“CSI: Port Charles” Would Be The Shortest Hour On TV

It’s a well known scientific fact that whenever this show pleases us enough to write some really enthusiastic praise, we’re always punished for our optimism with something extra enraging shortly thereafter. So when the TiVo summary for Friday’s episode proclaimed “Olivia and Dante lie to protect Sonny,” my reaction wasn’t exactly what you’d call shocked.

(… my reaction was also to promptly spend some time getting caught up on Burn Notice and Leverage instead. Criminals who are treated like heroes because they break the law to help people? What a novel concept!)

Sadly, this morning, I could put GH off no longer. And within the first minute, Olivia said this to Mac and Ronnie:

The only thing clear and simple that I’m seeing here, is the two of you chomping at the bit to arrest Sonny for shooting Dante. And I don’t think I can help you.

Aaaaaand it all went down hill from there…

What I’m seeing right here? It confirms everything that Sonny ever told me about you guys. That you’re more concerned about throwing a net over him that you are about throwing a net over anyone else, including Dante.

Yeah, why do the police have to show such unseemly enthusiasm for arresting cop killers? What’s wrong with them? If they were really good people, they’d show some compassion for the guy who tried to kill their colleague and friend. Olivia, on the other hand, like any good mother who loves her son more than life itself, doesn’t want his attempted murderer punished in any way. Because that would be mean.

And she’s not alone in the crazy, of course. So, Dante’s official story is that he accidentally shot himself in the chest from five feet away, which is quite a trick. But you see, Sonny going down for shooting a cop wouldn’t be “clean,” because it was totally entrapment! And he’s already on the hook for another murder, so why make the case even stronger?

(Yeah, I don’t even know…)

Luckily for him, we know from Robin and Patrick’s earlier adventures in medical murder investigation that Port Charles doesn’t seem to have a functioning forensics department. So petty details like gun powder residue on the actual shooter’s hands or angle of impact won’t matter.

The one bright spot in all this has been Lulu’s continuing disgust with the thought that Sonny might get away with it all:

LULU: So Sonny lucks out again. How does he do it? I mean, it’s got to be a gift to be able to hypnotize the people you hurt the most into covering your ass.

How awesome has she gotten all of the sudden? Lulu wouldn’t spit on Sonny if he were on fire right now! I think I want to have her babies, for real.

But, wait! Olivia has an answer for everything, so no worries:

OLIVIA: Don’t think Sonny’s getting off clean on this, without any consequences. He shot his own son. The guilt is going to eat him up alive.

Right. Well, as we all know, in the criminal justice system, we don’t prosecute criminals who feel really, really bad about what they’ve done. Isn’t that the way that works?

BTW, I love this idea that guilt is the worst punishment for Sonny — because his guilt over getting Lily blown up, or Brenda shot at, or Alexis’ sister blown up, or his kids kidnapped, or Kate shot (twice!), or Michael shot and put in a coma… has really had such a lasting effect on his behavior.

I… hate this show, you guys. So, so much.

Then, of course, there’s Jax and Carly’s umpteenth fight about one of them lying, and also, how Jax is clearly the worst person in the world:

JAX: Can you look me in the eye and tell me that Sonny’s business hasn’t been an on-going threat to our family?
CARLY: So what? It’s awful. It’s terrible. But if you couldn’t take it, you never should have married me!

Much as it pains me to side with Carly on anything, she’s got one thing right: Jax should never have married her. She was exactly the same selfish, morally bankrupt, mob apologist then as she is now, and he knew when he saw her walking down the aisle that she would cheerfully risk her children’s lives and sell their innocence on a daily basis in order to keep Sonny and Jason in her life. So that’s totally his bad.

Nevertheless, this response is a thing of beauty:

JAX: Come on, Carly. Are you serious? Sonny may not have swung the axe handle at Claudia, but he’s killed plenty! And let’s not forget he’s the one who created the events that led to the cabin that night. Hell, he’s not some innocent here! He’s a criminal! He shot a cop that tried to arrest him — I mean what more proof do you need?

AHAHAHAHA! Oh, Jax. It’s so cute that you think any amount of “proof” would be enough to change Carly’s mind about Sonny at this point in the game. He put Michael in a coma for a year and she gave him the parental equivalent of a time out! You think him shooting a kid that isn’t even hers is going to make a difference?

Silly rabbit.

Lest you think my heart completely cold and dead, however, I will say that I was genuinely touched by Morgan’s visit to Dante’s hospital bed.

Aaron Refvem is quite the little actor! There are several adults on this show who couldn’t muster tears as convincing as the ones he was sporting when he told Dante he’s glad they’re brothers.

It also doesn’t hurt that he and Dominic Zamprogna have terrific sibling chemistry. Or that for once, the writers have managed to build a relationship that’s actually been earned.

Yes, I might have sniffled a bit at this point in the proceedings:

Oh, shut up.

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11 thoughts on ““CSI: Port Charles” Would Be The Shortest Hour On TV

  1. Well said! Agreed on all counts. I’m glad you posted because I couldn’t bring myself to think about this ridiculousness too much. Tweeting was as far as I could take it.
    I practically fell over when Lucky mentioned gun powder residue. But I almost think that is worse, since apparently it wasn’t standard procedure to test Sonny. They just use it as a threat to scare the criminals into…taking them seriously? Yeah, I got nothin’.
    This is just the same crap, different day. It is so lazy and boring and insulting. I can’t even be enraged because I expected it.
    Honestly, I just think it is a blessing that we can even get moments like the one between Dante and Morgan. Otherwise, I might just crack from the lack of sense.

    • Yeah, the fact that Lucky brought it up as a maybe was I think the most insulting part. I’d much rather pretend PC exists in an alternate universe where the technology doesn’t even exist than believe the PCPD just… doesn’t feel like using it.

  2. I pretty much agree on all points except for one. Technically, good Catholic girl that she is, Olivia didn’t lie about the shooting. She heard the shot but didn’t actually see the events. She didn’t know that her son was going to do something as stupid as make up a story about shooting himself so she assumed that Sonny was going down for it. Yeah, it’s pretty goofy writing but that’s the nature of this show most of the time.

    Dan’s gonna feel really bad when he finds out the Michael clobbered Claud. Except for the fact that she’s not dead. Seriously. There’s no way she’s dead. The actress may be gone but the character’s not.

    I wanna see Sonny go to jail and be in the same cell as Anthony. I also want to see Johnny take over the Corinthos organization. We gotta keep him on the show. Ethan, too. He makes the best reaction faces when he’s in the background.

    And just think – when Claudia comes back she’ll have a legitimate claim to everything Sonny leaves when he goes to jail! Woo hoo! Claud, Johnny, bossing Jason around!

    • Olivia didn’t lie about not seeing the actual shot, but she didn’t tell the truth about what she knows, either.

      Regardless, it’s her attitude that I’m taking issue with above — her lack of fury and disgust with Sonny, and the implication that the cops are somehow unjustly persecuting Sonny for… trying to convict him of crimes he actually committed.

  3. “she would cheerfully risk her children’s lives and sell their innocence on a daily basis in order to keep Sonny and Jason in her life.”

    Beautifully and frighteningly accurate. Somebody needs to staple that to Carly’s head.

    How is it that the Borg showed more emotion when he discovered that Sam watched his son being kidnapped than Olivia has shown after knowing Sonny attemptted to murder her child? WTF IS THAT?! Why is Guza gainfully employed when he is such a terrible writer?

    • I know, Jason’s completely nonplussed reaction to all this has been bizarre. I’ve just been boggling at the way they’re positioning the show heroes to act as if shooting a cop in cold blood — and not a dirty cop, even, but one who we are supposed to like and to have seen as just doing his job — is an acceptable thing to do.

      Not that that wouldn’t be an attitude I’d expect from real mobsters, but this is the Gummi Bear mob, who “open investigations” into possible traitors, and don’t believe in moving drugs because it’s bad for the community. There’s just such a disconnect between how the writing staff seems to view the world and how I hope at least a good portion of the audience does.

      Honestly, if I was a cop, or had a loved one who was, I might be pissed off enough to start writing ABC letters….

      • I have to agree with you one this point, except that i know from the reactions I have been seeing from other fans that we may be in the minority on this one. I don’t know which has disgusted me more: the fact that attempting to kill an unarmed (as you pointed out good cop) is only kinda bad or that alot of fans think that because criminals and cops are enemies than it is ok. I even read a comment where one fan wanted molly to fall victim to a mob hit. molly?!?!? right now the fans reactions are ticking me off more than the show. i expect this kinda stuff from gh, but i didnt expect it from the viewing public.

        • Ugh. That is why I restrict my reading of the blogs/boards pretty severely.

          It’s not that I don’t understand liking villains/amoral characters better than the ostensible heroes. I’ve felt that way about plenty of shows. But I’ve always been clear that those characters were villainous. GH’s insistence that being a career criminal is just another valid job choice really baffles me. There’s a lot of irony to be mined from having characters who think that way, but only if the show realizes the irony, you know?

  4. I only focused on the Dante/Morgan scenes I just can’t comment on the ridiculousness of this storyline…Why is Guza gainfully employed when he is such a terrible writer? That is the question I ask myself whenever I can muster the energy to watch this crapfest…

    I am still trying to figure out how a woman who’s baby’s crib was tagged by a psychopath can go all cutesy-poo wanting the reason why hitman to be that baby’s godfather with no hesitation…The show is just a walking contridiction in storytelling.

  5. Oh, how I’ve missed you guys! Well said, as usual. This episode was the one that reminded me what an asshole this show is. This is when the catch-up game got arduous and I had to take a break. The moral compass of the show’s “heroes” continue to point due south, and it’s become so tiresome that I really do struggle with the irrational belief that Guza hates us. Or is mentally unstable. Or both.

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