Hey, remember when Maxie was the worst (non-Sonny) person in the history of the world? And then she sort of killed Robin and didn’t even know it? And all we wanted in the world was for her to realize that she was terrible?
Well, today she did. And it, too, was terrible but in a different way. I still can’t help but wish that Kirsten Storms was here for this story. Her Maxie had more nuance and she had more history with Robin to draw on.
But Jen Lilley really brought it today. I even felt bad for Maxie! Which is something of a miracle, given how wretched she’s been lately!
(Also: how in the hell have we not gotten a single scene with Maxie and Mac yet? Effing Padilla has had a chance to give Mac her condolences but not his own daughter? C’mon, RC! Make it happen!)
Oh, look: it’s Todd. HI, TODD! I MISSED YOU! I also missed TODD HUGS, which have been scientifically proven to be both awesome and also usually heart-rending:
So, we got a truckload of exposition about what’s been happening back in Llanview in the last month or so. To wit: everyone still thinks Victor is dead and Todd killed him (psst, non-OLTL viewers: he’s not, and Todd didn’t — but Todd doesn’t know that. It’s… complicated), everyone is SUPER PISSED at Todd because of it and also because of that pesky little kidnapping-and-framing-for-murder thing with Tomás, who is now back together with Blair. Oh, and Todd has apparently broken the terms of his bail to be in Port Charles for Starr.
Also, did I mention that Blair is really, really mad at Todd? Because she is. And you know… rightly so, especially from her perspective. But not so mad that she could stop herself from leaning on him after breaking the news that his sweet little peanut is dead. (Oh, peanut…)
Kassie DePaiva broke my fucking heart here, by the way. But seriously — can we get a moratorium on vehicular toddler death on this show after this? Or really, on any kind of toddler death? That would be nice. I AM RUNNING OUT OF TEARS, HERE. Soon, there will be NO TEARS LEFT and I’ll have to become a TEAR VAMPIRE to steal them from other people, or something equally disturbing.
(True story: because I hate myself, after yesterday’s episode, I fell into a YouTube hole and ended up watching the first ten minutes of “The Body” right before bed. NEVER DO THIS. It will only lead to endless snot, and you won’t be able to sleep for hours because you cannot breath and your eyes hurt from sobbing, and you just really want to call your mother but you can’t because it’s after midnight.)
(If you read the above and wondered, “hey, what’s ‘The Body,'” don’t click that link. Turn on Netflix and just start watching Buffy: the Vampire Slayer from the beginning. Go on. I’ll wait. Let me know when you get to season five. Then we’ll cry together.)
Meanwhile, is there an award for “Best Silent Reaction To Excessive Scenery Chewing”? Because I think Brandon Barash won it today:
I didn’t realize how much I needed the sight of him scuttling around with fear and WHAT IS THIS FRESH FUCKERY in his eyes, but damn if that wasn’t strangely hilarious and satisfying. Bruce Weitz, no doubt invigorated by the competition of Kelly Sullivan’s dedication to throwing herself 100% into batshit insanity, was especially on fire. I mean, it wasn’t hand puppets awesome or anything, but it was still pretty entertaining.
Connie From The Block, of course, continues to be a train wreck of epic proportions. But at least it’s something different from the usual lather, rinse, repeat of her desperately groveling for Sonny’s attention?
Then, this happened:
KONNIE: Johnny, I guaran-damn-tee you, sex with me will be hotter than it ever was with cousin Liv.
JOHNNY: Sure about that?
KONNIE: Yeah, Liv’s a sweet girl. She’s nurturing, mother type. Me? I don’t want kinds and I don’t give a damn about your feelings.
Which just reminded me of this, and how much I miss seeing nurturing, maternal “cousin Liv” stripped down to her fancy skivvies for a man who isn’t orange and annoying and cheating on her with a HELL CLOWN:
Dear Ron Carlivati: less Johnny/Carly, more JOLIVIA HOTNESS, please.
With much love,