Ce n’est pas une rant.

In an effort to get caught up in time for the big 12,000th episode extravaganza tomorrow, I powered through four episodes this evening. (You’re welcome.)

… and in an effort to stave off the brain aneurysm I felt coming on as I listened to Sonny (!) try to explain the meaning of integrity (!!!) to Morgan, I will not be ranting about any of the petulant, whiny, delusional bullshit that came out of his mouth during those four episodes.

(Although — and this does not count as a rant! — I have to point out this hilariously kerfuzzled face he made when Olivia suggested that Dante, and not Sonny, was the one who should have been informed about their relationship:)

YOU SAY SONNY NOT CENTER OF UNIVERSE?
SONNY NO UNDERSTAND!

I’m also not going to rant about how much I hate the fact that Elizabeth has been reduced to a walking uterus again for the second time in as many years, or about how deeply skeevy I find this show’s treatment of women and mental illness.

I am not going to rant about Carly trying to guilt and browbeat Dante into compromising his own evidence to save the man who shot him. (Although, note to Carly: if Sonny really can’t survive in prison, then maybe — just maybe — HE SHOULD STOP FUCKING KILLING PEOPLE FOR A LIVING.)

I’m not going to rant about Jason actually having the nerve to bitch someone else out for not respecting the bonds of blood. (Oh, what I wouldn’t give for Ghost!Alan to have shown up in all his track-suited glory to toss a lightning bolt at his son’s hypocritical ass during that little speech!)

I am definitely not going to rant about Nikolas, even though his very existence is DEEPLY OFFENSIVE TO MY SOUL, and his sudden all-consuming need to have another child he can ignore and pawn off on Alfred and his grandmother makes me throw things at the screen. (But mainly because Elizabeth already took that rant for the team and ran with it, bless her crazy, little heart.)

I am going to rant about the way the writers seem hellbent on flushing Johnny down the toilet. But that is a rant for another day, my friends.

No, in an effort to be positive for once, I’m focusing on the things that didn’t make me want to tear my hair out in the past few days. To wit:

THINGS THAT DIDN’T SUCK

1) Patrick and Elizabeth, BFs 4-EVA:

That scene was so lovely, you guys. I have always really enjoyed their friendship — particularly because there are so few platonic male/female relationships left on this show, and because it’s been built on years of solid, caring foundation. This is the kind of thing that soaps used to do so well: relationships where people could talk and have quiet character moments.

2) Olivia telling Sonny’s pity party to shove it where the sun don’t shine:

Yeah, Sonny. Gangsters have a really great track record of keeping the people they love safe. […] You had that chance with Michael and with Morgan!

You want to talk about damage? How about the damage you did when you put a bullet in his chest?! […] I am sorry that I let that investigation go on for as long as it did, but I will never, NEVER apologize for keeping my kid out of your world of crime and corruption.

And you wanna know the proof that I did right? The proof is the fine man that I raised. He has values. He knows right from wrong. He’s a fine, upstanding man. Now can you look me in the eye and tell me that that’s the man he would have grown into if he would have grown up in your world? I didn’t think so.

Imagine that! A mother actually pissed at the man who shot her son in cold blood! Now I really have seen it all.

3) Jonathan Jackson’s shiny crocodile tears:

Yes, yes. I know he cries a lot. But you know what? After the couple of years Lucky’s had, I kind of figure it’s his party and he’ll cry if he wants to. Lord knows I would. Plus, he totally breaks my heart when he does.

4) Helena motherfucking Cassadine. Because she can get away with lines like this:

(to Elizabeth:) “Congratulations on your promiscuity. It certainly seems to be what you do best.”

HAH! She is fabulously, deliciously bitchy, and I adore her. Even when her story makes no sense. (Spencer isn’t a proper heir because Courtney wasn’t a worthy mother but Elizabeth’s child is A-Okay? Contrivance says what?)

And now, with those pleasant thoughts in mind, I leave you in anticipation of tomorrow’s new credits. Guys, I’m scared — if they don’t have any dead people in them, will this still be General Hospital?

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6 thoughts on “Ce n’est pas une rant.

  1. I say this as a fan of Jonathan Jackson’s from way back…I would find the constant tears excusable IF I DIDN’T SEE LUCKY CRY OVER WHAT HE HAD FOR BREAKFAST! (And I could excuse away his most annoying of ticks back in the day. You dont’ even want to know about my defense of the jazz hands) I would also get over if as a Greg fan I don’t recall every time Lucky got called a crybaby by certains fans and this show when Greg cried. Just saying. The clear double standard still grates my every last nerve.

    Normally I love Helena…I worship her (Which is odd for a long time Lucky fan like me but I do). But this storyline is soooo stuck on stupid I can’t really enjoy her usual icy godessness. Unless the point is to show Nikolas is so stupid he doesnt’ realize the only way this baby could possibly be the heir is if Helena kills Spencer….then well point made! Now have Helena kidnap the real Heir and lets get that story moving!

    The Patrick/Liz scene was great. If I can’t have my dream friendship of Lucky/Patrick (with real life BFFs Greg and Jason) then I’ll take a good helping of Electrick. Any one else here hoping that when the inevitable second paternity test happens (Cause who can’t tell Helena will mess with the first one? Come on..it’s Helena!) that PAtrick will be the one to run it? I know I am!

    Jason and Sonny normally drive me around the bend….but they have been reaching Nik like levels of doucheyness this week. Didn’t we just see Jason dither forever over if his life of killing would be a good example to Micheal…and did it make him a sadistic freak like Franco….just to see him advocate killing a cop as the right thing to do? And Sonny is normally stupid but this insitance on him being the biggest victim is about the biggest crock ever. I know this whole “I didn’t know I was shooting YOU” defense worked when he shot Carly in the head…but really? That’s what he wants to go with.

    The new credits have been leaked on You Tube….no dead people…although the background images look suspiciously like Night Shift first season stuff.

    • See, I found Greg Vaughn fairly emotionless and and boring most of the time, so I would have liked it if he had cried a little more… But yeah, I can understand why the tears annoy some people. I just find the way they make his eyes shine very pretty, so I couldn’t care less. Heh.

      Jason and Sonny’s combined hypocrisy and short memory makes me insane. I really did not think either of them could get any douchier, but they’ve surpassed themselves lately. It’s unbelievable.

  2. fyi, spencer’s mom is courtney, and helena says because she was a stripper and sonny’s sister that that makes spencer suck. i don’t really get it, especially cause its not like sonny or his kids ever go near this kid, but whatever. courtney WAS horrible.

    and btw, “congratulations on your promiscuity” is seriously my most favorite soap opera line ever uttered.

    • OMG, I totally knew that, but I think my hatred of Courtney has caused some sort of mental block where my brain just tries as hard as it can to erase her from existence. Thanks for catching that!

  3. I enjoyed that so much. LOL a few times. Your take is so spot on, I could’ve written it myself (if I was as talented as you) Thanks for the laugh. Keep up the good work, I have such a hard time watching right now, four days behind on the DVR, and I just can’t get up the umph to watch.

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