Okay, show. You got me. This good cop/bad cop routine with Britt and Sabrina? Totally working. I don’t care that it’s transparent and clichéd. I can work with both of those if something is fun for me. And I could use some fun right now.
So, my main complaint about Sabrina’s introduction was that her goofy crush antics make her seem way younger than she is. But it turns out that when she acts more like a grown up and starts relating to Patrick like he’s an actual human being instead of a god on high? I don’t hate it:
PATRICK: I should have prepared her better, you know — she just gets scared. And when she gets scared, she gets angry.
SABRINA: Oh God, I don’t blame her. She just misses her mom.
PATRICK: So do I.
SABRINA: Listen, I think you’re a great dad. And there’s a reason why she called for you. She loves you. And as long as you just explain things to her, I’m sure she’ll understand.
I like that she’s a very different person that Robin in many ways. But more, I like that Patrick is a very different person than he was when he and Robin met. He’s off his game, and it’s refreshing. Smooth playboy Patrick would never have been oblivious to Sabrina’s interest (and would have bedded Britt already instead of awkwardly trying to be her friend). This is a Patrick who’s starting from a completely different place. He’s subdued and grieving still, focused on Emma, and conquests are really the furthest thing from his mind. I like romantic banter as much as the next girl, but arrogant pursuer Patrick was never really my favorite flavor, so I’m curious to see how that changes the dynamic as the story unfolds.
Side note: the little girl who plays Emma is KILLING ME with her cuteness this week. I didn’t think she had a setting other than smiling uncontrollably, but then she busts out this look:
THE SADDEST LITTLE GIRL IN THE WORLD
… which, of course, is the correct and only response to watching THIS walk out the door, so good job, Ems:
ANYWAY. I’m not saying the Sabrina story is setting my world on fire or anything, but it’s no longer making me cringe quite as much. And given the unpleasant turn some of the other stories (WHY, ELIZABETH, WHY?) (more on that below) seem about to take, I could use something that’s light and comfortingly predictable.
Patrick, by the way, proved that my love for him was 100% justified by making this face when evil Britt evilly ordered a wine spritzer:
I KNOW, PATRICK. I KNOW.
For that involuntary sneer alone, he would have earned the episode’s Best Facial Expression. But, you know… Konnie still exists in the world, so:
Oh, Kelly Sullivan. YOU COMPLETE ME.
But enough stalling. I’d like to continue pretending this isn’t actually a thing that’s happening, but it seems like it probably is. So I might as well get this rant out of the way. Let’s talk about Elizabeth and how much I hate everything about the way her story’s suddenly going!
First of all, if Liz is about to go batshit insane and mess with Sam’s baby’s DNA results in some sort of sad attempt to get Jason back, then someone forgot to tell Rebecca Herbst in this scene:
ELIZABETH: So if you’re right, then you get to actually place a baby back in Sam’s arms. I mean, you get to make that miracle happen? Oh my God. I wonder what that would be like to get back a child you thought you lost…
ELIZABETH: You need to get to the lab. I can help you.
She played Elizabeth’s joy and wistful sadness with perfect sincerity there. But yesterday, the ominous music and guilty looks as she handed over the wrong results were too much to ignore. I’m super afraid and displeased with where it looks like this is going.
Look, I get why it’s soapy, and why is might seem like a good idea on the surface to someone who isn’t as overly invested as I am in this character. But Liz fans have been shat on a lot in the last few years. She’s made one stupid decision and told one terrible lie after the other in the service of moving along plots that were clearly not concerned with what made sense for her from a character perspective. So it would be nice to see her get a story where she’s not the asshole for once. And as awful and self-serving as all of those paternity lies and affairs were, none of them were motivated by malice. All of them had, at their core, a misguided desire to protect someone she loved from harm.
This, if it turns out to be true? Will easily be the most horrible thing she’s ever done, and as hard as the writers are now working overtime to position her as desperate to get Jason back, there’s just no basis for her to be so willfully cruel. Maybe if she and Jason had already gotten back together and were on the verge of marriage or something, or if Jake’s death was visibly causing her to go a little crazy? I mean, it would still be awful, but I might actually believe her motivation. But she’s been working through her Jake grief fairly healthily, and she and Jason haven’t been together for years. Up until the last few weeks, she’s been the biggest cheerleader of saving his marriage to Sam!
So none of this tracks for me. And we’re left with the writers not only compromising Liz, but tarnishing a 15 year relationship that — for all its ups and downs — has never involved a betrayal of this magnitude before.
I think what really burns me is that all that nice Liason stuff during the water crisis — which I saw at the time as a lovely, kind of respectful nod to history and to a fanbase that was about to be disappointed with the Jason/Sam reunion writing on the wall — now looks like just a sloppy set up for Liz to turn into this pathetic creature. And with Steve Burton’s departure looming, there’s very little chance for her to make amends.
And hey — maybe this will work out differently than I’m fearing and I’ll eat my words! (Happily!) But even if the tampering comes out fairly quickly, it’ll leave a really sour taste in my mouth. Just… ugh. DO NOT WANT.
But I hate to end a post angry. So here, have some Alexis and Jax being absolutely awesome and adorable and just the bestest soap friends a girl could hope for:
ALEXIS: When did I become the woman of his life, anyway?
JAX: I don’t know. You’re the one that dated him. [teasing look] Maybe he never got over you. And I’m not surprised. Because you are an incredible woman, Alexis. I mean that. No, I really mean that. There’s no one that I would rather be in a marriage of convenience with.
ALEXIS: You’re the best husband that I ever had. And hands down, the best friend.
Substitute “romantic partner of any kind” for “husband” and… yup, still true. Which is kind of sad when you consider how long its been since Alexis and Jax were married, but also warms my heart because OMG, JUST GET MARRIED AGAIN, YOU TWO. Damn. You’re so perfect together.
I also enjoyed Carly ribbing Shawn about Jax and Alexis’ enduring connection and his obvious jealousy. (If I can’t have Jax in her life? This’ll do.) We can’t have Jax, of course, because Ingo Rademacher is out the door again. Thankfully the explanation this time is less tortured and stupid than that last one: Jax is simply going home to Australia to get a fresh start away from his failed marriage to Carly, but he’ll be back often for Joss.
And you know? That’s all I really need. Does it strain credulity that Jax wouldn’t stick around full time to be with the daughter with whom he’s already lost so much time? Well, yes. But as long as it’s clear he’s seeing her regularly off-screen, then I can accept it in the service of one less deadbeat parent because the actor isn’t on the show anymore.
In any case, Jax got a lovely goodbye with his best friend and a touching one with Carly that honored the importance of both women in his life — which is more than we got when he was presumed dead last time and Alexis barely seemed to notice. So long, Jax. Come back soon!