Get out of my head!

A strange thing happened today. Word were spoken in Port Charles. Words… that had never been spoken there before:

CLAIRE: You know what, say you’re absolutely right — Kristina hates you, and it’s all Johnny’s fault. On what planet does that give you the right to kill him and expect me to look the other way?

Claire Walsh, ladies and gentlemen. She’ll be here all week! And she’s fast becoming my new tv girlfriend. Let’s listen to some more of her fascinating thoughts, shall we:

CLAIRE: Listen, you’re really good at justifying yourself. And that’s another thing I heard about you. And what’s fascinating to me, is that everything people say is true. You are ruthless. You’re manipulative. I wouldn’t call you brilliant, but you’re certainly cunning. You’re your own biggest fan. And you think the world owes you a favor because your step-dad slapped you around. And you used your bad experiences to justify the violence you cause. You’re an emotional bully–

SONNY: Hold on! Wait a minute — first of all, my step dad slapping me around, I take that very seriously. I don’t use that to get what I want. [Ed note: !?!?!]

I… love her. Truly. Madly. Deeply.

Meanwhile, over at the prison of contrivance and zero supervision, Sonny’s right hand hitman got some literal blood on his hands for once. Which was a little surprising in and of itself, since Jason usually kills people from a distance and off screen. Blood splatter does tend to tarnish a halo, you know. But I guess not so much when it’s the blood of a maybe-rapist, so it’s all good this time around.

It was also surprising, however, because the aftermath revealed how very not flattering prison chic is on poor Steve Burton:

HULK NO THINK THIS HIS BEST SIDE.

(No, I’m not going to talk about the impending return of a certain performance artist/greatest-threat-Jason’s-ever-faced-yes-even-including-the-Russian-mafia. Mostly because I’m already paralyzed by boredom and irritation over the whole thing.)

It’s so great that in between avoiding visiting her son in the prison where her horrible life choices put him and enacting petty, high-school-mean-girl revenge schemes on her cousin, Carly has time to sit around sipping cocktails and passing judgment on Robin for spending three whole weeks away from her family to help children in Africa with AIDS.

(I continue to love said petty scheming, by the way, if only because it’s utterly vintage Carly — by which I mean stupid, mean, and bound to blow up spectacularly in her face — while pretty blatantly painting her as the villain.)

Sadly, Carly’s hypocrisy is about as shocking as the writers giving Patrick and Robin the same two notes to play over, and over, and over again. My God, did you know that Patrick’s an arrogant, competitive jerkwad who used to be a player? What, Robin used to love a boy who died, and now she’s incapable of understanding that murder for profit is wrong? That is amazing news!

I keep trying (and this is my first mistake, I know) to figure out what the writers could be thinking. I mean, Scrubs is popular, right? Is there really an audience out there craving them having the same recycled fight in every episode? Is there anyone who finds Patrick’s jealousy schtick — over awful Lisa, of all people! — even remotely 1) interesting, 2) appealing, 3) not terribly embarrassing for him? And is there anyone who doesn’t wish the show would give sweet Steven Webber something to do that’s actually worthy of Scott Reeves’ time?

(Speaking of Steve, was that the first time he and Carly have shared a scene since he came back to town? Didn’t they kind of have a thing — or at least a proto-thing — the last time he was around? Yeah, guess the writers didn’t remember that either.)

Hey, remember how the show used to think Nikolas was this fairy tale fantasy prince, the likes of which every girl’s dreams were made? Remember how that used to make me violently yak? I MISS THOSE DAYS.

Because what he is now is definitely no woman’s dream, unless that woman dreams of a self-absorbed, paternalistic, condescending snot-waffle of a man who gets off on ordering her around like she’s a child. Also, he’s the kind of man who finds people locked up in his family dungeon (!!!) and says things like this:

NIKOLAS: How do I know Helena didn’t lock you in here for a good reason?

Prompting Tracy, because she is awesome, to respond thusly:

TRACY: Do you actually think there is a good reason to throw people in dungeons?

Took the words right out of my mouth, Trace.

He then had the nerve to get all shirty with her — as if he was the one being put out by her presence in his dungeon. What! What is wrong with him? What is wrong with the writers? Do they want us to hate Nikolas? MISSION ACCOMPLISHED,  GUYS. You can stop now. Laying it on a little to thick, you know?

I’d say more about Nikolas, and the grotesque caricature of a viable character that he has become, but I admit that at this point in the proceedings, I was completely distracted by the arrival of his brother, decked out in bohemian cat burglar gear:

I mean, really. I wanted to enjoy that great speech about how Lucky never recovered from that year spent being brainwashed in captivity, and how his inability to let Elizabeth go stems from a desperate attempt to recapture the last innocent time when they both were happy together. Because, you know, it’s not like I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE SHOW TO ADDRESS THAT FOR YEARS or anything.

But it’s really hard to concentrate on anything other than that scarf and that scruff. Seriously, Jonathan Jackson. Shave. Please.

Kristina and Johnny are both love, and if she wasn’t underage (and if my heart wasn’t already so full of Claire Walsh at the moment), I’d say Little K’s frothing hatred of her father and incredible commitment to truth-telling held the makings of a beautiful romance. As it stands, I’ll just have to give her a virtual high five and sit back to enjoy the show.

As for Johnny, he’s still doomed, more’s the pity. But every time he treats Kristina with more compassion, respect, and understanding than her own father can manage to muster, my love for him grows a little more. And I had a lot of love for him to begin with.

Why can’t the show find something decent for him to do? (Preferably something that involves him shirtless and in bed with Olivia?)

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13 thoughts on “Get out of my head!

  1. What nothing to say about Lucky locking Nik in? I know nothing about the Twilight movies but I saw the vampire guy on Nightline last night. Except for his pasty white skin tone he could be Jackson’s twin with the face hair. Maybe they’re going for that look on purpose. We’ve actually grown to like Lucky a little. He’s not much of a cop but the writer’s are setting up conflicts for the future.

    I hope the producers have already signed up Tamara Braun for Claudia’s return because she’s gonna be ‘spensive after she wins her Emmy.

    My wife says that Claire will be in bed with Sonny by the Fourth of July.

    • Your wife is probably right, which is all the more reason to treasure Claire while I still can look at her without vomiting.

      (You may be right about the Twilight connection. If Lucky starts sparkling in sunlight, we’ll know for sure.)

  2. Now honey you made the mistake of applying pre-recast history to Steven and Carly. As that was two Carlys and a Steven ago……it never happened. Just look at how suddenlyNOW Lucky’s kidnapping is important and not say… when any number of times Jake was kidnapped and it was a perfectly logical thing to at least mention. But see that was a recast situation too so couldn’t be brought up.

    Have to be honest while my Nik hate is well documented….I gave about two farts for that entire kidnapping farce since I couldn’t come up with one logical reason why Lucky would be concerned about Luke disappearing with Tracy as they tend to do this time EVERY SINGLE YEAR! And the whole thing about Luke not leaving town when a kid of his was in trouble since you know…..he was out of town in jail with Ethan when his whole family was in the burning hospital. Plus i was tryong to figure out that Lucky has enough money to get Greece on a flipping hunch not based in the reality of the past decade…but we can’t send Cam to day camp???? What the French toast????

    • Silly me, remembering history and characterization! What was I thinking…

      This was truly the most pointless kidnapping in history. What was Helena’s purpose, exactly? To create more tension between Nikolas and Lucky I presume, but… what? The obviousness of how much the writers now favor Lucky with JJ in the role never ceases to amaze me. Last year, Ethan was the favored son who just “knew” Luke was in trouble. Now it’s Lucky. *yawn*

      (Lucky was living mortgage free in his parents’ house for a while, so presumably he has some savings built up now. Not sure Liz even considered asking him for the summer camp money — and the less said about her get rich quick plot, the better, because I’m already dreading the inevitable stupidity. But to be fair, there are some really expensive summer camps out there, and I’m not really sure why Cam not being able to go to one is a sign of debilitating poverty, or why Liz feels to financially unstable, given the trust for the older boys, and the house that she doesn’t have to pay for at all, and the fact that, you know… nurses actually make pretty good money. But I could rant about how they’re destroying Liz all day, so I’ll just cut it off here.)

  3. I want to like Claire but everytime she appears I wonder…”Why are you still here?”. Seriously! She should be gone by now. She’s just sucking up airtime that should go to legacy characters who actually have history with the show.

    Kristina annoys me. She talks like she’s witnessed everything that went on in Sonny’s personal life. TPTB are writing her too grown, IMO. Maybe it’s time for them to SORAS the character.

    • Oh, man. I am loving Kristina. Honestly, I think that if she had witnessed everything in Sonny’s life, she’d have a much worse opinion of him. As it is, her observations of him seem pretty spot on to me, given what she’s seen of his temper first hand. If she knew about stuff like him trying to take custody away from Carly after she came out of the coma she was in because he shot her in the head while she was giving birth, I can only imagine her reaction…

      (Agreed on Claire, although sadly, it’s gotten to the point where I would almost rather watch a brand new character tell Sonny like it is than watch even a legacy character I love, like Robin, make excuses for him. What’s the world coming to?)

        • I’ve always thought the writers wasted a golden opportunity when AJ kidnapped Michael and faked his death. Instead of having Michael be rescued and killing AJ, they should have left them together off screen. Then Michael could have come back SORASed a few years later, totally thinking of AJ as his father and hating Sonny, Jason, and Carly. Soap gold! *sighs*

  4. Oh, I hated the Patrick/Carly scenes. First of all, the foreshadowing was just overwhelming. Second, must he confide in a woman who hates his wife? Go talk to Matt!

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