On the charms of jailbait, and other shameful thoughts I’ve been having.

So, I have an embarrassing confession to make: I kind of love Ethan and Kristina together.

I know, I know… She’s a teenager and he’s notoriously follicly challenged. Also, there was that whole time where she was a brat and he roughed her up a little, and it was all really gross, and then she nearly allowed her father to kill him for a crime her loser boyfriend committed.

But! Way back before all that, I thought their burgeoning friendship was adorable, and I secretly longed for this to be a better show — the kind of show that would not only still be on in five years (doubtful!) but would also use those five years to build a super slow burn romance where nothing actually happens until the girl doesn’t look like she’s twelve any more, and then one day the bad boy she’s had a crush on forever looks at her and realizes she’s his best friend and also quite grown up, and kisses and adventures and fat babies ensue.

Shut up, I know I’m delusional.

And now I’m having those thoughts again, because out of the blue, Kristina and Ethan are hanging out and being sweet instead of sketchy, and when she told him she was going to marry him one day and he laughed and laughed but not at all in a mean way, my heart did a little dance of shame.

DON’T JUDGE ME. I HAVE NEEDS.

Speaking of adorable friendships that make my heart happy, Alexis and Jax drinking and laughing and generally being so perfect with each other that I want to shake them and scream “get married again, dummies!” always makes my day.

Also: damn, Nancy Lee Grahn:

Maurice Bernard yelling about her “puppies” (and don’t even try to tell me that line or her reaction was scripted, because I will not believe you) may have been the most delightful moment of an almost completely delightful wedding.

Everyone happy and having a good time, the cast clearly reveling in the chance to hang out together, Sonny continuing his streak of non-douchitude

DELIGHTFUL!

I say “almost” because a wedding isn’t really a wedding in Port Charles without some sort of derivative carnage. And one crappy Clink/Boom rip-off this year clearly wasn’t enough. Clearly.

But as lazy and uninspired as the car bomb story is, at least it hasn’t been boring — mostly because the cast has been acting their hearts out. Edward, Luke and Tracy? Killing me, seriously. Robin’s angst over pushing Sonny and Brenda together? Totally deserved but still engrossing. Sonny’s grief? Actually moving. The kids and Ethan, Jax’s totally awesome meltdown, Dante and Lulu being supportive and honest again… it’s almost enough to make me forget how annoyed I am by the villains of this piece.

(James Franco’s self-congratulatory “aren’t I clever?” schtick is already grating on my nerves and he’s only been back for five minutes. I do love that even Jason seems more bored by him than anything this time around.)

And then there’s Suzanne and the Balkan, two of the most inept super criminals I’ve ever seen:

SUZANNE: I was the one who had to walk away from my life. From everything familiar, everything I created, to–to befriend the beautiful Brenda. That was me, choking back my anger while I played the loyal confidant. Me! Drawing her out about Alexander. Without giving myself away you think that was fun? You think it was fun globe trotting around the world with my great friend Brenda? Every time she opened her mouth, I wanted to strangle her! But no, I played my part for our greater purpose. For years! Years!

So… let me get this straight. Their adult son disappears and almost immediately, the Balkan and Adrienne Barbeau suspect that not only has he not just wandered off — as he was apparently prone to do — but his girlfriend had something to do with it. And even though the Balkan’s an international crime lord with almost unlimited power, they decide that the best course of action would be for his wife to go deep under cover and spend the next three years of her life pretending to run a successful charity in the hopes that one day Brenda would just… confess to murder? Out of the blue?

Clearly, they weren’t in any sort of a hurry, because it took Alexander’s body washing up in the swamp three years later for the Balkan to decide “hey, maybe we should just kidnap and torture the information out of her!” (Only instead of using his wife’s position as a trusted insider to facilitate said kidnapping and torture, they instead decide to have her call in a rival mobster to act as Brenda’s personal protector and whisk her away to her hometown, where she’s under 24/7 supervision.)

Makes sense to me!

I would say this is the stupidest retcon this show has ever done, but it’s really hard to top such memorable past entries as  “Paige Bowen was a black market baby dealer!” or “AJ tried to have Jason killed after the accident!” or “Elizabeth has never known sexual pleasure before Nikolas!” or “Mr. Craig is really Jerry Jacks!” or “Luke and Holly had a secret love child!” or… well, you get the idea. There’s a lot of competition for the category of Most Ludicrously Nonsensical Revisionist Bullshit.

Poor Adrienne Barbeau had no idea what she was getting herself into with this crapfest, did she?

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10 thoughts on “On the charms of jailbait, and other shameful thoughts I’ve been having.

  1. OMGoodness!!!! This whole scenario with Mr. and Mrs. Balkan is so convoluted and farfectched it makes my head hurt trying to make sense out of it. I swear you had to have been in my bedroom listening to me scream at the t.v. in order to write this blog because everything that you said is what I said and screamed!!! Really Guza, really?!?!?

  2. I love Ethan and Kristina, too. I’m sure Guza will screw it up, again. Because you know, that’s what he does. LOL!! But until then, I’ll enjoy the adorableness.

  3. not to mention clearly the only way the Balkan could get information/stop the wedding was to not conspire with his wife who had unlimited access to the bride…but Siobhan…the queen of random characters, who’s sister he kidnapped so she had to do this and who had absolutely no connection to the bride or groom so clearly she was going to be given all access to do this job and….I’M LOST!

  4. “Elizabeth has never known sexual pleasure before Nikolas!” or “Mr. Craig is really Jerry Jacks!” or “Luke and Holly had a secret love child!” or… well, you get the idea. There’s a lot of competition for the category of Most Ludicrously Nonsensical Revisionist Bullshit.

    Seriously, I think your my other half, and I too love Ethan and Kristina, I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself.

  5. Count me in on the Ethan and Kristina love train. I think they are so cute together. They could even be the Luke and Laura of the New Millennium (minus the rape, thank you very much). Luke’s son and Sonny’s daughter? I can totally see it…if there was another set of writers.

  6. Tennillypo – please tell me you are going to write about the horrible decision of the show with this killing off Jake story :( this is such a disappointing and poor writing move for GH.

    • To be honest, I’ve been kind of hoping it wouldn’t actually happen, but since they’ve started airing their usual barrage of totally spoilerific promos, I guess it’s really on. Ugh.

      • I was hoping it wouldn’t happen either. I’m shocked actually. from a writing standpoint, silly to kill off the son of Jason and Elizabeth. such storyline potential for the future that is being eliminated.

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