If you’re one of those lapsed viewers wondering if anything new and exciting is happening on the show, recent events include:
1) Jason’s rudeness and inability to act like a normal human being being portrayed as inexplicably “charming.”
2) Carly bringing new meaning to the words “I LITERALLY CANNOT BELIEVE THAT JUST CAME OUT OF HER MOUTH.”
3) Spinelli being WAY more smug and judgmental than anyone who lives off of the spoils of a hired killer ever has a right to be.
4) Nikolas stabbing one of his siblings in the back.
5) Sonny and Claire making me want to vomit with their disgusting—CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION.
Take that as you will.
(Oh, and Lucky got a plot. Where he is clearly the hero. And the romantic lead. Yes, you read that right. No, you have not fallen into an alternate universe.)
First, let’s pop on over to Rome, where Jason’s poor, put upon killer-for-hire schtick is already getting old. I could see the indignation if Brenda had begged him to come babysit her. But since she basically ordered him not to, I really don’t see where he gets off acting like she’s dragging him into her problems against his will. Fortunately for my sanity — as I can tell this plot is going to drag on just a little bit longer than it should — I’ve always found their whole Bickersons routine somewhat amusing, and that hasn’t changed.
My love for Adrienne Barbeau, on the other hand? Well… see for yourself:
BRENDA: Listen, you can’t fall for Jason. He kills people. Not theoretically. He actually does it. So, I don’t know if you picked up on that or not.
SUZANNE: Well, dangerous men don’t put me off. Unless they’re so filled with their own menace, they can’t see through it. Jason’s not like that! He’s… cuddly. [Ed. note: !!!!!]
BRENDA: Oh, okay. So you’re on pharmaceutical drugs. Got it.
Oh, Bren. That almost makes me want to forgive you for your horrendous showing with Sonny the other day. Almost.
Back in Port Charles, Carly continued her EPIC freak out over Brenda’s existence. In the space of three days, the following statements came out of her mouth:
1) “Jason wasn’t put on this Earth to take care of Brenda Barrett.”
2) “Jason’s first obligation is to take care of me and my kids!”
3) “[Jason] can see through that high maintenance drama queen. Brenda has to be the center of every man’s attention and Jason doesn’t play that game, so he’s a challenge for her.”
4) “I am not threatened by Brenda Barrett.”
I love that even after all these years, Carly is still the kind of person who can accuse someone else of being a drama queen while in the midst of her ninetieth hissy fit in the space of a week.
Also, I have to assume that Sam finds Carly as hilarious as the rest of the world, because there is not other way to explain her heroic restraint in not punting her headfirst off the balcony after she 1) barged in uninvited to Sam’s home, 2) proceeded to spend ten minutes ranting about how Sam’s boyfriend was Carly’s personal property, and 3) ordered her to leave her own home on crutches so Carly could use her living room to bitch to Michael about Jason abandoning them both.
Of course, Michael, as resident voice of reason and sanity, was forced to point out that Jason did recently voluntarily send himself to prison in order to look out for Carly and her kids, and maybe his mother should just CHILL THE HELL OUT, ALREADY. JESUS.
But then the man himself deigned to call, forcing the founding members of the official Jason Fan Club (Port Charles chapter only — clearly, the Rome version is about to get up and running with President Suzanne at the helm) to get into a running slap fight in order to gain possession of the phone:
(My favorite is the one in the middle, where Michael is clearly attempting to Jedi mind trick his mother into shutting up. Oh, Michael. If sheer will was enough to get Carly to stop talking, the combined force of viewer desire alone would have nailed her mouth shut years ago.)
Spinelli’s righteous indignation and hatred toward Dante, by the way, has reached levels of smug smuggery previously known only in Lulu during her less awesome years. In other words: IT IS BAD, PEOPLE. So bad that even on fast forward, the sight of his smug, arrogant face and his smug, arrogant mouth make me do a full body clench of loathing. I really– I don’t understand so much of how the writers are choosing to write this character who I KNOW that they actually like. Or how Bradford Anderson is choosing to play him as basically the most tone-deaf, self righteous asshole this side of Sonny. Just: bafflement. Truly.
Speaking of bafflement, I guess it’s nice to have proof that Nikolas feels as little loyalty for Lulu as he does for the rest of his family. But I’m completely confused by where they’re going with this whole Brook Lynn story. Have these two characters ever interacted before? Were the writers just pulling names out of a hat? It’s so random and bizarre. I mean if they were really scrambling to come up with some reason for her to stay in town, GOD FORBID we get to see her spending time with her family or something.
But mostly, I’m baffled by dialog like this:
NIKOLAS: You’re independent. I admire that. But you know you wouldn’t have to fend for yourself if you were willing to cash in on the Quartermaines.
BROOK LYNN: No. No, I’m not willing to give up control of my life.
NIKOLAS: Good. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to that kind of pressure.
Where to start, where to start…
There are a lot of words I could use to describe someone who considers drugging and sexually assaulting a friend for money to be a lesser indignity than… having to finish college and deal with an overly-intrusive but ultimately loving family. But “courage” isn’t really one of them.
P.S. “You ever been shopping with a prince before?” Really? Is there a woman on whom you haven’t tried that line?
Meanwhile, the last sibling our fair prince betrayed — oh, he of the perpetually shiny eyes and sudden mid-life crisis — has been off having nonsensical Irish shenanigans. However, in a sad commentary on the state of the rest of the show, this is actually one of the most entertaining things happening at the moment. Possibly because Jonathan Jackson is just ridiculously appealing in his trying-too-hard leather jacket, slightly silly Irish accent, and attempted bad-assery:
As a side note, the show’s been pushing the “Lucky’s such a bad boy Spencer trapped in a straight-laced good guy’s body” thing for a while. But judging by his inability to believably portray an actual criminal for roughly five seconds before being called out and having to come up with a comically over the top come-to-Jesus story to explain how damn nice he is… well, let’s just say this: don’t quit your day job, Lucky. You will never hack it as the next Johnny of Port Charles. (Come to think of it, Johnny’s pretty damn ineffective too. So maybe theirs would be a partnership made in washout criminal Heaven.)
(And yes, I was trying to figure out how to work a “Luck of the Irish” pun in there. Consider yourselves spared. Barely.)
In any event, his story, ludicrous as it is (like, why is he calling Dante, the local cop, for last minute info on an international crime figure instead of, you know– INTERPOL, WHO SENT HIM ON THIS MISSION IN THE FIRST PLACE? Or how many Irish stereotypes can they pack into poor red-headed, fiery-tempered, hard-drinking yet ultra-religious Siobhan? And just how stupid of a name is “The Balkan,” anyway?) is surprisingly fun, so I’m not going to pick at it. You know… much. More.
Finally, something happened yesterday at Sonny’s house. Something so horrible that even with my finger plastered to the fast forward button for DEAR LIFE, I was still shaking and scarred by the end of the hour. I’m referring, of course, the the unholy CENSORED between Sonny and Claire.
Look, if you saw it, then… in the words of The Doctor, I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry:
If you didn’t see it, there is no way I would ever subject you to the abomination the rest of us witnessed, which involved CENSORED and CENSORED. And then, at the end, when they– CENSORED.
Not to mention the tank top. I mean… wow. Just, consider yourselves lucky and do not go looking for caps if you value your lunch.