I want to punch everyone on this show in the face.

You guys! YOU GUYS! I was all set to post another depressing rant about the nearly universal AWFULNESS of every single character in Port Charles and what news should pop up on my screen?

Roger Howarth,  Kassie DePaiva, Kristen Alderson, and Michael Easton are coming on board! (That’s OLTL’s Todd Manning, Blair Cramer, Starr Manning, and Det. John McBain for those who have been living in a sad, OLTL-less hole for the last twenty year. I’m… sorry? You’ve been missing some good stuff, folks.)

The less awesome news is that they’re apparently going to be involved in a big story with Sonny. (Oh, of course they are.) But whatever! I’m just so happy (SO HAPPY) that these characters will live on past the end of this week (*sob*) and that their presence in Port Charles may just be the start of a badly needed Renaissance for GH.

The possibilities are endless — can McBain actually make the PCPD competent again? (Especially if he brings current lady love, Natalie, with him to give the PCPD their first ever forensics department?) Not to mention the deliciousness of seeing him team up with Robert Scorpio to clean up the town if the latter can be convinced to stick around after seeing Robin off.

Plus… Todd and Mayor Floyd in a newspaper war! Todd mixing it up with Jax and ELQ! Starr and Maxie and Lulu (or a returned and SORASed Kristina?) helping to repopulate the younger generation again! Blair vs. Carly! And if Natalie doesn’t make the jump with John, I would not at all be opposed to seeing him and Alexis butt heads… and other parts, if you know what I mean and I think that you do.

(Hot Sex for Alexis! is my new platform for 2012. Please join me in making America sexier for hot ladies over 50 again.)

Most of all: it’s a chance for at least part of OLTL to live on, and for long-suffering Todd/Blair fans to get the ending they deserve, and which they would no doubt have gotten on the Prospect Park version of One Life to Live had it actually gone through.

Even if I wasn’t rooting for this couple myself — and I actually am, even if I will always love Todd/Téa in my heart of hearts (and let’s be honest… Blair/Téa 4-EVA, right?) — I have enough good friends who are just about ready to slit their wrists over the cliffhanger ending they’re afraid we’re about to get for these two. I want them to get their couple.

As for concerns that these characters will eat the show… listen, if there’s one thing I could say about One Life to Life under Carlivati and Valentini, it’s that the show feels truly balanced. This is a team that is very good at keeping multiple balls up in the air and spreading the action out so that lots of different characters get their due. I’m not concerned about their ability to integrate the Mannings and McBain into the canvas without stealing time from any of PC’s finest.

And if they don’t… how can I put this delicately? Um. Would that be so bad? Let’s just look at some sample dialog from the last five days, shall we?

MICHAEL: Dad, I already knew you were going to say this.
SONNY: Then why are we having the conversation?
ME: YES. WHY?

Let’s just say that if it’s a choice between another 8,000 conversations JUST LIKE THAT and having Todd Manning swanning around my screen in his delightful hipster haircut talking to hallucinations of his dead mother and pining over Blair… I will take the latter.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Port Charles: Robin, bless her, took a break from being TOTALLY FUCKING CRAZY to lay a little truth on Monica:

MONICA: Well, now that Lucky’s gone, I know Jason feels obligated to her because of Jake. I just don’t want to see him taken advantage of. [Ed. note: !!!]
ROBIN: I can understand why it would be painful that you didn’t know Jake was your grandson while he was still alive, but that was Jason’s choice not to tell you. Not Elizabeth. You can’t blame her for that.

Sadly… it didn’t really take:

MONICA: I think Jason might have changed if Jake had lived. A child can be a really good reason to turn your life around.

Um, Monica? You do realize that Jake was four years old when he died? As in, Jason had FOUR FUCKING YEARS in which to stop killing people for money. And he didn’t. And you’re an idiot. And SHUT UP, MONICA. GOD.

Also sadly: Monica’s batshit crazy seemed to bounce back and make Robin’s already formidable case even stronger, as she now wants Elizabeth to marry Patrick and raise Emma in her place, because that’s totally a normal and reasonable request to make to your friend, who, frankly, already has quite enough of her own shit to deal with.

About the only good thing I can say about those scenes is that both Rebecca Herbst and Kimberly McCullough threw their hearts into it. And it at least gave poor Liz the chance to be the most reasonable person in the room for once:

ROBIN: Patrick already blames himself for everything that Lisa did to us. Don’t you think if he knew it was because of her that I am sick, he would be devastated?
ELIZABETH: And you don’t think he’s gonna be devastated if you just leave without an explanation?
ROBIN: I’ll make up some excuse..
ELIZABETH: You mean you’re gonna lie. Robin, I have lied to every man I loved and it doesn’t work. I hurt them. I hurt myself. It’s damage than cannot be undone.

Not that it will end up doing any good. But still! It’s nice to see her be the voice of sanity instead of the one ready to jump off the Cliff of Romantic Stupidity.

And finally… hey, ladies? Just a little tip for you. If anyone ever looks this happy to hear that you’ve got amnesia? That person is probably a creepy creeper and you might want to stay away from him:

(Seriously, what the fuck was that, Parsons?)

Luckily for Ethan, Spinelli is ALSO hanging around acting like an even CREEPIER creeper. Because… why? He saw her standing outside Kelly’s and decided to randomly stalk her? I just… god, I hate this show.

So, yes. The Lady In White has a name, and it’s “Cassandra,” because her shrink thought it would be a good idea to name his amnesiac mental patient after one of the most tragic figures in Greek mythology. Way to keep her spirits up, Doctor Abs!

Of course, he also thought it would be a good idea to let her squat in someone else’s gothic mansion on an isolated island all by herself. Doctor Abs… is really going balls to the wall for the title of PC’s least ethical doctor, isn’t he? If so, I salute you, sir! Your dedication is admirable!

In conclusion: seriously, if we can get an infusion of Mannings and competent police in exchange for the time now being spent wandering through empty tunnels, staring at portraits, sleeping in graveyards, or listening to Michael say anything ever… I will consider it a bargain well made and dance a dance of much joy, people.

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10 thoughts on “I want to punch everyone on this show in the face.

  1. “And finally… hey, ladies? Just a little tip for you. If anyone ever looks this happy to hear that you’ve got amnesia? That person is probably a creepy creeper and you might want to stay away from him:”

    And today Ewen and Ethan commented that Cassandra looks like Laura. Who is supposed to look just like Lulu. So Ethan is attracted to a woman who looks like his half-sister, just for the creeper cherry on top.

  2. So who will be the 4 actors leaving GH now that Roger Howarth, Kassie DePaiva, Kristen Alderson and Michael Easton are coming on board?

    • I have no idea whether it will be a one-to-one exchange in terms of talent. But they’ve just lost JJ and supposedly Nathan Parsons is out the door not long after KMc. There ought to be room in the budget. And if there isn’t? It’s not like Padilla, Maggie, Ewen, or Ronnie are really necessary to the canvas. I’d be happy to see Anthony go as well. Bruce Weitz is fabulous, but the character has worn out his welcome, IMO.

      Also, speculation only, but if they can balance out the stories more and keep the heavy hitters from having to go over their contractual maximums, that might free up some more of the budget as well…

  3. Thank you!…when I saw that scene with Ethan, the first thing I said was, ‘Why is he smiling?’…LOL. So fucking weird!

    I must admit I’m a little worried about GH going from The Sonny and Jason show to The Continued Adventures of Todd & Blair, but I do know those writers have GOT to do a better job than what we’re getting. As long as they give my girl Tracy a story where she’s her old bitchy self and not Luke’s doormat, I’ll accept anything. Besides, I do like Todd (now that Roger’s playing him again), Blair , and Michael Easton.

    PS-I’d love to see Ryan L come on board to play Dillon. That would be great.

    • I would love to see Dillon come back, but I’m torn on the possibility of a recast because I think Scott Clifton’s particular charisma was a big part of what made that character likeable to me. On the other hand, if he’s wedded to B&B now, it might be worth it if they could find a new actor who worked as well. I’m not sure who you mean by Ryan L., though?

        • Oh! John-Paul Lavoisier? (I had to look it up myself, don’t worry.) He might work… although he seems older than I picture Dillon. Although we haven’t seen Dillon in so long that they might be the same age now…

          • oh so i didn’t know his first name either…lmao…yeah that’s him. i think they both look about the same age if you see scott clifton on B&B now…he’s matured some

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