Attack of the whiny man-babies!

… no. Not men with babies. (Although the baby playing Josslyn put more into that one scene than some of the adult actors *coughTylerChristophercough* have all year. And yes, it was adorable.)

On the other hand, the amount of whinging to which we’ve recently been subjected from supposedly grown men on this show? Pretty much the opposite of adorable. And if I never have to listen to — well, fast forward through while violently rolling my eyes, at least — another diatribe from any man on this show about the cruel oppression of home ownership, or, you know, having a family that loves you… it will be much, much too soon.

LUKE: You know, a bar is supposed to be a sanctuary, a cathedral where a man can find refuge.

So quoth Lucas Lorenzo Sr., the perennial boy who will never grow up. Yes, ladies. You might not realize this, but drinking, along with — apparently — a desire to have fun in general, is the sole province of men. Sorry. On the plus side, it looks like Patrick, at least, is happy to cede both dignity and professional integrity to the fairer sex. So at least we’ve still got that going for us.

Patrick, Patrick, Patrick… I think it’s time we had a little chat. Because I want to not want to punch you in the face every time I see you. But you’re making it really hard.

Let’s review: nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to get married. (Well, no one other than Mac.) In fact, as I recall, it was Robin — knowing how in love you were with your own immaturity — who tried her damnedest to shield you from the horrors of being tied down to a life of upper middle class comfort. But you insisted — INSISTED — that she had to marry you, and you had to raise that adorable daughter of yours. So seriously, and I mean this with a lot of love: take your minivan and your pity party and go fuck yourself.

(I’d ask if he could possibly be any more obnoxious, but the answer with these writers is always: 1) YES, and 2) have you met Nikolas lately?)

Of course, no discussion of childishness and douchery in Port Charles could ever be complete without the mack daddy of both:

SONNY: You know what, I admit… I’ll be the first to admit that Michael’s childhood was hell. But you know what it’s like to have everyone around say you’re a bad father over and over and over again?

Translation: sure, it may suck to have your life basically ruined by someone else’s selfish choices. But that pales in comparison to the pain of being forced to face the fact that your selfish choices ruined someone else’s life. You know, kind of like how being called out for saying racist things is worse than being the victim of actual racism!

(Or… so every single internet conversation about racism has led me to believe. Because the internet, like Port Charles, is full of entitled assholes.)

On a completely unrelated note, I present to you, without commentary, possibly the most accurate dialog ever spoken on this show:

JASON: I will tell you everything I know about Franco. I gotta warn you, a lot of it’s not going to make any sense.

I… can’t possibly top that. So I won’t even try.


16 thoughts on “Attack of the whiny man-babies!

  1. “kind of like how being called out for saying racist things is worse than being the victim of actual racism!”

    There are not words for how much I lurve this – because this show makes me want to bang my head into things so the stupid won’t hurt so badly and then you go and make it better with the funny.

    My averted migraine thanks you

    • Happy to oblige! (Honestly, my jaw dropped open when he said that. This is the response of a grown man, who we are supposed to think of as a viable romantic lead. THE MIND BOGGLES.)

  2. “take your minivan and your pity party and go fuck yourself.”

    I couldn’t have said it any better myself.

    Do any of the characters on this show make a lick of sense anymore? WTF is going on? I can’t even stomach the few characters I used to like and root for. Two o’clock (which is the time GH airs where I live) used to be the one hour Monday-Friday when everybody knew not to disturb me. The show was once so good that I planned my entire day around it. Now I can’t even get through an entire hour, one day a week. The only way I keep up to date with what’s going on is through blogs like this one and that makes me sad. It almost feels like losing a good friend.

    My head hurts :(

    • I dread watching most days. The only thing that forces me is knowing that if I let them pile up, it will be worse. The only people I don’t want to punch in the throat right now are Dante and… Dante, pretty much.

  3. You know what’s really funny? I haven’t watched an entire episode in years. Thank the freaking lord that I have DVR, because it takes me maybe 25 minutes to watch the whole episode.
    Another funny thing is that I thought I was alone in my hatred of this show. Almost every fansite I go to has people complaining about how bad it is. My husband, listening to my rants about his Sonny is less mature than my 13 year old students, asks me why I still watch. I have no answer for him, I don’t know why!!!

    “I dread watching most days. The only thing that forces me is knowing that if I let them pile up, it will be worse.” This makes me laugh!! I feel the same way!! Why do we love to torture ourselves? Why can’t I say goodbye? I guess I am a glutton for punishment.

    • Oh my, you are so not alone, my dear. Take heart!

      (I honestly find writing this blog and interacting with other disgruntled fans more entertaining than the show at this point, so that’s one of the main reasons I still watch. Also: habit, nostalgia, spite, hope that it might someday not suck again… it’s complicated, you know?)

      (Also, I think comparing Sonny to 13 year olds is insulting to 13 year olds.)

  4. Is it bad that I fast forward through the show and watch the commercials? LOL!! I guess some of Sonny’s doucheness rubbed off on Patrick.

    • Sonny’s douche disease is clearly contagious. It’s already swallowed Nikolas whole. Now Patrick… who will it take next?!

  5. I think there are inanimate objects on the set that has put in more effort than certain actors on this show all year. (and yes I mean the same one as you)

    I must preface this by saying I work with foster children who have been known to call me after work to whine about how they don’t want to eat chicken for dinner…..And I have been more willing to listen to them than I have been to listen to ANY male on this show lately.

    Between the completely nonsensical ramblings of Luke about how a little thing like lying about being married so totally shouldn’t be a big deal….Patrick acting like he’s the same age as his daughter because….he’s not the best surgeon for every patient? I don’t know why really he’s just whinning…Nik is acting like a ten year old trying to get everyone to talk him up to Liz (WHO DOES THIS??? WHO??? Ten year olds that who!)…the continuing icky adventures of Max can’t have sex unless he is near Michael…Sonny whinning about how hard everyone legitimately blaming him is for HIM…..These are our romantic heros? At this point I think the most mature male on the show is Cameron. Which is probably why we never see him.

    There is some contest going on in Port Charles right? THe biggest douche gets a crown or something? A monetary reward? This is some sort of bizare brainwashing plan of Helena’s to make the rest of the town look douches so Nik’s douchiness doesn’t stand out so much?

    • This is some sort of bizare brainwashing plan of Helena’s to make the rest of the town look douches so Nik’s douchiness doesn’t stand out so much?

      That makes about as much sense and anything else, so… sure!

  6. I so agree with everything all of you have said it`s sad because women are the largest group of veiwers of soaps and I think Guza and other headwriters forget that or don`t think at all .

    • It is an unending source of amazement to me that a show made mostly for women seems to hate its audience so very much.

  7. been readning the blog awhile and had to comment—u guys are all so right, the show blows huge elephant ball sized chunks. But yet, I can’t turn away — damn my nostalgia for robin, stone and everything genie francis.

    And… to add to the awfulness, if i have to endure another scene of olivia comforting sonny (the MAN WHO SHOT HER FUCKING UNARMED SON IN THE CHEST -sorry, this show makes me shouty), one more time I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

    My heart aches for Vanessa Marcil as she’s got no idea what fresh hell she’s in store for… poor talented, pretty girl

      • thanks for the welcome…

        as an aside, why oh why can’t the assholes (i mean writers) come up with something for nancy lee grahn to do besides not parent kristina — what about her romance with mac? now would be a good time to reheat that cold gruel, non? i don’t know, mac’s experience raising teenaged girls could be helpful. it’d be a really organic way into a mature romance… but instead in a few weeks i’ll need to pour bleach into my eyes b/c patrick is going to bed that greasy haired lisa…damn you, guza

        • There have been so many wasted opportunities to do really interesting things with Alexis in the last few years. They’ve never put as much time and effort into her relationship with Sam as I would like. She’s constantly kept out of Cassadine drama, which is a true shame, because watching NLG and Constance Towers face off is usually awesome. And, IMO, she had SMOKING chemistry with Mr. Craig — at least before they decided to go with that idiotic Jerry Jax retcon.

          I find Mac kind of boring as a romantic partner, actually, but I agree that there’s better material there than what she’s currently getting. Also? NLG is SO HOT. Why aren’t they using that? Mysteries abound…

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