Oh my GOD, get a grip on your libidos, PC doctors! You’d think this was an overnight cruise and not a three hour tour. I mean, if it was a huge party and a couple of people slipped away for some nookie, that would be one thing. But when there are only six of you, it’s just… obvious and awkward.
(I’ve been trying to imagine a situation where I would be at a tiny gathering of CO-WORKERS and just… slip away for several hours of public nudity and sex in an enclosed space where any one of them might walk by. Also, a situation where I would ever think that skinny dipping in upstate New York in October would be a good idea.
DRAWING A HUGE BLANK ON BOTH, JUST SO YOU KNOW.)
And you know, usually, Matt’s persecution complex and endless, whiny neediness makes me roll my eyes, but when four of the five other people present at a party that’s supposed to be in his honor can’t even manage to make him the center of attention the time it takes to tour Port Charles harbor (much less even stay in the same room with him. Or warn him when a homicidal maniac is wandering around, Patrick) then maybe the kid’s got a point.
Poor Drunk!Matt. That lamp is seriously his only friend.
ANYWAY. Social weirdness and Steve’s singing (let’s just say my fast forward button has been seeing a lot of love this week) aside, there are some parts of this I’m actually enjoying. Well, one part, really. Which is Matt and Elizabeth. They’re kind of cute! I’d feel more torn about the cheating thing if Maxie acted even the littlest bit like she cared about Matt himself instead of about what he might do for her career or about winning a competition with Elizabeth.
(By the way, I’ve been fast forwarding as much of her stuff with Spinelli as possible, but are we actually supposed to find it romantic that he basically kidnapped her like a crazy stalker? FYI, writers: if you want me to believe that Spinelli’s turn as Jackal PI has really matured him in some way, it might help if he didn’t still act like the same tone deaf, passive aggressive, delusional creeper he has always been. JUST SAYING.)
Also, this probably goes without saying, but nothing about the set up for this story has made any sense. Why would Anthony care about Lisa waking up? Why would he be so excited about her taking her revenge on Patrick and Robin? I think we’re supposed to think it’s because Patrick was mean to him a few times at the hospital, but I’ve really got a hard time believing big time mob boss Anthony: 1) doesn’t have slightly bigger fish to fry, and 2) wouldn’t be perfectly capable of teaching a mouthy doctor a lesson without needing to spend a ton of money funding experimental medical treatments to wake up a mentally unstable coma patient to do it for him. Um, isn’t this the entire point of having thugs on your payroll?
This isn’t even getting into the ridiculousness of Lisa’s miracle coma cure — like, it is just that easy, I’m so sure. Or how there’s been absolutely no outcry at the hospital she escaped from. Even if she wasn’t a criminal who a shot up a hospital… she’s a coma patient who’s gone missing! People would be looking for her! Police would be involved!
And don’t even get me started on the logistics of Anthony somehow making his way to the boat and back to shore again with a gaping stomach wound and nobody noticing him coming or leaving. Or of Lisa’s seemingly endless supply of magical knockout drugs. (Where does she keep pulling those needles from? Is her bra a TARDIS now?)
The thing is, none of this ridiculousness would bother me if the dramatic payoff made it worth my while. But Lisa lurked for an entire week doing nothing while absolutely nothing else of interest happened in the meantime other than Steve singing and Matt and Liz slightly smoldering.
(And the really sad part? This level of uselessness and inactivity still puts her ahead of effing Franco, who’s spent the better part of a month menacingly… making bad macaroni art. But I can’t even bring myself to talk about that plot. Mostly because I’m not watching it.)
The fact that after all of that lurking and staring, her big plan amounted trying to inject Patrick with Robin’s HIV-infected blood to is just icing on the offensive stupidity cake. About the only good thing I can say about that is Brianna Brown sure wears that uniform well. What? I’m a sucker for ladies in uniform. Sue me.
I realize this level of bitching makes it seem like I’m really down on this whole cruise story, but the fact that it’s at least a change of scenery and doesn’t involve Sonny, Carly or Jason means I’m honestly enjoying it at least 85% more than anything else that’s happening on the show right now. Take that as you will.
Things I’m also enjoying?
LUKE AND NATASHA!
ALEXIS: Well, how about you’re the only guy that I would conspire to commit murder with?
LUKE: I had forgotten that, yes. The Windemere parapet. Imagine what our lives would have been like–
ALEXIS: Good times!
LUKE: –if Helena had gone off that tower instead of the other one.
I didn’t think I’d be able to enjoy a Luke scene again where he wasn’t getting kicked repeatedly in the nads, but sometimes Nancy Lee Grahn really is magic. It doesn’t hurt that they included a barely veiled dig at the last regime’s er, failure to appreciate everything that Alexis has to offer. Kisses, you two!
And now, your One Life to Live moment of zen:
Truth be told, almost all of One Life to Life has been one big moment of zen for me lately. It’s so hard to choose just one! But Starr and Todd being cute is still the best of anything ever, so I’ll just stick to that.
(If we get to see them actually doing their community service together, it will make me so happy, you have no idea.)