What is this now — round 8,524 of Corinthos vs. Zacchara? Excuse me while I try to dial back the excitement of wondering how all of it will do absolutely nothing to change the status quo.
Oh, but Sonny’s really on the warpath this time, y’all:
SONNY: Who did this to Dante?
MAX: We still working on it, Mr. C.
SONNY: I don’t care who did it. He’s a dead man.
Yeah, people need to understand that he’s the only one who’s allowed to shoot his son in the chest and get away with it scot-free, damn it!
Thankfully, Sonny still has two stalwart cheerleaders left, and they are both obnoxious assholes. They’ve also both recently demonstrated this really irritating new thing the show seems to like where a character is excessively douchey for no reason, and then almost immediately calls him or herself out on it.
Like: I was all set to write a rant about how it’s taken Kate approximately .8 seconds of being back in Sonny’s orbit to completely embrace the standard “lost little boy,” mob-apologizing bullshit after she went on that insane rant at Carly about how she was punishing Sonny unfairly. You know, for basically murdering Carly’s husband.
(By the way, way to show some loyalty and concern for your dead business partner and friend, there, Kate. I’m sure Jax really appreciates the 1.5 tears you shed for him before promptly turning around and kissing his murderer’s ass.)
But then! She spent the next day ranting to Alexis about how stupid and inappropriate that was. Which, frankly, kind of stole my thunder. (Also: Alexis/Kate 4-EVA! They are two cute when they’re actually talking and smiling goofily at each other and Alexis is grabbing her face in this weirdly affectionate way.)
Then there’s Michael, who spent most of Friday in tears over his own douchitude the day before when he was more concerned with Sonny’s business interests than with saving his brother’s life.
Yeah, you should cry, Michael. Also, you should stop sucking, because crying big crocodile tears about it afterward is only going to work so many times. But at least his semi-contrition makes it possible for me to look at him now without immediately wanting to punch him. Progress!
(I can only assume this turn around was brought about by the realization that he was on the verge of being a worst brother than Jack Manning, who recently made the following face at the news his sister would be arrested for helping their father escape from being wrongfully imprisoned due to lies told by Jack):
(God, that kid is such an epic little turd.)
But back to this mob mess. About the only kind thing I can say about the entire story is that it provides an opportunity for Johnny and Olivia to interact, which, as you know, is a thing that I enjoy. Also: at least Lulu is no longer treating Dante like the devil incarnate, which was not a thing that I enjoyed. At all.
Speaking of which:
LUCKY: I just didn’t think it was best to give her all the details, you know? She’s still pretty fragile.
ELIZABETH: Yeah, I’m sure it’s tricky for you.
LUCKY: Yeah, it can be. You know, Lulu took it pretty hard when she found out that Nikolas and I were managing mom in that way, as she put it. I guess that’s why she had such a huge reaction when she found out Dante lied to her.
Um, okay. First of all: can I call a moratorium for all eternity on that characterization of Laura as fragile? Because Genie Francis hates it. The fans hate it. And it isn’t even remotely accurate. Hell, last time we saw her, girlfriend was kicking ass and taking names with the best of them. Shut it, Lucky’s paternalistic attitude.
But that aside, I guess that kind of makes sense from a character perspective that her sons might mistakenly treat her that way. You know what would have made even more sense? If we had ever had a single hint that any of this was happening in the background during the last few years.
Forget the show’s inexplicable refusal to give Genie Francis the time of day! You don’t actually need Laura in the flesh to show Nik and Lucky discussing how much to tell her about their troubled lives. Or to see one of them having a carefully edited one-way phone conversation with her. Or to even have them off-handedly mentioning how much they miss her during a time of crisis, like, say, when Lucky’s kid was killed by his father and it was a little weird that no one ever even mentioned his mother’s name.
I have no idea what to expect with of all this Laura/Cassadine stuff that’s suddenly popping up, by the way. But it probably says something unflattering about the rest of the show when the most entertaining part of Friday’s episode by far was Ethan wandering around in the dark for approximately eight hours, during which time NOTHING HAPPENED.
Still: Cassadines! Haunted tunnels! Slashed portraits! Secret lurkers! I am in favor of all of these things. In theory. Let’s just enjoy this quiet time before more of the plot is explained and we all become annoyed at how inevitably stupid and history-destroying it is.
And now, your One Life to Live moment of zen:
TODD: You sick, disgusting monster.
IRENE: Is that any way to talk to your mother?
TODD: You are not my mother. You may have given birth to me, but no mother would ever give her child to the likes of Peter Manning. You had me locked up. You had me tortured! I was shocked senseless, I was bled white for eight years.
IRENE: I really wish you would let this go.
I don’t know how to pick just one moment from the last few days of OLTL, because they have all been SO AMAZING. But I have to stop here and give a slow clap of admiration for Barbara Rhoades’ dedication to scenery chewing during Irene’s confrontation with Todd/death scene.
From her deadpan dismissal of his anger over her kidnapping and torturing him for the better part of a decade, to her outright cackling over having blown up his family, to her batshit insane meltdown when he threw the ring on the water… this is a woman who saw the campy story she’d been given and decided to throw herself into it, full throttle. Bless.