?
Guza: Um, maybe in a couples of months. For now, you get the Patrick and Robin scenes and maybe some Diane and Alexis. We can’t have too much screen time with over opinionated women. We will turn the entire audience off. Now who has more ideas for Sonny and Jason?