OMG, YOU GUYS. This show is trying to kill us, I swear. Was that amazing for you too? We’re still doing a recap later in the week, but this episode deserves some immediate reaction.
Yeah, that’s right. It’s time for: DRUNK VAMPIRE DIARIES LIVE CHAT!
(THIS PICTURE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FINALE.
I JUST THINK THEY’RE PRETTY.)
First, let’s set the scene:
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: We should have thought about live blogging the finale or something interesting like that.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Although my thoughts aren’t probably too great live.
TENILLYPO: Yeah, mine would all be SQUEE!
TENILLYPO: and FLAIL!
TENILLYPO: and SHUT UP, STEFAN
Naturally, we decided to do it anyway.
TENILLYPO: Okay, starting! I’m finishing a bottle of wine tonight, btw. Come hell or high water.
TENILLYPO: God, is Elena always cheerful in the morning? If she wasn’t delightful, I’d hate her, just on principle.
TENILLYPO: JENNA! ELENA’S MOM!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Poor Elena. Oh no, they have no one except the vamps.
TENILLYPO: Poor orphans.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Ahahaha… I find it hilarious that out of all of them Jeremy gets the dumbest brother on earth prize.
TENILLYPO: Sad, but true… Love you anyway, Little J!
TENILLYPO: Oh, shit. Alaric. Actually, real talk: he could kill Meredith and I wouldn’t really care.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah, I didn’t think about the fact that he is still Elena’s legal guardian. I don’t see how using vampire blood is against the council’s policies?
TENILLYPO: evil!Alaric is such a vampire bigot.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: ’tis true.
TENILLYPO: Yay, team high school to the rescue! Damn, I want Caroline to be my nursemaid. VODKA CURES ALL.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: That is also truth. Did anyone tell Jeremy?
TENILLYPO: Hah. I’m sure he’ll figure it out eventually.
TENILLYPO: YAY! Bonnie was a cheerleader too? Huh.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: That doesn’t really surprise me. They were all popular girlz.
TENILLYPO: Ack, cute!Matt kisses! Weeeeeiiirrd.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Meh. You don’t have to do anything, Elena! I have no sympathy for those boys.
TENILLYPO: CHOOSE YOURSELF, ELENA!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh crap. This is why Jeremy wasn’t told. So that he could be free to be approached by evil!Alaric.
TENILLYPO: DUN DUN DUUUUUUN
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: yeeesssss!@@\\ heeeeeeee
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Is this the flail part?
TENILLYPO: OH MY SWEET HONEY BUNNY!
TENILLYPO: YES, I JUST MADE AN EMBARRASSING NOISE AND THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN TYRANNOSAURUS ARMS
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: When does Elijah get to have some naked fun times?
TENILLYPO: WHEN HE COMES TO MY HOUSE. OR BONNIE’S.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Okay so Jeremy doesn’t give a shit about Caroline or Tyler anymore?
TENILLYPO: Yeah… but I can also see how killing ALL vampires might be worth two lives.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Especially to Jeremy. But it isn’t worth it to ME.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Elijah always feels shame.
TENILLYPO: Oh, Elijah. You’re so snotty.
TENILLYPO: I LOVE YOU
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I freaking love Damon on the cell phone. Awesome.
TENILLYPO: OH HI LIZ!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh craaaaap. I didn’t think of that consequence. They have to run? Nooeeeessss!
TENILLYPO: How many council members are there? It’s kind of funny how the rest of them never do anything but now they’re a threat.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: In your last recap you said exactly what I was thinking. I love how the alliances shift so often on this show. And so realistically.
TENILLYPO: It keeps things fresh!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I don’t think it is forced.
TENILLYPO: Oh, cute!Matt, no… What are they doing? Cute!Matt cares about Caroline and Tyler.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: It was a fake out!
TENILLYPO: God, this show always gets me. I’m such a sucker.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: But also the characters are layered so you can see them being pulled in different directions and believe that they could make difference choices.
TENILLYPO: Yes, agreed. Ooh, Snow White and the Huntsman! I really want to see that.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I think I would too. We should go.
TENILLYPO: We should! Done and done.
TENILLYPO: Oh, god. Caroline and Tyler are so happy. They’re doomed.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I hope they get on the Bonnie/Damon thing. I think the love triangle is getting stale.
TENILLYPO: Yes. Well, you know I’ve been on the Bonnie/Damon train since day one.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: We need more love layers! Heh.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Wait, so they are conscious when they are in that weird vamp state? Creepy.
TENILLYPO: I love that Damon appreciates Bonnie’s darker impulses.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: They are like minded that way!
TENILLYPO: They’re a perfect match!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Well, I definitely could see them using that to push them together.
TENILLYPO: But I think what I like about them is also that she’s an equal, powerwise.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah, I think that is nice – ie, Damon and Bonnie. I think it is worth exploring. And would be good drama with Elena.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh Damon, you think you always know better. But at least you are consistent in your assholishness.
TENILLYPO: True. He is nothing if not consistent.
TENILLYPO: Oh, dear. Alaric! Run, Damon!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: God, I love Ian Somerhalder. He seems like such a nice guy. But is it possible for someone so pretty to actually be compassionate?
TENILLYPO: A philosophical question for the ages.
TENILLYPO: Oh, cute!Matt. You could make me tea any day.
TENILLYPO: In a non-sexy way! Just a nice cute!Matt way!
TENILLYPO: Okay, this is such an awkward convo to be having with your ex. The problem is Damon is a mad hottie, Matt! Duh!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah, but does Stefan sound good in this scenario? The guy she “should” love?
TENILLYPO: Not really.
TENILLYPO: He’s boring and safe.
TENILLYPO: Unless he turns his emotions off and goes on a killing spree!
TENILLYPO: Elena’s mom looks really young. God, CW, cast a parent over 40!
TENILLYPO: Oh, dear. Cute!Matt is going rogue.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yikes! Apparently cute!Matt has a pushy Damon streak.
TENILLYPO: Yeah, Paternalism /= attractive, Cute!Matt.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I hate this paternal ‘we all know better than you’ crap.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Ha! we share a brain.
TENILLYPO: Hah. Oh, Rebekah. Have you never watched a horror movie before?
TENILLYPO: Well, she’s been asleep for 80 years, so actually, she probably hasn’t.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Did they actually do that?
TENILLYPO: I was not expecting that!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Me either! I thought they would never kill one of them.
TENILLYPO: OH NO
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: OH SHIT
TENILLYPO: I told you they were doomed, didn’t I? DAMN YOU, VAMPIRE DIARIES!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: There has to be some catch. It can’t be true.
TENILLYPO: I love how freaked out Stefan looks. He had a facial expression!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Okay seriously, show. We know that you all aren’t going anywhere. Cut the melodrama!
TENILLYPO: Did Damon just suggest Stefan go bang Elena for the two of them? Kinky!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: No. You have a dirty mind.
TENILLYPO: I have an awesome mind, you mean.
TENILLYPO: Oooh, she has to choose!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh, good lord.
TENILLYPO: I see what you did there, show!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: This is kind of silly.
TENILLYPO: Kind of?
TENILLYPO: Oh, Damon. Why are you so pretty?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: So, so pretty.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh don’t ask stupid questions. Just tell her you love her. Why even ask her to pick?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Just show her you love her, you idiot.
TENILLYPO: Poor Matt. This is such an awkward conversation to listen to.
TENILLYPO: Oh, Caroline…
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh my heart, Caroline.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh god…
TENILLYPO: Oh, he’s comforting her!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: This is making me cry.
TENILLYPO: Sweet Tyler!
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: This fucking show.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: See, that is love. You don’t freaking ask her to make stupid choices at the important moments.
TENILLYPO: Remember when he was a skeezy date rapist? Good times.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Yeah well, it is like Chuck. I try to forget that time existed.
TENILLYPO: Did it just kill the vampire part of him? I wonder if that’s the catch. Since he was a wolf before?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: But why wouldn’t it have done the same to Klaus? Oh, because he was a vamp first?
TENILLYPO: God, the Secret Circle is so bad.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I am so behind on that. Sounds like I need not catch up?
TENILLYPO: No, don’t do it. I’m only still watching because I hate myself.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: oh Matt!!!
TENILLYPO: Cute!Matt needs a hug!
TENILLYPO: Oh, Elijah! You also need ALL THE HUGS.
TENILLYPO: Huh. They all thought it was Klaus.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Wait, I’m confused. So everyone thinks Klaus was the vamp for their blood line?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: er, what?
TENILLYPO: WHAT THE FUCK. BONNIE?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: WHERE’S TYLER?
TENILLYPO: I DON’T KNOW
TENILLYPO: WHAT IS HAPPENING
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: OH SWEET JESUS
TENILLYPO: I’m SO CONFUSED and UPSET
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: NOT AGAIN! THAT DAMNED BRIDGE
TENILLYPO: Oh, Alaric, you and Damon ARE friends! In my perfect world, this would be the yellow crayon moment and real Alaric would come back through the POWER OF DAMON’S LOVE…
TENILLYPO: WHAT. I’m so confused still. This flashback! I feel like I need to rewatch the first season.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Ahahahahaha. You are so funny, show.
TENILLYPO: They did meet first! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Is this a “What if she met him first” thing?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh this is real?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I HAVE NO IDEA
TENILLYPO: I can’t tell anymore.
TENILLYPO: UP IS DOWN
TENILLYPO: LEFT IS RIGHT
TENILLYPO: No, it’s real! WHAT.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Oh, okay. So yeah, he did meet her first.
TENILLYPO: But then why was he such a bag of dicks when he came to town in season one?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Well, he wasn’t necessarily not a bag of dicks here. He did compel her with no thought.
TENILLYPO: NO, NOT MY CUTE MATT
TENILLYPO: Is this Sigur Ros, btw?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Hmm, re: sigur ros, maybe? [Ed. note: Yup! It was!]
TENILLYPO: Guys, the time you’re spending underwater arguing could be spent rescuing you both.
TENILLYPO: Why can’t Elena swim herself?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I don’t know what is happening, honestly.
TENILLYPO: Oooh! Real!Alaric’s ghost!
TENILLYPO: OH NO
TENILLYPO: He’s really gone!
TENILLYPO: Now I’m crying.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: WHAT IN THE HELL IS HAPPENING????
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: JEREMY I’M RIGHT THERE WITH YA.
TENILLYPO: Oh, whatever. Elena’s not dead for real.
TENILLYPO: THEY’RE VAMPING ELENA. Effing finally.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: She’s now a vampire????
TENILLYPO: I KNOW
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I can’t believe they did that.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: THIS SHOW
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: EPIC FLAILING
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I AM SOOOO SAD
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: ALL OVER AGAIN
TENILLYPO: Actually, it sounds like he might stick around as a ghost?
TENILLYPO: He told Jeremy he would never be alone?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: The ghost versions are the least appealing character forms.
TENILLYPO: Maybe Bonnie can do a spell so other people can see him. I don’t know.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Also, after they killed Klaus my first thought was why the hell they did all that Caroline crap and now…
TENILLYPO: What the hell is going on with Bonnie? Why did she save Klaus? WHERE IS TYLER?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I KNOW
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I just hope that they didn’t body switch so Tyler’s dead. That would suuuuck.
TENILLYPO: I hope not. I can’t believe Bonnie would kill Tyler.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: And so Klaus is going to creepily pretend to be Tyler. Icky.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: MY HEART HURTS.
TENILLYPO: MINE TOO.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I think they are going to eventually have to find a way to turn her back to human. They do so in the books and I think that will happen.
TENILLYPO: Really? That seems like such a cop out.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: Although actually, doesn’t Damon become human again or something in the books? Those are so cracktastic it is hard to say.
TENILLYPO: Who the hell knows, the summaries of those books are ridiculous.
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: I did really enjoy reading the summaries that one night. Although I have to say the show is just as crazy. Just more believable. Maybe that is the wrong term. The craziness is earned?
INCANDESCENTFLOWER: There is a method to their madness. The show doesn’t go over the edge.
TENILLYPO: Sorry, no. The show’s never had a MYSTICAL ELEVATOR.
And… SCENE. Expect more fully formed confusion and flailing later.