Every episode is like an education…

Hey, ladies! If you think you are turned on by things like mutual respect, consideration, selflessness, and being treated like a human being, then General Hospital has news for you: you’re wrong.

But don’t feel too bad! It’s not your fault. Lady brains are often wrong about the things they want and need. It’s a curse! Luckily, the GH writers are here to set us all straight about what actually turns women on:

1) Stalking:

OLIVIA: Okay, you know what, Sonny, this is starting to get a little creepy.
SONNY: Whuh?
OLIVIA: You’re basically stalking me now.

SONNY: Stalking is a harsh term. [Ed note: Yes, it is. Which is why YOU SHOULD STOP DOING IT.] I like to think of it more as, you know, the only way I can spend time with you.
OLIVIA: Yeah, without my consent.

So, his argument here is basically: “I recognize that stalking is a bad thing. I don’t want to think of myself as a bad person, therefore whatever I’m doing cannot be stalking. Ipso facto, bitches!”

Now, Sonny does have a point. After all, if he didn’t follow Olivia around town, use his position of life or death power over her boyfriend to get him out of the way, and trick her into his presence using lies and manipulation, she’d freely choose to not spend any time with him.

I mean, what else could he do? Respect her wishes? HAHAHAHA! Be serious!

2) Selfishness:

NIKOLAS: Of course I feel guilty, I’m betraying my brother! It’s a terrible thing to do. But just because he loves you doesn’t mean I don’t get to! Look, I know that we’re doing is completely crazy. And it’s wrong. And I feel terrible about it. But I just can’t switch myself off.

Hey, Nik? CRY MOAR. I mean, my God, he’s like a two year old upset about another kid playing with one of his toys.

And here I thought people nobly struggling to fight their passion for each other because IT’S WRONG was one of the hottest things ever. Turns out… no so much. Who needs pining when you can have childish douchebags whining about how they have the right to bone whoever want because denying themselves is just too haaaaaaard?

3) “No” means “Yes!”

SONNY: Just lighten up a little bit. You want–do you feel like leaving?
OLIVIA: I probably should. Except you’re just going to magically materialize wherever I happen to be going, right? So what’s the point?
SONNY: Maybe you should just accept defeat.

Remember, kids: it’s not love unless you’ve run your opponent into the ground until they’re too exhausted to fight you any more!

4) Condescension:

NIKOLAS: You do not love him the way you love me!
ELIZABETH: Don’t tell me how I feel…

Silly, Elizabeth. If he wasn’t mansplaining to you about your own feelings, it wouldn’t be romance! At least, not according to the GH wrtiters. See exhibit B:

SONNY: What is it about Johnny that you think you love?
OLIVIA: Why, because whatever he gives me, you think you can give me more and better?
SONNY: You said it, not me.

Well, seeing as the main thing Johnny gives her is respect, I really doubt that’s possible. But go ahead, Sonny. I would love to see you try. Let’s see your first effort:

SONNY: That’s a pretty long pause, trying to think about what you love about Johnny. Let me get you started: uh, being with him is a great way to annoy me.
OLIVIA: Of course you would find a way to make this about you.
SONNY: Am I wrong?
OLIVIA: Believe me, Sonny, I don’t make my romantic choices based on what you’re going to think of them.
SONNY: Sounds like you’re protesting a little too much.

… wow.

That sound your just heard? That was my condescension meter exploding. Good thing, too, because the next section of dialog, wherein she finally does describe Johnny as wild and soulful and genuine and loving and sweet — and Sonny responds by basically saying she only loves (sorry, thinks she loves) Johnny because he reminds her of Sonny — would no doubt have caused an explosion so big, the entire building might have been wiped out.

But don’t despair, there was one woman in this episode who stood up for herself and said, damnit, she’s not going to stand for disrespect:

LULU: Let’s just say that I don’t like being patronized and dismissed.

You go, girl!

… too bad she’s referring to Dante, one of the only guys on this show who isn’t a complete jackass.

Speaking of Dante, how awesome are he and Lucky together? I want to draw sparkly little hearts around them, playground style:

DANTE + LUCKY
PARTNERS 4-EVA!

LULU: Wait a minute, are you and Lucky, like, partners in crime-fighting now?
DANTE: Something like that. Your brother’s a good cop, he’s got great instincts.

First of all, do you know how nice it is to hear someone other than Carly described as having “great instincts?” SO NICE.

Second, how much do I want to watch the continuing adventures of Dante and Lucky: Partners in Crime-Fighting?

SO MUCH, OMG.

And I love that they were able to figure out that Franco = Homeless Dude = Psycho Killer in about five minutes, while it took the crack team of Jackal, McCall and Stone Cold roughly three weeks to jump to the same completely obvious conclusion.

Having smart cops goes against everything this show stands for, so I’m really dubious this will last. It’s fun to dream, though, isn’t it?

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12 thoughts on “Every episode is like an education…

  1. Oh god, when Nikolas pulled out the “just because he loves you doesn’t mean I can’t.” I yelled out, “No! That is exactly what it means!” GH made me hate the single tear of man pain! How could they do this to me?
    Also, Sonny saying that Johnny is like him makes me want to hurt him severely. He is so full of shit.

    • Yesterday was so gross…Nikolas & Sonny have truly become the same person. Ick.

      On a happy note, I’m enjoying Kate+Coleman – so wrong, it’s right.

      • Yeah, I did enjoy Kate and Coleman, except when they were shilling “Nine.” If that is where they are headed to save daytime, I’m going to have trouble.

  2. I completely agree with on dante and lucky. they are my new favorite couple. that’s right i said it. no shame here. luckily i didnt post on yesterdays episode so i was able to ff through the sonny/olivia scenes and was spared that torture. I would agree with you about nikolas except i just couldnt get past how well tyler nailed those scenes. as much as i dont like this whole boring ass triangle his portraly almost had me rooting for him. i know its strange but its true. unfortunately i thought rebecca just brought the whole scene right back to hokey level, but i still have to give it up to tyler.

    • For some reason, he has never been able to sell me on any of his romantic pairings, and this one is no exception. I love TC with family stuff. But romance just doesn’t work. Don’t know what it is about him…

  3. I have yet to watch this weeks episodes (i Friday night bing) but this blog (and serial drama) keep me posted on what to look forward too and now I can hardly wait for Friday. I may have to break tradition and check out the DVR tonight. But this post was so hilariously funny, that I reread it three times and STILL guffawed each time. I’m so glad that Olivia was allowed to actually say that what Sonny was doing was basically stalking, because thats what I was thinking two weeks ago, when he just kept showing up at her house demanding she do things with and for him, even though she keeps telling him NO. GH love consists of a two stalkers, Sonny and Franco. Ridiculous.

    • Don’t get your hopes up too high. She was entirely too easy on him for my tastes. I fear Sonny/Olivia is inevitable now…

      Shoot me now.

  4. I agree with you on all points. I love the Dante and Lucky pairing to pieces and remain shocked that they are being allowed to be intelligent!

    The “brainstorming” conversations between Sam, Jason and Spinelli, otherwise known to me as the Scooby Doo crew, continue to bore me.

    Oh, and Nikolas and Sonny continue to be so awful, it amazes me. Sadly, I think you are right, and in a matter of time, we will be subjected to a Sonny/Olivia pairing. I wish Johnny would just dump her already (because she doesn’t deserve him) and quit the organization (because he doesn’t deserve Sonny’s shit) already.

    On another note, Spinelli is slowly becoming more tolerable to me! I pray they move him away from being such a cartoon, because it’s a good look on him.

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