ATTENTION, PEOPLE OF PORT CHARLES:
There seems to have been some sort of mistake. Your lives are meant to be humorless and full of misery. Gatherings of more than five are allowed only in the case of funerals and/or massacres. There is to be no affection between family members, and people who do not normally speak to each other should never, ever acknowledge one another’s existence, even if you find yourselves in the same room for an extended period of time.
Laughter, good humor, and fun are all strictly forbidden within town limits. Also, romance, love, and respect between members of a couple are not allowed. (Contempt and abusive sex should remain your only forms of communication with each other).
Now, it has come to my attention that in flagrant violation of all these rules, many of you have persisted in smiling, co-mingling, and enjoying one another’s company this week. The following people are thus officially ON NOTICE:
You must cease and desist all this happiness and joy at once. Do you want the viewers to feel like they’re watching a real soap opera?
(Special note to Claudia, Sonny, and Nikolas: Congratulations! You are obviously the only people in town with respect for the rules. Expect a fruit basket from me some time soon. Or a car bomb! Hahahaha… just kidding. OR AM I?)
Your Lord and Master,
Okay, in case the above wasn’t clear enough, now I’m going to gush some more. Because I’m flabbergasted. Really! Cast integration? Intentional humor? Multiple romances? An absence of violent deaths? This is not the General Hospital I know and loathe!
There’s been too much wedding goodness in the last two days to cover it all in depth. So, bullet points of love:
- Maxie and Spinelli may have kind of, sort of won me over:
And this after I spent so much time ranting about their suckitude last week! Well, never let it be said I can’t be swayed by good writing. Spinelli’s vows were honestly touching, and addressed a lot of the big issues that had been bothering me about his recent behavior. It probably also helped that his hair wasn’t a complete mess for once.
- And then, of course, Mac and Maxie made me cry:
MAXIE: You’re enjoying yourself
MAC: Never been better.
MAXIE: Is it because Spinelli and I didn’t get married?
MAC: I just want you to be happy.
MAXIE: I am happy. I have someone very special who loves me.
MAC: That is rare.
MAXIE: I wasn’t talking about Spinelli. I was talking about you. You’ve loved me my whole life, and I feel really lucky for that.
MAC: I’m the lucky one.
(My one quibble is there wasn’t a single scene with Bobbie or mention of BJ. Bobbie was there in the background at the ceremony, so it’s not like they weren’t already paying Jacklyn Zeman to show up. WEAK.)
- If I was more delusional paranoid, I’d suspect The Powers That Be were trying to trick me into liking Ethan by having him sing one of my favorite songs of all time. But INXS is a crowd pleaser! I’m helpless against it! (Also, teaching the kids how to play poker? Kind of adorable. Damn it.)
- As for the rest of the karaoke… I have no words for this. NO WORDS:
- Robin plotting with Coleman was utterly charming. And Patrick and Robin setting up Matt and Lulu was fun and sweet, even if I know it will never come to anything. Oh, how I love these two when they’re functional and happy!
- Johnny and Olivia are love. I don’t know what else to say to express my delight over their sweet ILUs. How can the writers possibly justify having her choose Sonny over Johnny’s salty goodness? THE MIND BOGGLES.
- I doubt I’ll ever really be able to love Jason and Sam, but come on. I’M NOT MADE OF STONE, PEOPLE. That whole tie scene? Was too cute for words. And kind of hot:
- Seeing Alexis with all her girls made my heart smile. Especially dancing with Kristina as Molly sang. Nancy Lee Grahn, please feel free to shake your hips in my general direction any time!
- I cannot get over how likeable Lulu is these days. She’s toned down the smug smuggery and become a genuinely nice and nuanced character. When she told Maxie she loved her, I actually sniffled a bit. And the purse was such a perfect touch. Loved the wedding toast, and her teary, feeling-slightly-left-out reaction to seeing her two best friends so happy together was perfectly and sympathetically played. I guess it’s official. I… no longer hate Lulu Spencer. SO STRANGE.
- Speaking of women I adore:
ALEXIS: This is a horrible little tradition. Why are we doing this?
KATE: Because we’re single. And we’re fabulous. We have good taste and high standards.
AHAHAHAHA! Oh, ladies. How I wish that was true. But you have the combined WORST TASTE and LOWEST STANDARDS of nearly anyone on this show. Sonny, Ric, Jerry, Coleman… need I go on? I mean, really.
(Still, you are both fabulous. Please become delightful BFFs again and spend your time drinking fancy cocktails and mocking the rest of the town!)
- Maxie’s reaction to Kate hooking up with Coleman, by the way? HILARIOUS:
Kate’s wonderfully supportive reaction to hearing the wedding was called off made my day. Why can’t they find a way to write for this Kate more often? I want to see her mentoring Maxie and Lulu, making business deals with Jax, repairing her relationship with Olivia. Not swanning in to wax poetic about what a great father Sonny is and make everyone’s lives miserable once every three months.
- These episodes were so good that even things that would normally drive me up the wall — the words “essential person” passing Maxie’s lips, Carly waxing nostalgic over banging Jason upstairs at Jake’s, Lulu thanking Maxie and Spinelli “for showing us what love is,” Kate’s inexplicable new blond dye job — did not even bother me.
- Finally, am I crazy, or would everyone singing “I Want to Know What Love Is” make a great new closing credits shot? (The best part? No Sonny!)
When the writing inevitably returns to craptacular form, at least we’ll always be able to say we had Maxie and Spinelli’s wedding. (Put that down on the list of sentences I never thought I’d type.)