You know, up until now, my interest in everything about this “Steve’s a murderer!” story has been pretty much zero bordering on Zzzzzzzzzz… sorry, I dozed off trying to think of a word to convey the strength of my not caring about Steve.
But you guys, Heather Webber is my new girlfriend! I mean, I already loved her, because, you know… Heather. Today, though, she really outdid herself. Because just when I was wondering how Steve could be even more boring when he wasn’t even on screen, things took a turn for the AWESOME. Yes, that’s right: Heather pulled out her signature maniacal grin, served up some special iced tea, and rid us of Maggie’s painful overly-precise enunciation once and for all!
HEATHER: You really shouldn’t have called me crazy.
My love for that moment cannot be textually rendered, y’all. I had to rewatch the FLOP like five times in a row before deleting the episode. It was that amazing.
Even more amazing? Despite my disappointment in the on-going Johnny/Konnie shenanigans — and more on that below — the rest of the show has been pretty much ON FIRE these last few days. So many great little scenes! Like Luke — once again exhibiting concern for both Tracy and Lulu in a way that makes him seem like a human being! (I’m… agog, frankly.)
Then there’s Carly and Sam’s beautiful frenemies talk today:
CARLY: Oh, God.
CARLY: I think we just had a girlfriend moment.
OH GOD, indeed. I would be so happy to see them slip into bantery animosity masking true affection. Make it happen, RC! I know you know how. This show desperately needs some girlfriends.
And speaking of frenemies and ladies I really wish had more girlfriends, Elizabeth had another really nice conversation with Jason, this time dispensing some much needed marital advice about TALKING TO HIS DAMN WIFE, ALREADY. Liz helping Sam deal with the rape has been something I’ve been rooting for since it happened, so I’m glad she finally knows. But I really hope the irony of Jason spilling an incredibly personal secret to another woman (and then to Sonny!) like that while in the midst of complaining about Sam spilling personal secrets to another man was intentional.
Because seriously Jason? SHUT THE EFF UP ALREADY. You can’t complain your wife doesn’t talk to you about anything and then tell her that talking doesn’t solve anything whenever she does try to start a conversation! And you can’t whinge on about her confiding in someone else WHILE YOU’RE CONFIDING IN OTHER PEOPLE.
Or, you can, because clearly, you already have. But don’t expect me not to want to give you a swift kick in the crotch over it.
(And yes, I get why Sam talking to John about this stuff and keeping secrets from her husband would be hurtful to Jason. I even think he’s entitled to be a little miffed. But some empathy and perspective would be nice, considering that, you know… she’s dealing with a lot of shit right now, too. LIKE LEARNING SHE WAS RAPED BY A PSYCHOPATH AND IS CARRYING HIS BABY. You know, little things like that. Which might make a person react in less than ideal ways? And warrant some extra leeway instead of silent rage and interrogation about how she hasn’t handled everything in a way that privileges his delicate widdle feelings?)
In conclusion: SHUT UP FOREVER, JASON.
Meanwhile, over at Maxie’s sentencing, Mac continues to kill me:
MAC: You know, when Georgie was murdered, I thought, “Okay. It can’t get any worse than this.” Now Robin? Maxie? [voice breaking] I can’t…
ANNA: You can! Because you’re a Scorpio, for God’s sake.
MAC: Without my girls, Anna, I don’t know who I am!
OH MY HEART.
But that’s not all, because: FELICIA!!! Yay! She was never my favorite character, but I hate that they made her a deadbeat and I’m always glad to see her come back.
I love Mac getting the chance to lay into her for leaving him to do all the hard work and then thinking she still has a right to breeze back in whenever she feels like it. I’m sure they’ll make up a little before she goes. (Assuming that Kristina Wagner isn’t staying?) And I want them to. But he deserves to yell at her a lot first.
And then, of course, Jen Lilley got to pick up the gauntlet of publicly ripping her mother a new one which Kirsten Storms so masterfully threw down the last time Felicia was in town:
MAXIE: You’re a terrible mother. And I’m a terrible daughter. So let’s not pretend otherwise.
Short, blunt, and cruel! I like it.
Meanwhile, Matt comforted Patrick (who’s apparently auditioning for the role of post-apocalyptic fisherman in his spare time, judging by his current appearance?) some more…
… and promised to be more a part of the family from now on. This, of course, was meant to be ironic, as the truth that he was the one to kill Lisa in a drunken (and hilarious!) stupor is about to come out. Which is all well and good. I mean, I really could not care less who got Lisa off our screens, so long as she stays dead and this ridiculously drawn out “mystery” ends, once and for all.
HOWEVER. If we actually lose Matt over the accidental “murder” of an unstable psychopath who was on that boat to KILL THEM ALL and whose death was pretty much a public service… then I will flip my shit. Not to mention flat out reach through the screen and strangle Spinelli if he has the balls to spend one more second bemoaning the “injustice” of Matt not paying for his “crimes.”
(Spinelli said that. SPINELLI! The same man who enjoys playing house with a hit man, doing tech support for the mob, and who once explained his failure to even try to stop the cold-blooded murder of a cop with the following: “I’m of the belief that what’s set in motion has to take its due course without outside interference.” Dear Spinelli: take your self-righteous outrage and shove it all the way up your unbelievable hypocritical ass. HATE!)
Speaking of Matt and Spinelli, I want to congratulate the writers for finally figuring out how to shoehorn product placement into the show without it being awkward and horrifying. But Cameron and Spinelli both loving the Avengers is actually in character, and the whole scenario of Matt taking Cam out as a favor for Elizabeth is plausible enough not to grate.
Not to mention utterly adorable, as all things Cameron always are:
Of course, it can’t be all sunshine and roses. Because the saga of Konnie and Johnny (aka the dirt bag I used to love) continues. The bad news is we got confirmation that they weren’t just faking for Sonny’s benefit. (Goddamnit.) The slightly less bad news is that at least someone on the show seems to have a slight clue about how gross that makes Johnny:
KATE: Don’t touch me! What kind of person are you, taking advantage of me?
JOHNNY: She wouldn’t take no for an answer!
KATE: Connie wouldn’t take no — you knew I wasn’t Connie and you did it anyway!
JOHNNY: If I would have said no, she would have found some other poor, unsuspecting guy, lured him into bed, and Sonny would have walked in.
Oh, I see! The old “if I didn’t rape you, someone else would have!” defense. Well, that certainly absolves you of all moral responsibility, Johnny! Do you have any more scintillating thoughts about the matter? You do? Oh, good:
JOHNNY: I’m sorry, but you showed up here of your own free will
KATE: Connie showed up here, all right. And instead of helping her — or at least sending her away — you had sex with me against my will.
JOHNNY: No, no, no… the woman who showed up here was very willing and incredibly eager. It’s not my fault that you changed your mind. [Ed. note: !!!]
KATE: I was out of my mind! Literally! And you knew that, Johnny.
Um, yeah. Pretty much.
To Johnny’s (miniscule) credit, some of that did appear to sink in, and hearing Anthony’s gleeful reaction seemed like the final nail in the “oh, crap, I guess I am a skeevy asshole” coffin:
JOHNNY: Kate wasn’t a willing participant. She’s a mentally ill woman. I took advantage of that. […] Screw Sonny! I’m the one who has to pay for what I did! I took advantage of a mentally unstable woman, and I may have lost Carly forever.
Right, sure. You’ve just realized you’re pretty much a rapist, but hey — you’ve also lost a three week relationship with a woman you care about so much that you were willing to betray her for some shallow revenge. Perspective!
(I did love his insistence that Carly needed to hear the whole story — like, in what world is “I knowingly had sex with a mentally disturbed woman for revenge against your ex” better than just “I had sex with another woman because I was horny”? Johnny… is a moron.)
Today, he was thisclose to finally doing the right thing and actually trying to help her… before wussing out again. (Le sigh.) Bad Johnny! No cookie for you!