There is an infectious disease running rampant through Port Charles. Let’s call it male scriptum.
(Literally: “bad writing” according to Google Translate. And no, I did not even intend for that to be some sort of feminist pun/dig against Guza. It just worked out that way. Awesomely, if I do say so myself. And I do.)
Male scriptum is what happens when otherwise sane or sensible characters who I used to love — and who I know would never normally say the words now coming out of their mouths — come within a certain proximity to Sonny and then proceed to LOSE THEIR FUCKING MINDS. Witness Brenda, minutes after coming face to face with Sonny and the son he shot in the chest:
DANTE: I was assigned to go working undercover for Sonny, and when I tried to arrest him, he shot me. Right here.
SONNY: I’ll tell you again, that… I regret that.
DANTE: Not as much as I did.
BRENDA: Sonny would never do anything to hurt you.
ME: WHAT THE– SHOOTING HIM HURT HIM! ARE YOU DEAF, WOMAN?
See what I mean? Male scriptum, all the way. So I’m trying to remember that it’s a disease and it’s not these characters’ fault. Because the world would be a sad, sad place if I ever came to hate Brenda Barrett, who’s been my TV girlfriend for like, half my life, you know?
But it’s hard, people. It is really, really hard.
All that aside, Vanessa Marcil and Dominic Zamprogna are both appealing actors who would each probably have mad chemistry with a piece of brick, so seeing them together is not exactly a hardship. Except that my creeping fear of having to watch Brenda in a love triangle with a father and son is really ruining any enjoyment I might otherwise be getting out of all the May/December bodyguard flashbacks.
Good thing flashback!Dante’s goofy cop hair is utterly adorable! It makes for a good distraction:
Actually, I’m finding pretty much everything about flashback!Dante to be perfectly adorable — so young and earnest! Such a jaunty uniform! I’m even mildly curious about this big secret he and Brenda have agreed to keep, and why, exactly, the damn Balkan wants her so badly.
If only this entire story didn’t fill me with dread.
Meanwhile, over at the hospital, something wonderful happened:
That’s right, y’all! My favorite cheery scenery chewer is out of the loony bin less than a week after she went in!
Which is ludicrous on multiple levels, by the way. Didn’t they keep Elizabeth in there for months after her one half-assed suicide attempt on the roof? But Lisa holds a gun on Robin and Patrick and then attempts to shoot herself, but she’s cleared to do surgery on patients a few days later? WHATEVER, SHOW.
(Also, I think Steven needs a new HR rep, because if holding a gun on your colleagues wouldn’t be ample grounds for firing someone, then I don’t know what would.)
In any case, I am pleased to have her back, because Brianna Brown’s crazy eyes are one of the few truly entertaining things this show has going at the moment. Welcome back, Lisa!
In other hospital-related news, Elizabeth and her fabulously shiny post-maternity leave hair came home, prompting Nikolas to finally say those ten little words I’ve been waiting for since this abomination of a storyline began:
NIKOLAS: Things will never work out between us as a couple.
How does Elizabeth feel about all this? No idea! Because the writers decided to cut away from her reaction and that was that. So glad to know that the year and a half we all spent suffering through this THING THAT SHOULD NOT BE between the two of them was totally worth it from a character perspective.
We did get Liz’s reaction to Nikolas’ decision to have a twenty-something escort move into his home roughly three days after she and the boys left. And that reaction was 1) expressive, 2) fabulous, 3) and as full of bitch-face as you might expect from Becky Herbst:
Love her! And her hair!
After breaking things off with Elizabeth, Nikolas proceeded to have a heart-to-heart with his aforementioned escort-with-a-heart-of-gold about the latest woman he obsessively stalked for months and then instantly got over when she was out of sight, out of mind for five minutes:
BROOK LYNN: Do you mind my asking why? I mean why? Why now? You were friends with Elizabeth for so many years. And from the stories you told me, it was very clear she was Lucky’s girl. So why? What, all of a sudden, made her so irresistible?
NIKOLAS: Temporary insanity, I guess?
First of all: GOOD EFFING QUESTION, BROOK. Second: since I guess that’s as much satisfaction as we’re ever going to get from this whole debacle, I’ll take it, but… really, writers? I’m not sure how temporary the insanity is if it lasts for over a year, you know?
But these are just details. The important thing is Nikolas and Elizabeth are over, you guys! Finished! Done! A thing of the past! No more to traumatize young eyes with the sight of their gross macking on each other!
It is, indeed, a beautiful day.
Finally, Lucky and Siobhan’s excellent Irish adventures continue, albeit with the good stuff happening mostly off-screen, it seems:
SIOBHAN: You were quite something, jumping from the roof onto that moving garbage truck. I thought you were a goner for sure.
LUCKY: You just have to know how to take a fall and roll.
SIOBHAN: He’s modest too.
LUCKY: Okay. It wasn’t all me. I mean, I wouldn’t have been able to get away if you hadn’t started screaming at the top of your lungs.
SIOBHAN: Someone had to distract those fools before they inflicted serious damage! We make a good team.
Okay. I realize that the idea of this show spending any money on a stunt that doesn’t involve Jason or James Franco is laughable. But would it have killed them to have shown at least a little bit of that? I mean, GOD FORBID we take any time away from this week’s other scintillating stories, like the fifteen minutes we spent watching Max and Milo wrestle on Jason’s couch, or that solid day of Maxie screeching at Brenda like a deranged howler monkey.
Siobhan is pretty annoying, by the way, and if I were Lucky, I would have told her to cram it about five seconds into her endless diatribe about how he betrayed her by lying about who he was — except that, you know, he did actually tell her straight out that he was an undercover cop that first day, oh and also: SHE WAS TRYING TO SHOOT HIM AT THE TIME. I mean, my GOD, woman. Put a lid on the martyr schtick, will you?
But no matter, because I’m a sucker for attractive people having madcap adventures, and a sucker for Lucky getting laid, which practically never happens. So I approve of this stupid story. But I would like to actually see the madcap adventures as well as the making out, you know?
In conclusion: this effing show.