In an effort to get caught up in time for the big 12,000th episode extravaganza tomorrow, I powered through four episodes this evening. (You’re welcome.)
… and in an effort to stave off the brain aneurysm I felt coming on as I listened to Sonny (!) try to explain the meaning of integrity (!!!) to Morgan, I will not be ranting about any of the petulant, whiny, delusional bullshit that came out of his mouth during those four episodes.
(Although — and this does not count as a rant! — I have to point out this hilariously kerfuzzled face he made when Olivia suggested that Dante, and not Sonny, was the one who should have been informed about their relationship:)
YOU SAY SONNY NOT CENTER OF UNIVERSE?
SONNY NO UNDERSTAND!
I’m also not going to rant about how much I hate the fact that Elizabeth has been reduced to a walking uterus again for the second time in as many years, or about how deeply skeevy I find this show’s treatment of women and mental illness.
I am not going to rant about Carly trying to guilt and browbeat Dante into compromising his own evidence to save the man who shot him. (Although, note to Carly: if Sonny really can’t survive in prison, then maybe — just maybe — HE SHOULD STOP FUCKING KILLING PEOPLE FOR A LIVING.)
I’m not going to rant about Jason actually having the nerve to bitch someone else out for not respecting the bonds of blood. (Oh, what I wouldn’t give for Ghost!Alan to have shown up in all his track-suited glory to toss a lightning bolt at his son’s hypocritical ass during that little speech!)
I am definitely not going to rant about Nikolas, even though his very existence is DEEPLY OFFENSIVE TO MY SOUL, and his sudden all-consuming need to have another child he can ignore and pawn off on Alfred and his grandmother makes me throw things at the screen. (But mainly because Elizabeth already took that rant for the team and ran with it, bless her crazy, little heart.)
I am going to rant about the way the writers seem hellbent on flushing Johnny down the toilet. But that is a rant for another day, my friends.
No, in an effort to be positive for once, I’m focusing on the things that didn’t make me want to tear my hair out in the past few days. To wit:
THINGS THAT DIDN’T SUCK
1) Patrick and Elizabeth, BFs 4-EVA:
That scene was so lovely, you guys. I have always really enjoyed their friendship — particularly because there are so few platonic male/female relationships left on this show, and because it’s been built on years of solid, caring foundation. This is the kind of thing that soaps used to do so well: relationships where people could talk and have quiet character moments.
2) Olivia telling Sonny’s pity party to shove it where the sun don’t shine:
Yeah, Sonny. Gangsters have a really great track record of keeping the people they love safe. […] You had that chance with Michael and with Morgan!
You want to talk about damage? How about the damage you did when you put a bullet in his chest?! […] I am sorry that I let that investigation go on for as long as it did, but I will never, NEVER apologize for keeping my kid out of your world of crime and corruption.
And you wanna know the proof that I did right? The proof is the fine man that I raised. He has values. He knows right from wrong. He’s a fine, upstanding man. Now can you look me in the eye and tell me that that’s the man he would have grown into if he would have grown up in your world? I didn’t think so.
Imagine that! A mother actually pissed at the man who shot her son in cold blood! Now I really have seen it all.
Yes, yes. I know he cries a lot. But you know what? After the couple of years Lucky’s had, I kind of figure it’s his party and he’ll cry if he wants to. Lord knows I would. Plus, he totally breaks my heart when he does.
4) Helena motherfucking Cassadine. Because she can get away with lines like this:
(to Elizabeth:) “Congratulations on your promiscuity. It certainly seems to be what you do best.”
HAH! She is fabulously, deliciously bitchy, and I adore her. Even when her story makes no sense. (Spencer isn’t a proper heir because Courtney wasn’t a worthy mother but Elizabeth’s child is A-Okay? Contrivance says what?)
And now, with those pleasant thoughts in mind, I leave you in anticipation of tomorrow’s new credits. Guys, I’m scared — if they don’t have any dead people in them, will this still be General Hospital?