In the words of Granny Weatherwax: I ATE’NT DEAD.

But I have been couch-hopping all month. And subjecting my friends to the special hell that is this show seemed a poor way to thank them for their hospitality. Now I’m staying with family and family isn’t so lucky.

(Diving off the wagon into three straight weeks of General Hospital in one afternoon is a bit like that scene from Scarface where All Pacino is sticking his nose in a mountain of cocaine. Except without the merciful death afterward.)

Thoughts in no particular order:

* Lisa’s gone! Until the next sweeps when she wakes up from her coma, at least. I guess that’s something. Brianna Brown, bless her scenery chewing little heart, worked the CRAZY EYES to the hilt up to the last. I will miss her, even if I won’t miss this mess of a story.

* Also: why on earth would any hospital ever have a lock down system that would ensure patients couldn’t receive care? And that apparently only one person had the code (a laughably insecure code at that) to undo? And what are those seemingly glass hospital doors made of that they would need explosives to break them down rather than, oh, I don’t know… A ROCK?

* And Jason’s now contract killing for the PCPD? Like, officially? OH, OF COURSE HE IS. (I think what I resented most of all about those scenes was that they put me in the uncomfortable position of having to be on Ronnie’s side of an argument. Ronnie! A character so one-note and charmless that the mere sight of him normally has my finger twitching to the fast forward button! At least Taggert was hot, you know?)

* Speaking of one-note and charmless characters, I cannot bring myself to watch a single Spinelli scene. HOW? How did they manage to give him a new personality that is even more grating than his normal one? The writing on the wall for poor, underused Matt/Maxie makes me sad.

* About the only nice thing I can say about this whole Aiden reveal is that it happened a lot sooner and less unpleasantly than I expected.  Also, it briefly made both Lucky and Elizabeth smile again, and they are both too pretty for that to not be a good thing:

* Lucky was a bit more forgiving of Siobhan’s lie of omission than I would have been. But on the other hand, he did just inadvertently nearly kill her. And I suppose if he was letting Liz off the hook, it would have been weird to hold the same secret against Siobhan. (Although if Liz’s justifications were ludicrous, she at least had the excuse of grief clouding her judgment. What the hell was Siobhan’s reasoning?) Whatever, I’m just glad to be skipping the betrayal portion of the proceedings.

* And… enter Nikolas, stage ASSHOLE. Just when I was beginning to get over my disgust with how gross he’s been the last few years, too. Pity. I’ll say this for Tyler Christopher, his nasty, simmering rage during yesterday’s confrontation was a change from his usual obvious boredom. I really hope we aren’t headed toward an ugly exit for Nikolas. Or yet ANOTHER custody battle.

* Come to think of it, there would be a certain justice to Jax stealing Carly’s baby for the kid’s own good, since she first got together with him while kidnapping Nikolas’ other child for his own good. Jax may have married Carly knowing that Sonny was a part of her life, but she married him knowing he was a self-righteous baby-napper. Not that anyone — much less Nikolas himself — seems to remember than anymore.

* I like Ethan and Kristina in theory. But she’s still way too childish and pushy. And no matter how many times they say she’s almost nineteen, Lexi Ainsworth looks like she’s fourteen. I don’t think they’re playing it as Ethan being into her romantically yet. But he knows what she wants, and the fact that he’s not discouraging her more is kind of sketchy. I would much rather see Kristina swear off men altogether for a while and fall into a friendship with Ethan because she knows he’s not into her and is non-threatening. This active pursuit is the opposite of a slow burn platonic build. DO NOT WANT.

* Then we have Sonny, who is currently married to the eighteen year old he was cheerfully banging when he was in his thirties, all the while jealousy guarding his daughter’s purity like chastity belts never went out of style but allowing his teenage son to move in with his much older girlfriend without a peep of protest. None of this is really out of character or unexpected. (Sonny a sexist hypocrite? Say it ain’t so!) But it’s also not really my idea of entertainment. Aside from the pleasure of watching Nancy Lee Grahn and Maurice Bernard work off each other again in those plane scenes (delightful!), I could pass on this whole story.

* Jason and Sam… were there. Other than my continuing irritation with the notion that Jake’s random death totally justifies deliberately raising children in the mob, I really have nothing to say about these two. They don’t piss me off. But lord, do I ever find them boring.

* You know what does piss me off? The fact that they couldn’t manage to wait until Rebecca Herbst came back to shoot those Jason/Elizabeth scenes last week. Seriously? There was no way to juggle things around so that we didn’t have to watch a stranger get one of the longer interactions those two have had in years? I really would have dug the vibe, too, which was more along the lines of their old friendship than we’ve seen in a while. But it was too distracting to see someone else’s face. Ah, well.