The Tao of John McBain.

Okay, now I’m completely caught up. Which means it’s time to talk about John McBain! And the fact that I kind of love him? (God help me, I’ve even started to find the Batman voice and perpetually pursed ducky lips endearing. What is happening to me?) This is especially weird because he never really did anything for me on One Life to Live. Maybe because there were always more interesting characters to care about? But in Port Charles… well. You know.

Anyway, he’s been a serious breath of fresh air these past few weeks, distributing hugs and snark and BLUE STEEL all over town. He even made Alice tolerable! (Alice!) I especially appreciate the way they’ve clearly taking pains to not lock him into a tiny bubble of interactions with only two or three characters. Tracy, Alexis, Dante, Sam, Luke, Anna… he’s been everywhere.

(I’m not counting Sonny or Jason, because let’s face it: his interactions with those two, and the revelation that John blames Sonny for killing his heretofore unmentioned sister many years before — because, don’t be silly, of course he couldn’t just hate Sonny because he’s a smug career criminal who has ruined countless lives and never gets punished for anything ever — are the least interesting things he’s done so far.)

But never mind all that. Because clearly, the most important thing about John McBain is this: the man gives awesome hugs.

Look at that! That is excellent hugging technique! Good, solid, two-armed action — sometimes with a back of the head hold/hair nuzzle, for extra secure hugging of super short ladies; sometimes with the full bear hug for the extra distraught, just kind of folding them in. He is a platonic lady comfort-giving machine! (Frankly, I’ve had kind of a rough month and would like John McBain to come hug me for a while. I think that would really help.)

Kelly Monaco and Michael Easton continue to exhibit mad chemistry, and I really have no idea where this might be going since I do actually like John with Natalie and would hate to see fans of that couple lose their happily ever after as well as their show. I really couldn’t care less about Jason and Sam, on the other hand, and would be perfectly happy to see her moved out of his orbit, as science has proven in the past that Sam is 92.9% more spunky and less emo when she’s not with him.

If nothing else, I would really enjoy her and John becoming friends. Sam doesn’t really have any friends, you know? Now, if you ask me — and strangely, the writers never do — what she really needs is a girlfriend. (I live in hope that one day, she and Liz run off together to become a lesbian crime solving duo, a la Rizzoli and Isles. But clearly, that is the crazy show that only exists in my head and will never really happen.) In the meantime, the girl badly needs someone to talk to other than Spinelli or her robot husband.

And yeah, it might stretch credulity that she’d be confiding this stuff in a cop. But she clearly needed to confide in somebody about the rape. And I’m just so glad to see a scene about it where the focus was on Sam’s reaction instead of Jason’s. Even if just for a minute of hand holding and hugging from a near stranger.

Then there’s Anna! First: how awesome is it that Finola Hughes is now on contract? SO AWESOME. Emma gets a grandmother, Luke gets a scene partner who actually makes him likeable, McBain gets a respected colleague and a friendly face, the town gets an investigator who actually seems competent, and we get her delightfully toothy grin on our tv screens every day. Everything about this is MADE OF WIN.

But more, I’m really pleased with the retcon of her as McBain’s old mentor at the Bureau. It gives him another tie to the canvas — one that’s waaaaay more interesting than the Sonny connection, by the way — and the two of them play off each other very well. I believe that they really could be old friends, and that he looks up to her just a little bit. And I really like that working with him gives Anna something concrete to do to distract her from her grief and bind her to the canvas as well. Win, win, win.

Also win? Anna sticking around gives her a chance to meet HEATHER FREAKING WEBBER:

Look at that crazy stare! Look at those nostrils flare! She will mess you up. Y’all, I seriously, seriously love her.

I know her last stint — most of which I mercifully missed — was a train wreck. But I have hope — and faith! — that this one will be better. Frankly, Olivia’s hysterical reaction to hearing the saga of the black market baby and the LSD tea alone has been worth the price of admission. (Say what you want about Olivia, but she’s got a beautiful WTF face.) And Anna’s more subtle but equally entertaining ‘humor the crazy lady’ reaction today was also perfect. Look at all these ladies over the age of forty interacting! Oh, this is going to be fun.

And speaking of ladies over forty who I love: Téa is coming! I realize this news will not be equally thrilling to everyone, but um… how can I say this diplomatically: I have had a crush on this woman since I was about 16 years old, guys. I love her FAIRLY IRRATIONALLY. (So hate gently, if you must hate.)

LLANVIEW LADIES REPRESENT

It seems like this will be a short visit — obviously tied to Todd’s reappearance and hopefully whatever may have happened with the Victor situation. Frankly, I don’t care if we get her for five minutes of five days. TÉA DELGADO IN PORT CHARLES!

Do you think she’ll share scenes with Alexis? Can they be uber-hot and competent lady lawyers together? Can they also go to The Floating Rib and get drunk with Elizabeth and Olivia and all bond over their fantastic hair? (Would I ever recover from the joygasm if that actually happened? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.)

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12 thoughts on “The Tao of John McBain.

  1. When Heather told Olivia that LSD laced tea story, then handed her the cup and said, ‘Drink up!’…I lmao. Loving her return. Also loving the McBain/Anna ties.
    Another favorite scene was Connie going off on Jason…loved when he turned around for one more look at her crazy and she said, That’s right, Stone Cold.’….haHaaaaa!

  2. I do like McBain/Anna scenes, which surprised me because when I first read what their connection was going to be I groaned and thought that makes no sense. But I like the way he seems to look up to her, and I like a female cop/investigator/spy/whatever she is like Anna doing her job and seeming competent and being the senior person in charge.

    • Yes, I think that’s it, exactly. How often do we have an woman in position of power over one of the show’s manly men? Not often. It’s nice.

  3. Great Writing! I joined wordpress just so I could leave you a reply ;-) I was thinkin about it anyway, but then I was binging John McBain n found your article which I’m totally in tune with. Soaps have been a guilty pleasure of mine since my mamma refused to let me watch them when I was just a kid. I grew up with all the charachters of AMC, OLTL n GH n was oh so sad to see them go. What was I to do without my daytime eye candy? I was so stoked when they brought OLTL stars to GH, especially John! He’s just too yummy n brings joy to my mundane life. I look forward to reading more of your articles 8-)

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