Poor Michael. Who among us hasn’t suffered the pain of oh, so casually wandering out into the living room half-naked expecting to find a cute girl and instead finding… your dad. Awkward!
As usual, Sonny was kind of a huge asshole about the whole thing. But not as usual, Michael’s other parent actually stepped up with some truth:
CARLY: We don’t know if your father caused the accident, Michael, but he did put himself in the situation. Sonny makes destructive choices. I think it’s great that you want to help Starr! And I think it’s great that you want to let him.
Carly making sense and being reasonable! Craziness! What’s next, Sonny getting convicted? AHAHAHAHA… no. Of course not. In the least surprising news ever, he was found innocent of all charges, Starr lost her shit in the least attractive way possible, and then Sonny celebrated his freedom to continue being the biggest jackhole in town by picking another fight with Johnny and Carly, during which he actually had the balls to say THIS:
SONNY: When are you going to realize that you’re dating a moron?
Now, truthfully, this line would have been hilarious no matter what the circumstances, because pot/kettle/black, etc. Yet it was especially ironic coming in the middle of yet another speech accusing Johnny of having set Sonny up for the umpteenth time, even though pretty much EVERY SINGLE TIME Sonny has made this exact same accusation, it has turned out to be false, and even though his habit of jumping to the wrong conclusion about Johnny and overreacting with no proof was the thing that set off the chain of events leading to pretty much EVERY HORRIBLE THING that has happened to his family in the last few years.
But it was his exaggerated “Was it something I said?” face after he finally goaded Johnny into attacking him that really lent the whole scene that extra magic:
Oh, Sonny. Never change, you stupid, childish, petty, irony-deficient rage monkey.
Meanwhile, over on the other side of town, we got the second least surprising news ever, re: Sam’s DNA results and The Pretentious Wanker Who Must Not Be Named. Since I have watched tv before, I’m reasonably certain that this will not, in fact, end up being the last word on baby Morgan-McCall’s paternity. So, whatever.
(Also, did you know that Sam and McBain feel like they have a connection to each other which neither can explain!? I know, I was shocked, too.) (And yet, they continue to be a chemistry factory together, so the theory that they might end up secretly related instead of romantically involved is starting to grow on me.)
Kelly Monaco did a nice job with Sam’s devastation at the news, and I was pleasantly surprised that she actually got to acknowledge the fact that up until now she’d been able to hold onto the tiniest hope that the mayberape never actually happened. And she got to be appropriately devastated by the loss of that hope…
SAM: I need to say it out loud to make myself believe it. Franco raped me. The baby I am carrying is Franco’s, not Jason’s.
McBAIN: Franco’s dead.
SAM: Yeah, but that’s not going to make Jason feel any better.
… before promptly returning to the All Jason’s Pain, All The Time channel. Which led to John saying something truly amazing:
McBAIN: This isn’t just about Jason. This has happened to both of you.
Seriously, how was he not struck by lightning for voicing such heresy?
Finally, you know who’s looking pretty awesome for having been locked in a mental institution for the better part of a decade? THIS LADY!
Ferncliff clearly spares no expense on personal grooming! She’s got the strut, she’s got the flattering blue ensemble that brings out her batshit crazy eyes, and she’s got… some really, really nice hair. LOVE YOU, HEATHER BABY. CALL ME.
She’s also got the power to terrify Luke, which is a nice change from his usual jaded act. But then, just about everything about Luke these days is a nice change. Exhibit B: not finding it hilarious to watch a psychotic killer pawing a woman he claims to love:
Caring about the pain of others, not constantly giving speeches about how love drains the life out of a man… keep this up, Spencer, and people might actually think you’re a tolerable human being!