… because they are always TERRIBLE.
So, baby swap! I know it’s an overused cliche on soaps in general, but General Hospital actually hasn’t done a good old fashioned swap story in a long time, and I would be fully on board with this one going down, except… enough with the dead babies, already! Seriously! We just got past Starr in shriek and cry mode 24/7 and now we’ve got to go straight into Sam — and then, presumably, Téa? — doing the same? DO NOT WANT.
And I wish they could have had Heather engineer the switch without making Todd complicit. Not because it’s out of character. But, damn. This is going to hurt bad when the truth comes out:
TODD: I know what it’s like to have something inside of you that needs revenge. To hurt the people that have hurt you. But that’s how I felt about Victor, and look where that got everybody. Let’s do better, huh? Right? Let’s be people who don’t do things that they later regret.
Killing me! He is killing me with all this mature retrospection piled on top of seeing Sam grieving over “her” baby’s corpse and not confessing the truth to her immediately. Todd! Stop being a freaking soap opera character and actually do the thing that makes sense for you to do! Argh!
Also killing me: Kelly Monaco, as she always does with material like this. And I really, really, really need to see Sam kicking Jason’s sorry ass repeatedly when she finds out the reason why she was alone in her time of need.
(Although the amount of disbelief that needs to be suspended to believe that there was no one else at Sam’s hotel who could give her a ride to the hospital — no one at the front desk, no other guests, no one? — or that this hotel happened to be right beside the closed road in the middle of the woods where Todd, Téa and Heather’s corpse disposal service were all camped out… is pretty spectacular. SOAPS!)
Speaking of Heather, her and Todd’s completely casual acceptance of dead Anthony in the wheel barrow out back was so hilarious to me. Match made in crazy soap schemer heaven, Y/Y?
TODD: I killed his father. I took-took Téa’s husband away from her. How can I tell her I took her son away too?
HEATHER: You killed this baby’s father?
TODD: Shot him. Point blank.
HEATHER: [suddenly interested] Just curious — why aren’t you in prison?
I love her almost professional interest in how he got away with murder. Heather Webber, you guys! She’s like my favorite thing ever! I think maybe the thing I appreciate most about her is that her craziness is so consistent. Heather’s not a supervillian; she’s not out there creating chaos for its own sake. She’s the hero of her story, saving people who deserve it and punishing those who have “wronged” her. Everything she does makes sense, from her own, twisted point of view.
And just when you think she’s going to veer into complete over-the-top, clownish crazy territory, Robin Mattson reins Heather in and lets a bit of her human side peek through, as with her sincere sadness at having to tell Todd the baby was gone:
TODD: He was just born.
HEATHER: I know it’s not fair. I wish I could save everyone.
Todd’s also gotten to show his soft underbelly a bit the last few days. As monstrous as what he’s doing now is, I’m at least glad to see evidence of the fact that he and Téa do actually care about each other:
TODD: I hated Victor. I never hated Téa.
I mean, I knew that already, but it was good to hear it from his lips, you know? And good, I think, for the GH-only audience to see him being something other than horrible to her; even if being horrible to each other makes up half of Todd and Tea’s normal modus operandi, there’s always been genuine affection there too.
Which is going to make this betrayal even worse when she finally discovers the truth. Oh, it’s going to break my little heart, isn’t it? I’m wincing and weeping in advance, people. DO NOT WANT!
SPINELLI: I should have stayed silent and kept the promise that I make to Maxie and then none of this would have happened.
MAC: She’d be spending a 20 year sentence in Pentonville if you didn’t.
FELICIA: My daughter is free because of you. I’m forever grateful.
SPINELLI: I too rejoice at her freedom, but at what cost? I’m sorry, but these nuptials are not only a farce, they are a mistake of cataclysmic proportions! Dr. Matt Hunter can’t make Maxie happy the way I can! He can’t anticipate her thoughts, he can’t decode her moods!
Right, because she should definitely be with the man who loves her so much that he’d honestly rather she be in prison than married to another man. He sure understands her needs and has her best interests at heart!
(Not to mention the fact that all this gnashing and wailing is over the fact that she’s spending her wedding night with the man she’s been dating and sleeping with for close to a year — which occurred after Spinelli broke up with her for cheating on him. I guess he just anticipated her thoughts so well and made her so happy that she couldn’t help but treat him like crap!)
Of course, Maxie’s not that much a prize herself, and the show’s apparent insistence on turning her into a martyr over what amounts to a ridiculously short-sighted and selfish tantrum is driving me a little bonkers:
MATT: It just blows my mind what you did — that, you know, you went to jail for me.
MAXIE: Yeah, well, I hadn’t exactly realized how horrible it would be.
Yeah, prison is unpleasant! Who knew?
Also: EARTH TO MATT HUNTER: Maxie didn’t go to jail for you. (She did have an innocent woman killed for you, but hey! Not even the prosecutor seems to remember than anymore, so bygones, I guess?)
No, she went to jail for herself, because she felt guilty about what a horrible person she was to Robin before she died, and she wanted to be punished in the most dramatic and hurtful way to the people who loved her. And to do so she opened up a completely closed case and landed you both in your current predicament. SO STOP THANKING HER. GOD.