I knew we were in for something awesome when the summary for yesterday’s episode was: “Robin falls down a well.” Down a well, people! That’s just fabulous.
And I wasn’t disappointed. But first, we had to sit through some more of CrazyLisa’s crazy ruminations on all things Scrubs, which was a treat in and of itself, because… well, bitch crazy.
So Lisa presented her theories on 1) how Robin has been sucking the life out of not only Patrick, but really the whole town with her prissy, judgey, no-fun-having personality, 2) how Robin trapped fun-loving Patrick in the first place by using her life-threatening sexually transmitted disease — which, as you all know, is like catnip to players like him, and 3) how Lisa herself does not feel any need to go to therapy, thank you very much.
She also attempted to groom Robin’s car-crash hair, which was hilarious:
Eventually, Robin got sick of hanging out in crazytown (population: Lisa). Fortunately, her dash for freedom — which Lisa was amusingly half-hearted about attempting to stop — lasted all of three seconds before she apparently ran straight into one of those omnipresent ground level open wells that are so common out in the woods. Leading Brianna Brown to bust out several variations of her signature CRAZY SMILE:
And it was indeed awesome.
Meanwhile, back at the hospital, Patrick continued his campaign for redemption by being pretty adorably concerned about Robin and also totally on to Lisa’s murderous shenanigans. And because I have a short memory when it comes to characters I want to like, I’m inclined to let his campaign succeed. It’s just not fun hating on Patrick, you guys! Cut me some slack.
Bottom line: I continue to improbably enjoy that crap-ass story. It’s… weird.
The same cannot be said for Brenda’s endless ruminations on Sonny, and how she’s apparently still not even the least bit over him, despite the fact that the last time they were physically together for more than five minutes was SEVEN YEARS AGO, and she was so over him then that she was ready to marry another man. But whatever, show. God forbid we get a slow build to this reunion that actually makes sense. That would be all soapy or something. Can’t have that.
On the other side of the pond, Sonny has been busy having equally improbable and (frankly) inappropriate conversations about Brenda with half his kids, and I would really rather spork my eyes out that transcribe any of THAT. So, instead, I’ll present the one enjoyable part of this entire story.
Namely, this week’s Breath of Sanity award, which goes to…. [drum roll] Samantha McCall, ladies and gentlemen!
SPINELLI: This must be be like a dagger to fair Samantha’s heart. What man could resist the divine Brenda? What hero wouldn’t rush to her rescue?
SAM: Look at the picture.
SPINELLI: Don’t torture yourself–
SAM: Stop. Really. Look at the picture without projecting your own weird Brenda fantasy. Now, does this remotely look like the Jason we know? He is in a tuxedo. He hates wearing tuxedos. He’s actually getting his picture taken? He’s like the most private person we know.
SPINELLI: Maybe Brenda just has that affect on people.
SAM: [in her best ‘talking to a small child’ voice] Look. Again. She is a MODEL. She is a FAMOUS PERSON. This is a photo op, red carpet event, or something. Poor Jason’s trapped in this cummerbund and tie. I kind of feel bad for him, actually.
Absolutely refreshing isn’t it? And as you all know, sanity hasn’t always been Sam’s specialty — especially when it comes to Jason — so let’s give the lady a big round of applause!
Not accepting any such award this evening is her cousin, with this gem:
NIKOLAS: Maxie, I am well aware of Brook’s dealings with Carly and Lulu and I’m satisfied that there’s two sides to every story.
What? What does that even MEAN? It’s like words are coming out of his mouth, and they sound like English, but they’re actually complete gibberish. Brook drugged and attempted to rape a man for money. She confessed this. Of her own volition. What’s the other side of the story here? That it didn’t work and she sort of felt bad about it after the fact?
Meanwhile, over at Johnny Z’s swinging bachelor pad:
ETHAN: Hey, good looking. What’s cookin– wait, why are you laughing?
JOHNNY: Oh, I just thought of something funny. And it certainly has nothing to do with your hair.
ETHAN: I hate you.
JOHNNY: Look, there’s no need to get sensitive about it. I just thought you realized that when I told you that ponytail made you look like a tremendous douche, I meant you should, you know… cut it off.
ETHAN: Whoah, whoah, whoah… you were serious about that? I thought you were just kidding around. Like mates do.
JOHNNY: Like mates do? Man, I get that you’re Australian, okay? You don’t have to keep shoving it in my face in every conversation. And maybe that haircut would fly Down Under, but here, I’m telling you: it just looks like you’re fresh off the floor of the douche factory.
ETHAN: Now you’re just being hurtful.
JOHNNY: Look, I’m sorry, okay? It’s just friends don’t let friends douche out. It’s getting embarrassing to be seen with you, man. And you’re pretty much the only person still talking to me at this point, so I’d like you to not be such an eyesore.
ETHAN: I don’t know where you get off being so judgmental. You probably can’t even run a finger through your hair, there’s so much gel caked in that weird wannabe pompadour thing you’ve got going on in front — YEAH, I SAID IT — and just because you’ve got this smoking hot love/hate relationship with a MILF going on, you think you’re God’s gift. But I happen to think I look quite fetching with this ‘do, and I have it on good authority that ladies love the free flowing locks–
JOHNNY: Was that good authority the underage abuse victim who represents your most long-running and successful romantic relationship to date on this show?
ETHAN: Oh, screw you.
JOHNNY: Yeah, thought so.
Sorry, Nathan Parsons. I kid with love! (But seriously… get a haircut, hippie.)