Checking in from vacation-land, where — through the magic of internet — I have managed to get caught up on the last two days and… holy crap, this show is actually moving! (After months and months of staring at stones in graveyards and wandering through empty tunnels, I’m just not used to this.)
Does it even need to be said that John J. York’s reaction to Robin’s death ripped my heart out? No? Good. Because seriously…
MAC: My Robin… my Robin?
ANNA: Shh… I know.
MAC: She was my own.
… that was brutal.
Also? Maurice Bernard’s quivering chin as Sonny heard the news was also KILLING ME, and y’all know how little patience I have for Sonny. And that was just the beginning! We haven’t even gotten to Maxie, Robert, Jason (ugh), Carly, Elizabeth, Matt… And under the new regime, I actually have hope that we’ll see each and every gut-wrenching reaction get the time it deserves.
Meanwhile, even the characters who didn’t have a close relationship with Robin aren’t being left out of the mix:
LULU: Oh, my God. Oh, my God…Maxie and Patrick and…
DANTE: Oh, I know. I haven’t seen anybody, but I mean Mac’s face aged ten years in ten minutes. He didn’t even argue when I insisted I drove him home.
LULU: I’m glad that you were with him.
DANTE: Me too, but all I could do was think about you. You know, how much I wanted to get home to you. And how much I love you, and I’m just so lucky just to have you in my life.
Characters not existing in a bubble where only their own plots affect them! What a unique concept! For the purposes of my sanity, I’m just going to ignore anything that came out of Dante’s mouth regarding his father. But that was just a really lovely scene.
Meanwhile, Patrick’s reaction has been a spate of truth-telling regarding the resident town saint, the likes of which we have not seen in some time:
SAM: I’m not asking you to do the surgery. You can give the medicine to any other doctor–
PATRICK: I’m the only one that can do the surgery.
SAM: Then do it! Save him!
PATRICK: Why? Why should I? So he can go risk his life again? He’s not going to change. He didn’t change for Jake; he’s not going to change for you. You think he’s going to change for that baby?
SAM: What? Don’t you think he deserves to be a father just like everyone else?
PATRICK: No! I don’t think Jason deserves that!
Okay, so putting aside the ridiculous contrivance that apparently no other doctor at either GH or Mercy is qualified to do this surgery. (Um, seriously? Maybe try hiring more than one competent surgeon?) Patrick’s Jason rage, while kind of misplaced, is still absolutely satisfying. Because wanting to be a parent /= deserving to be a parent, and I am so sick of this show conflating the two.
No. Jason kills people for money. He does it willingly, and he does it often. He didn’t “deserve” to be a father to Jake and he doesn’t “deserve” to be a father to this baby either. Which isn’t the same as saying he should just be allowed to die, but it’s ridiculous that that decision would be left solely in the hands of a man whose wife was just blown up anyway, and I’m just happy to hear someone calling out the bullshit, especially since I wasn’t exactly holding my breath wondering if Jason would survive this or not, you know?
HATE ON, PATRICK, YOU BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY. HATE LIKE THE WIND!
But, hey! Though it might be hard to believe, there are actually other, non-Robin Scorpio things happening on the canvas right now — a lot of them fairly obvious signs of the new team starting to clean house. (Like Shawn and Carly finally deciding whether to shit or get off the pot.) (And that was a super weird scene, by the way, because why the hell would he have chosen to have that conversation in Johnny’s living room? But whatever, because at least it moves that stagnating plot forward for the first time in about a year.)
And then there’s Kate. Who has now taken to wandering around town in her BLOODY WEDDING DRESS with full-on CRAZY EYES because Ron Carlivati has clearly decided that if we have to be stuck with this pod-person version of Kate, it should at least be funny as hell.
But don’t worry about Kate! She’d got PC’s least ethical doctor looking out for her mental health:
KATE: I should just talk to you because you stroll by and tell me that you have a medical license?
EWEN: I can show you my medical license if you like. You can even hold me to that doctor/patient confidentiality!
Hah! Even in the middle of a complete nervous breakdown, Kate can tell how super sketchy Doctor Abs is. (Also, Doctor Abs? I know you’ve had some issues with this concept in the past, but doctor/patient confidentiality should really be the default, not a bargaining chip. You know… FYI.)
Speaking of Ewen’s previous patients, the Cassandra story is also finally moving along to its hilarious conclusion. So: Cassandra is really “Irina Cassadine” — Helena’s secret daughter! Which… yeah. Constance Towers is amazingly well preserved, but the woman has definitely been out of child-bearing age for more years than that girl has been alive.
But, whatever! I’m going to pretend that Helena stumbled over a twenty-something mental patient too stupid to realize that her “mom” is eighty years old, and is just punking “Irina” by lying to her that she’s really a Cassadine. Otherwise, seriously? The same family that produced Alexis and Stefan and even effing Stavros produced that breathy nincompoop? No. Just… no.
ANYWAY! The point is: this story is finally moving, Cassandra might finally be leaving, and after years of boring lurking, Helena just might finally be getting her teeth back. Here’s hoping!
(Also, I don’t know if Nathan Parsons is still on his way out the door, but his hair is fast regressing to a feathered pony stage of douchiness, and I would like it to stop, please.)
Finally: Starr, Cole, and Hope! OH HELLO ONE LIFE TO LIVE PEOPLE.
Starr and her bodyguard/baby-daddy had an exposition-laden (and anvilicious) debut in which we learned that:
1. They’re driving through the Chuckles after being sidetracked by plane troubles on the way back to Llanview (because of something going on with Todd) from Los Angeles.
2. Cole is still on the lam from the law after breaking out of jail and faking his own death.
3. Starr has never heard of Port Charles, but Cole is aaaaaall over the town history (possibly because he used to have a family connection here).
Oh, and also, they’re so in love and everything is perfect and cartoon birds are practically flying around their heads to celebrate their happiness. WELL, I’M SURE THAT WILL LAST FOREVER.
Anyway, welcome, Llanview-ians! I really missed you! (Yes, even you, guy I only met in the last week of the show!)