Poor Michael. Who among us hasn’t suffered the pain of oh, so casually wandering out into the living room half-naked expecting to find a cute girl and instead finding… your dad. Awkward!

As usual, Sonny was kind of a huge asshole about the whole thing. But not as usual, Michael’s other parent actually stepped up with some truth:

CARLY: We don’t know if your father caused the accident, Michael, but he did put himself in the situation. Sonny makes destructive choices. I think it’s great that you want to help Starr! And I think it’s great that you want to let him.

Carly making sense and being reasonable! Craziness! What’s next, Sonny getting convicted? AHAHAHAHA… no. Of course not. In the least surprising news ever, he was found innocent of all charges, Starr lost her shit in the least attractive way possible, and then Sonny celebrated his freedom to continue being the biggest jackhole in town by picking another fight with Johnny and Carly, during which he actually had the balls to say THIS:

SONNY: When are you going to realize that you’re dating a moron?

Now, truthfully, this line would have been hilarious no matter what the circumstances, because pot/kettle/black, etc. Yet it was especially ironic coming in the middle of yet another speech accusing Johnny of having set Sonny up for the umpteenth time, even though pretty much EVERY SINGLE TIME Sonny has made this exact same accusation, it has turned out to be false, and even though his habit of jumping to the wrong conclusion about Johnny and overreacting with no proof was the thing that set off the chain of events leading to pretty much EVERY HORRIBLE THING that has happened to his family in the last few years.

But it was his exaggerated “Was it something I said?” face after he finally goaded Johnny into attacking him that really lent the whole scene that extra magic:

Oh, Sonny. Never change, you stupid, childish, petty, irony-deficient rage monkey.

Meanwhile, over on the other side of town, we got the second least surprising news ever, re: Sam’s DNA results and The Pretentious Wanker Who Must Not Be Named. Since I have watched tv before, I’m reasonably certain that this will not, in fact, end up being the last word on baby Morgan-McCall’s paternity. So, whatever.

(Also, did you know that Sam and McBain feel like they have a connection to each other which neither can explain!? I know, I was shocked, too.) (And yet, they continue to be a chemistry factory together, so the theory that they might end up secretly related instead of romantically involved is starting to grow on me.)

Kelly Monaco did a nice job with Sam’s devastation at the news, and I was pleasantly surprised that she actually got to acknowledge the fact that up until now she’d been able to hold onto the tiniest hope that the mayberape never actually happened. And she got to be appropriately devastated by the loss of that hope…

SAM: I need to say it out loud to make myself believe it. Franco raped me. The baby I am carrying is Franco’s, not Jason’s.
McBAIN: Franco’s dead.
SAM: Yeah, but that’s not going to make Jason feel any better.

… before promptly returning to the All Jason’s Pain, All The Time channel. Which led to John saying something truly amazing:

McBAIN: This isn’t just about Jason. This has happened to both of you.

Seriously, how was he not struck by lightning for voicing such heresy?

Finally, you know who’s looking pretty awesome for having been locked in a mental institution for the better part of a decade? THIS LADY!

Ferncliff clearly spares no expense on personal grooming! She’s got the strut, she’s got the flattering blue ensemble that brings out her batshit crazy eyes, and she’s got… some really, really nice hair. LOVE YOU, HEATHER BABY. CALL ME.

She’s also got the power to terrify Luke, which is a nice change from his usual jaded act. But then, just about everything about Luke these days is a nice change. Exhibit B: not finding it hilarious to watch a psychotic killer pawing a woman he claims to love:

Caring about the pain of others, not constantly giving speeches about how love drains the life out of a man… keep this up, Spencer, and people might actually think you’re a tolerable human being!


5 thoughts on “SHOCK OF THE CENTURY!

  1. I loved and agreed with everything Carly said, but I believe she was just kissing Michael’s ass to get him to soften up to her relationship with Johnny. The way she made such a big point of approving of him helping Starr, she all but pushed them in the bed and handed him a condom so he couldn’t talk about her new relationship, BUT every word she said was true…so good one, Carly.
    Also agree…Luke is so likable again. He even bought Tracy a pony for her birthday, sired by her favorite horse no less. Now THAT was a touching birthday gift. Instead Anthony pulled the old Luke by offering to buy her a gift on her dime.

    The fact that Heather was in the hospital when she learned about the paternity test does make me think that it may turn out to be tampered with. That’s just soap opera etiquette!

    I actually can’t wait to get home and see what happens next these days. I’m loving it.

    • I don’t know. Carly can be self-serving, but I doubt she’s steer Michael into a relationship she didn’t really approve of just to suck up to him. And criticizing Sonny has never really been a good way to his heart either. Plus, she was talking about her empathy (Carly? Empathy?!) for Starr earlier, with Johnny.

      That’s just soap opera etiquette!


      • Not only was she in the hospital when the test was taken, she was also in the hospital before Sam came and picked up the test! She didn’t run off because she was upset about going to see Ewen, she ran off to mess with some DNA!

  2. Uh, Heather was in Ferncliff not Shadybrooke, Hello! :P Man, the names of these places might as well be “the loony bin.”

    So my only thought about the F crap is that if this situation makes it come out that Alexis was also raped and Sam and Alexis could deal with that and Sam’s paternity was finally dealt with, maybe I could support this story. Honestly, I would support almost any story that allowed Alexis to do more than serve restraining orders for Sonny and have hot flashes.

    • D’oh! Ferncliff was actually my first instinct and then I convinced myself I was wrong. Should have just asked you! ;)

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