Oh, the humanity!

When I read spoilers that Michael would be the one to kill Claudia, I knew it would be horrendous. I did not expect it to also be hysterically funny, but there I go, underestimating this show again.

To the director who decided to go with a wailing, Gladiator-esque, New Age soundtrack pumped over faux-artsy slow-motion shots of Michael bashing his step-mother in the face with an axe:

I SALUTE YOU, SIR!

That was extraordinarily entertaining, in the sense that I had to pause the TiVo several times for fear of choking on my dinner, I was laughing so hard.

Madonna and Child

The kicker was when the soundtrack went into overdrive as the camera rested reverently on Saint Jason’s hands lifting the baby (from where she’d been dropped after the woman holding her was hit. In the face. With an axe), to Madonna Carly’s beatific smile. I was surprised the director resisted the urge to have the rain stop and the heavens part to shine a ray of angelic light down on the scene.

The whole thing was just surreally, gloriously, fantastically BAD. I love it.

ANYWAY.

Of course instead of simply telling the truth about what happened, they’re going to cover it up — even though there is no way Michael would actually face any legal action for defending his mother from the psychopath who abducted her in front of numerous witnesses while she was in labor, and even though Jason, Sonny and Carly’s habit of never letting him face any consequences for his actions is exactly what led Michael to become the psychological nightmare he is today.

And, of course the cover up is being handled in such a ludicrously obvious manner that even the notoriously incompetent PCPD will have no choice but to look into it, meaning we’re in for months and months of fallout from this crap.

(Psst, Jason: when even Max can see the holes in your clever plan, perhaps it is time to reconsider.)

And, of course James Franco (or at least his body double) was lurking in the bushes while all this went on, because everyone in the world was able to stumble upon Carly and Claudia’s cabin, except for — you know, the COPS.

We are in for a very long and painful sweeps, aren’t we?

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