Tracy Quartermaine for President.

It’s unfortunate that Lulu has become so unbearable lately, because I don’t enjoy wanting to smack her every time she’s on screen. It gives me flashbacks to the dark days of smug smuggery when she was Jason’s pet and Carly’s clone and Spinelli’s object of worship.*

(*Hate!)

It’s not that I even think she’s wrong to be slightly traumatized right now. Her dad killed her nephew! Her brother’s a junkie and her boyfriend’s inadvertently enabling him! She was attacked and nearly raped! Her actions indirectly led to a prostitute’s murder! (Just kidding, I don’t think she’s upset about that last one at all. In fact, I’m sure the writers don’t remember it even happened.)

But the outrage is all so out of proportion, self-absorbed, and weirdly targeted on the one person who’s really let her down the least lately. You know, the guy who has put up with her forcing him to spend weeks doing unpaid undercover work in a whorehouse and breaking into heavily fortified Greek islands, not even asking for a thank you in return. So it’s all more than a little obnoxious.

Thankfully, we have the Straight Talk Express, driven by Tracy:

TRACY: I was wrong. I’m officially eating my words. The man has been nothing but steadfast and true to you. He’s very good to you!
LULU: What part of ‘he lied to me’ is not penetrating?
TRACY: Your boyfriend’s violation is that he tried to protect your brother.
LULU: You’re whitewashing this!
TRACY: I have no doubt that Dante suffered from keeping the secret. That he hated it. How much do you think your father suffered for all the secrets he kept from me? How can I put this tactfully, Lulu? Get over yourself.
ME: *slow clap*

(As an aside, Jane Elliot destroyed me during her speech about winding up alone and with nothing . Give that woman an Emmy! And a decent a plot!*)

(*By which I mean not the plot she currently has. Or the one I suspect she’s about to have, in which Luke weasels his way back into her life and she forgives him for being an unreliable asshole and a terrible partner and unrepentant cheating drunk with nary an apology from him for any of the above.)

Dear Garin Wolf:

Please don’t tease me with Johnny and Olivia hotly sharing scenes and hotly not talking about her boring relationship with Steve and hotly coming to each other’s rescue unless you intend to put the world right again and also show them hotly having sex again. My poor, horny heart cannot take the torment otherwise.

p.s. We couldn’t let Sonny be single for more than a month? Really? Silly me, I thought perhaps his redemption might come from self-reflection and the realization that every non-Michael member of his friends and family legitimately loathes him. But clearly, what the man really needs is another magical vajajay to cure his douchebaggery.

Olivia, of course, went straight from smoldering with Johnny to tearing into NuKate for everything from the state of the ozone layer to society’s problematic treatment of female beauty to… Kate’s refreshingly emotionally healthy belief that her own life was more important than babysitting Sonny’s fragile feelings.

First of all,  why did we need a new Kate? Kelly Sullivan seems competent, and I’m happy to see the character getting written for again, but… Megan Ward! So awesome and talented and in possession of such lovely hair! Was there some backstage drama I haven’t heard about that led to her leaving? Inquiring minds want to know!

Second… what the hell brought this on?

OLIVIA: I remember a girl who could look at Sonny and see this damaged, reckless, self-destructive boy and see all the way through that to the person he was inside
KATE: That was an adolescent fantasy — saving the bad boy. I didn’t realize until I lay bleeding on the altar that I can’t save Sonny. It is not worth my life to try.
OLIVIA: Well, congratulations. Katherine Hardwicke Howard won; Connie’s gone. All you’ve got left is an ice cold bitch.

Boy, Kate sure is a bitch for refusing to drop everything and run to comfort — in the wake of his divorce from another woman, no less — the violent and emotionally unstable ex who got her shot at the altar then pretty much ignored her existence for the last several years!

Um, what? Where did that even come from? Liv, I love you and all but please STFU and stop being an insufferable, judgmental, mob-enabling busybody.

(And… the above was written before I watched today’s episode, in which Olivia came back for round two of the same exact conversation for no Earthly reason I can could comprehend other than the writers must hate me. And puppies. And freedom. WHY, WRITERS? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US?)

And now, your One Life to Life moment of zen:

SAM: Dan promised to take me to a Phillies game. Just me! No Jack!
JAMES: Phillies, huh? Well, I know I’m no replacement for your dad, but I’d be happy to take you.
SAM: Just me? No Jack?

I like this adorably large-headed child’s priorities.

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