Ah, 2009. Filled with repetitive drivel, an outbreak of SORAS and a cornucopia of casting craziness.
Let’s take a look back, shall we?
General Hospital 2009:
PATRICK: Here, hold your daughter.
ROBIN: I’m a bad mom. Patrick is a better father than I am a mother.
JERRY: Hello, dear brother. I’m confessing my rather minuscule involvement in Michael’s shooting for no particular reason, but you can never tell your wife because she wouldn’t be able to forgive you for… being my brother. Or… something.
JAX: That makes total sense. I’m sure this secret won’t at all come back to haunt me in roughly nine months time!
JERRY: I’ve also got a present for you, Claudia, darling! I’m not even on this show anymore, but that’s not going to stop me from being creepy and illogical! These DVDs implicating the two of us in Michael’s shooting are hidden around your house. Isn’t this a wonderful game?
CLAUDIA: … Seriously? Well, guess I’ll wait until someone is just about to come in the room before I look for them.
SONNY: What are you doing?
CLAUDIA: Nothing! Let’s have gross sex with sabotaged protection so that I can get pregnant with your baby in an attempt to prevent my inevitable murder.
SONNY: Works for me.
LEYLA: Hey, everyone, remember me? I haven’t had a plot in months, but it turns out I’ve had a rich social life off screen, and now I have a fiancé and am finally happy!
EPIPHANY: Wow, that will absolutely make us forget what a wasted character you were when you are inevitably sacrificed in a cheap attempt to lend this latest sweeps stunt some emotional impact without killing anyone who actually matters.
LEYLA: … what!?!
EPIPHANY: Oh, nothing.
NIKOLAS: Who is that mysterious, raccoon-eyed Emily look alike?
ENTIRE CAST: What did we say about talking to your tumor?
NIKOLAS: IT’S NOT A TUMOR!
SPINELLI: Wonder of wonders! There is a splendiferous girl who actually looks and talks like the Jackal! Now the cyber world can be ruled by two assassins of the internet!
20 hundred hours until something super bad happens!
PATRICK: I have to check on Robin because we now live SO FAR AWAY from the hospital and there is a BIG STORM coming.
ROBIN: To prove I’m not a bad mother, I’m going to take my daughter who has a slight fever out in the BIG STORM, despite the fact that we live SO FAR AWAY from the hospital and also, I am a freaking medical doctor.
CURRENT PORT CHARLES SWEEPS CRISIS: You will all die! Except for any of the major characters! But any of you minor characters or ones with the last name Quartermaine, you’d better watch the fuck out!
PORT CHARLES: *explodes in a fit of snow, wind and insanity*
15 hundred hours until something super bad happens!
JASON: Toxic Balls!
SPINELLI: Toxic Balls!
VIEWERS: Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls!
FBI: No one can leave! Jason Morgan, you are our only hope!
10 hundred hours until…screw it, you get the point.
KATE: I know my life is in danger, but I need to find that DVD! I can’t just tell Sonny what I saw on it — that wouldn’t be dramatic enough!
OLIVIA: Kate, you have lost your freaking mind.
KATE: Shut up, Olivia. I must have that DVD! I can’t think about anything else! It is the most important thing… oh, hell. I can’t even convince myself of that. Let’s get out of here.
TREVOR: I have the balls! I’ve got a golden ticket. This will give me everything I have ever wanted.
TREVOR: *falls to his death, conveniently removing any need for him to explain his crazy troll logic*
JASON: You mess with the Morgan and you get the horns. Or… something.
FIRE: Ha, ha! I will kill you all. Not with the heat or the smoke, of course, but by slowly irritating you into oblivion!
JASON: I’m not scared of you! The giant muscles in my neck make me immune to smoke inhalation!
FIRE: Then I will just take over the hospital with my flames! There aren’t even any sprinklers to stop me!
JASON: Naive fire! None of the buildings in Port Charles have sprinkler systems, and the town only has a fire department during the month of February. They don’t need fire safety when they have Jason Morgan! *bitch slaps the fire into submission*
ROBIN: Good thing I was raised by cops and spies, so I know the best thing to do if stranded in a storm with an infant is head straight into the woods instead of following a road that might lead to a house or another car. Oh, why is the hospital SO FAR AWAY? Say, that tree sure looks warm!
MAXIE: Of course she put Emma in a tree! It’s warm in there.
MAC: It was a smart parenting move!
PATRICK: There is absolutely nothing wrong with Robin!
JOHNNY: Oh, whatever.
CURRENT PORT CHARLES SWEEPS CRISIS: Wait, am I over? Well, that was lame.
JOHNNY & LULU: We are still a couple and you should totally care about that!
VIEWERS: *crickets chirping*
LULU: We have some serious drama! Johnny has to go on fake dates with Maxie! The horror!
CLAUDIA: I’m going to start my streak of calling every woman who talks to Sonny a bitch or a whore. Catchy, huh?
SONNY: No one really cares what I’m doing right now, but I’m sure it is sexist and disgusting.
NIKOLAS: My new favorite activity is watching Rebecca sleep. No, I don’t think that is creepy at all.
ALEXIS: Have I mentioned lately you remind me more and more of your father every day?
LUCKY: I think Sam and I should break up because I can’t stand her being in danger. Please ignore the fact that I’m a freaking cop who grew up with a strong female role model who easily kept up with my father’s capers.
SAM: I completely understand. I mean, how else could the writers completely press the reset button on the entire last two years of story for you, me, Jason, and Elizabeth?
DIANE & MAX: Don’t forget women’s heart health! Instead of participating in an organic story about this, we’re going to mention Campbell’s Heart-healthy foods until your ears bleed. It’s just because we care! We swear!
JASON: The FBI has some lame-ass evidence against Spinelli. *brood* They want me to give them evidence against Sonny. *brood* I’m brooding so much because I’m hoping you might think for a moment that I could turn on my boyfriend. *brood* But my other boyfriend needs me! What’s a savior to do?
ETHAN: ‘Allo, mates! Look at me, I’m such a scamp! I like to hussle people and Luke is my idol! No, I am not Luke’s long lost son! Let me blind you with my teeth to distract you.
ZOMG! CARLY HAS A HIGH RISK PREGNANCY! ALERT! ALERT!
RIC: Ooh, a strange DVD hidden at my brother’s house? Do I smell kinky sex tape? *watches* Damn. Well, there must be a way I can use this to completely destroy my character before I’m thrown away by TPTB. Blackmail sex? Done.
ROBIN: Ooh, look at the shiny water! *splash*
PATRICK: It was perfectly reasonable for Robin to fall off the docks! Those things are a death trap! I’m sure people fall off them all the time! SHUT UP THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ROBIN!
Meanwhile, in Rochester…
ROBIN: Who’s Robin? I’m just an unassuming pharmaceutical rep with no husband and no family. Nope, absolutely none.
PATRICK: Robin just needs her space! It’s perfectly normal to just take off and abandon your husband and newborn child without a word! NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ROBIN!
MAC, MAXIE, MATT, LIZ: GO FIND YOUR WIFE!
PATRICK: … fine.
*treks to Rochester*
PATRICK: I just caught my mentally ill wife in a dubious situation with a strange man. Well, she seems to have everything under control. Guess I’ll just leave without saying a word.
*stomps off to make an ‘Ask Me About My Wife’s Postpartum Depression’ t-shirt*
ROBIN: I’m back! I just needed a break. I’m perfectly fine! My goodness, these stairs look perfect placed for a stroller cat fight!
ENTIRE CAST: YOU HAVE POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION, DUMMY!
ROBIN: I will go to treatment now.
(Two seconds later)
ROBIN: All better!
ENTIRE CAST: YAY!
HOLLY: Hey, long-time viewers, just forget that stuff in the past where I was a surrogate mother to Robin, loving wife to Robert, and someone who actually cared about people in Port Charles. Now I’m nothing but a liar and a con woman who enjoys playing cruel mind games with everyone I’ve ever loved.
VIEWERS: Good to know.
ETHAN: So this bloke, Robert, is my dad?
HOLLY: Sure! That works!
ROBIN: Yeah, sorry. I actually remember history, and… not so much.
LUKE: Oops, I knew I should have used protection when I had that history-destroying affair!
LUCKY: … anyone else want to come crap on my childhood? The line forms here.
*Tony Geary leaves for vacation– er, Helena kidnaps Luke*
ETHAN: … Daddy?
REST OF LUKE’S FAMILY: Told you so.
WRITERS: It’s ironic, see, because Luke didn’t actually abandon his family this time! He wouldn’t do that to a son who wasn’t Lucky!
ETHAN: Hah! Rebecca was going to just waltz into town, tell everyone the truth, and ask for a handout. But I, master con artist that I am, convinced her to pretend her exact resemblance to Emily was a wacky coincidence and then just wait for the money to flow! I am a genius!
NIKOLAS: Oh, yeah? Well, my master con is to make Rebecca think I’ve forgiven her, lure her into falling in love with me, then pay you a million dollars to take her off my hands while I screw my brother’s fiance!
ETHAN: You win. That is a WAY stupider plan.
HOLY SHIT, MICHAEL IS AWAKE AND… a teenager?
MICHAEL: I hate my stupid mom and this stupid hospital and every stupid person in it!
KRISTINA: Mmmm, Jason Morgan is tasty!
VIEWERS: *try not to vomit*
DOMINANTE: Hey kids, none of us know it, but we have the same father and it is totally ironic that I’m holding you up at gun point right now!
MORGAN: This whole situation makes no sense.
MICHAEL: My dad is totally going to kill you!
ZOMG! CARLY HAS A HIGH RISK PREGNANCY! ALERT! ALERT!
MAXIE: Essential person, essential person, essential person, essential person!
SPINELLI: Maximista! Maximista! Maximista!
ELIZABETH: I miss my best friend and I’m jealous of her creepy look-alike.
NIKOLAS: You’re pretty when I’m drunk.
ELIZABETH: I have never been so turned on before.
DANTE: So yeah, I’m really Dante like you all thought. But guess what? I’m also a cop and I’m gonna take Sonny down!
VIEWERS: Sure you are.
DANTE: Hey there, cutie. I know I’m undercover and romance should be the last thing on my mind, but I’m going to use the patented General Hospital “I’m gonna tell you that you like me and then you will” move. It works every time.
LULU: OMG, you’re totally right! I can’t admit it but I totally *heart* you!
MICHEAL: I HATE YOU, MOM! I CAN NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR GETTING PREGNANT WHILE I WAS IN A COMA, AND I KNOW YOU NEVER VISITED ME EVEN IF EVERYONE SAYS YOU DID!
SONNY: Yeah, that whole coma thing was totally my bad. Can you ever forgive me?
MICHAEL: Are you kidding? There’s nothing to forgive! You’re the best dad ever and can I live with you and be like you and make a coat out of your skin so I can have you with me all the time?
SONNY: … I’m beginning to think I might have made some mistakes while raising you.
CARLY: I’m so tired of Michael being angry. Guess I’ll pawn him off on the relatives I stole him from as a baby. Hey, Quartermaines! He’s your problem now, bitches! Oh, and here, have a dubiously legal temporary license!
SONNY: Well, I’m tired of Michael being angry, so I’m going to buy him a super sweet sports car!
CARLY: What are you doing, trying to buy his love? Oh wait, we both kind of suck as parents.
ROBIN: Looks like the mayor’s mistress has come down with a case of MURDER MOST FOUL. Suit up, doctors! We certainly can’t trust the cops to solve this thing!
PATRICK: You’re hot when you’re all super-spy like.
ROBIN: It must be the mayor! Arrest him! No, wait — it must be Alexis! She was mad with jealousy because they slept together years ago even though she was sick from chemotherapy at the time and they’ve never mentioned it or acted like lovers in any way since! No, wait — it must be the mayor’s wife! I have no proof, but she keeps lurking around so it can’t be anyone else!
MATT: You’re not actually very good at this, are you?
HOT PEOPLE: *sing and have fun*
JOHNNY: I’m hot, drunk, and single.
OLIVIA: Me too!
JOHNNY: So… how’s about a one night stand that will turn into a months long love affair much hotter than anything else this show has done in years?
OLIVIA: Sorry, did you say something? It was hard to tell with my tongue down your throat.
VIEWERS: We are surprisingly okay with this.
KRISTINA: I have a totally awesome boyfriend. So what if he acts just like my dad? Your point?
CLAUDIA: I’m pregnant for realz! Sure, Sonny has already managed to single-handedly populate the next generation of Port Charles, but he needs one more!
SONNY: I don’t believe you were the reason Michael got shot, even though TONS of people have told me you did it, and you’re really the only one with motive. But I totally think Ric is the father of that baby just because Ric says so.
RIC: You know what? This is just stupid. I’m out, y’all. I bet they know how to treat an Emmy winner right on B&B.
SARAH BROWN: See you soon!
SARAH BROWN: Oh, nothing!
MICHAEL: I think I hit Claudia and actually feel guilt. Are you sure I’m Sonny’s son?
KRISTINA: I think I hit Claudia, but I’m gonna let my brother take the blame. I… kind of suck, actually. I’m sure that’s my mother’s fault somehow. If only I’d had a mom as awesome as Carly!
VIEWERS: *drink heavily*
MAC: Who did this? Must be Alexis! If she’d commit one crime, she’d commit them ALL! That’s just logic.
SONNY: Yeah, I may be the worst human being in the universe, but even I’m not that stupid.
VIEWERS: Sonny… not being… a jerk. DOES. NOT. COMPUTE.
CLAUDIA: I am completely devastated by the loss of this child I tricked my husband into having to keep him from murdering me. REVENGE! I must send Jerry Jax to get my husband’s children and… well, we don’t have to think that far ahead.
JERRY: Did you miss the part where I’ve tried to have you killed on numerous occasions?
CLAUDIA: If you do this for me, you’ll have the chance to hurt the children of the only people you’ve ever claimed to love.
JERRY: Hmm… can I sexually menace Sam while I’m at it?
CLAUDIA: Go nuts.
JERRY: DON’T MIND IF I DO!
JASON: Here I come to save the day!
JERRY: Ha ha! This was all a trap! But instead of making sure I’ve killed you, I’m going to leave you to die like some Austin Powers villain! Fool proof plan!
JASON: I have a bullet in my shoulder and I’m horny as hell. Real men do it with a gaping wound.
SAM: Talk dirty to me some more, big boy.
MOLLY: I’ve got mad carnival math skills, yo.
VIEWERS: Are we drunk, or was that dunk tank scene actually fun?
Oh, but wait, here comes the… CARNIVAL OF DEATH!!!
*cue Quartermaine getting hurt*
WRITERS: See how ironic it is that Andrea drugging Edward led to her death! See! We are so awesome. High fives all around!
DANTE: Morgan, watch out for that car moving roughly ten miles an hour! You could be… MILDLY BUMPED! NOOOOOOOooooo! *does slow motion dive*
WRITERS: It’s super dramatic because he doesn’t know Morgan’s his brother, you see.
VIEWERS: YEAH, WE GET IT.
SONNY: I have a son who isn’t Michael?
JASON: OMG, stuffed animals of DOOM! Jake! I must walk off my man pain…
ALEXIS: Where’s Kristina?
SONNY: I have a daughter?
JOHNNY: My hotness repels bullets!
SPINELLI: The Jackal thanks your hotness.
VIEWERS: So confused… we can’t really curse the hotness, but did it really have to save Spinelli?
EPIPHANY: Edward needs someone who looks like a dead relative to make his medical decisions!
REBECCA: I got this!
LUCKY: Liz, Jake almost being killed by stuffed animals makes me realize how much I love you and my family. Marry me!
ELIZABETH: Hmmm… marry you again under false pretenses while having an affair with another man? Well, it worked out so well the last time…
VIEWERS: JUST SAY ‘NO!’
ELIZABETH: I don’t know how to say ‘no’…
VIEWERS: It’s easy: N-O.
ELIZABETH: Maybe Nikolas’ dick will help me learn how to say ‘no.’
VIEWERS: OUR EYES!
MAXIE & SPINELLI: We love each other enough to NOT get married and it was awesome!
VIEWERS: Yes! Yes, it was!
ETHAN: Oh, is it time for Tony Geary’s vacation to end already? Guess I’m getting a plot again. Hey, look: a mysterious text message from Greece!
LULU: I’m coming with you to help introduce this new Cassadine plot the writers are going to forget about for six months. Also, make sure you don’t tell Lucky. After all, if anyone could help rescue one of Helena’s kidnap victims, it wouldn’t be a cop who once spent a year in her clutches!
CLAUDIA: I can’t come up with a plan that isn’t crazy cakes, but I’m smart enough to figure out that Dante is really Sonny’s son! Time to kick my totally inappropriate interest in my brother’s love life up a notch!
OLIVIA: Crap, I am totally susceptible to blackmail, and also a really horrible liar. This sucks. I don’t love you, Johnny.
JOHNNY: Since when?
OLIVIA: Since now! I mean always! I mean, you’re totally too young for me! I mean, I’m hot for Sonny! I mean, shut up your stupid face!
LUCKY: Hey, guys, suddenly I’m a smart, multi-layered character who gets to have a valid point of view and a complex relationship with my father.
LUCKY: Also, I’m now being played by Jonathan Jackson.
VIEWERS: Okay, yeah. That makes total sense.
JASON: So, guess what? Turns out there was totally evidence proving Claudia got Michael shot just laying around for over a year! It even survived the toxic balls fire at the hospital! What a wacky coincidence that we would find it now, just as Sarah Brown is ready to leave the show!
ROBIN & PATRICK: As doctors, we’re opposed to murder. You know, in theory. But even though Sonny & Jason kill their enemies all the time, we’re sure this time they’re totally going to go to the police, so it’s all good!
Five minutes later…
SONNY: *head explodes*
PATRICK & ROBIN: HOW COULD WE HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?
KRISTINA: WTF! My dad is a lunatic!
ALEXIS: It’s like I’ve just been talking to myself all these years, you know?
SONNY: I just want you all to know that although I started this whole vendetta with Claudia by threatening her brother for no reason, then brought her into my home against the advice of just about everyone, and finally antagonized her while I knew she was armed in the middle of this gathering of all my closest friends and family… this is all Jax’s fault. Somehow.
JAX: Oh, goddamnit.
CLAUDIA: Oh, is this a sweeps stunt? Time to take Carly hostage!
ENTIRE CAST: BUT… ZOMG! CARLY HAS A HIGH RISK PREGNANCY!
CLAUDIA: Thanks for the baby! Gotta run!
AXE: Yeah, I don’t think so.
JASON, CARLY & SONNY: We can’t ever let Michael take responsibility for his actions! But how to keep the guilt from destroying him?
MICHAEL: Guilt? What guilt? That bitch deserved it!
SONNY: I’m so proud of you for becoming the sociopath I always knew you’d be.
CARLY & JASON: … we’ve made a terrible mistake.
LULU: Hey, Officer! Officer Dante Falconeri!
DANTE: You do understand the fact that I will be killed if you don’t shut up about that, right?
LULU: OFFICER! OFFICER! OFFICER! OFFICER! OFFICER!
DANTE: Remind me again what I see in you?
OMFG! JAMES FRANCO IS GOING TO BE ON GH!!
…aaaand he is going to be obsessed with Jason.
VIEWERS: *eye roll*
FRANCO: Hey, baby, are your panties still on?
MAXIE: Sadly, no.
VIEWERS: Wow, Bob Guza wishes that line would actually work.
LISA: I can’t believe Patrick is a happy family man now, because no one ever changes from the person they were in college! Did I mention he was WILD back then? He DRANK and had SEX and everything!
ROBIN: Yeah, I got that–
LISA: No, seriously, I don’t think you’re grasping the wildness.
ROBIN: I really think I get the pictur–
LISA: WILD, WILD, WILD, WILD! Also, how’s your sex life? That’s not weird to ask, is it?
JASON: Franco thinks we’re totally alike.
SAM: Jason, that is totally not true. Except for the whole killing people thing, but besides that…
FRANCO: Jason, I loves you! Let’s be bestest friends and braid each other’s hair! Snacks?
JASON: You are cracked and your snacks are pathetic!
FRANCO: *loses his shit*
And there you have it! Another year of GH down the tubes. Sure, there are still a few more episodes left, but let’s face it, they’ll be doing the same damn stuff for at least a month into the new year!
We here at Despair in the Afternoon hope you all have a safe, enjoyable holiday season and look forward to the pain, suffering and random moments of joy to come next year!