Another year gone! How time flies when… everything is awful, always. Without further ado, we give you…
General Hospital 2011
STEVE: You might not know this, but the only thing I love more than skiing is sing-alongs!
BUS DRIVER: Yeah, I’m just gonna drive over a cliff and put us all out of our misery.
AUDIENCE: Please do.
KRISTINA: It sure is amazing how every single passenger managed to get thrown completely clear of a bus that went over a cliff with only bumps and bruises to show for it!
RANDOM RED SHIRT FRIEND: Um, about that…
KRISTINA: No! Not whatshername!
ELIZABETH: Why, Jason! What a coincidence to run into you out of the blue just when I need someone to watch the not so secret love child I’d almost forgotten we shared!
JASON: Yes, quite a coincidence and not at all a ham-fisted attempt at foreshadowing.
JASON: Nevermind, just give me the kid. We’ve got speed bonding to do.
TERRELL: So, let me get this straight: you want me to quit my job immediately, move across the country, and seduce one of my new co-workers… so that you can steal her husband.
LISA: That about sums it up, yes.
TERRELL: Why would any sane person do that?
LISA: Because then you and I can be together! Obviously. I can’t believe I’m even having to spell this out for you. It makes that much sense.
TERRELL: Works for me!
NIKOLAS: It’s not weird at all that someone of my status and financial means needs to hire an escort to go to parties. And who could be more well-groomed than you, Brook Lynn?
BROOK LYNN: *stuffs food in mouth* Exactly! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a cat fight with your baby momma!
FRONS: We need to cut some dead weight. Who can we spare… Spinelli? No, he’s a merchandising gold mine! Lisa? Fan favorite! Abby? Never cut a stripper, that’s my golden rule. Are there any Quartermaines left alive?
GUZA: Not really…
FRONS: Damn. But nobody likes that Elizabeth chick, right?
TEN THOUSAND ANGRY FAN LETTERS: Um…
FRONS: HAHAHA… just kidding. It needs to be someone with no strong ties to the canvas. We’ll get rid of Nikolas and Jax instead.
CLAIRE WALSH: On a completely unrelated note… so, um, I’m still here, I guess. Just hanging around. Collecting a paycheck.
AUDIENCE: We can see that. But why?
CLAIRE WALSH: No idea.
WRITERS: Search us.
PATRICK: Okay, enough fooling around, Johnny. Surely by now even you can see that Lisa’s a menace!
JOHNNY: She’s a harmless pussycat, just like my sweet, dead sister! And yes, I’m sleeping with her because she reminds me of Claudia. And no, that’s not weird and creepy.
AUDIENCE: What the fuck is wrong with you?
EDWARD: Ethan, I’d like to pay you — the con man who came to town hoping to use my dead grandaughter’s memory to scam my family for money — a million dollars to stay married to the great-grandaughter I barely know. You know, for the good of the family.
ETHAN: Hey, sure. Not like I have anything better to do. Maya?
MAYA: *looks around for her self-respect* I was sure I had some when I came to town…
MOLLY: Surviving that bus crash gave me PTSD!
SHAWN: What a coincidence! Surviving that war gave me PTSD!
MOLLY: Really? I’ve been dealing with it by interviewing all my many mentally unstable family members. How about you?
SHAWN: Oh, the usual: became the henchman for an international crime lord.
MOLLY: I think you’ll find you’ve come to the right town, then.
MICHAEL: I know I’ve been really subtle about hiding it, but… turns out I was raped in prison after all. Surprise!
EVERYONE IN TOWN: WE KNOW.
MICHAEL: Thank goodness for my awesome girlfriend! She was nice enough to get attacked and sexually assaulted as well just so I could feel like a man again!
ABBY: Um, you’re welcome?
DANTE: Look, you’ve only got one kid who actually likes you. Shouldn’t he be your best man?
SONNY: I just don’t understand why you don’t want to do it.
AUDIENCE: Really? Because you sort of shot him point blank in the chest less than a year ago, so…
DANTE: Yeah, you’d think that was it. But it’s actually because of my secret love for Brenda.
AUDIENCE: OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
CARLY: I would never hurt Sonny the way Brenda would! That’s why I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I tell him about her secret love child with his son on his wedding day.
DIANE: If you really want to spare him pain, wouldn’t it be better to tell him in private… you know, before he gets to the altar?
CARLY: Where’s the fun in that?
THE BALKAN: At last I can reveal my secret wife and partner in crime!
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: Yes, it is I, Brenda’s beloved mentor and friend! Bet you didn’t see that coming. Mostly, you know, because it’s ludicrous.
THE BALKAN: Nonsense, my dear! What else could we have done when our son disappeared other than embark on a three year long con implanting you in his ex-girlfriend’s life under the guise of running an international charity organization while I terrorized her from afar?
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: Well, you’re a crime lord. Maybe we could have just kidnapped her and tortured her for the truth three years ago?
THE BALKAN: Clearly, this is why I’m the brains of this operation. Now, go ineffectually sabotage her wedding some more while I plan an unnecessarily complex kidnapping.
BRENDA: Well, it’s been 17 long years, but we’re finally getting married, Sonny! Nothing can stop us now!
CARLY: Um, about that…
BRENDA: Fine! I’ll confess my final TERRIBLE SECRET! Sonny, I know you can never forgive me for the monstrous betrayal of having briefly pretended to have a baby with the son none of us knew you had at the time. I’m unworthy to lick your noble mobster feet. I’ll just go crawl into a hole and die somewhere from the shame of it all.
SONNY: Wow. Okay, this is really weird for me? But I think I need to be the adult in the room. I don’t care about your stupid secret. Let’s do this thing!
AUDIENCE: It’s weird for us too, Sonny.
LULU: Well, I care. We’re through, Dante. Again. Some more.
AUDIENCE: FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
AUDIENCE: Wow, was that wedding… actually entertaining? And no one’s even been shot!
SONNY: Why does this keep happening to my wives?
GUZA: See what I did there? SEE!?
THE BALKAN: And now, at last we meet face to face, Brenda–
BRENDA: We’ve met, actually. You’re my attorney. Remember?
THE BALKAN: Yes, but now we’re in my secret cave lair! And no one will come looking for you, because I put Sam in the car in your place!
BRENDA: But… DNA tests, and how can you even be sure her face wouldn’t be recognizable, and anyway, you seriously couldn’t have come up with an easier way to talk to me than this?
THE BALKAN: Fool. Proof. Plan.
SONNY: Yeah, not so much.
THE BALKAN: Curses! Foiled again!
SHAWN: Sure, I helped The Balkan kidnap Brenda, but only because I thought he wanted to have a nice tea party with her. I would never be involved with actual bad crime!
JASON: That’s the kind of fuzzy moral logic that will serve you well in this organization. More importantly… I really need to outsource Carly babysitting duty so I can make my old lady happy.
SHAWN: Is it okay if I spend months giving her really mixed signals while having the same three conversations over and over again?
JASON: Like I said, you’re going to fit in just fine.
ELIZABETH: Aiden looks so much like Lucky!
NIKOLAS: Well, you know, we are brothers, so that kind of makes sense…
ELIZABETH: LALALALALA–I can’t hear you!
SIOBHAN: I’m about to be deported!
LUCKY: Let’s get married!
LUKE: All love is a sham, Cowboy. Just be miserable and alone like me. It’s easier.
ELIZABETH: Wait, Lucky might be finding happiness with someone else? Damn. Guess I’m interested again…
JOHNNY: All right, ladies. I’ve set up a treasure hunt for you! If Robin wins, she gets the proof that Lisa tried to kill her… um, somehow. Actually I’m not really clear on how the syringe would prove anything after all this time. But anyway, if Lisa wins, she gets out from under my thumb forever. Fun, right?
ROBIN: No, seriously. What the fuck is wrong with you?
LISA: Yeah, even I’m starting to think this is messed up.
CARLY: Josslyn’s sick!
JAX: Really? Because she seemed fine about five minutes ago…
CARLY: Well, now she’s dying, okay? And only the donated organs from some other poor child can save her!
ELIZABETH: Oh no! Jake’s been hit by a car!
GUZA: And see what I did there? Suck it, Claire Labine!
AUDIENCE: You are… the worst.
CARLY: Jason, your son is dying. As your best friend I want to be there for you–
JASON: Thanks, Carly. It’s really nice to be able to lean on you for once…
CARLY: –and ask you for his kidney.
ELIZABETH: Oh, you have GOT to be fucking kidding me.
LUCKY: A freak car accident has left my child in a coma and only one of his vital organs can save my cousin’s daughter. If only I knew anyone who had ever been in this exact same situation before and could give me advice!
BOBBIE: Actually, I–
GUZA: Quiet you. Get back in your closet!
MONICA, LAURA, ETHAN: It’s okay, Bobbie. Apparently, we weren’t invited to this story either.
LUCKY: Well, now that Jake’s died and been buried off screen, let’s not waste any more time on petty details like family bonding or grief. What really matters is who accidentally hit him.
ELIZABETH: Yes, of course. It’s strange that I live out in the middle of nowhere. And yet, for some reason, half the town was using my dark, dangerous road as a short cut that night.
CARLY, SONNY, ROBIN, SAM, LUKE, LISA, BALKAN: You’d think it would be hard to run over a four year old without noticing, but somehow one of us managed it.
GUZA: Let’s see. Who would be more awful? Jason’s girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, best friend, or boss? No, that’s not awful enough. What about Jake’s own grandfather, one of the most iconic characters in this show’s history?
AUDIENCE: Yeah, that’s pretty damn awful.
GUZA: Luke it is!
DIANE: In case all this toddler death was getting too depressing for you, Mister Jackal and I have written a book, which we will now narrate to hilarious effect–
AUDIENCE: SHOOT US. SHOOT US NOW.
LUCKY: Hey, Sam.
SAM: Hey, Lucky. Sorry about your father killing your son and all.
LUCKY: Yeah, about that… itty bitty favor to ask: do you think you could make sure your boyfriend doesn’t murder my father?
SAM: Oh, gee. I’d like to help you out there, but Jason’s in an awful lot of pain right now, and you know how he gets. Sometime he just has to kill people!
LUCKY: Right, right. Well, I only raised his kid for him for four freaking years. So I guess he doesn’t really owe me anything. Thanks, anyway.
SAM: I knew you’d understand!
ELIZABETH: This latest DNA test finally proves that Lucky is Aiden’s real father. Third time’s the charm! But I can’t tell him because then he wouldn’t be able to marry Siobhan.
MAXIE: Crazy says what?
ELIZABETH: People can’t be married to one person and have kids with another! That’s just madness!
MAXIE: But don’t you already have a kid together?
ELIZABETH: Look, I think we all know that I’m physically incapable of telling the truth about any of my children’s paternity until enough time has passed that I really look awful when it finally comes out. So let’s just wait this out and let nature take its course.
SAM: Jason’s so sad about Jake! I wish there was something I could do for him.
CARLY: Rebound baby!
SAM: Um, what?
CARLY: You need to get pregnant. Like, ASAP.
SAM: There are so many reasons that would be inappropriate, I don’t even know where to start.
CARLY: Come on! Is it because your babymaker’s broken? Easy! I’ll just carry Jason’s baby for you. It wouldn’t be a problem at all. Really. REALLY. I’ve been dreaming about this for the last fifteen year– Um. I mean, it would be an honor to help a friend.
SAM: But what about the danger of our lifestyle?
CARLY: Don’t be silly! Jake’s death proves once and for all that raising kids in the mob isn’t dangerous. That’s science fact.
SAM: Well, you’re right about that.
AUDIENCE: FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
KRISTINA: If I don’t get into Yale, my life is RUINED FOREVER.
LISA: Hey, little girl. Want some drugs? How about some candy? I have some puppies in the back of my van, too!
KRISTINA: Ooh, puppies!
LISA: Excellent! Step five hundred and twenty-eight of my master plan to destroy Patrick and Robin has fallen into place!
LISA: Nothing. Take your drugs. I’ll just be over in the corner, sniffing Patrick’s dirty underwear.
THE BALKAN: You’ve betrayed me for the last time, woman!
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: Damn. Hasn’t anyone killed you yet? Never send a mob hit man to do Adrienne Barbeau’s job. *slits his throat like a champ*
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: But my evil plans for Brenda have only just begun!
AUDIENCE: Oh, goddamnit.
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: Brenda, I know that I spent the last three years pretending to be your friend while plotting with my evil husband to destroy you, but you should totally just take my word for it when I tell you this child is the baby you miscarried. Let’s be besties again!
BRENDA: Makes sense to me. We have the same hair color, what more proof do you need? DNA tests are for losers.
SONNY: Once again, I find myself having to be the adult in the room, and once again, it’s really uncomfortable.
BROOK LYNN: Well, it’s been fun? I guess? But now I have to leave.
NIKOLAS: Sure. Fine. Whatever.
BROOK LYNN: You could at least pretend to care.
NIKOLAS: I don’t see why I should have to when the writers never did.
BROOK LYNN: Fair point.
FRONS: Guza’s out! And after only ten years of running the show into the ground! Never say I’m unresponsive to the wishes of the fans.
AUDIENCE: This is the best news since… ever. It can only go up from here, right?
GARIN WOLF: Um, about that…
GUZA: See ya, suckers!
JAX: So, I guess we’re broken up for real this time?
CARLY: Well, you helped your ex by assisting in a law enforcement investigation for a few days. If that’s not a divorceable offense, I don’t know what is.
JAX: I forgave you for sleeping with your ex!
CARLY: And I told you that was a do-over and didn’t count! Jeez!
JAX: You know what? Fuck this shit. I want full custody.
SONNY: Listen, I really think you should get a DNA test for that kid.
BRENDA: FINE. God. You’re like a broken record. Hey, speaking of Lucian, has anyone seen him?
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: Didn’t do it.
LISA: MWAHAHAHA! My latest dastardly plan to frame Patrick for Robin’s murder is nearly complete!
ROBIN & MAC: You’re busted, crazy!
JOHNNY: Guys, I’m starting to suspect that there’s something not quite right about Lisa…
ANTHONY: We resident homicidal lunatics have to stick together. Wanna create some mayhem?
LISA: I guess that makes as much sense as anything at this point.
SONNY: Honey, we found your son!
BRENDA: That’s not my son.
SONNY: Yeah, about that… funny story. Turns out this is your real kid. And that was just some decoy Suzanne brought to torment you some more. Don’t think about it too hard.
CARLY: And the best part is I helped!
BRENDA: OH HELL NO.
STEVE: Lisa’s escaped from police custody and taken the hospital hostage! Time to implement our awesome new security system that makes it impossible for help to arrive or patients to receive proper care!
LISA: Hey, thanks, Steve. Now we’re locked in nice and cozy so you can all spend hours listening to my crazy grievances!
STEVE: I am awesome at my job.
MAC: No! These glass hospital doors are impossible to open.
RONNIE: What about… a rock?
MAC: There’s no other choice! We have to call in the PCPD’s secret weapon.
JASON: Here I am to save the day! Jason Morgan’s on his way!
RONNIE: I really hate this town sometimes.
LISA: –and then in the fifth grade, my teacher gave me an F on my Fatal Attraction book report, just because it was a movie and not a book! Which was totally unfair–
MAXIE: Oh my GOD, do you ever stop talking? I’d rather be shot than listen to this…
LISA: I thought you’d never ask!
SPINELLI: The Jackal shall never let any harm come to his Maxinista! Okay, ow.
ROBIN: We’ve finally seen the last of Lisa! That coma should hold her forever!
PATRICK: Eh, I give it until next sweeps.
LUCKY: Dad, everyone who loves you — except, weirdly, your beloved sister, who I guess I just forgot to call!? — has gathered here today… to give Tony Gear his Emmy reel. Um. I mean, talk about your alcohol problem. Yeah, that’s it.
LUKE: Well, I’ve killed my grandson, hurt and alienated my entire family, become abusive toward my daughter, and abandoned my wife. I think I’ve hit rock bottom. To rehab!
ENTIRE FAMILY: Really?
LUKE: No, not really. See you later, suckers! I’m off to fuck some whores.
LUCKY: Screw it. I’m just going to burn the house down. Definitely not going to check if it’s empty first, though. That would be stupid.
JAX: Look, Carly, we’ve been locked in this custody battle for months now. All I want is for Josslyn to live with me and not have any contact with the local crime element. You could see her any time you wanted!
CARLY: I will fight to the death to keep my infant daughter’s access to the mob!
JAX: Will you please just acknowledge that some bad things have happened to your kids because of Sonny and Jason?
CARLY: I admit nothing!
ELIZABETH: Gee, Lucky’s pretty depressed about nearly burning his wife to death. *checks calendar* Okay, looks about just enough time has passed for my latest baby secret to come out.
LUCKY: And for once, nobody’s being really unpleasant about it!
NIKOLAS: Speak for yourself, brother.
ETHAN: Maya’s sure been on her mysterious out of town trip for a long time now.
MAYA: Sorry, Ethan. I got a better offer from primetime– Um. I mean, this guy. That I just met. And am totally in love with..
KRISTINA: That’s awful, Ethan. Can I comfort you? With my underage boobs?
ETHAN: No, Kristina! I don’t understand why you keep throwing yourself at me after I told you I wasn’t interested! Hey, want to come for a romantic weekend trip to a tropical island with me while I get a divorce? Just as friend, of course!
SONNY: A thirty year old man on a tropical island with a teenage girl? What kind of monster would do that?
BRENDA: But babe, when you and I met, you were older than he is, and I was barely out of high school–
SONNY: Quiet, honey. This is family business.
MAXIE: Spinelli’s woken up from his surgery!
SPINELLI: Dame, I don’t know any Spinelli. This is Jackal, PI: International Man of Mystery speaking, see?
AUDIENCE: WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?
MICHAEL: I’ve graduated from high school. Finally. And now I’m ready to join the mob!
SONNY: Over my dead body.
EDWARD: What about ELQ?
SONNY: Corporate America? Well, that’s obviously much worse.
MATT: Robin is the worst Chief of Staff this hospital has ever had!
ROBIN: Are you kidding me? There were two shootings, a toxic ball leak, a bus crash, and a lost baby under Steve’s watch. AND he slept with an employee AND she went insane and tried to kill us all.
MATT: Yes, but he never made us color code our schedules!
PATRICK: He’s right, honey. Maybe you could try to be more of a bro? You know, sexually harass a co-worker or something?
ROBIN: You all suck, did you know that?
TYLER CHRISTOPHER: Well, it’s my last scene and I’d kind of like it not to suck.
JONATHAN JACKSON: Write it ourselves?
TYLER CHRISTOPHER: Yeah.
CARLY: Sonny, you have to help me with this Jax problem. It turns out that on paper, I actually look like a really horrible mother. Can you believe it?
SONNY: What? That’s crazy! You’re at least as good a parent as I am! So should I kill him quickly or drag it out real slow?
CARLY: No! No killing! He’s still Josslyn’s father. Just, you know… ruin his life a little. In a loving way!
BRENDA: Sonny, I know that when we got back together, you’d already told me how you had shot one of your kids and nearly blown another one up, and kind of put another on in a coma before signing him up for some prison rape–
SONNY: What’s your point?
BRENDA: This Jax business is starting to make me suspect that you may not be the best father material after all. I’m leaving you.
JAX: Want a ride?
LULU: Will daddy love me if I buy a casino for us to run together?
LULU: What about if I start working in his favorite whorehouse?
DANTE: Not really sure that’s a great idea–
LULU: What if I drop myself into the clutches of his worst, totally psychopathic enemy?
NIKOLAS: Effing hell, woman! Will you just go to an Al-Anon meeting or talk to a therapist or something like a normal person?
TRACY: Monica! You’re alive!
MONICA: Of course I’m alive. Why wouldn’t I be?
TRACY: Well, it’s just… no one’s seen you for such a long time.
MONICA: Five year long medical conference. Look it up. It’s a thing. But now I’m back and ready to be involved in my family’s lives!
TRACY: I’m just surprised you didn’t come back for Jake’s funeral.
TRACY: Oh, crap.
MAC: I don’t know if it’s such a great idea for you to work this prescription drug theft case, Lucky. You know, given you’re a total drug addict.
LUCKY: But I really want to!
MAC: You make a compelling argument. You got back up?
LUCKY: Just my mentally unstable ex-wife, who’s looking for an escape from her overpowering grief for our recently dead son.
MAC: I was going to suggest Dante, but that sounds like a much better plan. Carry on, then.
SKYE: I’m back! And I’ve managed to somehow lose Alcazar’s entire fortune. Oopsie?
ANTHONY: This is your lucky day! I’m loaded, and I need some blackmail material so I can force your adopted aunt to sleep with me!
TRACY: Well, that’s random.
AUDIENCE: And gross. Don’t forget gross.
SONNY: Losing Brenda is all Jax’s fault! If he hadn’t given her that ride out of town, she’d never have been able to leave! MUST. KILL.
JAX: So, would this be a bad time for me to sneak back into town and kidnap my daughter?
ROBIN: Kind of, yeah. And Sonny, maybe you could stop waiving a gun around my freaking living room?
SONNY: I KILL YOU, JAX! YOU STEAL BRENDA FROM SONNY! Um, I mean, it’s for Josslyn. Totally for Josslyn!
SONNY: That was for Josslyn, you wife stealing son of a bitch!
SHAWN: This is getting stupid.
SIOBHAN: All right, Elizabeth. I know we’ve always been cordial before, but now I suddenly understand that you are the most evil person in the universe.
ELIZABETH: Excuse me?
SIOBHAN: You’re trying to kill me so you can steal my husband! And then you’re going to kill yourself so you can haunt him forever!
SIOBHAN: And don’t bother with your “oh, I’m so sad about my dead son” act — that’s the oldest trick in the book!
ELIZABETH: Did you hit your head in that fire or something?
SIOBHAN: Possibly? I mean the writers never really bothered to clarify, but this is really out of character, right?
ELIZABETH: It is, but we’re still going to cat fight now at the top of some stairs, aren’t we?
SIOBHAN: Oh, yeah. Big time.
WRITERS: You know what this show needs to be great again?
AUDIENCE: Likable characters, stories that honor history, good use of talented actors and actresses, organic story lines–
IDIOTS IN CHARGE: No, stupid! Another car crash story!
AUDIENCE: *slowly beats head against wall*
REAL ELIZABETH: I believe in you, Lucky! And, um, I might have put your wife back in a coma. Bygones?
LUCKY: Whoah, man. I am tripping balls right now.
HALUCINATION ELIZABETH: Is that why I’m wearing curtains?
LUCKY: Probably? Sorry. Also, have you ever really looked at your own hand before? Because I am telling you, it is blowing my mind.
REAL ELIZABETH: Okay, I think that’s about enough of that.
MONICA: Oh my god, Jason needs brain surgery! Maybe he’ll get his old personality back and become a coke addict?
ELIZABETH: Oh my god, Jason needs brain surgery! Maybe if he and I were completely different people, we still would never have been happy together because this show takes every opportunity to give a special “fuck you” to Liason fans!
CARLY: Oh my god, Jason needs brain surgery! Maybe he’ll be my fuck buddy again and uh, Michael will hate us… er, what? Why am I even part of this fantasy storyline again?
SAM: Oh my god, Jason needs brain surgery! What if he goes back to being doctor Jason and isn’t the morally bankrupt killer for hire I know and love?
EVERYONE IN PORT CHARLES: OH MY GOD, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?
WRITERS: Psyche! Nothing is going to happen. Haven’t you watched this show before?
ANTHONY: So you figured out I’m the local drug kingpin, huh? Good thing I’m wearing my menacing evil hat today instead of my wacky comic relief hat.
SIOBHAN: I’m not going to like this hat, am I?
ELIZABETH: Everyone thinks I killed Siobhan and it’s totally unfair! Just because I accidentally botched her surgery, and then accidentally pushed her down the stairs, and then accidentally crashed the car while driving her to the hospital, and then was the last person to see her alive… crap. That does sound kind of bad, doesn’t it?
MATT: A little bit. Yeah.
WRITERS: Don’t worry. Soon we’re going to drop this plot completely and never mention it again.
WRITERS: Don’t thank us yet. You haven’t seen the story you’re getting instead.
DOCTOR ABS: *waves*
ETHAN: Hey, Lucky. What are you doing?
LUCKY: Just staring at the pills underneath my couch. It’s a lot of fun — you should give it a try.
ETHAN: Thanks, but I haven’t got the time. My schedule’s full of staring at this portrait of your mom. She’s a great listener.
SIOBHAN’S GHOST: Dear Lucky, just in case I’m randomly murdered at some point in the future, I’m writing this letter to tell you my one final wish is for you to leave your kids and run away to Ireland again because… I said so?
ELIZABETH: See! Siobhan wants to keep you from me even in death!
ETHAN: Was Siobhan’s crazy contagious or something?
MAXIE: Good news! I found your engagement ring, Sam! … and then I lost it again. And then found it again! … and lost it again. And–
SAM: Jason, does it seem a little odd to you that we’re putting up with this bullshit?
JASON: A little, yeah. But then, we don’t really like much as a couple other than riding motorcycles, having shoot outs, and eating Chinese food. Hey, maybe we could get married while riding the bikes through a shooting range!
SAM: Um, let’s work with the Chinese food thing instead.
ANTHONY: Wacky comic relief hat back on! But I’m getting kind of bored with hilariously trying to coerce Tracy into having sex with me.
AUDIENCE: THANK GOD.
ANTHONY: I think I’ll spend a lot of time, money, and effort waking up Lisa Niles instead.
AUDIENCE: FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
LISA: Thanks for waking me up! Here’s a rusty nail in the gut for your troubles! And onto Johnny. You were so nice and helpful so I’ll only paralyze you!
MATT: I’ve been published! In an actual journal! Which is obviously the medical equivalent of winning the Nobel peace prize and not at all a routine part of most researchers’ job descriptions. But woe is me, no one will care because everyone only ever cares about Patrick!
PATRICK: Hey, congrats, man.
MATT: God, do you ever stop talking about how awesome you are?
PATRICK: Uh, I’m not. I’m trying to tell you–
MATT: That you think you’re better than me? Yeah, I know! You never stop telling me!
ROBIN: Matt, we are all super proud of–
MATT: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms…
PATRICK: Will you shut the hell up if we throw you a party?
SAM: That Chinese food wedding worked out surprisingly well! And no one was even gunned down at the ceremony!
DANTE: *wheezes* Speak for yourself…
SAM: And our perfect honeymoon in Hawaii has been going on for at least a month with absolutely no lurking menace threatening to ruin our happiness!
CARLY: Guess what? Franco’s baaack! So naturally, I packed my infant daughter to came to crash your honeymoon. That’ll teach you not to answer my phone calls.
SAM: FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
FRANCO: You thought my previous guest spots were awful? Check this out!
OLIVIA: What a great party!
STEVE: Yeah, we’re really proud of Matt.
OLIVIA: Who? Nevermind. Wanna ditch these losers and go get it on in the balmy November New York waters?
STEVE: Did you even have to ask?
PATRICK: Okay, we stroked the baby man’s ego. Let’s go get some nookie!
ROBIN: Sounds good!
MATT to the LAMP: You’re still my friend, right?
LAMP: Don’t count on it.
ELIZABETH: Hey, Lisa! Fancy meeting you here– *splash* Fuck.
ROBIN: Lisa again?
AUDIENCE: We are right there with you.
LISA: Shut up, Robin. I’m going to use the 20th syringe from my magic bag o’ syringes to inject Patrick with your HIV blood! Fool proof plan!
ROBIN: OH HELL NO.
PADILLA: We must find out who committed this awful crime! JUSTICE FOR LISA!
AUDIENCE: You have got to be kidding me.
SIOBHAN’S UNAVENGED GHOST: I know, right?
LUCKY: Well, I’ve been sleeping in this Irish graveyard for a month now and nothing’s happened but some creepy music playing in the background. SPEAK TO ME, MAGICAL STONES! What message from beyond the grave did I have to come all this way to hear?
STONES: GO HOME TO YOUR CHILDREN, DEADBEAT!
LUCKY: Such wisdom! Thank you, stones!
AUDIENCE: Did that… really just happen?
LULU: I love Dante, but I can’t tell anyone we’re engaged because he’s a cop and in daaaanger all the time! Nevermind that I’m always involved in the local mob war, my father is an admitted danger junkie, and my brother is a cop, too. I can’t handle the idea that Dante might get shot… Again. Some more.
DANTE: I’m so excited that we’re engaged. Let’s celebrate! Is something wrong?
LULU: No, of course not. *drinks a bottle of wine*
DANTE: Are you sure?
LULU: I think we should break up. Where’s the scotch?
LUKE: Well, family, I’m back from my therapeutic tour of Europe’s finest brothels! Miss me?
TRACY & ETHAN: Not really, no.
LUCKY: Hello? Dad? Is there anyone else there? A neighbor? The dog? A particularly lush house plant?
LUKE: Nope, just me.
LUCKY: Fine. Just take Aidan to the hospital right this second! Magic stones told me he’s in danger!
LUKE: And you think I’m the one who’s drunk?
MAGGIE: Hey, I heard you all were in need of a new pediatrician.
TERRELL: Wait, what happened to me?
WRITERS: No idea.
MAGGIE: I’m feisty and socially inappropriate and I have a SECRET HISTORY with Steve!
AUDIENCE: Son of a bitch. This again?
MAGGIE: I hate rules and am the only doctor who truly cares about the childrenz. That’s how I saved Aiden’s life! Lollipops and rule breaking. Trufax. I also like to lurk disguised as a HELL CLOWN to spy on my co-workers. What? That is not at all weird.
LUKE: *singing Chariots of Fire theme song* How amazing is it that I could stay sober long enough to take my biological grandson to the hospital? I’m totally redeemed!
ETHAN: So does this mean you’re done being an asshole now?
LUKE: Have I ever told you about the time I screwed a bunch of hookers while I was married to Laura? Also, how love is a trap to suck your soul out, all women are fragile harpies, and I never wanted kids? Good times.
ETHAN: So… that’s a ‘no’ then?
ELIZABETH: Almost *cough* died *cough* saved by *cough* hot abs…
MATT: You’re cute when you’re delusional.
ELIZABETH: You’re sweet when you’re jealous of heroic body parts.
AUDIENCE: *swoon* A nice, sweet, unexpected, organic relationship? They’re doomed.
SAM: Jason, I just want you to know that Franco raping me is much more painful for you than it is for me.
JASON: JASON SMASH!
AUDIENCE: The only good thing about this story is that it couldn’t possibly get any worse.
SAM: Okay, and now according to Franco I might be pregnant. Fun! Better keep this from Jason since he will lose his shit… again… some more.
JASON: SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
AUDIENCE: Seriously, show? That wasn’t a challenge.
SONNY: So, Alexis. You haven’t had much to do this year.
ALEXIS: That’s not true! I’ve had these… hilarious… hot flashes… Damn.
ALEXIS: And my breasts looked fantastic at your wedding!
SONNY: No, that’s true. And I’m sure Garin Wolf will write you something great any day now.
ALEXIS: Oh, shut up.
SONNY: How about a I throw you a bone? I’ll blackmail you into being my lawyer again by getting our daughter into college.
ALEXIS: That doesn’t even make sense. Why would I owe you a favor for getting your own daughter into Yale? And why would you need me to be your lawyer anyway?
SONNY: Um, Diane’s quitting law to become a celebrity gossip columnist?
ALEXIS: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
KRISTINA: Okay, I’m off to Yale! Kind of weird that I was admitted mid-semester, but I need an excuse to go away so I can get all grown up and sexy enough to finally hook up with Ethan.
ETHAN: Oh yeah, about that…
LADY IN WHIIIIIIIITE: *waves*
AUDIENCE: No, not really.
ROBIN: So, you know how Lisa kind of screwed with my meds last year? Surprise! The writers do too! I know. It’s weird. Anyway, it somehow caused my real meds to stop working and I think I’m going to die.
JASON: Oh no, what are you going to do?
ROBIN: Run away. Obviously, it will be better for Patrick and Emma to think that I don’t give a damn about them than to give them a chance to grieve and cherish our last moments together.
JASON: Okay, I’m brain damaged and emotionally stunted and even I know that makes absolutely no sense.
AUDIENCE: If Robin abandons her family, we are going to cut someone…
MICHAEL: Well, Abby’s dead.
SAM: Mob hit? Stripper killer?
MICHAEL: No. Crane.
JASON: Was Franco driving the crane?
MICHAEL: No, a crane just randomly dropped on her head.
MICHAEL: Look it up. It’s a thing.
LULU: Do you promise not to die ever, ever, ever?
LULU: If you do, will you come back as Zombie!Dante and still love me?
DANTE: Uh, okay. Sure.
LULU: Okay, then we can be engaged again. For realz this time.
DANTE: Great! Let’s get married in an hour!
DANTE: Don’t you love me?
LULU: Okay fine, but we need to have the most important people in our lives here – Olivia and eight million random Falconeris.
LAURA, TRACY, MAXIE, MOST OF PORT CHARLES: Thanks a fucking lot, show.
LUCKY: I’ve suddenly realized that there is no worse fate than being in love with Elizabeth Webber.
ELIZABETH: Uh, thanks?
LUCKY: Kids, I know it seems like I’m leaving on Christmas Eve to go find myself because I’m a selfish ass who runs when the going gets rough, but the truth is… it’s either this or go to my sister’s wedding. What choice do I have? I mean, really?
CAMERON: What a dick.
ELIZABETH: Damnit. I just don’t understand how faking a mental breakdown didn’t save my family!
DOCTOR ABS: I don’t understand how I’ve only had two scenes but I’m already a less ethical therapist than Lainey.
MICHAEL: WHY? Why does everything, including Abby’s random death, have to be all about me? It is so hard on ME that Abby’s parents suck and that her entire life was pretty much a reason for me to get to demonstrate what a caring person I am. Life is so hard for a Corinthos, you know?
SONNY: Tell me about it! Actually, don’t, because that would waste valuable time when I could be talking about my tortured childhood.
KATE: Oh, Sonny. Am I really the only woman you’ve ever been with who’s been able to see the wounded little boy inside of you?
SONNY: *coughs* Um, yeah. Totally. Can I hug you? With my penis?
AUDIENCE: *throws up*
DANTE: So, any progress on figuring out who shot me yet?
PADILLA: You’re only asking me that because I’m a woman! I will not be disrespected!
DANTE: So… no, then?
PADILLA: *unbuttons her shirt* Hah! You men are all the same — all you think about is sex! Well, here. Take what you want!
DANTE: *backs away slowly*
MICHAEL: You know what this New Years Eve celebration is missing? A temper tantrum.
LULU: Actually, I think we’ve had plenty of those lately–
JASON: JASON SMASH?
SAM: Not now, dear.
MICHAEL: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! MY MOM IS A BITCH!
ENTIRE TOWN OF PORT CHARLES: *backs away slowly*
SONNY: Awesome. How can I make this all about me? Oh yeah — Carly, I am outraged that you wouldn’t share your flimsy suspicions that the husband I tried to murder might not be dead! Outraged, I say!
AUDIENCE: Happy… New Year? We’d say next year couldn’t possibly be worse, but that kind of talk usually gets us into trouble.
RON CARLIVATI: *backs away slowly* I’ve made a huge mistake.