Stop the presses…

… I agree with Sonny Corinthos:

SONNY: You said I was poison to my kids. And I wanted to tell you you were wrong. But the honest truth is violence defines my life, and it’s not fair to any child to expose them to that.
OLIVIA: Sonny, whatever mistakes you have made, the one thing no one can fault you for is you love your kids.
SONNY: I do. I do love my kids. But I think it’s been kind of a selfish love, because it’s all been about being a father because my father was never around, and I wanted to prove that I was better. But that’s garbage. If I care about my kids then I should stay away from them.

Well, that was surreal.

(Naturally, this revelation lasted about as long as the time it took for Carly to say the words “Morgan Jacks.” Still, it made a nice change to sit there nodding my head in agreement instead of making impotent strangling motions with my hands during a Sonny speech about fatherhood.)

But oddities abound in Port Charles these days! I settled into what I assumed would be a tortuous four episode marathon tonight, only to find some legitimately soapy goodness packed in with the usual eye-rolling idiocy.

Take Carly, for example — Carly, who I loathe, but whose latest hypocritical vendetta has been played with such crazy-eyed zeal by the fabulous Laura Wright that all I can do is shake my head in wonder at speeches like this:

CARLY: I was brilliant, Jason. I took a page out of Dante’s book. I told him everything he wanted to hear. How it’s not his fault that Michael’s in prison. It’s all on me because I chose to be with Sonny and I brought Michael into this dangerous life. But don’t worry, I didn’t lay it on too thick.

Guys, it takes SKILL to get through something that devoid of reality with a straight face. ::slow clap::

The funny thing is, as I was watching the first half of that episode and Carly was being honest about her own guilt and forgiving of Dante and Lulu’s part in the whole mess, I kept wondering if this would turn out to all be an extended dream sequence, because it was so unlike Carly to be reasonable and, you know… sane. And then we find out she was playing them both. Hah! Vindication.

Then, of course, this happened:

CARLY: You don’t think I’d blame someone else if I could? Let’s start with Elizabeth, that sanctimonious bitch. Let’s blame her. If she hadn’t thrown herself at Jason that night at Kelly’s, then I wouldn’t have ran to you and we wouldn’t have devoured each other, betrayed our best friend, and jump started that hideous cycle of disaster after disaster.

I love this. I love that even though she wasn’t serious about blaming Liz for what happened to Michael, you know she was totally serious about still holding a grudge against a grieving teenage rape victim having an innocent friendship with Carly’s BFF over a decade ago. You just keep grinding that axe, Carly. It never gets old.

Ah, memories:

Man, those were the days.

Can I also just say that if making Lulu and Dante “suffer like Michael’s suffering” means they’re going to be forced to hang around with Bruce Weitz cheerfully chewing scenery for all he’s worth, then: BRING. IT. ON. I would watch the hell out of that.

And, in fact, I am enjoying the hell out of Michael’s prison adventures so far. What can I say? It makes me nostalgic for the halcyon days of Oz. (Oh, what I would give for that crossover… Anthony Zacchara meets Vern Schillinger! Ryan O’Reilly plots to destroy Jason! I WOULD PAY CASH MONEY TO SEE THIS.)

Then there’s Jason’s Big Sacrifice — first of all, the idea that the Corinthos organization wouldn’t have anyone already on the inside to protect Michael is… so effing ludicrous I can’t even waste time laughing at it. But I kind of don’t care? Because if they actually go through with this, having Jason in prison (even just temporarily, because let’s not kid ourselves here) is at least something new and different. I hope they don’t wuss out and only have him locked up for a day or two.

I want to see full on prison shenanigans, people! Jason in the hole! Jason wearing a hairnet on cafeteria duty! Jason getting gassed by the SWAT team during a riot that started over a game of checkers! (Wait, no… that’s Oz again.)

Meanwhile, over in Cassadine land, while Nikolas continues his bid to overtake Sonny as this year’s Worst Human Being Ever (like, would it kill the writers to give him a even a smidgeon of motivation that actually makes sense for letting his homicidal wackjob of a grandmother live in the same house as his son — WHO SHE ONCE KIDNAPPED — or run around town openly threatening the mother of his unborn child?), I liked his talk with Kristina the other day. Cassadine blackmail jokes for the win!

(Although, Nik? If this is your version of being wracked with guilt over betraying you brother… I do not think that word means what you think it means. Just sayin’.)

The decision to skip through Alexis’ hearing for killing Kiefer without showing us the inside of that hated court room again was a welcome one. The decision to saddle us with yet another trial instead makes me want to shoot myself. And maybe I don’t understand how civil trials work, but if they’re really so concerned about sparing Kristina from having to testify, then couldn’t Alexis just agree to pay whatever the Bauers are suing her for? It’s not like she doesn’t have the money. And, well… she is guilty. No one’s really disputing that, right? Oy.

In any case, the scene where she gave Sam years of missed birthday cards and asked her to basically adopt her sisters made me sniffle. Why do they only devote time to their relationship once every three months?

The last thing that surprised me this past week was the redemption of Claire Walsh. She’s rapidly transforming from a one note cliché to a viable character. I never thought she was the evil bitch the show wanted us to believe she was, but the writing for her was so awful during the trial that I couldn’t really bring myself to like her, either — even when I was completely rooting for her to win. But now that they’ve toned down her moustache-twirling and made her into a sensible ally for getting Michael released, I’m honestly enjoying her scenes.

(Also? Her blasé dismissal of Jason never fails to crack me up.)

So, the upshot is… I’m not dreading tomorrow’s episode. It’s a weird sensation. Hold me, you guys. I’m scared.

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8 thoughts on “Stop the presses…

    • Oh, sure. That’s what makes this whole thing so great — I mean, in one sentence, she’s admitting to having put wanting to be with Sonny above the needs of her own son, and in the next, she’s promising to ruin lives for doing something much more well-meaning, which happened to backfire. Soap GOLD, my friend.

  1. I was never a Liason fan but I hated Jason/Carly’s relatioship with a passion. So, I was overjoyed to see Carly’s face crack. LOL!!

    • The best thing about that whole period is that Jason and Liz really were totally platonic at the time. And if Carly hadn’t been so INSANE about the entire thing, she probably would have been able to hold onto him.

      There’s no schadenfreude so satisfying.

  2. I would be on board with Nik being a Cassadine with horrific plannign ability and terrible plans if Helena wasn’t manipulating with information he’s known since roughly 1998. Nothing she’s actually told him is actually anything new to him. If Helena told him this information and then he walked in on Lucky and Elizabeth behaving like mature adults parenting two children…then I could get it but I just want to smack him and go “Dude…you already know ALL this information.”

    As for Carly…she’s confirmed her status as Mayor of Crazy Town. Lord I have always hated Jason/Liz even as friends and even I can vouch for the fact Carly was a frigging nutcase over nothing.

    • I just don’t understand Nikolas’ attitude on this at all. His paranoid accusations don’t even make sense. When Elizabeth asked him to get rid of Helena, his response was that she just wanted to make Lucky rescue her. Which would maybe ring a little more true if, you know, Elizabeth had been asking Lucky to get rid of Helena. But she was asking Nik! I mean… GAH!

      I hate this show. Truly.

      • It would also make sense if you know….everyone in town hasn’t asked him the exact same thing about Helena. Alexis told him to get rid of Helena. Luke told him to get rid of Helena. Lucky told him to get rid of Helena. But noooo…..it’s apparenlty just been Elizabeth and only to make Lucky rescue her. (Like it’s new to him she wants Lucky’s attention? She hasn’t said this repeatedly since oh I don’t know…the actor switch in october???)

        • Right. And if Nik is so concerned with Liz wanting Lucky to be her hero, then why wouldn’t he be eager to make himself her hero instead, by doing what she’s asking and getting rid of the threat? I mean, this isn’t exactly brain surgery. If he wants Liz to love him, then what does he gain from belittling her completely legitimate concerns and ignoring her pleas for help?

          I DON’T GET IT. IT HURTS MY BRAIN.

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