Because I am a normal person and not a soap opera character, I actually have a job that I can’t ignore for days at a time to concentrate on more engaging pursuits like poisoning my enemies with LSD. Or… writing long meditations on the prettiness of Jason Thompson’s tear-filled eyes. Just as a hypothetical.
WHY DOES SUFFERING LOOK SO GOOD?
So I sadly haven’t been able to devote my full attention to blogging this past week. But, oh my stars and garters, you guys, this show. THIS SHOW! What is even happening right now? How is it all so good? First of all, in the words of my co-blogger: ROOOOOBIIIIIIIIIN!!! But also: Eweeeeeeen! Is totes evil! I don’t want to say I told you so (WHO AM I KIDDING, I LOVE SAYING THAT) but I’ve been waiting for the reveal that he is somehow up to no good ever since his super sketchy debut. Vindication!
Of course, there’s clearly something more to it. Is he Faison’s secret son? Brainwashed and under duress? Part of a Cassadine plot? Connected to some other villain from Anna and Robert’s past? SO MANY EXCITING POSSIBILITIES! Especially since…
NURSE EVIL: I don’t speculate on the intentions of my boss.
ROBIN: Well, you should. And so should your boss. Because when my mother finds out about this, she’s going to kill you both with her bare hands.
OH HELL YES, SHE WILL. Mama Bear has the scent! And because this is no longer a show where only penis-enabled individuals are allowed to be heroes, I actually have sincere hope that an older female character will eventually save the day.
After all, she did get to save Luke already, giving Tracy the opportunity to receive a long overdue apology. And to lay some even more overdue truth at his feet:
TRACY: Did it occur to you to ask me how I felt? If I wanted to be divorced from you?
LUKE: You were already involved with Anthony Zacchara. You married him like that!
TRACY: I was being blackmailed, Luke! And if you had the teeniest amount of love for me you would have seen that and helped me.
LUKE: I tried to help you!
TRACY: Months later. After I had been shackled to that degenerate, grinning through my teeth at his beck and call while he swindled me and he tortured my father. I trusted you! I needed you!
But, of course, Robin isn’t the only returning lady who I have missed dearly. HI, BLAIR! YOU’RE STILL SASSY AND PRETTY AND YOUR TEARS MAKE MY HEART SAD!
Todd’s proposal, like so many of his decisions, was a slow-moving train wreck of facepalming awfulness, and I winced and flapped my hands at the screen all through it because of course, Blair is marrying Tomás to protect her too-many-times broken heart. And, you know… good for her! But that doesn’t mean I’m immune to the hot kissing or the desperate declarations of love. Oh, Blair. Oh, Todd.
Todd being Todd, he immediately decided this was all clearly everyone else’s fault but his, and launched into a campaign to spread the misery around — starting with John and Natalie. Which is just fine by me, because I NEED MORE JOHN McBAIN IN MY LIFE. STAT. Unfortunately for Todd, just when it seemed like he might finally get to take out some of his angst on a truly deserving target, Johnny revealed that he is somehow in on the baby secret now, too.
(Geez, you steal one little baby and everyone thinks they have the higher moral ground!) (Or fine, in Todd’s case, two little babies, but does Jack really count? I mean, science has proven that he’s comprised of roughly 65% douchiness, 30% smug asshatery, and 5% amazing hair. HE HAS NO SOUL.)
Fortunately, I think we’ve all — Todd included — learned a valuable lesson from all of this:
TODD: See, this is why. This is why you never, never trust a stranger you meet in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night just pushing around a dead body in a wheel barrow.
Truer words, my friends.
Finally, Lisa LoCicero has clearly been to the Kelly Sullivan School of Scenery Chewing. And she liked what she saw there. Like, I don’t think words can accurately express how amazing Olivia’s acid trip freak out was, so I’ll just let this sequence of pictures speak for itself:
Yeah. That happened. THAT HAPPENED.
(Oh my God, I love this show so much right now.)