Hey, gang. Remember when Brenda came back? And I was cautiously excited? And then Sonny went to Rome for reasons that were both stupid and contrived, and yet the two of them were so adorable together that I was enjoying it all in spite of myself?
Yeah. Thank goodness that momentary madness is over with.
I can’t even bring myself to transcribe the majority of the truly horrifying conversation they had last Wednesday, in which Sonny laid out a hysterically abridged version of some of the more horrific current events in his life (“Oh, why did Johnny want to kill me? No reason worth mentioning. Certainly not anything to do with his dead sister, WHO I MARRIED, BTW”) and Brenda not only did not run screaming in the other direction, but dutifully bent over backwards to assure him that none of the havoc caused by his direct actions has ever been his fault:
BRENDA: I remember the first time I saw you after Lily died. You were drunk. You were in so much pain. You were just destroyed and I saw what it cost you — how much everything cost you. There’s no way, Sonny, that you would ever be involved with a car bomb ever again, unless you had to be, unless you were desperate. You were a desperate father trying to protect his daughter.
My, how new and refreshing! Sure am glad that one of the most beloved characters in this show’s history has been brought back to play the role of Sonny Corinthos apologist — it’s not like half the other characters in town aren’t already currently engaged in that exact position or anything.
(And don’t even get me started on her response to hearing about him shooting an unarmed cop point blank in the chest. For the record, Bren, the correct response is less sympathy for the guy who tried to murder his own son and more smacking upside the head.)
But I could have overlooked all that — or at least repressed it with the help of a bottle of wine and some severe eye-rolling — if the writers had followed the obligatory Sonny defending with some good, old fashioned, romantic adventuring. All the ingredients were there — Sonny on his own for the first time in years. No bodyguards! No Jason! Brenda in danger. A mysterious and goofy baddie after her. An exotic locale. Something new and different for once!
So naturally, the writers thought that instead, this would be a perfect opportunity to send Sonny back to Port Charles for more legal drama and vomitrocious flirting with Claire. I mean, obviously. That’s the way to take advantage of reuniting one of the show’s most popular supercouples of all time, right?
I was confused until I watched today’s episode and realized that of course they had to get Sonny out of there. Because otherwise we might be in danger of someone other than Jason getting to play superhero and LORD KNOWS WE CAN’T HAVE THAT.
They really have never met an opportunity they couldn’t waste, have they?
By the way, Spinelli hasn’t even met Brenda yet, and I already want to gouge my ears out every time he mentions her name:
JASON: Brenda has been the target of kidnapping and attempted murder.
SPINELLI: The divine one? The doppelganger for Ariel Blaine? What sort of vermin would menace one so fair?
(This… does not bode well for my future sanity, does it?)
Meanwhile, the third member of the Brenda’s men triumvirate has been busy assuring Carly that she is now his template for the ideal woman. Which honestly just confuses me more than anything. As various members of the Bluth family would say… her?
(The look on Jason Bateman’s face at the end there? That’s what my face looks like when someone calls Carly the pinnacle of womanhood.)
In any case, the perfect woman has her panties all in a bunch over Brenda, which is both hilariously pathetic and typically irrational:
JAX: Do I have feelings for Brenda? Yes. The same feelings you have for Sonny. But I’m not running after her.
CARLY: But you put her on the cover! It’s the same thing!
1) Wait… what?
2) The hypocrisy, as always, is stunning.
3) Maybe — just maybe — if Brenda bothers you so very, very much, you should stop marrying her sloppy seconds. Just a thought.