Hello, readers! I’ve been MIA for a while due to life stuff. Moving, vacation, fun summer TV — all have kept me busy and it’s been hard to find time to post. I think the last time I posted, I actually thought the show was 55% enjoyable and only 45% hair-pullingly awful.
This, of course, meant that we were due for something pretty horrid.
And here we are, back where we always knew we would be. Somehow, in three and a half minutes, the show brought together three of the worst moments on all year:
1) The return of Franco. This really needs no explanation. James Franco gnawing on the scenery — while sometimes hilarious — is not nearly enough entertainment to tolerate any plot revolving around this character. It is contrived, ridiculous and NOT ENTERTAINING.
2) The crappiest redux of clink/boom that ever crapped. This was so obvious that I’m not sure why the writers even bothered putting us through this exercise. It was clear when they mentioned that the bomb would be set off by the remote keyless entry (WTF!?! Could there be a more incompetent plan?!?) that this was going to be a near miss and change nothing. Hey, writers? Instead of wasting our time with a recycled plot with a foregone conclusion that won’t change the characters at all, how about you guys spend that time on Johnny and Olivia making out, or Dante and Lulu being cute? Neither of those things has a point either, but at least they’re actually enjoyable to watch.
3) The moment of soap sex that made me feel more gross than Carly and Sonny in the limo. Trust me, that is saying A LOT. I’d like to thank the writers for making Patrick a selfish, unsympathetic character who I can barely look at. I used to look at him and drool. Now I want to vomit. Why would Robin forgive this? Yes, she took off to go to another country for an extended period of time, which… makes no sense and is kind of awful when you have an infant child. However, that is in no way a reason to cheat. So why did Patrick sleep with Lisa? Because he got drunk? Because he doesn’t like to be super-stable married guy? Waaaah. Stop being such a fucking baby and grow the fuck up. Talk your issues through with your wife. Go to therapy. Take responsibility for your own life, respect the people you supposedly love, and keep your dick in your pants.
The worst part is that this is only the beginning of the crapfest. These plots are all just gearing up. Whatever happened to summer fun? Instead, it’s the summer of “I wish I had more will power and self-respect so that I could stop torturing myself with this soul-sucking show.”