Gimme Some VD: “All My Children”

Previously on Vampire Diaries: Everyone went to fancy ball. And it was kind of awesome.

Montage! It’s the morning after the ball, and Elena — unlike a normal person — does not wake up and immediately stumble groggily to the bathroom to ponder the hilariousness of her bedhead as she pees. (Was that TMI? Sorry, readers. Deal with it.)

No, she’s already so perfectly perfect looking that she doesn’t even stop to brush the eye boogers away before first calling  Stefan (too busy brooding to answer)… and then Damon (still bitchy about having his widdle feelings hurt the night before).

Oh, and still in bed with Rebekah. Oops?

(I know we’ve seen it before, by the way, but this is the first time I realized how much I covet Elena’s bedroom, which is enormous and pretty and full of light, and features a comfy looking window seat that I long to curl up on.)

Anyway, Elena — not put off by Damon’s pouting over the phone — heads over to the mansion to talk things out in person… just in time to catch Rebekah leaving in last night’s ballgown. Aaaaaawkward! Elena’s hurt that he’s hooking up with someone who just tried to kill her. Solid point for her. Damon tries to act like his decision to bone the enemy had nothing to do with her breaking his fragile heart the night before, but really: who does he think he’s kidding?

Certainly not Elena!

But down to business: she fills Damon in on the details of her chat with Esther and reveals that she’s feeling guilty about lying to Elijah. (See? Even Elena loves Elijah.) Damon, however, is feeling zero sympathy for any of the originals, including the one he spent the better part of the night having sex with. Stay classy, Damon! He warns Elena not to mess this plan up. Ominously, she makes no promises, and after she leaves, Stefan shows up to confab with Damon about their mutual unworthiness (agreed, boys!) and the likelihood that Elena will screw things up with her girly feelings of compassion (extremely high).

Chez Original: Kol mocks Rebekah for her walk of shame (“Our sister is a strumpet” – heh) and complains to Klaus of his boredom. God, Kol in annoying. I’m starting to sympathize with Klaus having daggered him for a 100 years.

The two of them head over to the The Only Bar In Town in search of some fun, while Elijah stays to ask Rebekah about their mother’s suspicious behavior. Rebekah claims not to have noticed, but Elijah isn’t convinced. DUN!

Later that day, Elena rants to Bonnie about the Damon/Rebekah sitch while the latter tries to recreate the anti-eavesdropping spell Esther used the night before. (Which… is smart thinking, girls! I love this show’s attention to details like that.) Caroline — forced to wait out in the hall to test whether the spell is working (it isn’t) — is also extremely cranky about being forced to hear all about Damon the vampire gigolo. Heh.

Bonnie finally interrupts Elena’s Damon freak out to drop the bomb that Esther already paid a call on her and Abby, asking them for their help with the spell to kill all the originals. Which — oh, yeah — is going down that very night. Elena’s still torn.

Which is unfortunate, because who should show up at the door after the girls leave, but Elijah! (Elena, by the way, doesn’t even bother to see who it is before answering. Girl, you get kidnapped every damn week. At least check your peephole first.) Elijah wants to show her something mysterious out in the middle of nowhere, which is totally not at all a creepy request, but what is she going to say? No?

(Anyway, it’s Elijah. I would probably go watch paint dry with him, just to see him wrinkle his delightful nose in boredom.) (What? I don’t have problems.)

After a brief Mystic Falls history lesson out in the woods, Elijah cuts to the chase: he can tell Elena was lying to him about his mother’s plans the night before. She caves pretty much instantly and basically confesses to everything. Uh-oh. He knocks a hole in the ground and drops Elena into the caves underneath.

Over at the Grille, Alaric is apparently out on a date with Psycho Doctor Meredith, but has stopped to take a call from his best boyfriend, Damon, who’s looking for Elena. Alaric hasn’t seen her, and won’t promise to tie her up if he does see her, much to Damon’s disgust. Way to not be helpful, Alaric. Geez.

Dr. Psycho updates him on the total standstill the investigation into his attack has come to, and suggests a vampire is the only culprit that makes sense — just in time for Klaus and Kol to show up! (Kol, by the way, stares at Dr. Psycho with a suspicious intensity. I know we’re supposed to think he just wants to eat her but maybe they’re secretly working together?)

Bonnie and Abby meet up with Esther and Finn at the witch house, where Esther explains that she needs to draw on the entire Bennett witch bloodline — living and dead — in order to pull off the spell. And she needs Bonnie and her mom to help maintain the connection. (Finn, who I would like to know more about, is a willing sacrifice who views his life as a curse and his death as a gift.)

Meanwhile, Elena is stuck wandering around the caves with Rebekah, who is serving as jailer and possible executioner for the evening. As Elijah explains to Damon and Stefan — they have until one minute before moonrise to stop the spell by killing Bonnie and Abby, or Rebekah will kill Elena. Rebekah, of course, is incredibly willing to make Elena’s murder her last act, because she’s still pouting over being stabbed in the back by our heroine just when they were starting to bond. God,  for immortal killing machines, all the vampires on this show are less mature than the actual high school students when it comes to having their feelings hurt.

Stefan’s expression above = hilariously Blue Steel

Damon, as usual, has come up with a clever plan to counteract Elijah’s directive: if they dagger one of the originals, all will be affected. But since the dagger is lethal to vampires, it’s time for Action Alaric to the Rescue! Step one: a blond distraction in the form of Caroline, whose sassy hard-to-get act has Klaus following her like an eager puppy in a matter of seconds. Heh.

Klaus catches Caroline outside, daring her to get to know him with the charm turned up to about 150%. Caroline warns him that she’s too smart to be seduced by him and his romantic drawings and helplessly adorable smile. (That last might just have been me, sorry. Why am I suddenly liking Klaus to much, you guys? IT’S WEIRD.) But you can kind of tell that even though she’s playing him here, she is kind of falling for it, despite herself.

Back inside, Kol wastes no time heading over to harass Dr. Psycho… and is promptly daggered by Alaric for his trouble. All the siblings collapse along with him. Except Klaus, who nonetheless senses something’s wrong and quickly makes me regret the previous paragraph by grabbing Caroline kind of roughly, accusing her of having done it. He vamp-speeds off to find Kol and undaggers him, knocking Alaric into a wall and prompting a stand-off when Stefan, Damon, and Elijah also show up. Elijah fills Klaus in on the Esther situation and gives the brothers Salvatore a new deadline: kill the witches now or Elena bites it.

Elena, by the way, is running through the caves again, having taken her opportunity for escape while Rebekah was feeling the affects of Kol’s daggering. Rebekah wakes up and finds her just as she enters the vamp-free zone in the cavern with the cave paintings. Clever girl! Rebekah, unfortunately, is also clever enough to have figured out that gasoline can be thrown across magical lines. Oops?

She douses Elena and most of the cave, but Elena talks her down with some truth: Rebekah won’t burn her now, because if she’s still alive tomorrow, all her revenge will have been used up. Also: she’s a whiny baby who can dish it but can’t take it. (Elena’s speech was more diplomatic, but that’s pretty much the gist.)

Stefan and Damon flip a coin to see who will incur Elena’s undying wrath by “doing the deed.” What princes. Meanwhile, Bonnie and Abby hide inside the witch house while Klaus, Elijah, and Kol confront Finn and Esther outside — protected by a giant fiery pentagram. Amusingly, Esther also seems to kind of hate Kol’s guts.

She says they’re a curse on the earth and calls them all out — even Elijah, who pretends righteousness — for their thousand years of mayhem and murder. But before she can proceed with the spell…

… Damon and Stefan have sneaked into the witch house after Bonnie and Abby, who’ve gotten separated. Stefan corners Bonnie and explains that they need to stop Esther to save Elena. But Bonnie doesn’t have the power to stop her… unless she’s no longer a witch. (It kills me to see Bonnie looking so scared here — doesn’t she have vamp-frying powers that could take Stefan out, or at least slow him down? She doesn’t even try!)

Before Stefan can do more than glower menacingly, though, Damon catches Abby, feeds her his blood, and snaps her neck.

Wow. I was not expecting that.

With the witch line “severed” (and I don’t really understand that either — why is Bonnie alone not enough to keep it going?) the flames burn too bright to see outside and then Finn and Esther disappear. Um… okay? Something tells me we’ll be seeing Esther at least again, but I’m really not sure what just happened or why.

Rebekah gets the all clear and lets Elena go — but not before spilling the beans about Abby and warning her her that she will enjoy taking her time making Elena suffer. Oh, good. Something to look forward to.

Back at the mansion, Stefan and Damon confirm Elena’s home safe, then chit chat about the fact that Stefan was actually the one who lost the coin toss. Intrigue! Damon bit the bullet because earlier in the episode he noticed that Stefan is off human blood again and longing to be boring old good Stefan again. (BOOOOO!) Stefan confesses he hasn’t had a drop since the bridge incident with Elena, but still thinks it’s too late for him to go back to his old life and… boo-fucking-hoo, Stefan. God. Maybe people who fall off the wagon and go on murder sprees every couple decades or so shouldn’t be able to go back to their happy lives after.

ANYWAY. Stefan tells Damon that he knows he still loves Elena. Um, was that in question? He was confessing his love to her less than 24 hours ago, Stefan! Damon freely admits it, but says that he thought he could win her from Stefan “fair and square” except she didn’t want him. OH, BOO-FUCKING-HOO, DAMON. Sorry, I am just out of sympathy for these two right now.

(Like, maybe she would have fallen for you in the first place if you hadn’t come to town murdering people left and right and raping her friend with mind control for weeks on end, Damon. And maybe the person you should be feeling sorry for right now isn’t yourself, because your not-girlfriend will never love you after you killed her best friend’s mother, but… your not-girlfriend. And her best friend. And her mother. Who you killed. Maybe — just maybe — the real reason you couldn’t “win” Elena is that you’re still the kind of person who doesn’t spare a thought for anyone’s pain but your own. </rant>)

Elena, at least, has her priorities straight. But when she tries to go to Bonnie, Caroline stops her from coming in the house. Abby’s in transition, and Bonnie — who’s lost an awful lot lately to keep Elena safe — doesn’t want to see her. Awww… poor Bonnie. Poor Elena. But mostly: poor Bonnie.

Okay, moving on: Elena comes home to find a mystery note on her bed. Ooh, it’s from Elijah! He regrets his actions, and hopes she’ll never lose her compassion. Oh, Elijah! You’re still my very favorite.

Meanwhile, the man himself is preparing to leave town, but not before telling Rebekah that their mother is gone — and  that she was right to try and kill them all. Rebekah thinks they deserve to live because they’re better than the humans, but Elijah thinks they chose to make themselves monsters. Poor Elijah. He needs a hug.

Rebekah finds Klaus burning all his drawings of Caroline. Uh-oh. Apparently Kol has already gone (good riddance!) and he expects Rebekah to soon follow. But she has other news: the cave paintings showed the natives worshiping at the white oak tree that has the power to kill them all — alongside a calendar showing it was after they burned the original down. Wow, that’s some conveniently specific cave art!

Rebekah’s also realized that after a thousand years, Klaus is the only member of her family who’s never left her. (Well, okay, except for that time he left her in a dagger coma for 80 years, but who’s counting?) Looks like these two are sticking around for a while.

Finally, we check in with Alaric, who’s staying on the couch at Dr. Psycho’s house due to the concussion and cracked ribs Klaus gave him earlier. He wakes up sometime in the middle of the night to find Meredith asleep in her bed (like, really? You couldn’t give your patient the actual bed, Doctor?) and wanders into the kitchen, where he stumbles upon… evidence pertaining to all the council member attacks, including the dagger used to stab Alaric. DUN!

For, yes! Dr. Psycho (apparently) really is a psycho! And she’s awake, and she has a gun… and she totally just shot at Alaric.  Oh, goddamnit. Seriously, show? Stop killing Alaric! Not cool!

(Also not cool? This is probably the only time I’ve gotten this recap in early, and the show’s on hiatus for a month. Next month — flashbacks! Old-timey lady vampires! Damon sex! Can’t wait.)


4 thoughts on “Gimme Some VD: “All My Children”

  1. I can’t believe you already did this. You are awesome! Also, I completely agree about the whiny Salvatore brothers. Elena is ultimately better off without both of them. Although Damon just has to stop being a dick for an episode and I forgive. I’m a weak woman.

    Do you think we could get some Katherine/Elijah action? I would totally go for that.

  2. I am so damn tired of helping vampires, saving ungrateful bitches, and losing those close to me. I think is it’s time for me to be the fierce witch bitch i’m meant to be. And if that means leaving elen so mote it be.

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