Well, the show hasn’t been boring this week, I’ll give it that much.
Okay, first things first: I have never in my life looked even half as pretty while hysterically crying as Rebecca Herbst does:
Seriously, how does she do that? If that was me, there would be snot and demon red eyes and all sorts of badness going on.
Second, let me say that I wholeheartedly agree with this assessment of how gross, unnecessary, and (sadly) typical the on-going slut-shaming of Elizabeth has been. Which isn’t to say that there haven’t been parts I thought were well done: Jonathan Jackson and Rebecca Herbst knocked it out of the park in yesterday’s awful, gut-wrenching, train wreck of a confrontation. (Tyler Christopher… was there too.)
Lucky and Lulu yelling at Nikolas was incredibly satisfying. Everyone in the hospital just stopping what they were doing — in Patrick, Lisa and Sonny’s case, discussing critical patient care — to listen to Lulu scream at Elizabeth was hilarious.
I hope that everyone who has ever complained about Elizabeth not getting called on her shit is enjoying this. For me, it’s just been really, really painful to watch. I have no problem with her facing anger and disgust for this, but the hypocrisy and over the top misogyny of the reaction thus far has sucked most of the fun out of what should have been fairly awesome soap.
At least Lucky had the excuse of being drunk, and was able to admit he’d crossed a line almost immediately afterward. But Lulu — who’s broken her share of homes and cheated on her share of lovers — really needs to cram it. She also needs to buy a less fugly coat, because this faux leopard print atrocity is making me blind with hate:
(Yes, I’m back to being annoyed with Lulu again. That was a short-lived reprieve.)
Finally, why does everyone seem to assume that Lucky will be dropping out of Cam and Jake’s lives now? Or that Jason giving up Jake was contingent on Lucky and Liz being together forever? They were co-parenting while divorced before and nobody batted an eye! The idea that Lucky would magically stop being their father just because he’s mad at their mother is so insulting. Which leads me to…
Brace yourselves, because this is going to be a shocker: Carly is the biggest, nastiest hypocrite in the history of the world.
CARLY: This torrid affair speaks volumes to Elizabeth’s character. And I realize I’m no saint, but I’m not cheating on a man who has opened his home and his heart to me with his brother.
Well, no. Just with his worst enemy. But I forgot! When Carly cheated on Jax with Sonny, it was okay, because that was just “a do-over.” And when Carly cheated on Jason with Sonny, that was okay because she really, really wanted to. And when Carly slept with her mother’s husband, that was okay because… actually, no. That will never, ever be okay and seriously: shut the hell up, Carly.
See, Elizabeth’s mistake was having an affair with a man she’d never slept with before. If she’d only read the Carly Benson Quartermaine Corinthos Corinthos Corinthos Alcazar Corinthos Jacks Handbook of Betrayal and Infidelity (which explicitly states that if you’re going to betray a man with his brother, you should make sure to also take the child you’ve asked him to love and raise as his own away with you when you go), she’d have known that if you’ve ever been married to a man, you have a free pass to have sex with him for the rest of your lives, regardless of your own marital status at the time.
CARLY: You’ve done so much for my kids. You’ve loved them. You’ve protected them. And you have taught them so many wonderful things. You could do the same for your son.
Yes, Jason’s protected Carly’s kids so well! Why, they’ve only been kidnapped the one or two times, and hell — Morgan’s never even been shot in the head and left in a coma for a year. That’s a 50% success rate in not getting her kids shot in the head! He’s also taught them so many wonderful things, like killing people is the only way to get respect, never trust the police, and bully your way out of trouble whenever possible. Boy, Jake sure is missing out!
In conclusion: shut it, Carly. You are the last person on the planet who should be passing judgment on anyone else’s parenting choices.
I admit, I was shocked when Michael heard Dante and Johnny’s hilariously unnecessary exposition on the docks. Part of me had given up on this story ever moving forward.
I was also shocked when, instead of hoarding that secret for ages, he immediately brought it to Sonny. I was not shocked when Sonny didn’t believe him, but that is because I’ve watched television before. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter, since the ABC promo monkeys — in all their infinite wisdom — have decided to run some incredibly spoilery ads promising the truth is finally going to come out this Friday, so… yeah. Whatever.
My excitement over finally getting some movement on this story is warring with my dread of the fallout, which — as we all knew it would — involves a lot of Dante feeling really bad about betraying the mobster who has ordered him to kill numerous people:
DANTE: It literally never occurred to me that I would have empathy for Sonny. His life is about to be blown apart, and it’s all because he made the fatal mistake of trusting me.
Okay, Dante, honey? Pretty sure that if Sonny were actually about to go to jail — which we all know he is not, because no one involved with this show loves me that much — but if he were… it would be because he made the fatal mistake OF BEING AN EFFING CAREER CRIMINAL.
How is this such a hard concept to grasp?
But what else can you really expect from a show that will cheerfully juxtapose dialog like this…
DANTE: I mean, even Sonny. He’s exactly like you say. He’s a deeply flawed man with some good going on.
… with dialog like this in the very same episode:
JASON: Are you really telling me our only option was to take Maxie out before she can be questioned by the cops?
SONNY: I’m just making a point. We don’t give up Michael. Whatever it takes, we make sure the cover holds.
Ladies and gentlemen: our noble heroes!