I’m so torn. How do you rate an episode where so much awesome truth-telling was matched against so much rampant douchebaggery? I think I’ll just let the characters speak for themselves on this one:
DOUCHEBAG #1: Sonny
SONNY: Yes, Jerry Jax. The brother of the man who married Carly. Go ahead, Jax! Tell everyone how long you knew this news. That your brother got your stepson shot.
Um, Sonny? Hi. Remember how this whole party is because you married the woman who got your son shot? Just checking.
Honestly, Sonny was so horrible in this episode, the thought of cataloging every douchetastic word that came out of his mouth exhausts me. Just assume that if Sonny was talking, he was being an asshole.
TRUTHTELLER #1: Claudia
CLAUDIA: Sonny kidnapped Johnny, locked him up in a padded cell, had his guys beat the crap out of him. Then he told Johnny he was going to kill him, and that he was going to kill me. I just did what I had to do to protect us.
CARLY: Yeah, you just hire Jerry Jacks and Ian Devlin to take out Sonny. That’s great, Claudia.
CLAUDIA: Sonny would have done the exact same thing, Carly, and you know it. You were married to the guy. But I had no idea that Michael was going to be in the warehouse. I had no way of knowing that Ian was crazy enough to take a shot with a child there.
Claudia may be a trainwreck of a character, but when she’s right, she’s right.
I’m actually surprised that any of the writers remembered the exact reasons why all of this is actually Sonny’s fault in almost every way, and I’m sure we won’t be hearing much more from either Jason or Sonny to acknowledge that fact. But damn. That was refreshing.
DOUCHEBAG #2: Sam
SAM: Listen, Sonny and Jason are going to make sure she pays, don’t worry.
In what universe is that an appropriate response to give a traumatized kid? Has sex with Jason already caused Sam to break so far from reality that she honestly thought Kristina was upset because her step-mother escaped from her father without being brutally killed? Seriously?
The bitchface pictured above after Kristina explained that she was actually crying because she was worried about her brother and his mother was just icing on the douchey cake. Shut up, Sam’s bitchface.
TRUTHTELLER #2: Kristina
KRISTINA: I’m sorry I disobeyed you. I know you wanted me to stay, and I wish I had. This whole time, I always thought that you were being unfair to me and unfair to dad. I thought you were keeping me away from him because you wanted me to yourself. But now I get it. I didn’t know dad could be like that. It was like he was someone I didn’t even know. He was just… he was a monster!
Wow, guys. Was that as good for you as it was for me? I actually did a slow clap in my living room. Enjoy it while you can, because I’m sure it won’t last.
OLIVIA: Because I know you. Sonny, I know how good you can be.
It’s amazing how fast my Olivia love can turn to disgust the second she starts talking to Sonny.
Listen, Liv. Guilt doesn’t work on Sonny. Appealing to his better instincts? HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY. That’s the problem. Stop making excuses based on the fact he was nice to you that one time twenty years ago and embrace reality: Sonny isn’t a wounded puppy or a good man who sometimes does bad things; he’s a bad man who very occasionally feels a little bad about the bad things he’s constantly doing.
TRUTHTELLER #3: Alexis
I don’t think dialog is really needed here. This scornful eyebrow pop in response to Sonny’s self-serving bullshit really says it all. Why can’t Olivia take some notes from Alexis instead of Carly on how to deal with her child’s awful father?
DOUCHEBAG #4: Scrubs
ROBIN: There was no way we could predict what Sonny would do.
PATRICK: I’m not defending the guy, but he did just find out that his wife was involved in his son getting shot. Now, I don’t want to admit how I would be in that situation.
It pains me to see you on this list, Robin, but yes: who could have foreseen the violent career criminal with poor impulse control would react poorly to news like this? If only there was something you could have done to prevent it! Say, if you’d had prior knowledge Claudia committed a crime and turned it over to your UNCLE the POLICE COMMISSIONER, instead of deciding you should keep your nose out of other people’s murder plans.
And Patrick, I think Robin’s reaction to your idiotic Sonny-defense speaks for itself:
That look, combined with the quote below, totally redeemed her in my eyes:
TRUTHTELLER #4: Robin
ROBIN: I am just so sick of the violence in this town, and it always seems like Sonny is right in the center of it.
Considering how many times Robin’s been shot at simply for being in Jason and Sonny’s presence, I’m not sure why this would be a revelation, but it’s nice to hear it acknowledged by someone other than Alexis and Mac for once. Rock on, Robin.
DOUCHEBAG #5: Jason
JASON: No, I don’t have a lead, I just want to go out there and look for Carly myself! I don’t understand the problem!
Yeah, you stupid cops — don’t you realize that Jason always solves every crime in this town by himself? (Well, except for the ones he commits, of course.)