A strange thing happened today. Word were spoken in Port Charles. Words… that had never been spoken there before:
CLAIRE: You know what, say you’re absolutely right — Kristina hates you, and it’s all Johnny’s fault. On what planet does that give you the right to kill him and expect me to look the other way?
Claire Walsh, ladies and gentlemen. She’ll be here all week! And she’s fast becoming my new tv girlfriend. Let’s listen to some more of her fascinating thoughts, shall we:
CLAIRE: Listen, you’re really good at justifying yourself. And that’s another thing I heard about you. And what’s fascinating to me, is that everything people say is true. You are ruthless. You’re manipulative. I wouldn’t call you brilliant, but you’re certainly cunning. You’re your own biggest fan. And you think the world owes you a favor because your step-dad slapped you around. And you used your bad experiences to justify the violence you cause. You’re an emotional bully–
SONNY: Hold on! Wait a minute — first of all, my step dad slapping me around, I take that very seriously. I don’t use that to get what I want. [Ed note: !?!?!]
I… love her. Truly. Madly. Deeply.
Meanwhile, over at the prison of contrivance and zero supervision, Sonny’s right hand hitman got some literal blood on his hands for once. Which was a little surprising in and of itself, since Jason usually kills people from a distance and off screen. Blood splatter does tend to tarnish a halo, you know. But I guess not so much when it’s the blood of a maybe-rapist, so it’s all good this time around.
It was also surprising, however, because the aftermath revealed how very not flattering prison chic is on poor Steve Burton:
HULK NO THINK THIS HIS BEST SIDE.
(No, I’m not going to talk about the impending return of a certain performance artist/greatest-threat-Jason’s-ever-faced-yes-even-including-the-Russian-mafia. Mostly because I’m already paralyzed by boredom and irritation over the whole thing.)
It’s so great that in between avoiding visiting her son in the prison where her horrible life choices put him and enacting petty, high-school-mean-girl revenge schemes on her cousin, Carly has time to sit around sipping cocktails and passing judgment on Robin for spending three whole weeks away from her family to help children in Africa with AIDS.
(I continue to love said petty scheming, by the way, if only because it’s utterly vintage Carly — by which I mean stupid, mean, and bound to blow up spectacularly in her face — while pretty blatantly painting her as the villain.)
Sadly, Carly’s hypocrisy is about as shocking as the writers giving Patrick and Robin the same two notes to play over, and over, and over again. My God, did you know that Patrick’s an arrogant, competitive jerkwad who used to be a player? What, Robin used to love a boy who died, and now she’s incapable of understanding that murder for profit is wrong? That is amazing news!
I keep trying (and this is my first mistake, I know) to figure out what the writers could be thinking. I mean, Scrubs is popular, right? Is there really an audience out there craving them having the same recycled fight in every episode? Is there anyone who finds Patrick’s jealousy schtick — over awful Lisa, of all people! — even remotely 1) interesting, 2) appealing, 3) not terribly embarrassing for him? And is there anyone who doesn’t wish the show would give sweet Steven Webber something to do that’s actually worthy of Scott Reeves’ time?
(Speaking of Steve, was that the first time he and Carly have shared a scene since he came back to town? Didn’t they kind of have a thing — or at least a proto-thing — the last time he was around? Yeah, guess the writers didn’t remember that either.)
Hey, remember how the show used to think Nikolas was this fairy tale fantasy prince, the likes of which every girl’s dreams were made? Remember how that used to make me violently yak? I MISS THOSE DAYS.
Because what he is now is definitely no woman’s dream, unless that woman dreams of a self-absorbed, paternalistic, condescending snot-waffle of a man who gets off on ordering her around like she’s a child. Also, he’s the kind of man who finds people locked up in his family dungeon (!!!) and says things like this:
NIKOLAS: How do I know Helena didn’t lock you in here for a good reason?
Prompting Tracy, because she is awesome, to respond thusly:
TRACY: Do you actually think there is a good reason to throw people in dungeons?
Took the words right out of my mouth, Trace.
He then had the nerve to get all shirty with her — as if he was the one being put out by her presence in his dungeon. What! What is wrong with him? What is wrong with the writers? Do they want us to hate Nikolas? MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, GUYS. You can stop now. Laying it on a little to thick, you know?
I’d say more about Nikolas, and the grotesque caricature of a viable character that he has become, but I admit that at this point in the proceedings, I was completely distracted by the arrival of his brother, decked out in bohemian cat burglar gear:
I mean, really. I wanted to enjoy that great speech about how Lucky never recovered from that year spent being brainwashed in captivity, and how his inability to let Elizabeth go stems from a desperate attempt to recapture the last innocent time when they both were happy together. Because, you know, it’s not like I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE SHOW TO ADDRESS THAT FOR YEARS or anything.
But it’s really hard to concentrate on anything other than that scarf and that scruff. Seriously, Jonathan Jackson. Shave. Please.
Kristina and Johnny are both love, and if she wasn’t underage (and if my heart wasn’t already so full of Claire Walsh at the moment), I’d say Little K’s frothing hatred of her father and incredible commitment to truth-telling held the makings of a beautiful romance. As it stands, I’ll just have to give her a virtual high five and sit back to enjoy the show.
As for Johnny, he’s still doomed, more’s the pity. But every time he treats Kristina with more compassion, respect, and understanding than her own father can manage to muster, my love for him grows a little more. And I had a lot of love for him to begin with.
Why can’t the show find something decent for him to do? (Preferably something that involves him shirtless and in bed with Olivia?)