You guys, I really don’t think it’s possible to convey in textual form the full hilarity of Roger Howarth’s deadpan line readings on Friday:
CARLY: I walked in on Johnny and Kate in bed together.
TODD: Oh. You live in a small town, too.
CARLY: Did I mention that Kate has a split personality?
Suffice to say it was pretty much perfection.
Anyway, Todd and Carly had a lovely catch up chat about the recent lunacy in their respective small town lives, and I continue to enjoy the idea of them as platonic co-schemers. So that was nice.
Also nice? (And by “nice” I mean “so spine-tinglingly satisfying that I almost needed a cigarette after watching it”?) Everything about this scene:
CARLY: It’s not rocket science, Johnny. You take off your clothes, you mess up your hair, you jump under the covers. Sonny walks in, you guys act surprised. No muss, no fuss, no penetration. Did that never even occur to you?
JOHNNY: Connie couldn’t risk Sonny figuring it out. She thought the only way it would work was if we actually did it–
CARLY: Connie is not real! And even if Kate has this D.I.D. thing, Connie’s not real. So man up and stop blaming someone who doesn’t exist!
JOHNNY: Okay, great. If she doesn’t exist, then I couldn’t have slept with her, right? Problem solved.
CARLY: You slept with someone, Johnny. You slept with someone! You slept with Kate. Did you know she had a split personality? Did you? That Connie was doing things that supposedly Kate doesn’t know anything about?
JOHNNY: Yeah, I guess.
CARLY: You had sex with a woman who was completely checked out. You know what that makes you? A rapist.
JOHNNY: A rapist?
CARLY: Unless she was conscious, sane and sober. Hey, two out of three ain’t bad.
JOHNNY: Kate said the same thing to me.
CARLY: Well, if Kate and I agree on the same thing, then it must be true.
JOHNNY: It must be right.
It’s not often that I want to give Carly a standing ovation, but even though nine out of ten of her rants are 1) crazy, 2) awful, and 2) SUPER CRAZY… when she gets it right? She REALLY gets it right.
(My favorite part might be the utterly dumbfounded expression on his face when she asks the most obvious question: why didn’t they just fake it? Like the possibility had literally never even occurred to him.)
(Oh, Johnny. You really are an effing moron.)
Elsewhere, Todd and Téa had a knockdown drag-out that was both incredibly nasty and completely in character, and it hurts my heart to see them so at odds. (Although the fact that Todd actually admitted to Carly that he can’t actually remember shooting Victor makes me hopeful that maybe the truth will come out before Téa’s stint in Port Charles is over?)
She also managed to give Johnny his second smack down in two days (awesome) and make Alexis’s acquaintance with a wicked burn (crushing my dreams of them braiding each other’s hair and swapping horrible client stories over cocktails). But mostly? She was really, really pretty:
LOVE YOU, TÉA!
Meanwhile, the captain of TeamPretty continued her streak of unexpectedly touching and personal conversations with unlikely scene partners as she comforted Kate with stories of her own relationship disasters, which are both numerous and terrible:
I particularly enjoyed Carlivati’s attempt to explain the Nikolas affair from Elizabeth’s perspective. (Something, you may remember, that neither of the previous regimes ever really bothered to do, unless you count that ‘sexual awakening’ bullshit.) (Which I don’t because: UGH and also WHAT). But self-loathing! Now it all makes sense!
But mostly, Elizabeth’s compassion for Kate was very sweet. Especially since the latter’s visible misery has made her kind of impossible not to feel some sympathy for, despite all the nonsensical retcons and GLORIOUS MUGGING this story has involved thus far. And despite the fact that she’s gnashing her teeth over the loss of this prize:
ALEXIS: Look, lawyers tend to use the insanity defence as a catch all, but it exists for a reason, because there are valid cases of mental illness.
SONNY: I’m not sure Kate is one of them.
ALEXIS: I would certainly explain why she slept with Johnny Zacchara, who she apparently despises.
SONNY: That’s a bunch of bull! She’s just looking for an excuse to justify her behavior!
ALEXIS: Well, if she does have D.I.D., then she’s not responsib–
SONNY: I saw her in bed–I SAW HER IN BED… with Johnny. How do I forgive that?
Um, maybe the same way everyone has forgiven you for EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER DONE, you petty, childish ass? (HATE!)