You guys. YOU GUYS.
So, you know every time you’re stuck skimming soap magazine covers to keep from throttling the slowpoke in front of you who can’t figure out how to use the self-scanner at the grocery store — seriously, how is that so difficult, people? — and there’s always a picture of Vanessa Marcil with a vague caption about Brenda’s return, and even though you know it will turn out to be complete bullshit, your heart still skips a beat? Because Brenda Barrett! So awesome and pretty and possessing of the magical power to make Sonny likeable!
(… but then you start thinking about how the current regime would likely take about 8.5 seconds to completely trash not only the character, but the entire legacy of one of the show’s best and most enduring love triangles, and then you’re secretly relieved that it isn’t happening?)
No? Just me, then?
Well, no more, because it’s official: Vanessa Marcil is coming back in August (!!!) as a regular cast member — no more of this “special guest” business. HOLY CRAP! My inner Brenda fangirl is all a-twitter! (Also, Marcil is in her 40s now, which is both awesome and kind of mind-blowing, because she still looks like the picture above.)
According to EW, Brenda will “return to Port Charles when the three men in her life – Sonny, Jax, and Jason – are in crisis.” Yeah, I know — what a shocker! And look, not to be nitpicky or anything, but can I take exception to Jason being included among the men in Brenda’s life? I know they were married the last time she was in town — and I actually enjoyed most of those scenes — but please, for the love of all that is holy, do not make these two actually romantic. PLEASE. There is very little I would dislike more than Brenda and Jason’s perfectly adorable platonic friendship getting wrecked by Guza’s current inability to not make Jason the apple of every woman’s eye.
I’m also more than a little nervous about this “explosive secret” she’s going to be bringing with her. I mean, “secret Jax love child” is a fine fantasy for a lonely afternoon, but actually seeing it play out on the show has NIGHTMARE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS written all over it.
Anyway, because I’m trying to be positive here, let’s think about some of the good things that could come out of this return:
– Brenda will finally get to meet Patrick and Emma! And have scenes with BFF, Robin! (Perhaps even some Stone flashbacks, since the show seems intent on crapping all over that history every ten seconds lately.)
– With Brook Lynn back on the canvas as well, maybe Brenda can take Lois and Ned’s daughter in hand and teach her how to be a likeable rich, spoiled brat with absentee daddy issues.
– More Quartermaine interactions!
– The last time Brenda hit town, Carly was married to Sonny and extremely insecure about his feelings for Brenda. Now she’s moved onto Brenda’s sloppy seconds with Jax as well. The jealousy implosion ought to be out of this world, is what I’m saying.
– Brenda and Olivia as snarky drinking buddies! (No, I have no reason to believe this is likely. I just think it would be fun. And hot.)
– Hey, maybe having an international fashion model back on the canvas will actually get Kate and Crimson some decent plots!
– Will Spinelli have to finally give up his regrettably pink room? (Ugh. God, I hope not. There is no reason why Brenda would be living at the penthouse other than a massive dose of contrivance. Although there is something appealing about Spinelli finally having to move out.)
Of course, with Sonny and Jax both newly and nearly single, respectively, odds are Brenda will be right back in the middle of that familiar tug of war. I don’t know if it’s even possible for my Sonny hate to disappear at this point. But if anyone can remind me of why I once loved him, it’s Brenda Barrett, you know?
Well, either that or he’ll drag her down to his level, ruin all my cherished memories of their glorious past, and I’ll end up hating one of my favorite characters of all time.
Hold me, you guys. I’m scared.