Hey, ladies! If you think you are turned on by things like mutual respect, consideration, selflessness, and being treated like a human being, then General Hospital has news for you: you’re wrong.
But don’t feel too bad! It’s not your fault. Lady brains are often wrong about the things they want and need. It’s a curse! Luckily, the GH writers are here to set us all straight about what actually turns women on:
OLIVIA: Okay, you know what, Sonny, this is starting to get a little creepy.
OLIVIA: You’re basically stalking me now.
SONNY: Stalking is a harsh term. [Ed note: Yes, it is. Which is why YOU SHOULD STOP DOING IT.] I like to think of it more as, you know, the only way I can spend time with you.
OLIVIA: Yeah, without my consent.
So, his argument here is basically: “I recognize that stalking is a bad thing. I don’t want to think of myself as a bad person, therefore whatever I’m doing cannot be stalking. Ipso facto, bitches!”
Now, Sonny does have a point. After all, if he didn’t follow Olivia around town, use his position of life or death power over her boyfriend to get him out of the way, and trick her into his presence using lies and manipulation, she’d freely choose to not spend any time with him.
I mean, what else could he do? Respect her wishes? HAHAHAHA! Be serious!
NIKOLAS: Of course I feel guilty, I’m betraying my brother! It’s a terrible thing to do. But just because he loves you doesn’t mean I don’t get to! Look, I know that we’re doing is completely crazy. And it’s wrong. And I feel terrible about it. But I just can’t switch myself off.
Hey, Nik? CRY MOAR. I mean, my God, he’s like a two year old upset about another kid playing with one of his toys.
And here I thought people nobly struggling to fight their passion for each other because IT’S WRONG was one of the hottest things ever. Turns out… no so much. Who needs pining when you can have childish douchebags whining about how they have the right to bone whoever want because denying themselves is just too haaaaaaard?
3) “No” means “Yes!”
SONNY: Just lighten up a little bit. You want–do you feel like leaving?
OLIVIA: I probably should. Except you’re just going to magically materialize wherever I happen to be going, right? So what’s the point?
SONNY: Maybe you should just accept defeat.
Remember, kids: it’s not love unless you’ve run your opponent into the ground until they’re too exhausted to fight you any more!
NIKOLAS: You do not love him the way you love me!
ELIZABETH: Don’t tell me how I feel…
Silly, Elizabeth. If he wasn’t mansplaining to you about your own feelings, it wouldn’t be romance! At least, not according to the GH wrtiters. See exhibit B:
SONNY: What is it about Johnny that you think you love?
OLIVIA: Why, because whatever he gives me, you think you can give me more and better?
SONNY: You said it, not me.
Well, seeing as the main thing Johnny gives her is respect, I really doubt that’s possible. But go ahead, Sonny. I would love to see you try. Let’s see your first effort:
SONNY: That’s a pretty long pause, trying to think about what you love about Johnny. Let me get you started: uh, being with him is a great way to annoy me.
OLIVIA: Of course you would find a way to make this about you.
SONNY: Am I wrong?
OLIVIA: Believe me, Sonny, I don’t make my romantic choices based on what you’re going to think of them.
SONNY: Sounds like you’re protesting a little too much.
That sound your just heard? That was my condescension meter exploding. Good thing, too, because the next section of dialog, wherein she finally does describe Johnny as wild and soulful and genuine and loving and sweet — and Sonny responds by basically saying she only loves (sorry, thinks she loves) Johnny because he reminds her of Sonny — would no doubt have caused an explosion so big, the entire building might have been wiped out.
But don’t despair, there was one woman in this episode who stood up for herself and said, damnit, she’s not going to stand for disrespect:
LULU: Let’s just say that I don’t like being patronized and dismissed.
You go, girl!
… too bad she’s referring to Dante, one of the only guys on this show who isn’t a complete jackass.
LULU: Wait a minute, are you and Lucky, like, partners in crime-fighting now?
DANTE: Something like that. Your brother’s a good cop, he’s got great instincts.
First of all, do you know how nice it is to hear someone other than Carly described as having “great instincts?” SO NICE.
Second, how much do I want to watch the continuing adventures of Dante and Lucky: Partners in Crime-Fighting?
SO MUCH, OMG.
And I love that they were able to figure out that Franco = Homeless Dude = Psycho Killer in about five minutes, while it took the crack team of Jackal, McCall and Stone Cold roughly three weeks to jump to the same completely obvious conclusion.
Having smart cops goes against everything this show stands for, so I’m really dubious this will last. It’s fun to dream, though, isn’t it?