And so it came to pass that after many, many, many months of pointless schemes and increasingly puzzling hair choices, the writers became bored with the Saga of Lisa.
Thus the Scorpios did conveniently manage to pull their heads out of their collective asses in time to catch her in the act, and thus was she hauled off in chains, where even Johnny of the Uncomfortable Sister Issues did forsake her.
And it was — if not good — at least something slightly different. (Which is fairly low praise when you come to think of it, but hey, this show has successfully lowered my expectations to the point where “not the same exact thing that happened yesterday” is about the best you can hope for.)
As gratifying as it was to see the end of this fatal attraction slog finally draw near (anyone want to take bets on whether we’ll ever see Terrell again?), I was pretty distracted through almost all of the Scrubs scenes by Jason Thompson’s panting — seriously, what was up with that? Were they making him run laps in between takes?
Also, on the subject of Johnny… Dear writers:
Kristina “let” herself get beaten up? She let herself? Really?
I get that you’re trying to make me like Johnny again, what with his smoldering with Olivia and finally coming out of his ‘Lisa’s awesome and totes not effing insane!’ denial… but I gotta tell you? This isn’t helping me not want to kick him in the balls.
But not to worry! The rest of Port Charles is still busy having the same three conversations on endless repeat.
(It’s been really subtle, so you might have missed this, but Jax thinks Josslyn isn’t safe with Carly. I know! They’re playing that one really close to the vest! Also: Michael would like to join the mob, water is wet, and fire is hot.)
Meanwhile, recent events have hilariously caused Brenda to rethink her life choices:
SONNY: Michael, Morgan and Kristina, when they were younger, they were kidnapped. I never felt so helpless and frightened in my life. But they were found. Your son’s goin–
BRENDA: Wait a minute. I’m sorry. Are you trying to make me feel better right now by telling me a story about how all of your children have been kidnapped before? [More incredulously] ALL OF YOUR CHILDREN HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED BEFORE?
SONNY: …It doesn’t help to panic, is what I’m saying.
BRENDA: This is what I get for ignoring all of the warning signs. This is amazing. I mean, what did I really think was going to happen, you know? That we were going to life happily ever after? In the mob?
I feel you, Bren. It is kind of amazing that after spending the last decade pretty much devoted to the traumas of All Sonny’s Children, we are currently involved in not one, not two, but three separate stories about couples debating whether or not raising kids in the mob is a good idea.
(If you’re wondering how this could even be a question, then clearly you have never watched this show before and should consider yourself lucky.)
CARLY: You think I’m a bad mom?
JASON: Where is this coming from?
CARLY: Jax just said it takes one incident. I know that; look what happened to Michael. Maybe I’m taking too many chances with Josslyn. Maybe she should be with Jax.
JASON: No. No! She would not be better off with him. Don’t start doubting yourself!
Yes, GOD FORBID either Carly, Jason or Sonny ever experience one single second of self-doubt before another of the member of the triumvirate steps in to assure them they are, in fact, the most awesome human being on the face of the planet.
CARLY: I don’t want to fight Jax. He’s a good man, he loves her…
JASON: I know, but he needs to let go of this idea that he can keep Josslyn safe from everything. Life doesn’t work that way.
Um, Jason? Pretty sure Jax doesn’t think he can protect Joss from everything. Just, you know… from you. (Not that Jason’s really working the old logic cylinders too hard when it comes to child-rearing decisions these days.)
It’s times like this that make me wonder… how long until the post-Guza material starts airing? I feel like we should have a countdown clock or something.