Hey, Luke’s back! This is a good thing, because the Corinthos men have really been cornering the market on Supreme Douchitude lately, and they could use some healthy competition. And it looks like Luke is up for the challenge! Let’s take a look at his first entry:
TRACY: Get your hands off me!
LUKE: Hey, hey, hey… I’m just getting started, take it easy. I know that you like these magic fingers. ‘Cause these hands know just where to go, and what to do when they get there.
TRACY: Get out, Luke.
LUKE: Well, that is some way to welcome home your husband, that’s all I got to say about it.
A bold performance, ladies and gentlemen! Technical marks for condescension, insensitivity, and disrespect. And we’ll give him a ten for artistry. That “magic fingers” imagery will be leaving several of the judges with nightmares for days.
To accompany to all this, the tinkly music of wacky hijinks perfectly illustrated the gravitas of the moment when an alcoholic who ran over his grandchild and then abandoned his family to go on a bender made his first face to face appearance with the wife he’s been out cheating on for months. Bravo, production staff.
That same music also sets just the right tone of lighthearted shenanigans when played over scenes of Anthony, a vicious mobster who we’ve recently seen murder an innocent woman in cold blood and shoot a cop in the back, coercing Tracy into sex. Without that music, why, you might be tempted to think that none of this is all that funny! That it might, in fact, be kind of gross and offensive!
But you’d be wrong. The tinkly music of wacky hijinks doesn’t lie, people.
Need more proof? Here’s the face Tracy’s loving husband made upon overhearing that she’s being blackmailed into having sex with a psychotic murderer:
See? The verdict is in: forced sex is hilarious.
You would also be wrong if you thought maybe — just maybe — Luke might actually help end this ludicrous business with Anthony (note to the writers: you can play Anthony like a serious danger or you can play him as harmless comic relief, but you can’t play him as both). But not ten minutes after breezing back into town, he’s accusing Tracy of infidelity — particularly rich from the man recently holed up at a whorehouse — and pouting over not being needed by the family he spat on and cut off for months. Instead of groveling to his wife, he’s managed to get her begging to stay married to him. That takes some impressively tone deaf cajones, guys. The judges are impressed.
So, watch out Corinthos! You may have had a monopoly on douchiness up until now, but this is the free market, baby! There are douches enough to go around!
The silver lining is that as hilarious as the writers apparently find Tracy’s desire for a husband who’s faithful and supportive, they’ve at least acknowledged that Luke’s male children deserve the right to yell at him:
ETHAN: I want to believe you, I really do. But Lucky is going to need more than that. And so is Lulu.
LUKE: I understand.
ETHAN: Do you? Because if you think that you can’t do any more damage, you are very wrong. So unless you are 100% on the level, lease, do not go anywhere near them. They can’t take another disappointment.
LUKE: It warms my heart to see you so protective of your siblings.
ETHAN: Well, someone’s got to look out for them, right?
Okay, honest, snark-free moment here: my heart was also warmed by Ethan sticking up for Lucky and Lulu. In fact, I’ve enjoyed him taking an interest in Lucky’s struggles lately. You know he must really love his brother if he can keep a straight face while looking at this hair:
Granted, it’s entirely probable that Ethan’s personal tolerance for greasy mullets is substantially higher than a normal person’s. Still! I was touched by his protectiveness.
Then there was the big confrontation:
LUCKY: What are you still doing here?
LUKE: I told you, I’m here to make things right.
LUCKY: How do you expect to do that? With everything that’s happened? Seriously, I mean… Dad, I came to you with my heart in my hand, and I asked you to forgive me. With everything that you’ve done, I asked you to forgive me. I said ‘come on home, dad, everything’s going to be okay.’ And what was your response? Huh? You remember what you said or were you too wasted? You said killing Jake was liberating for you! Liberating!
It’s nice to see the writers haven’t forgotten that line. Because it was horrendous. I’m hoping that when Lulu’s turn comes, they’ll also remember how her desperation to find her father resulted in a woman’s death and Lulu nearly being raped and murdered. HAHAHAHA! Just kidding. I know nobody remembers that.
It would also be nice if the writers remembered that Luke wasn’t actually in town when Lucky found out that Aiden is his son, and that maybe the news he has another grandson might be kind of big deal we should see on screen. But I’m not really holding my breath on that one either.
Lastly, amazingly, this happened:
I was going to ask why the MetroCourt has a room with a stripper pole, but then I remembered that the entire hotel is named after Courtney. So this is clearly the Courtney Matthews Quartermaine Morgan Jacks Memorial Stripper Suite that Jax and Carly put in to remember her in the fashion she deserves.
Any other thoughts I have on the matter, particularly involving Lisa LoCicero’s lost dignity and my need for brain bleach… I shall leave up to your imaginations, dear readers.