It’s become such a chore to watch this show, you guys. I mean, even when they manage too sneak in a few moments of non-complete misery, it’s still pretty damn bleak.
Oh, look! Robin filming home movies with Patrick and Emma… because she thinks she’s about to die and is planning on skipping town without telling them immediately after Christmas is over. And hey, Sam and Jason are having a quiet holiday together as newlyweds… in their apartment empty of decorations because they’ve both been too busy dealing with her rape and possibly impregnation by a serial killer. Um, Merry Christmas?
And, of course: Dante and Lulu got married! In a nearly empty church! Because even though these are two of the most well-connected characters on the canvas… well:
LULU: I’m just wondering why it has to be tonight. Why can’t it be New Year’s eve or, like Valentine’s Day?
DANTE: Because we’re here, now, in the most amazing city in the world at Christmas time. What is better than that?
Oh, I don’t know… maybe having your family and friends in attendance? Then again, considering how unpleasant most of their friends and family currently are, who can really blame them for deciding to ditch the whole lot of them?
OH, WAIT. I CAN.
I mean, what the hell? This should have been a huge umbrella event! I don’t care how spread out and horrible Maxie, Carly, and the Spencers are right now. I still want them at Lulu’s damn wedding. Would it have killed them to have her at least mention wanting her mother at her side? Or how about her favorite step-monster? (How could Tracy not warrant as much of an invite as Olivia at this point?)
And Lord knows how little use I have for Sonny or Michael right now, but they are Dante’s family. (Not to mention that after spending months being sexiled from the apartment and acting as their unofficial relationship counselor, I think Michael really deserved a place in the wedding. I’d have much rather watched that than Chad Duell snotting over Abby all week.) Then there’s Kate, as Lulu’s former boss and Olivia’s cousin… Hell, Spinelli and Jason ought to have been there for Lulu’s sake, along with Elizabeth and the boys (how cute would Cam have been as a ring bearer?) I just don’t get it. Such a great opportunity for all these people to interact in an organic way! (I mean, if they were looking for a reason to have Kate and Sonny start talking again, running into each other at a family wedding makes more sense than anything we’ve gotten so far.)
But I’m sure there are really good reasons for all these absences. I mean, I can obviously understand how the writers wouldn’t want to waste Jonathan Jackson’s last appearance on something as trivial as his only sister’s wedding to one of his only friends. Not when there are Irish graveyards he could be hanging out in all by himself!
LUCKY: I was so hard on my dad. Every time he would leave, there was a part of me that would want to blame him and judge him and… now I’m doing that to you. See the thing is, Aiden, you don’t leave because it’s easy. You leave because you have to.
Gee, it must be nice to have the luxury of dumping your kids off with their clearly mentally troubled mother (isn’t “faking” a mental breakdown kind of a sign that you’re not really faking it as much as you thought?) to go off on a vision quest to find yourself whenever you feel like it. But I guess it’s okay, because it’s not like he wants to go — and on Christmas Eve, no less. He just has to! There’s a gun to his head and everything. It’s certainly not because this is the easy way for him to avoid having to deal with a difficult situation. Don’t be ridiculous.
Seriously, when did this show become such an apologist for deadbeat fathers? Fuck you, Lucky. You don’t have to date Elizabeth. You don’t even have to forgive her. But you do have to stick around. I don’t care how hard it is. Or how awkward. This is the deal you made when you agreed to be a parent to those boys. So, pull on your big boy underoos and start acting like a goddamn adult again. (God, I really hope Ron Carlivati can fix this mess somehow…)
<a name=”maxie”>Then</a> there’s Maxie, who was clearly put to better use butting her nose into Elizabeth’s business than standing by her best friend’s side on her wedding day:
MAXIE: She used Lucky’s guilt to trap him! […] At least I’m honest! I don’t have to act like a victim to get what I want.
Yes, Maxie! You’re certainly known for your… honesty? What? I think I’ll just let Elizabeth’s always reliable bitchface speak for me here:
I’m sorry, but I cannot listen to Maxie (Maxie!), of all people, railing about the injustice of someone else trying to use lies, guilt and manipulation to “trap” Lucky. Girl, puh-lease. You convinced him to prostitute himself to you in order to feed his drug addiction! Then you faked a pregnancy while he was in rehab to try and keep him from going back to his actually pregnant wife (yes, I know that wasn’t really his baby either — but Maxie didn’t know that at the time).
Also? Elizabeth has still never, ever once in her life done a single thing to Maxie other than not be totally okay with Maxie having an affair with her husband. So this ridiculous hatred Maxie has harbored for her for years always comes across as vindictive, cruel and kind of unhinged. And it really doesn’t help my hate when NuMaxie smugs it up like this on top of her heinous dialog:
Hey, Maxie? Elizabeth may have been a crazy beast lately, but at least she didn’t recently make a deal with a mobster to have a woman murdered to cover a crime she doesn’t even know for sure her boyfriend even committed. (And which probably shouldn’t even be considered a crime at all, given the circumstances — sure am glad the PCPD is spending all their resources on this instead of finding Dante’s shooter, or Siobhan’s killer, or the person responsible for all those drug thefts, or the guy beating up all those strippers! But that’s a rant for another day.)
Meanwhile, Sonny was too busy counseling Jason on his anger management problems to attend his first born’s wedding. (Yes, you read that right. No, I’m not really done laughing about it either.)
And wonder of all wonders, it wasn’t actually a terrible talk? I mean, Sonny legitimately seemed to care about Jason, which is more than I can say for 95% of their interactions in recent memory. But this exchange really cracked me up, and not in a good way:
SONNY: Look, I know you’ve been through a lot, right? But all you gotta do is look at me… [insert patented Maurice Bernard pregnant pause]
ME: … to know that you should avoid following in my footsteps at all costs?
SONNY: … I’m still standing.
Right. That is totally the lesson you should take from Sonny’s life. Effing hell, I hate this show.
But hey, at least we still have One Life to Live, right? Right? (Shut up, if I start thinking about how there’s less than a month left of my soap zen place, I really will start to cry.)
Here, have some of Sam Manning’s WEE FACE reacting to Todd’s Santa in their living room…
… and the twins finding their parents in the clinch…
… and Rex and Gigi — who I swear I could not normally care less about, but who TOTALLY GOT ME on Friday — reunited at last…
Happy holidays, Llanview. You are my favorite soap place, still.