Is every other episode just going to keep ping-ponging wildly between THE BEST EVER, OMG and UGH, I JUST THREW UP IN MY MOUTH from now on? I can’t keep up anymore! At least when the show was consistently awful, I could safely schedule more enjoyable activities for that hour of my day.
(Trust me, nothing motivates you to clean the toilet more than the thought, “Well, it’s either this or get caught up on General Hospital…”)
Not that I’m really complaining because, come on. My only (non-Carly) problem with today’s episode is picking my favorite part — Dante telling Sonny he despises him? Johnny drunkenly heckling the PCPD? Michael actually listening to Jax? Olivia finally telling Sonny off? Lucky ruthlessly shutting Elizabeth down without resorting to ugly, out of character misogyny? Lulu’s reaction to finding Sonny at Dante’s bedside?
(Her exasperated “Oh, screw you!” kind of made my night.)
It was all so good! But you know, I think I’m going to have to go with this moment, because it reminded me why I watch soap opera in the first place:
I’m thinking of a word here… begins with an ‘R’… rhymes with ‘faux pants’… I think we used to see it a lot, back when this show was still set in a — whatchamacallit — place where they take care of sick people. Man, it’s on the tip of my tongue!
Whatever it is, it gives me schmoopy, tingly butterflies. Psst, writers — more, please!
But have no fear, gentle readers! Lest we get confused and think we’ve fallen into an alternate universe where mobsters are bad guys and the people who try to stop them don’t deserve to be shot in cold blood… well, there’s Carly and Jason.
I don’t have the energy to rant about what a DELUSIONAL, HYPOCRITE HORROR SHOW Carly is for the eighty-seventh time this year alone, so I’m just going to let her speak for herself:
JASON: Just so you know, you know that this is not the safest place for you and your kids to be.
CARLY: You’re here, so I need to be here.
Well, just so long as we’re all clear that having a sleepover with your BFF takes priority over your children’s safety…
CARLY: He has tunnel vision — all he sees is Sonny! And all the danger that surrounds Sonny! He truly believes — he truly believes — that everyone would be happier and safer with Sonny in prison.
I’m just going to pause and let the irony of Carly accusing someone else of tunnel vision when it comes to Sonny sink in.
JASON: Jax is this kid’s step-father! He’s supposed to protect Michael!
CARLY: He’s going to argue that he was! He’s gonna tell you that Sonny is so dangerous for Michael. He’s gonna say that it’s not just the violence, but it’s also the way he lives and how he’s not accountable for anything. Like Michael is better off with Sonny in prison. I don’t get it.
Laura Wright deserves an Emmy just for getting through that speech with a straight face. Seriously.
CARLY: How the hell do I live with a man who would hurt my kids like that?
Gee, Carly. I’d think you’d have figured this one out by now, considering you lived with Sonny for years– wait, I said I wasn’t going to rant this time, didn’t I?
I just can’t wait to tune in tomorrow to see whether
Jesus St. Jason– the show’s undisputed lead and romantic hero — will kill an unarmed cop in his hospital bed. What a riveting moral dilemma! (If, you know, you’re a sociopath!)