This entire show is one long bad touch.

Before continuing to the rest of this post, which (spoiler!) will be rather cranky, I’d like to take a moment and acknowledge the one thing that hasn’t enraged or bored me about the last few days:

ELIZABETH: I can’t do this anymore. you need to know the truth.
PATRICK: What truth?
ELIZABETH: Patrick, Robin’s sick. Her HIV levels are unstable.

BOOM! I was all resigned to this dumb secret continuing to drag on as so many other dumb secrets have. But no! Elizabeth “My Poker Face Is Reserved For Paternity Lies Only” Webber just stepped right in like a champ and nipped this thing in the bud for me. Love you, girl.

It should probably go without saying that Jason Thompson was working Patrick’s denial, fear and hurt to the hilt. I could wish for a lot of ways this story should have been told differently, starting with Robin not being out of her goddamn mind, but for now I’m just grateful the cat is out of the bag and we can hopefully get on with the rest of the fall out from the possible death of one of this show’s longest running and most beloved legacy characters.

You know, as soon as the writers get done with focusing on much more important subjects, like Sonny’s childhood (hey, did you know that it wasn’t a happy one? I know! I was shocked too!), Carly’s cunning plan to prostitute herself to save Michael from his own douchiness (um, yeah… good luck with that), and the exciting vagaries of Ethan’s sex life.

Speaking of the latter, I should have known it was shortsighted to complain when the Lady in White — sorry, Cassandra — spent months not speaking. Because now that she’s finally opened up her mouth, we’re being subjected to gems like this:

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS LADY IN WHITE: Is that all you really wanted to know about me? How sexually proficient I might be?
ETHAN, aka THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS A CHARACTER I DIDN’T HATE: No, no, of course not! I’m sure you’re sufficiently proficient. [Ed. note: You are… the grossest.]
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS LADY IN WHITE: Yes. And what happens next, after that? What becomes of the girl with no past, your curiosity spent in the sheets, leaving me with no named accomplishment other than that I brought you pleasure? Or do you think I’m virginal territory to impress? You think you’ll give me something to remember if I can remember nothing on my own. A gift of desire and destruction that I can’t return for a refund; my moment of weakness. I have none. I am not weak.
ETHAN, aka THE GROSSEST: Prove it. With your vagina. [Ed note: That last part may have just been implied?]

What? Who talks like that? I’ll tell you who: characters in bad romance novels, whose authors think purple prose, pretentious twattery, and abuse of commas sounds “old timey.”

So, listen: I get that the writers think that this is “Gothic” (it’s not) and that Nathan Parsons apparently believes this is Wuthering Heights. (Also no, it’s really not. Dear Garin Wolf: I knew Emily Brontë. Emily Brontë was a good friend of mine. And you, sir? Are no Emily Brontë.) But there’s a reason real people don’t talk like characters from Wuthering Heights, and that reason is that they will sound extremely stupid.

The one good thing I can say about this plot is it gives me an excuse to share one of my favorite things in the universe:

(What does it say that the plot of that spoof toy commercial was way more interesting than anything currently happening on this show?)

Elsewhere, Natasha and Luke had another little sit down, and it started all cute with the sparring and the missing each other and the straight talk… and then the talk got a little too straight, if you know what I mean:

LUKE: Look, Tracy used to like me just as I was. She didn’t want me to change. She knew I was a challenge. Did I steal from her? Did I cheat on her? Absolutely. But she liked that! She expected me to do it!
ALEXIS: Did it ever occur to you that maybe Tracy was willing to take you any way she could get you? How about maybe she guards her heart because she was afraid you would break it, which is exactly what you did. Now aren’t you glad you invited me here?

Oh, I see! It’s not that you don’t treat her like shit — it’s just that she likes being abused! Of course. Why haven’t I seen it before? All these years of Tracy pretending to be frustrated, angry, and hurt by Luke’s philandering has all been an act designed to hide her enjoyment of being disrespected! And her pained resignation over his continual abandonment and thievery has really been a secret signal to tell him how much she looks forward to being taken advantage of and then dumped for something shinier and more interesting for months at a time. It’s all so obvious now. I mean, if she wasn’t asking for it, he wouldn’t do it, right?

You know who else is asking for it? Strippers. Not all strippers, of course! Just, you know… the bad ones. The ones who like stripping:

MICHAEL: Look, these dancers that this guy’s beating up? Most of them only dance there to make ends meet. They don’t like taking their clothes off for strangers any more than Abby did.


SONNY: You don’t think I know what that’s about? I ran a strip joint. And that’s why I got out of a business. Guys are pigs!

Michael’s right, you guys. It’s okay to be a stripper, so long as you feel degraded and trapped in a life you can’t escape. Only women who enjoy taking their clothes off for money deserve to be beaten! I also love Sonny’s explanation for why he got out of the strip club business — hey, Sonny? Did you have that epiphany about men being pigs before or after you coerced a teenage abuse victim into stripping for you by drugging her to the gills?

(If I feel degraded and trapped after watching this show, does that mean I don’t deserve to beaten either? These rules are so complex!)

Fortunately, we have Tracy herself — after being hilariously kidnapped by her betrothed — to finally cut through the music of wacky hijinks and call this bullshit what it actually is:

ANTHONY: I’m going to call you Venus. My own personal goddess of love!
TRACY: Look, this cuddly mobster act is completely wasted on me. I know that you’re lethal, and no matter how you try to dress it up as quirky or cute, you’re threatening me.

I understand that there are people who actually find this story funny? And I kind of… don’t understand how that’s possible? But at least one character is actually clear on the fact that what Anthony is doing isn’t harmless or shenanigans! as usual. I know the writers would like us all to forget that this is the same man who calmly smothered Siobhan in her hospital bed less than five months ago or who had another woman offed last month simply for the leverage to force Maxie to plan his wedding (because Maxie’s… so awesome? Yeah, I got nothin’). But there is literally nothing about him railroading and frightening Tracy that I find amusing in the slightest.

(Dear Ron Carlivati: FREE TRACY! You wrote for Dorian Lord. I know you can handle this aging battle axe with a little dignity.)

Oh, and also, Jason supposedly killed Franco? But not until after letting him blather on interminably for an episode and a half? And then later he seemed oddly uncertain about whether or not he was even dead?

(Like, how about a couple kill shots to the head, Jason? It’s called being a professional. God.)

(You know we’re all going to be paying for his incompetence later when JF shows up again to torment us all with his pretentious douchery until the end of time or until he finally gets bored and wanders off to shake up all of life and art as we know it by playing himself somewhere else.)

Thanks for nothing, Jason. WORST. HIT MAN. EVER.


22 thoughts on “This entire show is one long bad touch.

  1. You forgot to mention how Sam you know the woman who was violated (rape or not) by Franco has to spend her time reasuring pew wittle Jasons feelings because Franco used Sam as a way to get to him. Not Jason being there for Sam the actual victim.

    I find nothing amusing about what Anthony is doing to Tracy no matter how amazing JE and BWs acting are. I need Tracy to find something on Anthony and blackmail his crusty ass. You’d think Tracy would be the one to be part of that Johnny spoiler.

    Another thing thats not amusing is watching a smart, spunky character like Lulu become a wino (seriously who becomes an alcoholic off of wine?) and not know what she wants to do in life.

    Everything about GH is so dirty. Am ai the only one who feels GWs writing feels like a huge FU to someone? aits so bitter and angry.

    • Oh, trust me, I find Sam’s situation enraging. I should probably rant about that again soon, though. It’s been a while.

      (Also, yes: my hating Anthony is meant as no slight against BW, who I adore and think is doing as well as anyone would with this material. JE, as always, is a goddess.)

      Re: Lulu, it’s not her drinking wine that I find unrealistic — it’s that she only ever drinks *a single glass at a time* and yet somehow we’re supposed to be deeply disturbed by her “problem”? Good god. I have more with dinner than she has in an entire week combined! Guess I should really check myself into rehab…

  2. I agree with everything said, especially about Tracy. When they first hooked her up with Luke I thought we were going to get some true scheming blackmailing hijinks and together they were going to strike fear into the hearts of all Port Charles residents. Instead they have Luke use and abuse Tracy and she puts up with it. That is NOT Tracy! She does not put up with that, just ask Paul Hornsby or Larry Ashton.

    I agree with Dan. When Anthony started this blackmail ball rolling, Tracy I know would have been tirelessly searching for something to hold over him back…and she’d have found it! I’m tired of seeing this character being a doormat. The fact that no one could ever control her is what made this character great. Garin Wolf you suck just as bad as Guza. The only thing I am grateful for was him finally letting us know what happened between her stint as Soleito godmother and her return to PC. That part was also well written and I had high hopes for this story, but now it’s just more of the usual anti-climatic bull.

    Sigh…I feel better now. I been wanting to bitch about the waste of this character and Jane Elliot’s talent for awhile now. I want mean, scheming Tracy back dammit!

    • Right? I just want Tracy and Luke to be equals. They don’t need to be “good” people; they don’t even need to stop bickering. It just needs to be them against the world instead of them against each other. *sigh*

  3. Jason Thompson is doing a phenomenal job in this storyline, especially in the past two days he’s been on as Patrick has found out about Robin. He is amazing in emotionally charged scenes, and especially with Kimberly. He is way overdue for an Emmy!

    As for Ethan…he and the Lady in Why-te (as in Why Are They Shoving This Nonsense Down Our Throats?) are sucking up airtime that could be used for characters we enjoy and don’t get to see so often.

  4. I think the writers are trying to base their dialog for LIW on River from Firefly. So not working. Didn’t think I would miss her walking around silently, but I do. And so far, the actress is pretty mediocre. Is Mark Teschner even trying anymore?

    I can’t even curse out Garin Wolf, because he just seems incompetent. That’s the one compliment I could give him over Guza, who seemed to like to destroy things on purpose. (Did you see NLG’s tweet? She complimented Frank Valentini and someone replied, “no offense that’s what you said about GW.” And she replied, “that’s why I haven’t commented before now, I don’t like choking on my words.” Poor NLG. Some of us had hope too!)

    • Although having written that, now I think I’m being a tad unfair to the LIW actress. I don’t know how anyone could deliver that dialog in a “good” way. In fact now I’m trying to hear Maggie or Padilla say those lines in my head and compared to how I think they would deliver it, she’s doing decent after all.

    • LOL…poor NLG. She didn’t realize when he said he liked to write for women that it meant she was going to have a hot flash every scene…hahaaa. I just read a spoiler that I won’t divulge here except to tell you it begins with, ‘A menopausal Alexis…’. (eye roll)

      Well the fact that she waited to see what RC/FV are actually working on before tweeting is a good sign.

    • In poor NLG’s defense, I had really high hopes for Wolf as well, based on the writer’s strike material. It wasn’t wonderful, but I did think at the time that the women came off better with him at the helm. Oh, well. At least we know for a fact that RC is more than capable of writing for women — and older women in particular — well.

  5. I missed some years of GH. When did Sonny “coerce[d] a teenage abuse victim into stripping for [you] by drugging her to the gills? And who was the girl? I already hate the character of Sonny. Make me hate him more so I can stop watching that damn show.

    • Oh gosh, this was years ago — maybe 1993? Sonny was introduced as a villainous sleazy strip club owner. At the time, Karen, 18 year old good girl, was having a bit of a breakdown due to previously repressed memories of being sexually molested by her mother’s boyfriend as a child. Sonny manipulated her into stripping so she could feel “powerful” and also got her hooked on pills; he was the only one she confided in about the abuse, and eventually they began a sexual relationship. When she tried to leave, he got extremely nasty. Eventually, he had her true love, Jagger beaten up for refusing to throw a boxing match and the two of them had to go on the run from Sonny’s thugs. Charming!

      • It’s too bad Jason doesn’t remember how much he loved Karen before his accident, maybe he’d blow Sonny’s head off for that. (Karen’s acting was fantastic, btw)

        Also of note: She was Scotty Baldwin’s daughter and that’s why he hates Sonny so much. Of course Guza wrote him as if he was the villian for wanting to avenge what you’re seeing right here.

        • True story: Karen was my favorite character, bar none. I started watching this show because I had such a crush on her. I hate that they broke her and Jagger up off screen, brought her back in a recast and then killed her off. HATE.

      • Thanks for the update! I thought I hated Sonny before, but I didn’t realize he was that vile a character. How in the world can they justify his continuance? Ew. I left GH in the 90’s so I missed a lot. I think Courtney and Jason was the last storyline I remember. I’m waiting for the day when they kill Sonny, Carly (THE single most ridiculous character ever) and Jason (so, so tired of your dysfunction).

        • Well, to be fair, he was SUPPOSED to be a villain at that point, and a short term one at that, which made it much easier to stomach than the the stuff he does now — which is equally as vile in a lot of ways, but which the show doesn’t seem to see as villainous.

          But when they decided to keep MB around, I think they did a pretty good job of rehabbing the character into more of a rootable bad boy, and I will completely cop to loving him and Brenda together even though I’d previously HATED both of them when they were basically treated as spoilers for Karen/Jagger. Which just goes to show that there ARE ways to successfully get characters past some really crappy stuff with time and good writing. It’s just rare to see it work nowadays. God, I miss Claire Labine.

          • What you stated about Sonny and Brenda is all down to Claire Labine. I didn’t initially like Sonny or Brenda (and I wanted to like Sonny because I loved MB as Nico on All My Children). What her writing did with those two characters is really no short of amazing becasue I really did like Karen and Jagger. I think she’s some kind of sorceress because I still love Sonny and Brenda with a love that not even Guza’s crappy writing has destroyed.

  6. SONNY: You don’t think I know what that’s about? I ran a strip joint. And that’s why I got out of a business. Guys are pigs!

    I laughed when I heard Sonny say this. What B.S. Sonny’s not running a strip club because Luke killed Frank Smith (if Jason want’s to know how’s it’s done, he should see how Luke took out old Frank), and like the vulture he his, Sonny in collusion with Damien Smith took over the organization before anyone else could.

    • That was some revisionist bullshit, for sure. The scary thing is I can’t tell if it’s Sonny who can’t remember or the writers.

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