It’s that time of year again, kids — a time for peace, reflection, resolutions that will be forgotten in a month… and mockery. Sweet, sweet mockery.
So here’s looking at you, Port Charles. It’s been a hell of a craptacular year.
General Hospital 2010:
FRANCO: Okay, Batman, here’s the deal–
JASON: It’s Jason.
JASON: My name — it’s Jason. I’ll also accept The Golden Boy, Stone Cold, or Patron Saint of Port Charles in a pinch. But you’ve got to stop calling me Batman. It’s creeping me out.
SAM & LULU: Hello, still kidnapped here, remember?
FRANCO: Right, right. So, Batm– er, Jason. I’ve kidnapped the two people most dear to you and strapped them both to bombs. What do you do, hot shot? WHAT DO YOU DO?
LULU: *raises hand* Actually, I’m more of a friendly acquaintance than anything. I mean, there are probably dozens of other characters Jason cares about more than me…
CARLY, MICHAEL, SPINELLI, SONNY, LIZ, JAKE, & MONICA: YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT THERE ARE.
FRANCO: Everyone’s a critic. I’m out of here.
CARLY: It’s time for Josslyn’s christening!
JASON: Okay, I’ll go get my gun–
CARLY: NO SHOOT OUTS.
JASON: But… it’s a church! We always have a shoot out when there’s a church event!
SONNY: Don’t worry, I got this.
DANTE: Sonny Corinthos, you are under arrest. But hey, since I’m here with zero backup, don’t suppose you just want to come quietly?
SONNY: You know, for someone who spent over a year fooling my entire criminal organization, you’re really terrible at this cop stuff.
DANTE: What, like you’d really be stupid enough to shoot a cop in your living roo– *is shot* I stand corrected.
OLIVIA: You just shot your own son, you moron!
SONNY: Oops. My bad. Hospital?
ELIZABETH: Hello, Nikolas. I just came by to remind you that I will no longer be coming by. You know, after this time. It’s sick and wrong and an unbelievable betrayal of a man we both claim to love.
NIKOLAS: I hear what you’re saying. Allow me to present my counter argument: *drops his pants*
ELIZABETH: Your ideas intrigue me, sir, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
VIEWERS: Our eyes!
LUCKY: My eyes!
LIZ & NIK: Well, crap.
LUCKY: So let me get this straight, Liz. You agreed to marry me. Again. While in love with another man. Again. Another man who happens to be my brother. And lied about it. Again. For months.
ELIZABETH: Well, when you put it like that, it does sound kind of bad.
LUCKY: I am WAY too sober for this conversation.
DANTE: Sonny’s my father, huh? Well, that doesn’t compromise me as a cop at all.
LULU: So you’re going to turn him in for trying to kill you?
DANTE: No, that wouldn’t be sporting. I mean, I was trying to arrest him for something else at the time. We don’t want to complicate things by adding additional evidence into the mix.
LULU: I don’t think that’s quite how it works–
DANTE: I’M NOT COMPROMISED AT ALL, SHUT UP!
SONNY: I’m not trying to dodge responsibility or anything, but Olivia, I hope you understand that me shooting our son is completely your fault.
LULU: You are the worst person I’ve ever met, Sonny Corinthos.
OLIVIA: Oh, HELL yeah.
VIEWERS: *popping popcorn*
SONNY: Look, I thought he was just a cop, okay? I didn’t know he was my son. It’s okay to kill cops if they aren’t related to you, right?
ROBIN: Oh, Sonny, I’m so sorry for you. This must be so painful!
JOHNNY: Oh, for the love of–painful for Dante is what you meant to say, right? RIGHT? This effing town.
DANTE: Yes, I know the evidence would suggest this is physically impossible, but I totally shot myself in the chest. You know, from five feet across the room.
PCPD FORENSICS DEPARTMENT: Don’t look at us. Apparently, we don’t exist.
ELIZABETH: So, funny story… I’m preggers. Again. And I don’t know who the father is. Again.
LUCKY: Oh, what the hell.
ELIZABETH: I know! I’m like the most fertile woman in town!
NIKOLAS: Elizabeth, I just want you to know that if this baby is mine, you and it will become my personal property for all time.
ELIZABETH: Suddenly, I have this strange urge to go jump off the roof.
STEVE: Okay, sis. I love you, and that’s why I’m totally prepared to have you institutionalized against your will.
SHADYBROOK STAFF: You ever notice how we only ever institutionalize women against their will here? What a strange coincidence!
HELENA: Even though the idea of my beloved grandson raising a Spencer child as the Cassadine heir should be anathema to a bloodline-obsessed freak like me, I’m going to switch the paternity results to ensure that’s exactly what happens.
HENCHMAN: Madam, this scheme makes even less sense than usual.
KRISTINA: I hate my dad so much! He’s just an angry, controlling bastard who’ll hurt anyone who doesn’t do what he says.
KIEFER: Yeah, he’s a real piece of work. By the way, honey, you didn’t wear this dress I bought you at my party, so now I’ll have to kill you.
WRITERS: Do you get the irony? … No, really. Can you explain the irony to us? We don’t really understand what the word means.
SONNY: Tell Daddy who hurt you, Kristina, and I promise I won’t rip his balls off and use them to beat him to death.
KRISTINA: It was Ethan!
ETHAN: Oh, bloody hell. That’ll teach me to form close, inappropriate friendships with underage girls, then push them around in public when they start stalking me as a result.
LUKE: Don’t be so hard on yourself, Dodge. Sometimes mouthy bitches just push a man past his limit, amirite?
VIEWERS: Yeah, kind of losing sympathy for both of you here, mates.
MAYA: Hi, everyone! I’m a Quartermaine, I work at the hospital, and I’m not white.
VIEWERS: Get ready to have no plot, then.
ETHAN: Don’t worry, she’ll have a plot. It will just be a really stupid one.
LUKE: Out of respect for our old friendship, please don’t kill my son.
SONNY: Gee, I’d really like to help you out, but I’ve gotta kill your son. You know, for my daughter’s sake.
KRISTINA: Dad I am begging you not to kill Ethan.
SONNY: Quiet, honey. Men are talking.
VIEWERS: How did this story stop being about actual domestic violence and start being all about the pain of men dealing with false accusations?
KIEFER: Hey, baby. Feel like another beat down?
ALEXIS’ CAR: I know I sure am!
VIEWERS: Well, that was… strangely unsatisfying.
WRITERS: How about another trial?
VIEWERS: Hell, no!
WRITERS: Okay, okay. Community service. You guys are totally no fun.
ELIZABETH: Well, I’m finally out of the loony bin!
SHIRLEY: I’m a wacky old patient here to teach you all a lesson about life and love, or something. Here, buy an ugly necklace. It will make you less crazy.
ELIZABETH: You know, when I said I deserved something less insulting than the crazy plot and less stupid than the bad financial investments plot… this wasn’t really what I had in mind.
HELENA: Oh, fine. I guess I’ll step in.
ELIZABETH: Thank you! Hey, Nikolas, your crazy, homicidal grandmother is loose and stalking me around town.
NIKOLAS: Grandmother’s a harmless pussycat!
ELIZABETH: Are you on crack?
NIKOLAS: You’re just saying that because you want Lucky to be father of this baby, aren’t you?
ELIZABETH: She made us think Lucky was dead for a year! Ordered you to poison me! And oh, yeah: KIDNAPPED YOUR OTHER SON.
ELIZABETH: Spencer? Cute kid? Lives in your mansion? Likes horses?
NIKOLAS: … not really ringing a bell, sorry.
ELIZABETH: You know what? You’re right. I do want Lucky to be this baby’s father.
SHIRLEY: Now, dear, let’s not be too hasty. I may be a half-senile cancer patient you just met, but I think that controlling asshole would make a great father.
JOHNNY: Hey, remember my sister? Brutally axe-murdered? Anyone? Bueller?
JAX: Well, this is sure to ruin my marriage, endanger my step-son, and all around wreck my life, but… I’m on it!
JAX: But this town only has two lawyers and both of them either work for or have a child with the defendant, so we need to bring in some outside talent. I’m thinking an insultingly one dimensional career bitch stereotype might fit the bill.
CLAIRE WALSH: Someone say my name?
MICHAEL: Suddenly I feel taller. And a lot more calm. And does anyone else find my sad puppy dog eyes utterly irresistible?
DANTE: So, it turns out Sonny didn’t kill Claudia after all? Well, damn. I guess I really should have turned him in for trying to kill me. Who could have predicted this ironic turn of events?
HALF THE TOWN: *starts to raise their hands*
DANTE: Oh, shut up.
DANTE: I’m turning in my brother in open court without any attempt at a plea agreement beforehand. But I’m sure justice will be served.
JUDGE: Sorry, plot dictates that I be an unreasonable asshole. Also, this trial is a farce and I hate every single one of you.
DANTE: … I’ve made a huge mistake.
MICHAEL: Bye, mom. Bye, dad. I’ll write you from prison. You know, if I don’t get shanked first.
CARLY: Sure, I chose to let Michael be raised in a life of violence and lawlessness, watched him emulate a killer for years, spoiled him horribly so he had no sense of consequences for his actions, and forced him to take part in the cover up that has directly led to this turn of events, but… this is clearly all Dante and Lulu’s fault and I will not rest until I’m seated on a throne of their bones, feasting on the sad, withered remains of their former happiness– oh, hi, Lulu. How are you, sweetie?
LULU: That’s odd. I suddenly feel like someone just walked over my grave.
MICHAEL: Wow, Carter, saving me from those other inmates out of the goodness of your heart was so nice! Let’s be best friends forever!
VIEWERS: This… is not going to end well, is it?
WRITERS: Don’t worry. If we’re too chickenshit to actually say the ‘r’ word, then it never really happened, right?
JASON: I’d like to sign up for prison so I can protect Michael. That cool?
CLAIRE: Why not? Everything else about this miserable plot has been ludicrous. I see no reason to let reality intrude now.
CARLY: Jason, the fact that you, a career criminal who’s murdered countless people for money, are sending yourself to prison voluntarily just proves yet again that you are the most noble, wonderful, perfect human being who ever lived.
SONNY: Claire, the fact that you, the woman who has fanatically worked to put me in prison for months, would now help my best friend go there instead just proves that you are a woman I should be banging.
VIEWERS: OUR EYES! AGAIN!
JASON: Hey, Michael. Guess who’s here to keep you safe?
MICHAEL: Great timing, man. No, really. You couldn’t have gotten here, like, one hour earlier?
MICHAEL: NOTHING. NEVERMIND. I JUST DON’T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED NOW, OKAY.
WRITERS: *high five* We are masters of subtlety.
DANTE: Please let Michael out of jail, please let Michael out of jail, please let Michael out of jail.
JUDGE: Damn! Three times! Now I can’t refuse.
ROBIN: Well, I’m off to Africa to help children with AIDS.
PATRICK: I don’t think I have ever known anyone as selfish as you.
LISA: You were so much cooler in college, when you drank beer and watched car racing and cheated on me all the time.
PATRICK: Suddenly I hate marriage and having to consider someone else’s feelings. Family is like… so lame.
LISA: Marriage is the worst. It kills you inside.
PATRICK: Also, Robin never shares her love of her dead boyfriend with me. She completely shuts me out.
LISA: Sing it! Lisa rules and Robin drools.
PATRICK: Lisa, even though I hadn’t thought of you in years and have had no romantic interest in you since you came to town, I am going to risk my entire career by punching my boss in the face because he’s dating you.
STEVE: What. The. Fuck.
LISA: You turn me on when you’re an arrogant asshole.
PATRICK: You turn me on when I’m drunk.
ROBIN: I’m back!
PATRICK: *zipping up his pants* I’ve made a huge mistake.
TRACY: Am I the only one around here who can see how suspiciously Helena is acting?
TRACY: I’m dying, husband.
LUKE: Funny story… turns out we were never legally married.
TRACY: I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to live, just so I can kill you.
NIKOLAS: Hmm, looks like our dungeon is finally getting some use. Hello, Luke and Tracy.
TRACY: Uh, get us the hell out of here!
NIKOLAS: Not so fast. Grandmother is a perfectly reasonable person who is probably completely justified in locking you up and practically causing you to die of pneumonia.
LUCKY, LUKE and TRACY: Okay, seriously… are you on crack?
KRISTINA: Johnny, you hate my father? What a coincidence! So do I! How’s about you pretend to be my boyfriend so we can really stick it to him?
JOHNNY: I don’t know. I’ve done some pretty bad things, but using a teenage girl for revenge against her father seems like a one way ticket straight to hell…
SONNY: *sees them just talking and completely loses his shit*
JOHNNY: Kid, this could be the beginning of a beautiful fake relationship.
OLIVIA: … wait, what?
SONNY: So, you know how heart-wrenching and painful it was for me to lose my wife in a car bomb in the 90s? Well, I learned an important lesson from that: car bombs work. Let’s take Johnny out — full proof plan!
MAX: Wow. Even I can see that this is a horrible idea.
SONNY: Fool. Proof. Plan.
CAR BOMB: Not again. *sigh*
SONNY: Oh, no! My daughter! I almost caused myself horrendous pain and guilt! Woe is me! Who could have seen this coming?
ROBIN: Lisa cut my face out of all my wedding photos!
LISA: Anybody could have done that!
ROBIN: Lisa boiled my daughter’s stuffed animal!
LISA: *whistle’s innocently*
ROBIN: Lisa jumped in front of my car to make it look like I hit her!
STEVE: Robin, you wanna dial down the crazy a little, maybe?
MAXIE: My non-marriage to Spinelli hasn’t been the same since I cheated on him. I think the obvious solution is to make him jealous by flirting with another man in front of him.
MATT: Ooh, pick me! Pick me!
VIEWERS: Matt’s still on this show?
FRANCO: Hey everyone! I’m baaack! Why? Well, I missed Jason’s rippling muscles and those dreamy blue eyes. I lose myself sometimes as I stare into his soul… um, I mean I’ve come to create more art?
DANTE: Well, I guess we have no choice but to get Jason out of prison. I mean, who else is going to catch this criminal? The police? … Hey, stop laughing.
VIEWERS: Seriously? There’s no money in the budget for Genie Francis or the Nurses’ Ball, but they give us this crap?
ELIZABETH: Someone stole my baby!
LUCKY: It must be Franco!
VIEWERS: What…? How…? Oh, we give up.
STEVE: Wow, I am terrible at my job. The only worse thing that could happen is a shoot out in the middle of the ER.
KIEFER’S SUDDENLY CRAZY DAD: Ask and ye shall receive.
STEVE: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
FRANCO: I LOVE YOU, JAAAAASSSSSOOOOOON… *splats*
DANTE: Huh. Franco set up this elaborate plan and then jumped off a building to kill himself. But somehow he’s not really dead, which we didn’t catch because apparently we never bothered to even look at the body. Makes perfect sense.
VIEWERS: Erm? Whatever. If it means that Franco is gone, we’ll swallow anything.
LUCKY: Hey look, I saved the baby without any back up whatsoever!
VIEWERS: Okay, we can’t swallow that.
CARLY: Let me get this straight: you grew up with Dante, which should technically be impossible, given the fact that he’s 30 and you were born in 1996. Also, even though your mom’s a successful music producer and your father’s a rock star CEO, you’ve somehow been reduced to scamming hot dogs from park vendors to keep from starving.
BROOK LYNN: Not only that, but I’m totally desperate enough to betray one of my oldest friends for money!
CONTRIVANCE: Don’t look at me. I don’t write this crap.
CLAIRE: I think we should have a baby.
CLAIRE: Come on — you’re a career criminal. I’m a DA. It’ll be like a bad sitcom!
CLAIRE: Oh, fine. How about instead I get your head henchman out of jail on a technicality I deliberately wrote into his plea agreement, but which your high paid lawyer was completely unable to find for some reason?
SONNY: You’re so hot when you’re compromising your professional integrity for me.
DANTE: I love Lulu.
BROOK LYNN: Crap. Guess I’ll just have to drug and rape you! I mean, old friends are one thing, but we’re talking fifty thousand dollars here.
VIEWERS: Wait… WHAT?
LULU: I WILL CUT YOU AND MAKE YOU EAT DIRT.
BROOK LYNN: You know what? Prostituting myself like that was demeaning. I’m better than that.
EDWARD: Your loving family will let you live in our mansion as long as you agree to go back to school. All expenses paid, of course!
BROOK LYNN: Ew, no. I like to think I have some self respect.
NIKOLAS: I’ll pay you to pretend to date me.
BROOK LYNN: Finally, a job with dignity!
JOHNNY: So, am I the only one who still hates Sonny around here?
OLIVIA, CLAIRE, KRISTINA & DANTE: Yup, pretty much.
JOHNNY: Fine. You all suck. I guess if you want something done right, you really do have to do it yourself.
BRENDA: Well, I’ve spent the last seven years living a glamorous life in Europe, dating celebrities, and finding true fulfillment doing charity work for children. But I don’t have Sonny, so clearly, my life has no meaning.
POOR MAN’S MATT DAMON: I’m sweet, kind, filthy rich, marginally attractive yet refreshingly humble, and I love you, Brenda.
BRENDA: That’s nice. What do you think Sonny’s doing right now?
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: Brenda, shady underworld figures are trying to kidnap you!
BRENDA: Whatever. Say, do you think I should e-mail Sonny? Just to say hi?
DANTE: Sonny Corinthos, you are under arrest.
SONNY: Man, again? What is this, like the third time this year? And I didn’t even actually do anything this time!
DANTE: So you didn’t shoot Johnny point blank in the chest?
SONNY: Oh, I totally shot him. But it was justified this time! You know, not like when I shot you point blank in the chest.
DANTE: On that note, I guess I’m off to inexplicably stick my neck out for you, because we have such a solid relationship of trust between us.
SONNY: Great, I’ll send you a postcard from Rome.
DANTE: What was that?
SONNY: Nothing, nothing. Just appreciating the trust.
GOONS: *get handsey with Bren*
SONNY: I don’t think so.
BRENDA: Let’s catch up! I’ve dedicated my life to helping children.
SONNY: That’s great. I’ve dedicated my life to having children. Then endangering them. I got one of my kids shot in the head, actually shot another one in the chest, and nearly blew up my daughter.
BRENDA: That just proves what a good father you are.
VIEWERS: … LESS AWESOME.
SONNY: Listen, it’s obvious that you’re in terrible danger still, but I got this thing I gotta do back home. Her name’s Claire. Catch you later?
VIEWERS: … THE FUCK?
JASON: The ex-love of my boss’ life, who I kind of hate, is in danger. Which I didn’t hear about from him, for some reason. Guess I’ll have to drop everything and go help her. You don’t mind, do you, honey?
SAM: No. I’m finally secure enough in myself and our relationship to not feel threatened by you paying attention to other women.
Meanwhile, somewhere across town…
CARLY: Something’s wrong. My Jason-ometer is pinging… I sense that… my kids and I are not his first and only priority. THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD.
JASON: I’m here to save you, Brenda.
BRENDA: I hate you.
JASON: I hate you too.
BRENDA: I hate you more.
JASON: I hate you times infinity.
BRENDA: Will you hold me while I sleep?
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: …
INTERPOL: By bizarre and completely unbelievable coincidence, you are the exact look alike of a dead, Irish assassin.
LUCKY: Seriously? I know I said I’d do anything for a plot of my own, but this is pushing it.
PATRICK: Anyone seen Robin?
LISA: Robin who? I mean, I bet she just wandered off. She has a history of just going crazy.
STONE’S GHOST: I aged good, didn’t I?
ROBIN: Hubba hubba!
STONE’S GHOST: So, wanna have a well-written conversation that respects the show’s history?
ROBIN: You’ve been gone a while so you might not be aware — they outlawed conversations like that about ten years ago.
STONE’S GHOST: Let’s try and sneak it in anyway.
VIEWERS: THANK YOU!
PATRICK: Robin! How did you get in that well?
LISA: Doo dee doo…
ROBIN: Lisa tried to kill me!
LISA: Oh, that’s ridiculous. I just found her here in the middle of the woods by chance! Also, I brought a gun. Because I love you, Patrick!
SHADYBROOKE VAN: Another lady to round up. Maybe we should just save some time and take in every woman in town.
GUZA: Sounds good to me!
LULU: Lucky’s impersonating an assassin and in terrible danger? Let’s go see if we can blow his cover!
DANTE: Well, I happen to be an expert in going undercover around family members who can’t mind their own business. Irish vacation, here we come!
SIOBHAN: I’m Irish. You can tell because I’ve got red hair, a feisty attitude, and I hang out in bars all day. Also, check out this ridiculously over the top accent.
LUCKY: Look, all of you are really salting my game here. Seriously. Stop following me around.
FATHER LUKE: You think you know ridiculous accents, girly? You ain’t seen nothing yet.
JASON: You have to come back to Port Charles.
BRENDA: I’d rather die.
JASON: Yeah, that’s pretty much the only other option.
BRENDA: … really?
JASON: No, not really. But this plot’s been dragging on for way too long already, and I miss my girlfriend. So come on.
SPINELLI: You thought I was annoying when I was fawning over Lulu and Maxie? Hah! The Jackal has only begun to show you the depth of his obsessive creepiness!
VIEWERS: Oh, sweet Jesus.
MICHAEL: My two weeks in the joint have changed me into a monster who can never fit into normal society again!
SAM: You know what that kid needs?
DANTE: Good Italian cooking. Oh, and therapy, of course.
SAM: … a hooker!
ENTIRE TOWN: Say what?
BROOK LYNN: Hey, don’t look at me. I’m an escort now. Not a hooker. Huge difference.
ABBY: Well, I am a hooker. Wait no, I’m actually a tender-hearted stripper who was going to do a friend a solid by sleeping with a traumatized young man. What? That’s not weird!
DANTE: Why, hello, stranger!
BRENDA: Yes, hello, person I have never met before!
DANTE: HAHAHAHA! That’s funny, the thought of us meeting.
SONNY: Why are the two of you being so weird?
BRENDA: Your face is weird! I mean… nothing. We’re not acting weird. Why would you say that?
TRACY & LUKE: We’re going to Vegas. But not to get married.
VIEWERS: Oh, God. Hijinks are about to ensue, aren’t they?
ETHAN & MAYA: Maaaaaaybe.
LISA: Well, it’s been a week. I’m all cured of the crazies and ready to practice medicine again!
PATRICK & ROBIN: Are you FREAKING KIDDING me?
STEVE: You’d think her waving a gun at two other employees would be grounds for suspension at the very least. But no.
GH HUMAN RESOURCES DEPT: Don’t look at us. Apparently we don’t exist.
LUCKY: Whew! Those adventures we had off screen sure were exciting.
SIOBHAN: Yes. Let’s recap them as if there’s an invisible audience listening.
ROBIN: Lisa tried to steal my baby!
LISA: No, I didn’t.
ROBIN: Lisa tried to burn my house down!
LISA: *whistles innocently*
STEVE: Robin, I think you really need to chill out–
ROBIN: Lisa tried to drug me! Again!
JOHNNY: Yeah, she did. And for some reason, I’m totally okay with that. I think… I’m kind of a dick now, actually.
VIEWERS: You kind of are.
OLIVIA: Sadly, I agree. Which means the end of hot sex for us, John.
VIEWERS: DAMN IT!
LUCKY: I’m leaving you in the creepy mansion of my estranged brother.
SIOBHAN: Sounds good. Where are you going?
LUCKY: Well, I’m undercover and being watched by dangerous killers. So I thought I’d wander around and see how many public conversations I could have with friends and family.
SIOBHAN: Excellent. I’ll just stay here and get kidnapped, then.
LUCKY: The Balkan!
JASON: The Balkan?
DANTE: The Balkan.
BRENDA: Balkan, Balkan, Balkan!
VIEWERS: We get it, already!
BRENDA: Dante, we can never tell anyone our TERRIBLE SECRET.
DANTE: Yes, although we should meet in public as much as possible to discuss our TERRIBLE SECRET.
BRENDA: It’s so TERRIBLE. And SECRET.
DANTE: If anyone ever found out, it would ruin us both.
EVERYONE: You mean the terrible secret of how she killed a man in self-defense and you covered it up for reasons that are kind of unclear? Eh, whatever.
DANTE: Huh. That was kind of anti-climactic, actually.
BRENDA: Good thing we have an EVEN MORE terrible secret to hide!
RONNIE: I just found a tape with Sonny confessing to setting Johnny’s car bomb!
CLAIRE: Ooh, awkward. See, I’m kind of banging him now…
SONNY: Thanks for burying that tape, hon. Oh, did I mention Brenda’s back in town?
CLAIRE: I’ve made a HUGE mistake.
SONNY: We should get back together.
BRENDA: We can’t get back together.
SONNY: Come on!
SONNY: Pretty please? With a cherry on top?
BRENDA: Damn. Three times. Guess I have no choice.
JASON: Hey, maybe Jerry Jacks is the Balkan.
SAM: Well, that’s completely implausible.
JASON: I know. That’s what makes it so likely.
SAM: Makes sense to me!
LISA: So, this “internet” thing… you can post videos on it? This is fantastic! Why am I only hearing about this now?
VIEWERS: Maybe because you’ve been living in a cave, watching NASCAR and writing “Mrs. Patrick Drake” over and over for the last fifteen years?
LISA: If I post a video in which my face is clearly visible but don’t name any names, then it’s anonymous!
VIEWERS: Actually, that’s kind of the opposite of “anonymous”…
LISA: Full. Proof. Plan!
THEO: It’s time for more hospital shenanigans with a wacky old patient who’s here to teach you all a valuable lesson about life and love.
HOSPITAL STAFF: Ugh. Really?
VIEWERS: Ugh. REALLY?
THEO: No, not really. For I am… the Balkan! DUN!
VIEWERS: *sighs* Well, at least it’s not effing Jerry Jax.
JERRY: Hello, all! I’m back, and apparently completely obsessed with killing Brenda. She hurt my brother, and anyone who hurts my brother must die. Except me, of course.
SIOBHAN: And I am not just an interminable busybody, but… in the employ of the Balkan! DUN! Er, try not to think about how none of that makes sense with scenes you saw of me tied up by his goons.
LUCKY: I have the worst luck with women ever.
JAX: Well, Jerry showed up for some random malevolence and cruelty to the people he claims to love. Again. And he’s been presumed dead. Again. With no body. Twice in the space of one week. *yawns* Guess I should schedule another family reunion for the next sweeps month?
WRITERS: You know what we haven’t had in a while?
VIEWERS: Decent writing? Respect for veterans? A day without Brenda?
WRITERS: No, sillies — another murder trial! With Brenda!
JOHNNY: Hey, remember when I killed that random thug for no apparent reason and Jason shot me by accident in return? No? Well, neither do the writers or any of the other characters. But I’ve still got this gun shot wound that needs tending!
LISA: Aren’t you the head of a successful crime family? Call your regular mob doctor.
JOHNNY: Now, why would I want to do that when it’s so much more fun sleazily blackmailing you?
VIEWERS: They broke up the hotness with Olivia for this?
LUKE: Let’s get married again. For real.
TRACY: Okay, sign a pre-nup.
LUKE: Come on, baby. Can’t you just trust I love you for more than your money?
TRACY: Are you on crack?
CARLY: I don’t mean to be alarmist, but Brenda and Dante are literally the worst people on the entire planet. They are worse than cannibals. Worse than baby murderers. Worse than Nazis.
SONNY: Yeah, Brenda and I are engaged, and Dante’s going to be the best man at the wedding.
CARLY’S HEAD: *explodes*
WRITERS: Let’s see, we’ve had car crashes, plane crashes, and even a train crash. What are we missing?
STEVE: Hey, everyone, time for that bus trip to the mountains that you’ve all been so excited about since yesterday!
GUZA: … I’ve just had a brilliant idea.