Therapy? Who needs it? Other than the audience, I mean.

Remember the other day, when I gave Sam some much needed sanity points for being the only person in Jason’s life not acting like a TOTAL EFFING FREAK about Brenda? (Yes, Carly and Spinelli, I am looking at you.)

Well, I’m afraid there’s been a sanity recall.

You see, Michael’s feeling a wee bit insecure about his sexual inexperience, and he wants Jason to hire him an escort to walk him through it, so to speak. Let’s hear what Jason thinks about that, shall we?

JASON: I just think he needs to take it slow, that’s all. Just slow.
SAM: But Jason, he is asking for your help. And if you don’t he’s going to go out and do it on his own. Do you want that?
JASON: No. I just think this whole thing’s a bad idea!
SAM: I know this girl. Her name is Candy. I worked with her under cover. She’s going to college. She’s trying to do the right thing. Jason, she just may be the perfect girl for Michael.

CRAZY SAYS WHAT? Ah, yes. A girl he has to pay to touch him, whose only purpose is to be a human punching bag he won’t feel bad about taking his PTSD issues out on. Sounds like the perfect, emotionally healthy choice to me!

Look, far be it for me to take Jason’s side on just about anything. But he seems to be the only person on Team Sanity, aka Team Abstinence, at the moment. So I’m going to take the unprecedented step of saying: WORD, MORGAN.

Hey, here’s a thought! Is there some reason why Michael can’t just… not have sex? Until, you know, he actually feels like it? Or, at least until being touched by other human beings doesn’t make him want to punch them? I mean, GOD FORBID he work through his sexual trauma by learning how to build an actual relationship of trust with a woman.

(Can you even imagine a storyline where a female rape victim went to a prostitute because she was afraid of having sex with someone she cared about? Of course not! Because all female rape victims on soap operas are “saved” by the tender love of a good man, who proves his worthiness by having the patience to wait and take things as slow. When young men get close to sexual assault in Port Charles — even if only by proxy, like Lucky after Elizabeth was attacked — apparently the only solution is to head straight to a hooker.)

But maybe I’m wrong! Maybe this story will turn out to be a thoughtful commentary on the pressure society places on men to show no weakness and to prove themselves sexually. Maybe Michael will get a slow, tender romance of his own with an understanding partner whose love makes him feel safe and allows him to heal–

Oh, stop laughing.

Reason number eight hundred and fifty-seven why Alexis is made of awesome: she is a master of minimalist snark.

CLAIRE: Look, I’m well aware of all the women that Sonny has been with, but our relationship is different.
ALEXIS: Good luck with that.

Love her!

Speaking of Claire, if the above absurdity didn’t make it abundantly clear… girlfriend has lost her ever-loving mind. And then some. She has also regressed to the maturity level of a fifteen year old, judging by this dreadful business, which gave me contact embarrassment even on fast forward:

(I hereby apologize to any fifteen year olds who might be reading this — that was a low blow and I’m sure you are WAY more mature than Claire Walsh.)

Fortunately, Sonny is too much of a computer illiterate to be properly horrified at receiving a serious proposition in Comic Sans. In fact, he seemed hilariously baffled by the entire concept of fonts. Or maybe just of word processing in general:

SONNY: How’d you get it to do that?
CLAIRE: What do you mean? I’m a woman of many talents.

You’re certainly a woman of many personalities!

Today, of course, Claire got her inevitable comeuppance for falling, like so many women before her, into Sonny’s dimpled trap. I wish I could say it was particularly satisfying, but the truth is that I waited through all of Sonny and Brenda’s overwrought angsting at each other yesterday in the hopes that something soapy might actually happen. But instead of Claire marching in and catching them in the act, she missed Brenda completely, and all I got for my trouble was a half-hearted, stuttering, BORING Sonny brush off.

Not exactly the entertaining schadenfreude I’d been hoping for.

I’m sure that now we’re supposed to see Claire as an evil woman scorned who is persecuting Sonny unfairly. But since he’s still, you know… A CAREER CRIMINAL, and since her decision to stop prosecuting him in the first place was completely nonsensical and insulting, I really can’t get worked up about it. Except that now we can look forward to more endless, pointless legal maneuvering, followed by everyone in town lining up to talk about how oppressed Sonny is.

I kind of want to vomit just thinking about it.

And finally, a brief comment concerning Maxie. Specifically… this:

Incandescentflower: I have no idea what climbed on top of Kristen Storms’ head, but it was frightening.
Tenillypo: OMG, I was thinking the exact same thing. But then I was like… I just did a snarky hair post. I can’t do another one so soon, damnit!
Incandescentflower: Apparently Johnny’s apartment is a magnet for awful hair.
Tenillypo: It’s a vortex of bad hair.
Incandescentflower: It draws these awful hair choices to it!
Tenillypo: It’s a bad hair black hole!
Incandescentflower: And yet Olivia looks lovely.
Tenillypo: Maybe Olivia is like a hair vampire. She sucks the attractiveness out of other people’s hair and feeds it into her own.

Olivia’s expression in that cap makes it seem like she, too, is wondering why someone who works in the fashion industry is walking around in public with a mullet full of bad roots. RIGHT THERE WITH YOU, LIV.

(Don’t you love, by the way, the fact that Maxie spent an entire week hyperventilating all around town about how worried she was for Robin. But now that Robin’s been found, the writers couldn’t be bothered to throw in a single scene where she found out she was okay? So effing typical.)

And on that note, I’ll end by saying that Patrick and Robin’s scenes today were painful but pitch-perfect, and I don’t have a single snarky thing to say about them. It’s a Tuesday miracle!

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14 thoughts on “Therapy? Who needs it? Other than the audience, I mean.

  1. Thank you!!! Because that is exactly how I felt after watching this mess…excuse me, hot mess.. I was like wait, maybe I need therapy because I can not fathom why SAM is so excited and giddy about getting Michael (teenaged, recently released from prison -where he was raped- after killing his stepmother with an ax handle! MICHAEL)a HOOKER to deal with his issues. Huh, to the what?

    And then she kept explaining that Candy was a GOOD GIRL and was trying to do the right thing. Well, what in the world is the right thing Sam? Cause this GOOD GIRL is willing to come over and sleep with this traumatized teenage boy, who is afraid that he may flip out and starting beating the heck out of a woman because of PSTD.

    I’m at a loss…

    • The implication running through all those conversations was that it would somehow be preferable for Michael hurt or otherwise mistreat a sex worker than a “nice” girl like Aly. It really, really bothered me. But then, of course, you have the juxtaposition of Sam repeating over and over that Candy is a “good” girl herself — unlike all those other, nasty, not “good” hookers! So much wrong in such a short hour…

      I mean, you could seriously write a whole sociology paper on gender and sex work and contemporary American culture just from this episode alone!

      • I totally agree with what both you guys have said and only have this to add: How many good girls are strippers and willing to sleep with guys for money?

        Calling Candy is almost as laughable as Brook Lynn scoffing at being called Nik’s escort to these assorted events. Um, Brook Lynn you agree to sleep with a guy for money and drugged him in an attempt to do so; calling you an escort would be a step up.

        • Yeah see. I was watching that interaction too… scratching my head…thinking…um what’s with all the “hooker/escort” topic and talks this week?

          AND I too was baffled at Brook Lynn’s dismay over being considered a paid “escort” when she was ever so willing to hop astride Dante for cash weeks earlier, and that was for an undercover plot to destroy a long standing relationship and a supposedly good friend she had known since, what, they were two? Now, with the Prince, she’s suddenly distraught over the terminology. Agreed, Rachel, escort is not only a step up its a compliment compared to what I was calling her a couple of weeks ago.

          • Exactly. Plus Nik is Lulu’s brother and he knows what Brook did to Dante and tried to do Lante. What is he doing with her, paid employee or not? I do see some chemistry between Tyler Christopher and Adrianne Leon, but not enough to overcome that ick factor.

  2. “The implication running through all those conversations was that it would somehow be preferable for Michael to mistreat a sex worker than a “nice” girl like Aly”…

    OHHHHHHHH…

    That’s sick…and sad…but still ohh, okay, so that’s what they were going for.

    See, how it helps to have these blog sites so that we (the tortured viewers) can talk through, discuss, and at least get some kind of clarity on the insanity.

    I thank you. (LOL)

    • *laughs* Well, that’s how I read those scenes at least. I’m sure that writers would argue with my interpretation… But they’d probably also argue that their show wasn’t full of misogyny as a whole, so I don’t really trust their judgment. ;)

  3. HA..

    Yes, and they would also argue that Mobsters are romantic good guys, Hitmen are heroes, Police Officers are all liars and devil spawned, screeching whorish banshees (I’m looking at you Carly!) are the REAL strong independent leading women who should be emulated, career women such as District Attorneys are controlling, frigid idiots whose only “secret” wish in life is to bed A MOBSTER and…sorry…

    I have to stop…I would be here ALL DAY…

  4. Robin and Patrick have played their storyline just perfectly. I actually hurt for them both. Well, maybe Robin a little (lot) more. But as for the rest of whats happening – I am so glad you have the ability to recap this horse-crap pile of wasted airwaves ’cause I HAVE. NO. WORDS.

    This show makes me swallow some Extra-strength Tylenol and have to take a hot shower every time I watch it.

    • I am frequently reduced to NO WORDS by this show. I also often have to pause the TiVo so I can gesture angrily at the television.

      It’s a sickness. Truly.

  5. I have a feeling Guza wrote that Michael needs a hooker scene remembering the Tammy/Lucky scene and how it was genearlly received favorably since Tammy A – realized hello Lucky was underaged and did nothing but TALK TO THE KID and B – it was Lucky working through some of his issues by, again, TALKING…and wrote this scene….totally so if he got panned he could throw it out there as a defensive shield. “BUt you all loooooved it when Lucky did the same thing.” you know the same way he throws out Luke being in the mob when he arrived in town when he gets hit with the mob worshipper stuff twice a year.

    So Sonny has no idea about basic word processing…calls Spinelli whenever he needs a Google search cause he cant’ work that…….why exactly is he a criminal mastermind that requires his enemies to come up with comically complicated plots to take him down again? Seems THE BALKAN or Jerry Jax or Franco or or Johnny or GOD FORBID the PCPD just have to send him a file via email and BAM! Sonny Corrinthos is taken out by the inability to download a file.

    • Since it seems like practically anyone can march into Sonny’s living room at any time without guards stopping them, the fact that no one has simply gunned him down (perhaps while he’s distracted by trying to figure out how to open and e-mail attachment conveniently just sent — double pronged attack!).

      Similarly, have you ever noticed how Jason never checks who’s at his door before he opens it? SO EASY TO KILL IF ANYONE WAS ACTUALLY TRYING.

    • I had a similar thought re the connection to the Lucky/Tammy scene, but as everyone who was watching back then knows, the comparison between the two situations ends at a teenage boy and a prostitute talking in a room about their problems regarding sex. Tammy had been on the show for a bit then so viewers knew a bit about her, and she got Lucky to open up and talk about the reasons fueling his request for sex without any intention of actually sleeping with him. Candy, on the other hand, was fully willing to sleep with a stranger she knew had emotional problems and issues with sex, and she only wanted to talk to Michael to make him comfortable enough to get him in bed. Candy did the right thing by leaving in the end, but not without first telling Michael he had an open invitation for sex.

      And to top it all off, rumor has it that since Candy was so well recieved by viewers, she’ll be back. If that rumor is true, who are these viewers, and are they all locked up at Shadybrook?

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